By definition vulnerable is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm with synonyms of: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, and weak. This was the ledge I was on for a brief moment last night. My first day driving was amazing, I was on cloud nine in my element and so in love with the open road until the time came to shut this machine down. I felt powerful the entire time I was behind the wheel pushing all this weight. I was in charge! Not so much in the cold wet dark of this rest area parked next to complete strangers, sharing a bunking area with a man I just met 12 hours ago. He seemed amazing until I realized I had to trust him and my surroundings with my eyes closed. This has to be what children that go away to camp without friends feel like. I don't know that feeling because I only went to camp with my cousins. I had a built in safety net, family. This man is a stranger. I know the company trust him but can I?
I find myself stowed away in the restroom trying not to have a melt down. He probably thought I was doing number two!! In reality I was stuck between panic attack and hyperventilating, I'm talking myself off the ledge unsuccessfully, so I use one of my life lines and phoned my Mommy! Yes, I had a cry baby moment. Her first instinct was to call my trainer and go off Mama Bear in attack mode, I assured her that I was OKAY
that this was just me being nervous but she didn't like the sound in my voice. Calming her down, calmed me down. Plus I gave her his number in case of an emergency so she might really call and make this situation worse. Once she put her paws down she talked me through my plan (I've been burning her ear up with the details), reminded me that this part of training is only temporary and that the day will come soon that I'm actually sleeping on these roads ALONE and that now was my time to PRAY! You have to know my Mother to know that statement was HUGE but it worked. I probably rested more last night than I have in past six months at home.
I recognize that I will have to take many safety precautions. Lighted areas, parking close to front, pepper spray or taser. A self defense class is in my very near future but the spirit of fear I have to leave behind and truly trust that no weapons formed against me shall prosper. I know how to PRAY and that's my safe call!
On the road again... VA now headed to "Gots to B-more careful" that's for all my readers out there!
Group Hug have a blessed day!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Journey Home
As I begin this new career I've decided to dust off my blog to share my journey with you. I considered renaming my blog since this is a new chapter in my book of life but for now I will rest in the knowledge that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to know that God is the rock and my view from rock bottom is what gave me the strength to begin again.
With that said let me share that every journey for me begins at home and I'm not necessarily speaking of the physical location as I am the mental and emotional dwelling of home. For me that is my daughter, my family and some very special friends that are framily! Thank you!
Now you may wonder why a truck driver? Let me digress to help you understand how this life decision unfolds. It's no secret that my position was eliminated in March of 2014. I wish I could say that bothered me but it didn't. I smiled through my entire exit interview; I purchased parting gifts for former co-workers. I was beyond happy, I was FREE!!! During my time off I developed a sense of self and started working on my health. This is still a work in progress with goals still ahead of me but I understand my body, my mind and what food and being overweight means for me. However I'm digressing during my digress so in an effort to focus and to keep this a one day read I will have to write about that subject another day.
During my time off I tried an at home business that gave me more control over my schedule but still was corporate hell and I didn't desire to live in that trap again but it was an income so when that contract ended that may have been the very first time I felt like I might suffocate if I didn't find a J.O.B. I started shopping my resume, contacting head hunters and the closer I got to resuming life stuck in cubiclenation again the more miserable I became. I came to a crossroad, I had already taken the steps to begin the class A CDL program (something I desired to do since my daughter was 11) when I was called for what would be an appearance only interview. Which meant the job was mine and the interview just a formality. Fear made me set the appointment, Faith let me cancel it with confidence. Mind you unemployment ran out awhile ago. There was nothing left. Fortunately for me I TRUST GOD!! I shared my story, not out of pity but out of PROMISE! I had a very dear friend basically admit that she was ashamed for me because we have been programmed not to discuss hard times. Whatever, my transparency allowed strangers to bless me in ways unimaginable. One person paid my car payment for a few months, others sent money so that bills were paid. We didn't miss a meal, no utilities ever went off and even after packing my entire place, accepting that we would have to move that day never came. We are still unpacking. Lol. God will do it for the birds who worry not so why not for me. His CHILD!!
With that settled and the pressure removed I began my program. This should have been three weeks and out, but this is my life we are talking about so easy does not apply. Three weeks turned into eight. I completed my classwork and then I began the hurry up and wait process for a driving slot. I realized that I took for granted that this would be a breeze. I drive well, I love to drive, I'm great at distances and I would get to travel. NOT... it was hard. I struggled a lot. God and I developed a different line of communication. Which included me shouting at him. See this was my Hail Mary, my reinvention plan. This was how I would marry happy and successful. Either this works or I face the possibility of moving back home to Mommy and Daddy or a little less embarrassing to Denver with my sister. At least that didn't look like I failed but more like I was just starting somewhere new.
Finally I stopped screaming at God and just reviewed my plans with him to make sure they lined up with his desires for me and confirmation came from a morning motivational that our youth Pastor sends out daily. "God cares about the smallest details of your life. If it matters to you, it matters to him. Just be honest when you talk to Him." So we talked and during each part of my skills test I (who cannot sing) was singing LOUD praise and worship songs. My evaluated was like are you talking to yourself or singing? "I'm singing is that okay?" Her reply was whatever works for you. It DID, I PASSED FINALLY!!!!
A CDL turns the tables on unemployment. You are now a hot commodity and have your pick of positions. Nine job offers and counting. They will not stop coming until I decide to cut them off. At this point I just compared training programs, safety records, mileage pay and equipment to help make my decision. I narrowed it down to three and went with my second choice until I receive the endorsements and experience I will need to move into Hazmat tanker driving, which is my next goal.
Now this is the important part!! THE PLAN!!! Yes I've decided to work for a company as my first step. This is for experience and insurance purposes. This will prepare me for OWNERSHIP!! I will discuss that later, This is more than enough for today. I can talk forever about how good my God is, what I've learned from each delay but I will close with THANK YOU LORD!!
I hit the road tomorrow to begin my OTR so stay tuned I'm certain all my blogs going forward will start with... on the road again however all roads will forever be a part of my journey home. I do this for those I LOVE!!!
With that said let me share that every journey for me begins at home and I'm not necessarily speaking of the physical location as I am the mental and emotional dwelling of home. For me that is my daughter, my family and some very special friends that are framily! Thank you!
Now you may wonder why a truck driver? Let me digress to help you understand how this life decision unfolds. It's no secret that my position was eliminated in March of 2014. I wish I could say that bothered me but it didn't. I smiled through my entire exit interview; I purchased parting gifts for former co-workers. I was beyond happy, I was FREE!!! During my time off I developed a sense of self and started working on my health. This is still a work in progress with goals still ahead of me but I understand my body, my mind and what food and being overweight means for me. However I'm digressing during my digress so in an effort to focus and to keep this a one day read I will have to write about that subject another day.
During my time off I tried an at home business that gave me more control over my schedule but still was corporate hell and I didn't desire to live in that trap again but it was an income so when that contract ended that may have been the very first time I felt like I might suffocate if I didn't find a J.O.B. I started shopping my resume, contacting head hunters and the closer I got to resuming life stuck in cubiclenation again the more miserable I became. I came to a crossroad, I had already taken the steps to begin the class A CDL program (something I desired to do since my daughter was 11) when I was called for what would be an appearance only interview. Which meant the job was mine and the interview just a formality. Fear made me set the appointment, Faith let me cancel it with confidence. Mind you unemployment ran out awhile ago. There was nothing left. Fortunately for me I TRUST GOD!! I shared my story, not out of pity but out of PROMISE! I had a very dear friend basically admit that she was ashamed for me because we have been programmed not to discuss hard times. Whatever, my transparency allowed strangers to bless me in ways unimaginable. One person paid my car payment for a few months, others sent money so that bills were paid. We didn't miss a meal, no utilities ever went off and even after packing my entire place, accepting that we would have to move that day never came. We are still unpacking. Lol. God will do it for the birds who worry not so why not for me. His CHILD!!
With that settled and the pressure removed I began my program. This should have been three weeks and out, but this is my life we are talking about so easy does not apply. Three weeks turned into eight. I completed my classwork and then I began the hurry up and wait process for a driving slot. I realized that I took for granted that this would be a breeze. I drive well, I love to drive, I'm great at distances and I would get to travel. NOT... it was hard. I struggled a lot. God and I developed a different line of communication. Which included me shouting at him. See this was my Hail Mary, my reinvention plan. This was how I would marry happy and successful. Either this works or I face the possibility of moving back home to Mommy and Daddy or a little less embarrassing to Denver with my sister. At least that didn't look like I failed but more like I was just starting somewhere new.
Finally I stopped screaming at God and just reviewed my plans with him to make sure they lined up with his desires for me and confirmation came from a morning motivational that our youth Pastor sends out daily. "God cares about the smallest details of your life. If it matters to you, it matters to him. Just be honest when you talk to Him." So we talked and during each part of my skills test I (who cannot sing) was singing LOUD praise and worship songs. My evaluated was like are you talking to yourself or singing? "I'm singing is that okay?" Her reply was whatever works for you. It DID, I PASSED FINALLY!!!!
A CDL turns the tables on unemployment. You are now a hot commodity and have your pick of positions. Nine job offers and counting. They will not stop coming until I decide to cut them off. At this point I just compared training programs, safety records, mileage pay and equipment to help make my decision. I narrowed it down to three and went with my second choice until I receive the endorsements and experience I will need to move into Hazmat tanker driving, which is my next goal.
Now this is the important part!! THE PLAN!!! Yes I've decided to work for a company as my first step. This is for experience and insurance purposes. This will prepare me for OWNERSHIP!! I will discuss that later, This is more than enough for today. I can talk forever about how good my God is, what I've learned from each delay but I will close with THANK YOU LORD!!
I hit the road tomorrow to begin my OTR so stay tuned I'm certain all my blogs going forward will start with... on the road again however all roads will forever be a part of my journey home. I do this for those I LOVE!!!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
I Digress...no more
I'm sitting in the living room of one of my sister's homes. It's quiet, my daughter is sleeping and I'm alone with my thoughts. It's no secret that my sister isn't fond of this state so she is happy celebrating her birthday today at her other home in her favorite state! Bare with me as I digress a moment in order to move forward, for this is not about my sister or even my cousin but about life and death.
My sister has this wall of windows that over look a pond and it's a very rainy morning here. I woke up to a flash flood warning alarm on my phone but right now it's almost as if the rain is so transparent, so cleansing, almost majestic. The fall colors a beautiful display of death. Everything I see is void of life. The browns and oranges of nature while they are my favorite colors, also represent that the grass and tree leaves had to die to survive the elements that are too come. Sadly I'm sitting here this morning because one of my favorite people, one of my greatest motivators and supporters lost her oldest son to a coward over his cell phone and his wallet. His Mom is my first cousin and her baby was only two and half hours into his 21st birthday when he was robbed of his life.
There was a vigil last night and services yet to come. More family will travel in as the week goes by and the holiday passes so that we can say a final goodbye but in death there is always life and this is the purpose of this blog.
I started this blog Jan 4th 2012 on my birthday and I wrote for a year never missing a day more as therapy for myself that I just happened to share with the world. Since that year ended I've only stop by my blog for brief visits and I've realized areas that I stopped growing, places that I died in long ago but never said a final goodbye so those parts of my life have become toxic waste on my inside. I've spoken candidly about the dysfunction that was my marriage, the abuse in my life, the rape. There is more than enough to fill my book and yes it's still a work in progress but coming very soon. Still I digress which is what this is about. If you don't continue to find a way forward you end up stuck in what has died. I use to believe that if I didn't try harder, fight longer and love more that someone else would get a better version of my husband. That I had invested ten years of my life for someone else to come live in the house I built. Wow, was I ever wrong. I wasn't moving on from something great and solid but broken and continuously self destructing so it didn't matter how fast I tried to put him back together he would always find a way to tear it down with his wreckless lifestyle catfishing to feed his greed. You can't receive love from someone that doesn't love themselves. The person I met outside my home 10 years ago never existed, anymore than who he pretends to be. I don't say this with anger or regret just awareness that I spent so many years trying to remove his mask. See I didn't want to face what was wrong about me so I pretended that this couldn't be who he really is because I wouldn't pick a man like that to love. I use the word is instead of was because he didn't stop being who he is. I was the one to change.
It wasn't about him. It was about the lack of self love or lack of understanding what love is. When all you've ever experienced was loud and chaotic; it is hard to adjust to silence. My cousin said yesterday at her son's vigil. "I hugged my son this morning and by night God was hugging him." Life is just that fragile so like many it takes a tragic life altering event to wake us up. To force us to live again. For me I choose to die in a marriage, Jesus choose to die for us, for others its a job, your children, your parents, the loss of a loved one, your addictions or the opinions of others that's holding you back from living. I charge you with the task of going to look yourself in the mirror and identifying where you digress within.
While my cousin shouldn't have had to die so senselessly, the reality is we all must die. His Mom said "God only wanted him here for exactly 21 years" and those almost 200 people that gathered last night in a bitter cold rain, showed what a great impact he made during his time on earth. I'm sitting in the same spot as I finish this entry and the sun has come out and the ducks that live in this pond have started to move around; they are making noise, talking to each other. This represent that even when everything around you has passed on that you must keep living. So today I open my blog back up so that we can talk about forgiving our past in order to live in the present and participate in the rest of our life. Today I digress no more.
My sister has this wall of windows that over look a pond and it's a very rainy morning here. I woke up to a flash flood warning alarm on my phone but right now it's almost as if the rain is so transparent, so cleansing, almost majestic. The fall colors a beautiful display of death. Everything I see is void of life. The browns and oranges of nature while they are my favorite colors, also represent that the grass and tree leaves had to die to survive the elements that are too come. Sadly I'm sitting here this morning because one of my favorite people, one of my greatest motivators and supporters lost her oldest son to a coward over his cell phone and his wallet. His Mom is my first cousin and her baby was only two and half hours into his 21st birthday when he was robbed of his life.
There was a vigil last night and services yet to come. More family will travel in as the week goes by and the holiday passes so that we can say a final goodbye but in death there is always life and this is the purpose of this blog.
I started this blog Jan 4th 2012 on my birthday and I wrote for a year never missing a day more as therapy for myself that I just happened to share with the world. Since that year ended I've only stop by my blog for brief visits and I've realized areas that I stopped growing, places that I died in long ago but never said a final goodbye so those parts of my life have become toxic waste on my inside. I've spoken candidly about the dysfunction that was my marriage, the abuse in my life, the rape. There is more than enough to fill my book and yes it's still a work in progress but coming very soon. Still I digress which is what this is about. If you don't continue to find a way forward you end up stuck in what has died. I use to believe that if I didn't try harder, fight longer and love more that someone else would get a better version of my husband. That I had invested ten years of my life for someone else to come live in the house I built. Wow, was I ever wrong. I wasn't moving on from something great and solid but broken and continuously self destructing so it didn't matter how fast I tried to put him back together he would always find a way to tear it down with his wreckless lifestyle catfishing to feed his greed. You can't receive love from someone that doesn't love themselves. The person I met outside my home 10 years ago never existed, anymore than who he pretends to be. I don't say this with anger or regret just awareness that I spent so many years trying to remove his mask. See I didn't want to face what was wrong about me so I pretended that this couldn't be who he really is because I wouldn't pick a man like that to love. I use the word is instead of was because he didn't stop being who he is. I was the one to change.
It wasn't about him. It was about the lack of self love or lack of understanding what love is. When all you've ever experienced was loud and chaotic; it is hard to adjust to silence. My cousin said yesterday at her son's vigil. "I hugged my son this morning and by night God was hugging him." Life is just that fragile so like many it takes a tragic life altering event to wake us up. To force us to live again. For me I choose to die in a marriage, Jesus choose to die for us, for others its a job, your children, your parents, the loss of a loved one, your addictions or the opinions of others that's holding you back from living. I charge you with the task of going to look yourself in the mirror and identifying where you digress within.
While my cousin shouldn't have had to die so senselessly, the reality is we all must die. His Mom said "God only wanted him here for exactly 21 years" and those almost 200 people that gathered last night in a bitter cold rain, showed what a great impact he made during his time on earth. I'm sitting in the same spot as I finish this entry and the sun has come out and the ducks that live in this pond have started to move around; they are making noise, talking to each other. This represent that even when everything around you has passed on that you must keep living. So today I open my blog back up so that we can talk about forgiving our past in order to live in the present and participate in the rest of our life. Today I digress no more.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Coming up for Air
I am in the middle of swim lessons. I've tried unsuccessfully many times before and I promise all of my previous lessons have always started out the same, hold onto the side of the pool and kick your legs and then lets learn to float. Well this time my lessons started with learning how to breathe. INHALE, EXHALE exercises with my face coming in and out of the water. YAY for me!!! I wasn't afraid to put my head under water, but doesn't that sound just like me? For those that know me and those that followed my blog last year you all know that I dive deep. I take the big plunge and then after I am under I get so caught up in my own mind; over thinking to the point that I forget to come up for air and end up sinking.
When instructed to go out to the center of the pool and let go of my wonderful instructor who I am trusting with my life; I learned that I could trust myself. Of course I didn't put it all together today, I still have to believe that my arms, legs and breathing will all work together making the water my friend, but what I did learn about my life was that I can come up for air during my lessons and that when things get to rough or when I lose my balance that if I just stand up I will be back on my feet.
When instructed to go out to the center of the pool and let go of my wonderful instructor who I am trusting with my life; I learned that I could trust myself. Of course I didn't put it all together today, I still have to believe that my arms, legs and breathing will all work together making the water my friend, but what I did learn about my life was that I can come up for air during my lessons and that when things get to rough or when I lose my balance that if I just stand up I will be back on my feet.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Care Less
I’ve been told a million times that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. My authentic self never learned to adorn a mask and cover my true feelings. Instead I turned to silence as my shield, and soon found myself on mute. Yes I can speak loud, clear and boldly on the other side of a pencil but verbally I turned down the volume in an effort to keep the peace. I spent so many years on BLAST with NO CHANGE that it has taken a moment to realize that the louder you get, the more your words sound like a conversation with Charlie Brown. After some very HARD conversations in which I learned that nothing I ever said would really be heard I realized that I didn’t need to talk at all; I just needed to care less.
Now don’t mistake those two words as being void of emotions. Nope that is not it. As most of you know I am very passionate about many subjects; I love hard and my loyalty is fierce but I had to take the weight of what other’s thought, spoke or did off my shoulders. I had to ACCEPT that they are who they are and they think what they think and believe their own truth, but it did not have to be my truth and it was truly not my burden. I had to care less.
When you have had an audience co-sign on the decisions of your life for so long you forget how to trust yourself. Your value and self-esteem becomes wrapped up in their approval. When you reach to pick up the phone to see what someone else thinks or how they would handle a situation before you take the time to sort out the information for yourself or to determine how it makes you feel it means that you care too much about that persons opinion of your life. Unfortunately their feelings or response begin to alter your natural response and you are now jaded unable to stay true to who you are. I shared way too much because I needed for others to care when all I needed was to step back, care less and figure out my best response even if I turned out to be wrong. Caring less means I can take more time to care about me and that is not a selfish statement, that is Me loving on ME!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Resurrection Day
Holding true to blogging at least once a month now, I figured today would be a great day to speak of resurrection. Jesus died! Can you imagine sacrificing one's life for complete strangers all because he had enough faith in his Father to believe that he would live again. Jesus died so that we could live; not for us to lie, steal and rob or to cheat, beat and abuse. Do you realize that Jesus died for our sins, for all of our wrongs and here we stand in strife with most people, unforgiveness in our hearts and even hatred. "Unforgiveness is the single most popular poison that the enemy uses against God's people, and it is one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually." We judge people by their race, gender, religion, size, or sexuality. We judge them because of their past or by how they hurt us before handing down a life sentence instead of loving them past our pain and their mistakes. Let's try this resurrection day to begin to honor the sacrifice Jesus made so that all relationships can be resurrected, so that all of God's children can receive love.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
What a difference a year makes
A year wasn't a year anymore; it was just another date. I've grieved for so long that I think I convinced myself that I would dread this day, but instead I woke up with a smile! Finally over the tears and tired of holding onto something that wasn't holding on to me. I realize that unconditional love does not mean happy ever after. Now that the fog is evaporating and my depression lifting, I see that the sun really does come out tomorrow, you just have to go outside to see it!! The best part of love is that you can take it with you, carry it in your heart or spread it around the world but it is yours to give freely with as much abundance as you choose.
I thought I would have this nice long blog to write about today but for as scary as moving forward is, I am really okay!! I made it through this year and today is just another day!!
I thought I would have this nice long blog to write about today but for as scary as moving forward is, I am really okay!! I made it through this year and today is just another day!!
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