By definition vulnerable is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm with synonyms of: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, and weak. This was the ledge I was on for a brief moment last night. My first day driving was amazing, I was on cloud nine in my element and so in love with the open road until the time came to shut this machine down. I felt powerful the entire time I was behind the wheel pushing all this weight. I was in charge! Not so much in the cold wet dark of this rest area parked next to complete strangers, sharing a bunking area with a man I just met 12 hours ago. He seemed amazing until I realized I had to trust him and my surroundings with my eyes closed. This has to be what children that go away to camp without friends feel like. I don't know that feeling because I only went to camp with my cousins. I had a built in safety net, family. This man is a stranger. I know the company trust him but can I?
I find myself stowed away in the restroom trying not to have a melt down. He probably thought I was doing number two!! In reality I was stuck between panic attack and hyperventilating, I'm talking myself off the ledge unsuccessfully, so I use one of my life lines and phoned my Mommy! Yes, I had a cry baby moment. Her first instinct was to call my trainer and go off Mama Bear in attack mode, I assured her that I was OKAY
that this was just me being nervous but she didn't like the sound in my voice. Calming her down, calmed me down. Plus I gave her his number in case of an emergency so she might really call and make this situation worse. Once she put her paws down she talked me through my plan (I've been burning her ear up with the details), reminded me that this part of training is only temporary and that the day will come soon that I'm actually sleeping on these roads ALONE and that now was my time to PRAY! You have to know my Mother to know that statement was HUGE but it worked. I probably rested more last night than I have in past six months at home.
I recognize that I will have to take many safety precautions. Lighted areas, parking close to front, pepper spray or taser. A self defense class is in my very near future but the spirit of fear I have to leave behind and truly trust that no weapons formed against me shall prosper. I know how to PRAY and that's my safe call!
On the road again... VA now headed to "Gots to B-more careful" that's for all my readers out there!
Group Hug have a blessed day!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Journey Home
As I begin this new career I've decided to dust off my blog to share my journey with you. I considered renaming my blog since this is a new chapter in my book of life but for now I will rest in the knowledge that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to know that God is the rock and my view from rock bottom is what gave me the strength to begin again.
With that said let me share that every journey for me begins at home and I'm not necessarily speaking of the physical location as I am the mental and emotional dwelling of home. For me that is my daughter, my family and some very special friends that are framily! Thank you!
Now you may wonder why a truck driver? Let me digress to help you understand how this life decision unfolds. It's no secret that my position was eliminated in March of 2014. I wish I could say that bothered me but it didn't. I smiled through my entire exit interview; I purchased parting gifts for former co-workers. I was beyond happy, I was FREE!!! During my time off I developed a sense of self and started working on my health. This is still a work in progress with goals still ahead of me but I understand my body, my mind and what food and being overweight means for me. However I'm digressing during my digress so in an effort to focus and to keep this a one day read I will have to write about that subject another day.
During my time off I tried an at home business that gave me more control over my schedule but still was corporate hell and I didn't desire to live in that trap again but it was an income so when that contract ended that may have been the very first time I felt like I might suffocate if I didn't find a J.O.B. I started shopping my resume, contacting head hunters and the closer I got to resuming life stuck in cubiclenation again the more miserable I became. I came to a crossroad, I had already taken the steps to begin the class A CDL program (something I desired to do since my daughter was 11) when I was called for what would be an appearance only interview. Which meant the job was mine and the interview just a formality. Fear made me set the appointment, Faith let me cancel it with confidence. Mind you unemployment ran out awhile ago. There was nothing left. Fortunately for me I TRUST GOD!! I shared my story, not out of pity but out of PROMISE! I had a very dear friend basically admit that she was ashamed for me because we have been programmed not to discuss hard times. Whatever, my transparency allowed strangers to bless me in ways unimaginable. One person paid my car payment for a few months, others sent money so that bills were paid. We didn't miss a meal, no utilities ever went off and even after packing my entire place, accepting that we would have to move that day never came. We are still unpacking. Lol. God will do it for the birds who worry not so why not for me. His CHILD!!
With that settled and the pressure removed I began my program. This should have been three weeks and out, but this is my life we are talking about so easy does not apply. Three weeks turned into eight. I completed my classwork and then I began the hurry up and wait process for a driving slot. I realized that I took for granted that this would be a breeze. I drive well, I love to drive, I'm great at distances and I would get to travel. NOT... it was hard. I struggled a lot. God and I developed a different line of communication. Which included me shouting at him. See this was my Hail Mary, my reinvention plan. This was how I would marry happy and successful. Either this works or I face the possibility of moving back home to Mommy and Daddy or a little less embarrassing to Denver with my sister. At least that didn't look like I failed but more like I was just starting somewhere new.
Finally I stopped screaming at God and just reviewed my plans with him to make sure they lined up with his desires for me and confirmation came from a morning motivational that our youth Pastor sends out daily. "God cares about the smallest details of your life. If it matters to you, it matters to him. Just be honest when you talk to Him." So we talked and during each part of my skills test I (who cannot sing) was singing LOUD praise and worship songs. My evaluated was like are you talking to yourself or singing? "I'm singing is that okay?" Her reply was whatever works for you. It DID, I PASSED FINALLY!!!!
A CDL turns the tables on unemployment. You are now a hot commodity and have your pick of positions. Nine job offers and counting. They will not stop coming until I decide to cut them off. At this point I just compared training programs, safety records, mileage pay and equipment to help make my decision. I narrowed it down to three and went with my second choice until I receive the endorsements and experience I will need to move into Hazmat tanker driving, which is my next goal.
Now this is the important part!! THE PLAN!!! Yes I've decided to work for a company as my first step. This is for experience and insurance purposes. This will prepare me for OWNERSHIP!! I will discuss that later, This is more than enough for today. I can talk forever about how good my God is, what I've learned from each delay but I will close with THANK YOU LORD!!
I hit the road tomorrow to begin my OTR so stay tuned I'm certain all my blogs going forward will start with... on the road again however all roads will forever be a part of my journey home. I do this for those I LOVE!!!
With that said let me share that every journey for me begins at home and I'm not necessarily speaking of the physical location as I am the mental and emotional dwelling of home. For me that is my daughter, my family and some very special friends that are framily! Thank you!
Now you may wonder why a truck driver? Let me digress to help you understand how this life decision unfolds. It's no secret that my position was eliminated in March of 2014. I wish I could say that bothered me but it didn't. I smiled through my entire exit interview; I purchased parting gifts for former co-workers. I was beyond happy, I was FREE!!! During my time off I developed a sense of self and started working on my health. This is still a work in progress with goals still ahead of me but I understand my body, my mind and what food and being overweight means for me. However I'm digressing during my digress so in an effort to focus and to keep this a one day read I will have to write about that subject another day.
During my time off I tried an at home business that gave me more control over my schedule but still was corporate hell and I didn't desire to live in that trap again but it was an income so when that contract ended that may have been the very first time I felt like I might suffocate if I didn't find a J.O.B. I started shopping my resume, contacting head hunters and the closer I got to resuming life stuck in cubiclenation again the more miserable I became. I came to a crossroad, I had already taken the steps to begin the class A CDL program (something I desired to do since my daughter was 11) when I was called for what would be an appearance only interview. Which meant the job was mine and the interview just a formality. Fear made me set the appointment, Faith let me cancel it with confidence. Mind you unemployment ran out awhile ago. There was nothing left. Fortunately for me I TRUST GOD!! I shared my story, not out of pity but out of PROMISE! I had a very dear friend basically admit that she was ashamed for me because we have been programmed not to discuss hard times. Whatever, my transparency allowed strangers to bless me in ways unimaginable. One person paid my car payment for a few months, others sent money so that bills were paid. We didn't miss a meal, no utilities ever went off and even after packing my entire place, accepting that we would have to move that day never came. We are still unpacking. Lol. God will do it for the birds who worry not so why not for me. His CHILD!!
With that settled and the pressure removed I began my program. This should have been three weeks and out, but this is my life we are talking about so easy does not apply. Three weeks turned into eight. I completed my classwork and then I began the hurry up and wait process for a driving slot. I realized that I took for granted that this would be a breeze. I drive well, I love to drive, I'm great at distances and I would get to travel. NOT... it was hard. I struggled a lot. God and I developed a different line of communication. Which included me shouting at him. See this was my Hail Mary, my reinvention plan. This was how I would marry happy and successful. Either this works or I face the possibility of moving back home to Mommy and Daddy or a little less embarrassing to Denver with my sister. At least that didn't look like I failed but more like I was just starting somewhere new.
Finally I stopped screaming at God and just reviewed my plans with him to make sure they lined up with his desires for me and confirmation came from a morning motivational that our youth Pastor sends out daily. "God cares about the smallest details of your life. If it matters to you, it matters to him. Just be honest when you talk to Him." So we talked and during each part of my skills test I (who cannot sing) was singing LOUD praise and worship songs. My evaluated was like are you talking to yourself or singing? "I'm singing is that okay?" Her reply was whatever works for you. It DID, I PASSED FINALLY!!!!
A CDL turns the tables on unemployment. You are now a hot commodity and have your pick of positions. Nine job offers and counting. They will not stop coming until I decide to cut them off. At this point I just compared training programs, safety records, mileage pay and equipment to help make my decision. I narrowed it down to three and went with my second choice until I receive the endorsements and experience I will need to move into Hazmat tanker driving, which is my next goal.
Now this is the important part!! THE PLAN!!! Yes I've decided to work for a company as my first step. This is for experience and insurance purposes. This will prepare me for OWNERSHIP!! I will discuss that later, This is more than enough for today. I can talk forever about how good my God is, what I've learned from each delay but I will close with THANK YOU LORD!!
I hit the road tomorrow to begin my OTR so stay tuned I'm certain all my blogs going forward will start with... on the road again however all roads will forever be a part of my journey home. I do this for those I LOVE!!!
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