The Struggle

I had an interesting conversation today about the struggle. Life struggle that is!!! It seems that if you are a felon, you can’t receive public assistance at least here in Georgia, so I asked if you are a felon who more than likely gets looked over for a position in which would not require you to need public assistance and if you are fortunate enough to land a job that pays you close to minimum wage and that is a stretch because truly you will most likely just be passed over for that job too, especially now with so many of us with a higher education that still cannot migrate beyond the working poor. Then why is it that you must retreat to the back woods, breeze ways or bridges only to surface at noon when the shelter opens for your one free (donated) meal. I start off with the felon scenario, but this is more about the less fortunate as a whole, not just former criminals.

I get that tax payers are tired of supporting the poor, but if the rich are only motivated by greed and not willing to share a dime, why can’t they share simple time? Time to help the less fortunate formulate a plan, because from just volunteering at the shelter and listening to the struggles; I have learned that it is not from lack of will, motivation or drive that the poor stay poor. It is the CHANCE that they are missing. Mind you I did not say OPPORTUNITY; given the chance they would take the opportunity to turn their situation around. It is more likely that an average athlete will make it to the pros before the homeless will make it off the streets, but we would rather invest in box seats to support the rich (making and keeping the wrong people rich, but that is another topic for another day) instead of volunteering our time to mentor those that society deems defeated.

Living a life so close to being one step removed; I OVERstand the struggle because I am not a lazy person and I am an educated person. I work hard everyday; I look even harder for ways beyond the struggle. Not a get rich quick scheme, but for an honest way to share my gifts with the world that will also move my family forward. I understand that money is energy and giving is the easiest way to attract a living. I just ask what does the Lost have left to give and where are those that have it to give? Must your club be so small, members only willing to pass those that beg on the street, because his shoes don’t shine like yours or he has never seen the inside of a Gucci store?

I guess God decided who should be rich here on earth, because Lord knows I would just go broke trying to help the poor.

Dont ask...

You can't handle the truth is not just a popular movie line, it is a hard core fact. People ask, but don't really desire to hear or they have their mind so made up that if 100 people told the same truth they would stay stuck in their lie. Your version is easier to swallow than what really is. Facing reality may require change and no one wants to be forced out of their comfort zone. People know they are wrong before they look to you to cosign, but for some reason wrong needs the strongest validation. When people are right they stand on that alone, but when folks are wrong they have to relive the story until they are convinced others believe. My suggestion would be, don't ask if you can't handle the truth.

Sista-friends

Sista-friends are the women you invite into your life. A blood relation not required, but a plus. Women that support you, dry your tears and ease your fears. Strong women that have a life and still manage to fit you in. Not a pity party, tell you how it really is, but support how you feel. Not just the fair weather friend available only when it's good, but that lifetime friend that will beat you to your own fight. A Sista-friend doesn't need the title bff, as they specialize in different areas. This one is your best prayer partner, that one your relationship counsel. Another a child hood friend or maybe career advisor. Don't forget Ms. I'll meet you at happy hour. A Sista-friend graciously accepts the other women in your circle as they understand their purpose is to close the gap, they enter your home with smiles and hugs because their love is the unbreakable bond. For my Mom, sister, aunties, cousins and friends. Thank you all for being my Sista-friends.

Love will win any fight

I so understand what Jesus meant by turn the other cheek or to love thy enemy or treat others as you would like to be treated. When two people are at a stand still because neither is willing to surrender their position all else fails. If no one is willing to show love first, then it just dies with two strong headed people acting stupid. What are you standing up for if you lose everything? What relationship works without compromise, you tell me where only one person is ever right in a fight? Taking ownership over your own mess is one of the greatest self evaluation test. We all desire love, but are we lovable and more importantly do we show love? Love really does not keep records of wrong, it forgives in order to let the relationship live. Of course not all situations deserve a second chance, but even in letting go love can make the difference between a peaceful goodbye or a resentful fight. I just believe that if love was ever shared no matter how bad it can take down any fight. If you exit with love you will not have to travel far to receive love again, because you are not left fighting bitterness that prohibits you from letting love win when you begin again.

Life goes on...

This day has been too full, I cannot stop the pounding in my head to sort my thoughts so this will be short. What I will say is being in the presence of black love is precious and that after all the healing is done, my heart will open again. That having an amazing bond with a sister-friend with an open door and arms is priceless and when the conversations done still a text message filled with love reminding me that I deserve better. I've had a full day beginning with an amazing instant message from my cousin that helped me remember we all go through, but God holds you. To a very important phrase from my sister friend "we all lose somebody, but we must go on." Life doesn't stop at disappointments door, a broken heart or even death. At the end of the day life goes on, so we might as well keep living.

Dusk before Dawn

A stranger saw my tear drenched face today and promised that the light would shine again tomorrow reminding me that there are only 12 hours assigned to darkness. A co-worker held me in her arms daring me to praise God anyway; challenging me to only show the God in me. To trust you Lord and lean in close gathering my safety from the knowledge that you will never say goodbye. Dusk seemed so long today pushing dawn away, hanging over head like a potential storm cloud. My heart died a little more today as it slowly began to follow my mind. Let it go, it instructed if it's peace you seek. You've overstayed this visit eight years making a figure eight no beginning or end just a delusional set of circles. Seeking a verbal hug my Mom decided instead tough love closing with a whisper you've tried everything else see what letting go feels like. My gtalk friend living a lateral life shed light on the fact that we matter and if we get busy living our lives we'd only attract what's right. If we just believe that dusk can't keep hold of a broken heart before it is captured by dawns light and restored whole.

Math Blues

We as adults manage to survive our bad days and if we are masters of our many roles the people we encounter may never even know. When your child has a bad day unfortunately it shows and touches a parent deep to realize its more than just teens woes. No petty gossip or backstabbing friends; nor did her boyfriend make her sad. She's stressed over school, math to be exact. Determine to get it she'll spend all evening tutoring. Still a junior she already knows that after this semester she only has four classes to go. Early graduation an option indeed, but of course she's not ready to leave. This is serious stuff that makes my heart bleed, because I watch how hard my daughter works to succeed!!!

Favor

How big are your balls that after it all, you still can ask me for a favor. Talk about entitlement issues. This on top of a system designed to make me work just to be free from your dirt. Today I'm screaming, frustration level berserk!! This has got to be some sick joke, did you fix your lips to ask me for a favor? If I was the violent type that would cause a fight; hell even the silent type might Joe Fraizer you. A few choice words just does not seem enough. Screaming did this (insert curse word here) just ask me for a favor!!! I have the best one yet, how about I disappear forever. Do you like that favor?

Running out of time

Here I am another night trying to beat the midnight hour. The second hand racing around the clock and still no developed topic. Emotional drained, I slipped and fell into that horrible character again. Why am I so weak that if I can't stand on God's love that I'm not strong enough to just shut up. It takes two to argue a losing battle, why must it get darkest in the last few hours? It's been years of ugly which is why we stand here, but must we fight over goodbye? Nothing good to say, enough mud has been slung. Why the hell do we keep going at this pace. Please I'm running out of time, about to lose my mind, just praying for goodbye to end.

Pains Addiction

I watched the repeat of Oprah's last interview with Whitney Houston when she admitting to asking God for just one day of strength, chills ran through me and then I watched parts of the Tony Robbins event and one thing that resonated within my spirit is that we are addicted to pain; that it is the story we are willing to tell about our lives even before joy. Many of our painful relationships become our addiction, which is why we stay. We become consumed with trying to save people instead of accepting who they are. While we are busy trying to put on someone else's life jacket, we end up under water wondering why our lack of oxygen hurts. Even in the example on Tony Robbins the guest couldn't speak of her greatest joy, her children without the sadness surfacing first . This is fitting to my life, I talk about my love which is my daughter and I begin by wallowing in all that I couldn't do for her instead of boasting about her brilliance, her creativity and that she is a wonderful solid young woman that I raised!!! Accepting pain for what it is begins by identifying the hurt, sorrow and sadness and deciding what part of it you need to help you grow and then releasing it. Letting it go instead of letting it define you. It takes less energy to become addicted to happiness and it feels 100% better!!!! Tell the other side of your story for awhile and soon you will realize there is joy beyond the pain.

Apologies Done

Okay over the past few weeks I've used my blog for deep self reflection; as an avenue to atone for what I feel have been some serious missteps in my life and to release myself from the guilt. For those that needed it, I've reach back personally, but at the end of the day I forgive ME! What I know for certain is you can't change the other persons version of that same hurt, they have to reconcile their own pain. Now as I step forward in peace knowing that I've done my best, I leave whatever problems others have with me, with them. Get over it or don't, speak up or stay quiet. Whatever works for you, I'm comfortable with the fact that I've used my words. All I can do is apologize. With that said, I'm DONE!

Dear God Daughters

This topic has been heavy on my heart for years. Being a God parent is a privilege and a beautiful gift when someone allows you to be a person of influence and safety for their child. I have two God daughters, both of whom I've done a disservice. One I gained as a teenager when I was too young to understand my responsibility and one as I was going through a divorce in my late twenties, both absolute beautiful ladies. My oldest is a young adult with a son of her own and my youngest a young teen. While of course I wish I could have done more for them financially, I know that being a God parent is not a monetary responsibility and they both have parents that give them the best. Being a God parent is an emotional investment. I failed my girls with my time. I became like the absent parent. It took me years to see how selfish I was when I made the decision to move away. I didn't just move; I disconnected, shut down and neglected a responsibility that I promised to God. Brianna and Kimani, I apologize. Time I can never replaced but know in my heart that my short comings were not from a malicious place. Both of you should be the sisters my only child never had. My number should be on speed dial. Your parents trusted me and now years later I must earn your trust because I love you both.

Social Therapy

I've spent too many years just being a mother and wife and yes in that order, not saying that it has always been right and possibly if I had lowered my guard and reverse them it wouldn't have taken so long for me to begin my social therapy. If I hadn't selfishly single handedly tried to be everything to everybody, they could have spent more bonding time and I wouldn't be reintroducing myself to life. Tonight's session was full of wonderful paint strokes over a bottle of wine and yes I admit that I feel mighty fine. Full of bubbly cheer, just fun time all about Me! A self reminder to never lose my life in the roles of just mother or wife.

Tired for you

Easiest way to eliminate people in your life is to stay in a bad relationship past its expiration date and still talk about it. We take our loved ones on the emotional roller coaster with us, forgetting that they don't come back from the lows when we do, so when we are riding high on temporary happiness, they are stuck back over at mad not ready to forgive or board the ride again. When we get tired they are already exhausted and when we get exhausted they are disgusted with us, no longer willing to invest another ounce of energy into our debilitating episode. While we dislike our situation part time; the people who love us have made dislike their full time job. Try casting your burdens on God and give your love ones a break today.

GO

The moment after you understand that there is nothing left to say about the end, you realize that it's time to begin again. When there is no one to look back for and the only turn places you on an open road. Proceeding with caution you maneuver slow holding the steering wheel extra tight. Accelerating at a snails pace, dreading the next blind curve, nervous for there only seems to be green lights. The wind begins to out pace you, whistling a dare to just catch up. Life didn't halt at the last speed bump. Roll past the pain, blow fear out of your brain as you release the top. Look at the view smiling back at you. Gone girl press that gas, life's too short to wait on a bus pass.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Setting standards becomes the foundation of self worth, it is how you learn to love thyself. It is not the give and take of compromise rather it is the moments solidified before allowing others into your happy space. Knowing who you are, identifying your weakness to avoid being taken for granted. Knowing where you are vulnerable and not allowing people to use it against you. A higher standard does not leave you waiting for others to live up to a potential they may never recognized, rather it saves you valuable time by providing you with the foresight to eliminate fraudulent representatives. True to who you are will not settle for a made up version of what they want to be. Standards leave no room for regret only lessons on how to continue to raise them. A sistafriend once told me, that if I was busy focusing on who I am and what I want that it would do one of two things; have the people in my life step up or step off. Don't ever question yourself; stand up for who you are.

Stand and you will get stuck

When you don't know what to do, you stand. I took the traditional route college right after high school, a major I've never practiced full time; a part time interest, but not a full time passion. So here I stand stuck in this middle earth required to make a living, but not living a life. The bills could care less about what you love. I stand somewhere between melancholy and sad as I offer prayers and pleads on how my gift can help me succeed? Encouraging others to follow their dreams, a hypocrite I am as I conform to societies plan. Working poor and not just financially. Poor in spirit and soul, mentally depleted by a lust for so much more. How long will I stand going no where without a first step. Tricked by numbers, the one that says you are half way done with life and should be planning for retirement, not starting over. Is it really starting over if you've never begun? How can you stand and watch life pass you by, without even a try?

An incomplete thought

Writing is my first love, but like all good relationships it takes a lot of work. I've started a few topics today none that I can complete and then I realized that even writers take a break to recharge their battery, fuel their creative juices...to refocus.

My blog has been all over the place, sort of like my thoughts and emotions. While some topics are insightful others are too personal but they are all authentically me. I went into this with a mind frame of transparency, believing that is the only way for truth to be revealed.

I read some of the best blogs daily that inspire me to forge through until I find my niche, my pace in this life race. My mind never turns off, my #2 and pad always near, my phone memo full of electronic sticky notes. I write everyday; because all conversations, all quite moments and everything in between creates an opportunity for expression. I learned from reading Russell Simmons Super Rich that you are not what you say you are if you are not doing what you want to be and then you have to have enough faith to give it away.

Today, I have a million incomplete topics running through my mind none that I feel like writing about, but I wrote because at the end of the day. I am an Author!

We are more than our issues

It's Saturday and my day started early with the best of intentions, but my truck decided otherwise. Resigned to the fact that I am stuck at home with a to do list a mile long, I make the choice to keep a positive attitude as I begin the research on what it might cost to make my truck road worthy again. As the day goes from what should have been 100 miles per hour to zero, I learn from my Mother who is in disbelief that one of her favorites and one of our legends has passed away, Whitney Houston.

Now hear me out I am not comparing my car troubles to the loss of her life, what helped me arrive at this title would be the disheartening coverage of her death by the media. Ms. Houston shared an amazing gift with the world, but never did the word star replace human, nor should she be defined by her issues. At the end of her life she was still a daughter, mother, family member and friend to those that lost her. She was still a human being and if we dared live our life any closer to God we would not look only to the bad, sad and tragic. Instead we would search for the good, talk about the redemptions and pay respect for the gift she shared. It got me off my own soap box of frustration that every time I get one step closer some thing sends me two steps back. The first step back is to learn what I failed to the first time around and the second to show me that I have the strength to still move forward.

I don't know Whitney anymore than I knew Don Cornelius or Michael Jackson, I was just a fan, but as a person just like them I know that we are more than our issues and when our loved ones must say goodbye they are not mourning our problems, but our person.

You've got bubbles

Just when you thought all emotions were dead; you get a message stating you've got bubbles. A slow grin crawls across your face, quickly ascending the stairs to an awaiting oasis. You smile! Inching one toe at a time slowly into your bubble bath. A deep sigh as you recognize the white flag bouncing off the candle wick. For this moment there is a truce; no screaming or hollering, no battle for the position of right just not to end up stuck with wrong. Take a moment to relax and remember faintly what use to be. No promise of tomorrow, just this vow of seductive silence that loudly says I took the time because I still adore you; even if I can't figure out how to love you.

Resting my "S"

Today I'm tired, I've taken the "S" off my chest to give it a rest. Sick of being the bigger person, the voice of reason, the logical one, the let you deposit your bad day into my happy space so that you can bring me down.  I'm exhausted from trying to cheer you up, I can't be your everything.

I've decided to rest my "S" so that tomorrow I will have enough for me. Enough to fill my day with a piece of joy, some laughter and a lot of peace. Enough happiness to make even you smile as you realize I will not have time to come to your rescue. A day reserved just for me no heavy "S" to carry around, no cape to escape, no emergency house calls. Today I'm free to take time for ME!!!!

My Loyalty is with Right

Our status doesn't matter; mother, sister, daughter or friend. My loyalty is not in the title I hold; rather in right over wrong. I can't be down with your cause if it gives me pause. I've never followed a clique, leader of my own mind I will not join the wrong side. No I'm not about to back you in the crowd, so please don't ask me to co-sign on your bull$#@!. A true friend can say you are wrong without fear of losing that friendship.

Grown doesn't make you an Adult

It seems that our generation has not found the stability in employment as our parents did or when hard times hit we were ill prepared to stand on our own two feet, forcing us to lean back on our parents. What a blessing and a curse. It pains me to ever see my parents hurt or burden because of my poor decisions, or failed planning. My problems are not their problems. If you are blessed enough to have parents that are willing and able to assist you during a hard time, don't forget that you have to hang up your adult card and respect their rules, space and time. Don't become comfortable laying your troubles at their feet, pick up your own shoes. They love us enough to want us to do better, but no one desires to help those that turn a down time into a vacation. If your parents opened their home for you to pull your life back together, please put together an exit plan. While they will be slow to turn you away, trust me they are ready for your grown behind to go. If you are like me and have parents that are blessed to have it, guess what... news flash it doesn't mean they desire to spend it on you. They worked hard and saved long for their money, cars, homes and time. They built their life, its time to build our own. If you live with your parents pay them rent or utilities, cook and clean up after you and them. Just because your drivers license proclaims you are grown, that doesn't make you an adult. Adults figure it out or go without, because it may be hard for you to believe, but our parents don't OWE us a thing. Many of us were afforded great opportunities because the lives of our parents past included large sacrifices to ensure we had the best chance possible, so our Mom skipped the nail salon, wasn't hanging in the club and for sure was not planning a vacation while still living in someone else's home. It is past time to prioritize, because our future should include taking care of our parents. It's our turn to do their job. They taught us well and why not show them now that we can survive, because once they are gone we will have no choice. I have a lot of wrongs to right, my first step is to apologize.

TV Time

Monday nights I have a standing tv date with my daughter. I love watching her snuggled on her side of the couch, while I yarn at her teen shows. Every moment spent with her is worth every second of Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game, it wasn't so long ago that I tortured my family with my 90210 craze. I've spent years trying to hold onto every moment, wishing I could get a redo in a whole lot of areas. I tried so hard to give her the best. I failed by trial and error, but children don't come with an instruction manual. We go into parenting promising NOT to do all the things we hated about our parents, until we have that light bulb moment that has us calling our parents just to apologize twenty years later. Being a parent doesn't mean we can't take some moments to be a good friend. What I know I've done right by sharing her joy and learning the characters to her favorite tv shows, is that I've always shown her LOVE!

Any Given Sunday

America's favorite sport is in the last quarter of the final game of this season, Superbowl 46 and it no longer matters if your team made it to the dance at this point you had to pick a side. The Superbowl is more than just the game, it's laughing at the commercials, great food and treasured time spent with family and friends. Sunday after Sunday we screamed at the tv and as my daughter likes to remind me, "Mom they can't hear you." What she doesn't know is YES THEY CAN, as millions of us can count on our announcers to give life to our words. When officials cheat or forget to speak, we scream. We talk trash to our love ones who chose the opponents side. We cook the wings and pass the beer as we cheer. What we understand with heart in our hand that on Any Given Sunday it's anybody's game! Congrats New York Giants!!!!

Mind over Matter

Action precede results. Talking about it doesn't get it done; hoping and wishing is just a dream and while I believe prayer works, even the bible says faith without works is dead. Meaning we must DO something about whatever it is we desire to change. A negative relationship does not improve without a positive attitude and believe it or not letting go can be one of the most positive moves you make for you and them. A new job does not normally just fall into your lap without taking the effort to update your resume and dusting off your interview suit. Losing weight will not happen unless you are willing to push away from the table, trade your chilli cheese fritos for Greek yogurt (ok learned that today, lol) and put on your running shoes even if all you are able to do is walk for now. The list could go on to include whatever your current mental challenge may be, but as I lifted that ball with my legs today towards my head, I told myself that it is mind over matter. I had to change my mind about my ability or what I use to think was lack thereof to prove to me that if I took action that I could do it and I DID IT. Just like I do this blog daily regardless of the readership, because in my mind I write for me and if I touch on a subject that speaks to you I'm grateful that sharing helped in some way. The saying goes nothing beats a fail, but a try and that dawn is closest in your darkest hour. The life you desire will not come until you take that first step towards it and once you realize you didn't fall the next step is easier to take. Now go RUN your life, you deserve it and don't let your mind tell you otherwise!!

Better Safe than Sorry

By self admission I'm a little faded off the lemon drop. Thanking God that I made it, but now I'm making the choice to be safe than sorry. Walking sideways through the front door, I need to stop. No cute red dress for show tonight, no meeting you at the club, because my baby is watching me stumble through the door. She is expecting a return home and it wouldn't be cool for her to hear it from a cop, that your mama didn't make it home because of the lemon drop. I've already taken one chance it didn't hurt nobody, but I think I'd rather be safe than sorry, instead of driving drunk to the party. Goodnight!

Karma...wait for it

There is a reason that only God can judge; we would take too much satisfaction if it was left up to us. Well I'll settle for Karma instead; waiting for her to show her pretty little head. Sitting with a smile on my face, as I remember that date not long ago that my fate was of little concern and now here you stand wishing you could bite your tongue instead of fixing your lips to ask me for a helping hand. Familiar with those shoes, what an unpleasant slap when karma catches up to you. You can run, but never can you hide; trust and believe karma will take my side. The wrong you do will come back to you. Just wait for it...

I live black everyday.

Black History month begins today and the world takes special care to recognize the leaders of yesterday for a brief 28 well 29 this year, but for us that live black everyday, we remember always. We coexist in this world that speaks of equality; quick to push us back into reality; when the leader of the free world looked just like me, a shade to dark for them to see. I grew up in an environment in which color we did not see; a gift and a curse. It allowed me to see the beauty of all people, but failed to prepare me for a world so cold. A world that can not see the purple in her ebony skin, or that his paleness is damn near white. Can't you see the yellow in his tone or why they call her red bone? Pretty Brown eyes over there is as carmel as can be, but all you see is black, so you miss the beauty in me.