Praying for the Blessings of Others

Over the last few days I have been in this serious argument with God, well a one-sided screaming match as he patiently allowed me to get it all out. Today marks 335 days into the separation process and instead of rejoicing in the progress I’ve made over almost a year; I’ve spent the last few days somewhere between day one and day 200, but without the tears wondering why me? Dates run circles in my head like today is the 28^th and the 28^th marks each month that passes by without resolution or reconciliation. 28 also marks the day that we officially became engaged all of those years ago. So I have been asking God why does it seem like people that hurt others always receive blessings? No I don’t wish ill on anyone, but at times I wonder why is this person not living even one day in the hell I feel? I am beyond frustrated because I don’t want to stay mad at God and I don’t want to turn my back on God or leave him but I would like an answer to WHY am I not having more better days? Really Lord why all the false starts in my journey? See all I can think is God I am a nice person, I don’t intentionally cause pain and I really love with all of my heart, mind and soul so where are my blessings?

Well sometimes you need people in your life that give it to you straight no chaser, so after my two day rant with God and still all of these unresolved emotions I spoke my feelings out loud. And the answer that was returned to me…”Pray plenty more blessings for his life because while he is so BUSY with all of that MATERIAL STUFF (that will fade) he is out of your way FREEING up the SPACE for you to continue to HEAL and become STRONGER.”

See while the same ole song has been on repeat in my head… if I’m too busy loving him and he is too busy loving himself; then who is loving ME? (I made up that song it’s my personal tune and I haven’t found a new station) that is what happens when you have spent your entire life in this cycle of pain and disappointment you are scared to jump off the merry-go-round. You might be brave enough to drop one foot and kick up some dirt thinking you can handle hitting the ground, but the fear of falling completely off and it hurting more makes you pull your foot back every single time. I have been so afraid to Let Go and Let God because I couldn’t see my blessings as I was too busy measuring the blessings of others not realizing they were being distracted by things just so that I could continue to see the truth.  

Except I was so stuck in this tug-a-war between my heart and mind allowing any false hope to send me spiraling back down. I wanted to believe in the words that a mortal man was telling me. I keep praying for change in him, when God kept waiting patiently for the change to come from me. God does not violate our will, so I can pray until I am blue in the face for someone else to change, but I have no control over their will and God does not pick that fight. All along his grace has been trying to save me the struggles of that lost battle.

I’ve spent a lot of time justifying the pain by replaying the beginning when our time and memories where great!! But as I learned today, my memories don’t have to go away and yes people can change, but accepting things for what they are right now is my task. I don’t know God’s plan but what I do know is for as scared as I am of living without the pain (sounds sick), I am more afraid of continuing to hurt while waiting for that change. See Hurt people Hurt people and if I keep allowing myself to be hurt then I will hurt all the things around me by not being my best self. I will not lie, I have no clue what my best self looks like. I have no clue what life without pain looks like either for it has been a string of bad luck, bad decisions, bad relationships for most of my life but I do know from a quote that was sent to me that I can “take all the time I need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day. It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of my broken self.”  

What I know for sure is that there will be days I miss his voice and other days I listen to his false hope but the closer I get to God the quieter those lies become. I know that with my daughter leaving the nest and me having to face myself alone that I have to decide if I am a priority or just willing to settle on being someone else’s option. I have to figure out what I like about me and make it better and what I don’t like I must change. Look I am new at this; I’ve always turned my love outward hoping someone would love me back. I’ve never turned it inward to see what it feels like to love me!