I Digress...no more

I'm sitting in the living room of one of my sister's homes.  It's quiet, my daughter is sleeping and I'm alone with my thoughts. It's no secret that my sister isn't fond of this state so she is happy celebrating her birthday today at her other home in her favorite state! Bare with me as I digress a moment in order to move forward, for this is not about my sister or even my cousin but about life and death.

My sister has this wall of windows that over look a pond and it's a very rainy morning here. I woke up to a flash flood warning alarm on my phone but right now it's almost as if the rain is so transparent, so cleansing, almost majestic. The fall colors a beautiful display of death. Everything I see is void of life. The browns and oranges of nature while they are my favorite colors, also represent that the grass and tree leaves had to die to survive the elements that are too come. Sadly I'm sitting here this morning because one of my favorite people,  one of my greatest motivators and supporters lost her oldest son to a coward over his cell phone and his wallet. His Mom is my first cousin and her baby was only two and half hours into his 21st birthday when he was robbed of his life.

There was a vigil last night and services yet to come.  More family will travel in as the week goes by and the holiday passes so that we can say a final goodbye but in death there is always life and this is the purpose of this blog.

I started this blog Jan 4th 2012 on my birthday and I wrote for a year never missing a day more as therapy for myself that I just happened to share with the world.  Since that year ended I've only stop by my blog for brief visits and I've realized areas that I stopped growing,  places that I died in long ago but never said a final goodbye so those parts of my life have become toxic waste on my inside.  I've spoken candidly about the dysfunction that was my marriage,  the abuse in my life, the rape. There is more than enough to fill my book and yes it's still a work in progress but coming very soon.  Still I digress which is what this is about.  If you don't continue to find a way forward you end up stuck in what has died. I use to believe that if I didn't try harder, fight longer and love more that someone else would get a better version of my husband.  That I had invested ten years of my life for someone else to come live in the house I built. Wow, was I ever wrong. I wasn't moving on from something great and solid but broken and continuously self destructing so it didn't matter how fast I tried to put him back together he would always find a way to tear it down with his wreckless lifestyle catfishing to feed his greed.  You can't receive love from someone that doesn't love themselves. The person I met outside my home 10 years ago never existed, anymore than who he pretends to be. I don't say this with anger or regret just awareness that I spent so many years trying to remove his mask. See I didn't want to face what was wrong about me so I pretended that this couldn't be who he really is because I wouldn't pick a man like that to love. I use the word is instead of was because he didn't stop being who he is. I was the one to change.

It wasn't about him.  It was about the lack of self love or lack of understanding what love is. When all you've ever experienced was loud and chaotic; it is hard to adjust to silence.  My cousin said yesterday at her son's vigil. "I hugged my son this morning and by night God was hugging him." Life is just that fragile so like many it takes a tragic life altering event to wake us up. To force us to live again. For me I choose to die in a marriage, Jesus choose to die for us, for others its a job, your children,  your parents, the loss of a loved one, your addictions or the opinions of others that's holding you back from living. I charge you with the task of going to look yourself in the mirror and identifying where you digress within.

While my cousin shouldn't have had to die so senselessly, the reality is we all must die. His Mom said "God only wanted him here for exactly 21 years" and those almost 200 people that gathered last night in a bitter cold rain, showed what a great impact he made during his time on earth.  I'm sitting in the same spot as I finish this entry and the sun has come out and the ducks that live in this pond have started to move around; they are making noise, talking to each other. This represent that even when everything around you has passed on that you must keep living.  So today I open my blog back up so that we can talk about forgiving our past in order to live in the present and participate in the rest of our life. Today I digress no more.

Coming up for Air

I am in the middle of swim lessons. I've tried unsuccessfully many times before and I promise all of my previous lessons have always started out the same, hold onto the side of the pool and kick your legs and then lets learn to float. Well this time my lessons started with learning how to breathe. INHALE, EXHALE exercises with my face coming in and out of the water. YAY for me!!! I wasn't afraid to put my head under water, but doesn't that sound just like me? For those that know me and those that followed my blog last year you all know that I dive deep. I take the big plunge and then after I am under I get so caught up in my own mind; over thinking to the point that I forget to come up for air and end up sinking.

When instructed to go out to the center of the pool and let go of my wonderful instructor who I am trusting with my life; I learned that I could trust myself. Of course I didn't put it all together today, I still have to believe that my arms, legs and breathing will all work together making the water my friend, but what I did learn about my life was that I can come up for air during my lessons and that when things get to rough or when I lose my balance that if I just stand up I will be back on my feet.

Care Less

I’ve been told a million times that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. My authentic self never learned to adorn a mask and cover my true feelings. Instead I turned to silence as my shield, and soon found myself on mute.  Yes I can speak loud, clear and boldly on the other side of a pencil but verbally I turned down the volume in an effort to keep the peace. I spent so many years on BLAST with NO CHANGE that it has taken a moment to realize that the louder you get, the more your words sound like a conversation with Charlie Brown. After some very HARD conversations in which I learned that nothing I ever said would really be heard I realized that I didn’t need to talk at all; I just needed to care less.

Now don’t mistake those two words as being void of emotions. Nope that is not it. As most of you know I am very passionate about many subjects; I love hard and my loyalty is fierce but  I had to take the weight of what other’s thought, spoke or did off my shoulders. I had to ACCEPT that they are who they are and they think what they think and believe their own truth, but it did not have to be my truth and it was truly not my burden. I had to care less.

When you have had an audience co-sign on the decisions of your life for so long you forget how to trust yourself. Your value and self-esteem becomes wrapped up in their approval. When you reach to pick up the phone to see what someone else thinks or how they would handle a situation before you take the time to sort out the information for yourself or to determine how it makes you feel it means that you care too much about that persons opinion of your life. Unfortunately their feelings or response begin to alter your natural response and you are now jaded unable to stay true to who you are. I shared way too much because I needed for others to care when all I needed was to step back, care less and figure out my best response even if I turned out to be wrong. Caring less means I can take more time to care about me and that is not a selfish statement, that is Me loving on ME!  

Resurrection Day

Holding true to blogging at least once a month now, I figured today would be a great day to speak of resurrection. Jesus died! Can you imagine sacrificing one's life for complete strangers all because he had enough faith in his Father to believe that he would live again. Jesus died so that we could live; not for us to lie, steal and rob or to cheat, beat and abuse. Do you realize that Jesus died for our sins, for all of our wrongs and here we stand in strife with most people, unforgiveness in our hearts and even hatred. "Unforgiveness is the single most popular poison that the enemy uses against God's people, and it is one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually." We judge people by their race, gender, religion, size, or sexuality. We judge them because of their past or by how they hurt us before handing down a life sentence instead of loving them past our pain and their mistakes. Let's try this resurrection day to begin to honor the sacrifice Jesus made so that all relationships can be resurrected, so that all of God's children can receive love.

What a difference a year makes

A year wasn't a year anymore; it was just another date. I've grieved for so long that I think I convinced myself that I would dread this day, but instead I woke up with a smile! Finally over the tears and tired of holding onto something that wasn't holding on to me. I realize that unconditional love does not mean happy ever after. Now that the fog is evaporating and my depression lifting, I see that the sun really does come out tomorrow, you just have to go outside to see it!! The best part of love is that you can take it with you, carry it in your heart or spread it around the world but it is yours to give freely with as much abundance as you choose.

I thought I would have this nice long blog to write about today but for as scary as moving forward is, I am really okay!! I made it through this year and today is just another day!!

Praying for the Blessings of Others

Over the last few days I have been in this serious argument with God, well a one-sided screaming match as he patiently allowed me to get it all out. Today marks 335 days into the separation process and instead of rejoicing in the progress I’ve made over almost a year; I’ve spent the last few days somewhere between day one and day 200, but without the tears wondering why me? Dates run circles in my head like today is the 28^th and the 28^th marks each month that passes by without resolution or reconciliation. 28 also marks the day that we officially became engaged all of those years ago. So I have been asking God why does it seem like people that hurt others always receive blessings? No I don’t wish ill on anyone, but at times I wonder why is this person not living even one day in the hell I feel? I am beyond frustrated because I don’t want to stay mad at God and I don’t want to turn my back on God or leave him but I would like an answer to WHY am I not having more better days? Really Lord why all the false starts in my journey? See all I can think is God I am a nice person, I don’t intentionally cause pain and I really love with all of my heart, mind and soul so where are my blessings?

Well sometimes you need people in your life that give it to you straight no chaser, so after my two day rant with God and still all of these unresolved emotions I spoke my feelings out loud. And the answer that was returned to me…”Pray plenty more blessings for his life because while he is so BUSY with all of that MATERIAL STUFF (that will fade) he is out of your way FREEING up the SPACE for you to continue to HEAL and become STRONGER.”

See while the same ole song has been on repeat in my head… if I’m too busy loving him and he is too busy loving himself; then who is loving ME? (I made up that song it’s my personal tune and I haven’t found a new station) that is what happens when you have spent your entire life in this cycle of pain and disappointment you are scared to jump off the merry-go-round. You might be brave enough to drop one foot and kick up some dirt thinking you can handle hitting the ground, but the fear of falling completely off and it hurting more makes you pull your foot back every single time. I have been so afraid to Let Go and Let God because I couldn’t see my blessings as I was too busy measuring the blessings of others not realizing they were being distracted by things just so that I could continue to see the truth.  

Except I was so stuck in this tug-a-war between my heart and mind allowing any false hope to send me spiraling back down. I wanted to believe in the words that a mortal man was telling me. I keep praying for change in him, when God kept waiting patiently for the change to come from me. God does not violate our will, so I can pray until I am blue in the face for someone else to change, but I have no control over their will and God does not pick that fight. All along his grace has been trying to save me the struggles of that lost battle.

I’ve spent a lot of time justifying the pain by replaying the beginning when our time and memories where great!! But as I learned today, my memories don’t have to go away and yes people can change, but accepting things for what they are right now is my task. I don’t know God’s plan but what I do know is for as scared as I am of living without the pain (sounds sick), I am more afraid of continuing to hurt while waiting for that change. See Hurt people Hurt people and if I keep allowing myself to be hurt then I will hurt all the things around me by not being my best self. I will not lie, I have no clue what my best self looks like. I have no clue what life without pain looks like either for it has been a string of bad luck, bad decisions, bad relationships for most of my life but I do know from a quote that was sent to me that I can “take all the time I need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day. It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of my broken self.”  

What I know for sure is that there will be days I miss his voice and other days I listen to his false hope but the closer I get to God the quieter those lies become. I know that with my daughter leaving the nest and me having to face myself alone that I have to decide if I am a priority or just willing to settle on being someone else’s option. I have to figure out what I like about me and make it better and what I don’t like I must change. Look I am new at this; I’ve always turned my love outward hoping someone would love me back. I’ve never turned it inward to see what it feels like to love me!

365 Death of a Blog

Well its been a full year. 365 days that you've shared my life and for that I thank you.  This began as therapy for me. My open diary; an invitation into my life.  Along the way I somehow managed to unknowingly provide support and strength for others to make life changes. I didn't set out to do anymore than face my fears, as they were my weaknesses.  I wanted to talk about the pains, disappointments, hurt and anger. I wanted encouragement from others that have successfully won the fight against weight and others raising a teenager alone.  For people who loved and lost but were brave enough to love again. I just needed to be open, honest. Transparent!!!! Most of all I needed a place to grow. A safe place to share the gift God gave to me. Many days my entries were my conversations with God. There was not a topic everyday and most entries had no forethought. I write as I think. So now that my goal for this year has been met, I promise to continue to share but it just might not be everyday. Thank you all for traveling this journey with me. The best is yet to come!!!

39 and Holding

When I was younger my Mom use to have a key chain that read 39 and Holding; back then I thought 39 was so old, not so much now as I enter my last hour of 39 it doesn't seem old enough. There are so many things I still have not done. Goals I have yet to meet and places I need to see. Dreams that still only surface at night because I have yet to bring them to reality. 39 is still so young when you have a to do list longer than your arm. At 19 it seemed that I was just beginning to live, not as much as I feel ALIVE at 39 waiting for the clock to strike 12...I am so looking forward to 40. People scream it is the new 20 or 30, for me it is Fabulous 40!!! There is nothing I regret from those younger years nor anything I would dare repeat. They were the stepping stone to help me stretch and grow. I listened to a man say he didn't buy his first horse until 40 and won five polo matches by 50. He also created the blooming onion at Outback and is part owner. His message, never give up and don't ever believe that it is too late!!! I can't hold onto 39 because then I would stop living and miss all that 40 has in store!!! FORTY FABULOUS and FREE...well almost it isn't midnight yet!!! :-)

I'm My Motivation

In conversation with my W.H.(work husband)! (ha lol) as he vented today about his external life. He might as well hit me in the head with a sack of rocks as he said, "I can count on one hand how many people I know that are not necessarily friends or family that motivate me and I don't mean that I can make it all the way to the number five when I say one hand." Now the meaning behind Mr. Positives statement today was you have to be your own motivation. Your life is not like the t.v. you can't just hit the remote control, you have to get up and change it yourself. Now to back up this conversation as God never fails me in the confirmation department. I am reminded of an interview Tyrese did on TBN with Steve Harvey and one of the most profound things Tyrese stated as I paraphrase was he heard a sermon Bishop Jakes preached once and in it he said..."‎Just because you go to sleep at night, doesn't mean you're resting." So how do I rest if my life is a nightmare while I'm awake... you cut people out of your life unapologetically."  "Loyalty has an expiration."  

You can't just keep owing people your life. Not the ones that helped you or the ones you've helped. At some point we must call it even or indifferent and you must begin to live for yourself. Your circle has to rotate and in that you might lose or gain some people, but you must always be clear on the motives of others. Do they add value to your life and not monetary value, but substance that will promote or support your growth. When you are striving to be or do things different from what you were taught or to move away from what looks like ordinary to you then it is time to open your circle and either pull it apart or rebuild it and contrary to what other's may believe at times you have to just hold your own hand. No one can cheer you own like you can and no one understands your direction like  you do. There comes a time in everyone's life that no matter how close someone travels to the finish line with you, they can't cross it for you. You must be your own motivation. 

Day 1 of 1

Today marks the New Year, January 1, 2013 and while it is indeed day one of this year, it is safe to say that since no one knows the day or hour that each day we are blessed to wake up, it is day one for us all over again. We get a redo every day that we are granted life. If you failed yesterday, you can try again. If you were not your best self you have a chance to make amends. Time would not be broken down into seconds if God wanted us to count the hours or the days.

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter there were days of panic just because I was terrified of dying before she was grown. Over the years especially after we moved to a state with no family around I would have these panic attacks. I had a note on my dashboard and back of my drivers license with instructions on who to call to make sure my child did not become lost in a foster system while they tried to contact my family. Not making it to tomorrow haunted me and I realized in my prayers today that it came from lack of trust which reduced my level of faith with God.

So now that we started today as day one, the question becomes what did you do with this day? I actually took it to rest and there was no guilt associated with sleeping for hours during a midday nap. I have no remorse about not taking the tree down today or for not completing the million course meal I had initially planned. I am even okay with the 25 minutes of exercise I did, it's better than the nothing I originally had planned for today!!!

Don't beat yourself up over goals that you set on day one and did not complete and don't feel you need to wait until next year to begin again. I picked up a one year bible that was gifted to me back in May and I started with Day 1 today, but in hindsight if I had started Day 1 back in May, I would be more than half way done with reading the bible in its entirety. We are instructed to live each day as our last, so with each new dawn we can press restart and begin again!!!