Like it, Love it

The saying goes fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What if there are just situations that enter our life that we continuously play the fool for? Is it foolish to love your spouse no matter what? Didn't we promise for better or worse? But we have placed limits on our worse. Jesus took ALL of our sins and died for them. Now how much worse can it get than sacrificing ones life. We let our children play us like a fiddle, but we love them so unconditionally that we instantly forgive. No one judges us worse than those closest to us and they label it out of love, but is wanting what they see as best for us love or is accepting what you want for you true love? The kind of love that might not like or agree with your choice, but will take the road of if you like it, I love it. 

Paying It Forward

Someone said, "that's nice of you." My response, "No, that's required of me." God does not bless us for us to hold onto that reward. We are blessed to pay it forward. To not just have a grateful heart, but a giving and serving heart. It finally makes complete sense in my mind. I've been thinking too small and possible selfishly, but not intentionally. I was focusing inward instead of outward. God provides for you, so if your needs are met then its time for you to help provide for others. It's not always money, but time, conversation, counsel, a ride, encouragement or even a smile. Somedays a hug goes a very long way. Paying it forward is such a small price in comparison to Jesus Life.

The Anointing

I didn't just attend a wedding today, it was an experience!! The Anointing!!! That filled that space. Jesus showed up and showed out!!! Made me want to shout!! Small intimate, blessed for two. Back where it all started a house party; that same beautiful space they exchanged more than wedding vows. They exchanged all their past for this brand new life. I can't predict the future, but I'd put my last dollar that this ones forever. Oh what beautiful hope that love does conquer all. As the Apostle stated this is how unions work when you don't interfere with God. Oh Lord I will wait to hear you say, because I believe my day will come. I can testify how awesome you are when we operate from Agape Love.

Silent Suicide

Stress kills is far from a joke. It's the silent type, creeping up on you like a thief in the night. Running rampage through your veins causing confusion in your mind. It's a slow moving pressure almost like an avalanche picking up momentum as it goes, until one day you find yourself ran over and buried. Proper sleep, exercise, meditation and prayer are all useful tools. Some even result to happy pills just to ease the anxiety. I didn't realize how real stress was until it attack my mind and body and I didn't realize that it would be an everyday fight just to stay above water. All I can say are my days are filled with prayer. Thank you Father for your open door policy.

Box

Career wise I went from a fish bowl to a glass ceiling. Now I can see the sky, but I'm still stuck. The energy level is magnificent and the people progressively forward, but the role still has limits. I had a meeting today to address goals and thinking outside the box proved to be futile when people misjudge your capabilities by the diminished role you serve. In my heart I know all roles will feel stagnant until I'm doing solely what I love. In an effort to breathe I took out my writing material the only outlet that helps me reach far beyond the sky. I was free in those moments and realized that I'll never be happy living inside a box. Neither should you; go do what you love!!

Diary of A Mad Black Woman pt. 2

Tyler wrote it first, but I must agree that if something happened; legally I would be the one pulling "Diary of A Mad Black Woman" rank. So no matter how hard you play let's pretend at the end of the day the business is mine. No one gets to sign their name, pick out any colors, write your story. Not that 2.5 seconds can claim they know you. It's been my blood, sweat and tears. Your biggest cheerleader and at times your greatest enemy. When the hospital calls they are looking for next of kin, not next in line. The one with the legal name, not doodled on the legal pad. Just because my back is turned headed for the door; wondering why did I get married? Don't mean I want pause long enough to "tap that ass" in my Jill Scott voice, "don't try me." We can recreate TP movies all day. "Hot Grits" anyone!!!

Time Running Me

I started my day by claiming to stop procrastinating as I run up against my blog deadline because I was running behind on my group project which put me in a jam for my individual work. I'm so tired now from the clock running me that I'm glad I'm out of time to make this too long. Good night.

Twenty Three

I am so happy to announce that this day was so much better than I expected and far better than I hyped myself up to make it. I have replayed this day in my mind for sometime now, convincing myself that it was important to reframe it. To give it a different meaning, but I spent far too much time over analyzing it when all I really had to do was live it and not wish it away. It actually became one of my most productive days and not the force yourself to stay busy, but the I am so thankful that I had so much to do busy. I shed some tears but they were actually from just wanting my Grandfather to be here. I found pleasure in shopping (who knew those two words would ever go together) I was able to spend some quality time with my daughter's Godmother and my friend of twenty years as she prepares for her big day this Friday; a new marriage and her big move to Texas. I am so happy for her and sad for me that she will not be right here in Georgia, but now we have one more place to go visit!!! She introduced me to a strange new place to enjoy lunch Fresh2Go gets two thumbs up. She was a voice of reason with Jhys and we found the perfect Homecoming dress and shoes that did not break the bank or budget. I was able to chat with my Bff love hearing her voice and can't wait for her visit in two weeks. I cleaned the car with my favorite girl and delighted in the wonderful dinner she made for just us two!! I am sure that if I count I have 23 plus reasons to be grateful that this day came!! Mainly because God gave my Grandfather 91 amazing years and I was able to spend 34 of those year with him. He displayed unconditional love and for that life lesson alone, I will forever LOVE HIM BACK!!!

Dedicated to Ralph P. Washington Sr. Half Man, Half Amazing!!! All LOVE!!

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

Some days I look at myself and all I see is that green thing from ghost busters with all the rolls, so not cute. Frustrated this morning as I weighed in and the scale went up .8lbs, not quite an entire pound gained, but NOTHING loss and I was upset. I exercise everyday, I track what I eat and the numbers failed me. Well I failed the numbers somehow. Now I must restart; new game plan,  time to review the current strategy until I find the correct formula that will move the fat to the floor so that I can officially knock it out. Yes I know I did not get here overnight and I will not be thin in the morning just because I am thinking about it. I have given myself a year and half realistically to reach my goal and I am not kicking myself in the butt for this one weigh in, all I am really saying is that when you hit the floor you must get back up and try again or you will always be afraid and Lord knows I can't afford to be afraid of the scale going up. I have to fight like Mike to make sure it only goes down and no biting anything bad when I begin to lose. It must be fair and square that I evaluate everything that makes a jab for my mouth. Okay enough of the fight metaphors. Real deal is this is a battle Me vs. the Bulge and "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" in my Michael Buffer voice!!!! He is so fine and has the best hair!!!

It's Her Life

It is impossible to live vicariously through another person, especially your children. They will only resent you for it in the end. Today we went shopping for homecoming; by now everyone knows shopping is not a favorite past time of mine, but this is a special occasion so I grin and bare. Well my baby looked like an angel in almost all the dresses she tried and it was fun, until my neighbor who was with us asked her about being on Homecoming Court. A mute subject for us because I know my daughter and that is so not who she is, even if she is popular enough to be crowned queen. She politely answers that she told her peers to take her off the ballot. Crushed I instantly became, out of pure selfishness of wanting to relive the moment I didn't have through her.

My daughter politely explained that she did not want the crown and she felt it best to move aside for a student she knew that really wanted it. This is so my child, never concerned with the popularity contest or designer names, please don't talk to her about the latest hip hop, because she prefers alternative bands. Don't ask her to follow the crowd or to repeat the latest fad. I even told her that we need to get her toe reset and she replied...Mom don't try to make me over, I'm fine just the way I am.

And while I cringed inside as the mental picture of her walking the football field in the royal court becomes a blur in my mind. I must admit how proud I am that she is so secure in being who she wants to be. That girl doesn't buckle under peer pressure even if it comes from me. Gotta love her, she is one special pretty lady!!!

Re-reading

I was writing another blog tonight and then I read a post about re-reading the last chapter and the thought came to me that its almost like history; we need to know it but we don't have to repeat it. Telling the "what" of your story means you're still searching for "why" and we don't understand that we can't ever answer why for another person's actions or decisions because we have no control, zilch, zero, nada CONTROL over why other people do what they do.

Now here is the fun part we do have CONTROL over US!! Meaning we only have to hurt as long as we allow the events to replay in our minds or as Oprah likes to say "until we give up hope that things could have been different." We can choose not only to stop re-reading the last chapter, sometimes going to the next chapter isn't going far enough. We might want to pick up an entirely different book and change the subject all together. Don't get stuck turning the same pages, your fingers hold more power. Pick up the pen or pencil and write your own story, its more interesting than re-reading yesterday's pain.

Sasha has my head spinning

Okay Sasha and I are about to fight, before she was just annoying. I couldn't shop where I liked which didn't matter because I don't like to shop. At other times she was a bit embarrassing , but if you dressed her up right she still could pull off cute and sexy. Now not so much and she took a turn for the worse, every since I planned her goodbye party, she has been a real "B." All of a sudden she has my head spinning and after all these years she has my blood boiling topping in at some outrageous numbers. Never suffered from blood pressure issues before, but she thinks she's slick trying to stick me with a pill twice a day. She is killing my leg, pains that make me want to pull it off. She didn't want to go away gracefully, so now I have to fight. I had to recruit backup, an accountability partner and a support group. I was just trying to turn that fat chic into a swan, before she turned me into a corpse. This is my fight to bring out the healthy in me. It's not about being skinny or paper thin, it's a life fight that I'm going to win.

***If you are new to my blog Sasha is what I've named my excess weight...I've been blogging daily since Jan 4th, so you will have to backtrack to read the Sasha humor from the beginning.*** Thank you for your support!!!

PLEASE VOTE FOR US

I AM A YOUTUBE STAR!!!! No seriously, I need your support!!!! My co-worker put together this video and entered us into a contest to win admission to the Tony Robbins UPW event in Orlando, now I NEED FOR ALL OF YOU TO SHARE THE VIDEO TO HELP US WIN!!!! We are one of the five finalist and sharing last until Friday!!! So please share on Facebook, on Twitter and on your Blogs!!! Using this bit.ly link below. The VIDEO WITH THE MOST SHARES WINS AND THAT MUST BE US!!!

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Some Kind of Way

I posted today that I was feeling some kind of way and that I wanted my head buried under my pillow. It had nothing to do with a broken heart, that is mending quite nicely. I will not deny some days of sadness, but I think I have made it past the can't sleep, losing my hair and emotional eating moments. However, I am only human so forgive any relapse as we approach the first anniversary that is not. It is almost like death when you get to those significant dates and you have to make it past them. Well it is the same for me, I have to give the dates a new meaning or maybe no meaning at all. Lucky for me the love my Granddaddy gave me was so over the top that I will not allow the memory of his birthday to be tarnished by sitting in a pool of unnecessary misery.

My feelings today were more on the numb side, not really negative but more neutral while still giving myself the you can do it big girl pantie pep talk. I realize that being pessimistic sucks the life out of you, but being optimistic sometimes is just not realistic, so today I was feeling some kind of way because I didn't really want to have to talk myself out of being one so that I could be the other. If I put my head under the pillow I could just disappear and be nothing.

Peace not Pieces

Watching the OWN network today I caught the second part of the interview with Iyanla and Evelyn... powerful, truth and ah ha are all adjectives that come to mind. When you break that thing down it is the same story that many of us have repeated to ourselves all of our lives. We are not WORTHY!! My Mother and I just had this conversation due to some of my very own abandonment issues, which is why she left me the daily reminder that I wake up and fall asleep to each and every day; I am worthy. 

Jesus lived his life operating in love so no wonder we are all seeking to be loved and unfortunately we truly have brainwashed ourselves into believing it can only come from another individual. That we somehow are not capable of being enough to just love ourselves. Towards the end Iyanla made the statement, "you are worthy of your own time and energy." And to paraphrase because I did not write this quote down, that healing is important so that we are left with peace and not in pieces. Those broken pieces are what allow us to attract and accept other broken people into our lives.The fragmented parts of us latch on to any and everything ignoring the complete picture or maybe we really can't see it until it is too late or we are holding onto hope that we can pull it all together making the perfect picture. Whatever the case, we really need to pause long enough in our own stuff to recognize when someone we are letting into our space just isn't good enough. There really is no need to add someone to your life that doesn't treat you better than you do yourself, especially if you are already beating yourself up for things you can't forgive yourself for or because you can't let go. Just take some time to put your pieces back together so that you can have peace. 

Learning how to say NO is a hard task, when we are taught to share, to compromise or to try and make the other person happy. Doing what is best for you is either totally selfish or completely AWESOME!!! At this point in my life I am going for AWESOME and if that is selfish...OH WELL!!!

You Make Me Better

Well the enemy is working overtime, I finished my 5k yesterday only for my body to fall under attack. My bad leg was trying to get me to pull it off (literally), my blood pressure did a double spike all in one day rising from one appointment to the next and then a fever spikes from no where. If only this were the road less traveled for me I might panic, but since "bad luck" is as common as my middle name, I accept that the devil ain't no joke. He had to pull out the big guns to battle my faith in God. Everything he placed in my path to go wrong will actually make me better. He just made what was already in my face URGENT.

Tortoise and the Hare

I went into this 5k with a Hare's state of mind; since I've been walking for three whole weeks now. I figured I got this. I set a competition goal that I now realize was a bit unrealistic seeing that my normal pacing partner jogged the route in what I hoped to walk it in. I made one grave error; I let the group I was with pull ahead and instead of fighting to keep pace, I waved them on. Mentally I let my bad leg slow me down and a numb foot became my excuse. And granted the leg problem is valid and in need of serious medical evaluation, the bigger problem was me alone on that course. I did not push myself enough and instead of picking up the pace the first thing I did was recalculated my goal giving myself some extra time, then my mind said okay just as long as you don't finish last and that changed to just as long as you finish. Well I was no where near last and I did finish but at a tortoise pace. Defeated is how I felt, but when my accountability partner called to see how I faired, her response was you had to start somewhere and yes she ragged me for going much slower than we do everyday, she also helped me celebrate that I got back out there after a good 10 years of nothing and completed a 5k. Next years goal is of course to beat her best time running. Lol!!!

Reframe

We tell ourselves these stories falling victim to our own brainwashing; so comfortable resting in insecurities and fear or being happy as the guest of honor at our own pity party, that we use our own tongue and mind to kill ourselves. Doubt being our greatest deception; we would rather lie to self than face a hard truth. Let's take something simple like gym shoes. I personally buy gym shoes on an average of every five years or so and never spend over fifty dollars, somehow I've convinced myself that I don't deserve a pair of hundred dollar shoes even if it means a better work out, reduced injury and more support. If I reframe my thoughts I would understand that the more expensive shoe is a quality investment into my health. Learning to lead with a positive will reduce the amount of negative words and energy you allow out or in your circle. This will also enhance the quality of your life, being a downer you find yourself drowning in pessimism; depressed by your own misery. Reframe those thoughts, actions and deeds and you will find a picture worth hanging from your walls.

Curve Ball

Change can be difficult and it never fails that once you make a faith decision, the enemy boldly steps foward throwing his best curve ball. So glad that God made a bat for that. See even the best curve ball can still get hit out of the ballpark. Not every pitch can be a strike out, we must keep trying until we get that homerun. We must also remember that hitting the ball is not enough, we have to cover each base and the journey from one place to the next will not always be the same and at times may seem difficult; requiring a different level of strength and commitment. The goal is to keep going until you get it done. Get up everyday as if you have already won, try as hard as you can and never let anyone else call you out. This is your life and you came to win!!

Pep Talk

A friend used me as a sounding board today while considering turning in her resignation to pursue her passion and my advice was to follow your dreams especially since she has the support to make it happen. Her husband has her back 100%!! That is a bonus, stepping out on faith with someone that believes in you!! I stepped out on faith almost twelve years ago when I made this move and somehow talked myself out of taking my own advice, but this is not about stuffing myself deeper into the pigeon hole, it is a cry for all of you to grab hold of your dreams and chase them until you are out of breath. Don't ever give up. Never let anyone else tell you it's too late, or you are too old or you will never make money at that. My question to my friend today was..."will any amount compensate for postponing your dreams?" Nope and ultimately will deplete you in so many other areas that you will end up mentally poor; which is worse than selling out for a small financial gain. Work your dreams because no one else will, believe in you like no one else will and your fans will follow and even if they don't you will always grow because you are doing what you love.

Advocate

My daughter is very clear about skipping the drama in ALL situations and she is at the age that she feels like it is not cool for Mama to fight her battles; but I don't look at it as a fight rather a responsibility to advocate for what is right. This is not me trying to win all of her life battles, but someone in a position of authority misused that power to try and bully my child. The Mother in me would like to go raise hell, but the proper way to handle this is to clear all necessary channels to let people know doormat is not our last name. I am torn on a few levels here, one because my daughter would like to handle the situation her way, which is let it take care of itself, they will get what's due when karma comes back on them. Which I am not in the eye for an eye business, but I am for stopping a bully no matter what the title. We took the weekend break to think about nothing, but tomorrow we face the real world again. Am I wrong for bringing poor decisions and bad behavior to light or is it time for me to let my child pick and choose her own battles? I think not, but what do you think?

Buried In the Sand

For years I was MIA when it came to photo's unless they were from the first neck roll up, head shots only, but today sitting on the beach watching my daughter play in the ocean I stopped living buried in the sand. I noticed that I let fear, insecurities and plan disgust with who I was to stop me from being fully who she needed. This weekend was one more step toward coming back to life for me. It was about doing something for me, enjoying family and just giving my daughter the freedom to be a child. She has nursed me as if the roles were reversed for so long now that when she asked me to trust her I followed her out to the middle of the ocean and jumped the waves. We played like two kids and for once she didn't have to be the adult. The last time we had that much fun was a surprise trip to Universal when she was 11. I told her we were going to Florida for Bob Evans. Now I'm realizing that life is best lived when its not all about thinking about the plan, following the plan or planning the backup plan just in case the plan failed. Today I stop living buried in the sand and just jumped in the ocean.

No Deep Thought!

Finally I found a peaceful head space, full of unselfish thoughts of me. No guilt associated with sticking to my master plan. If I decide on a treat for myself for this day, I enjoy it. No more buyers remorse, no more letting others talk me out of what will make my heart content or my smile blossom. I didn't even take baby steps when it finally hit me on how I can take care of me. Learning to live no longer a stress, no overthinking any of it...Thx Tiff one of my biggest fans, I am following your advice and not giving much thought to anything beyond just having fun!!! Which is why I am keeping this blog short all weekend long. I have other things to do!!! Peace and Love Your Girl is Stepping Out to have FUN!!!

HARD WORK

Many of us have spent the past few weeks listening to both political sides. I was more tuned into who I wanted to hear mainly because my vote was decided four years ago. I knew then that our President was not going to have enough time to fix the mess we are in; so I signed up for eight positive that he would get my vote this go round just as he did when I cast my last one, but let's skip the politicking. I believe for once we have someone who tells the truth, no matter how hard that may be. I had to tell a co-worker that I would not engage in Obama bashing. You just don't talk bad about your friends and I feel as if he is my friend. The one that tells it like it is, gives you the hug and then extends a hand to pull you back up before turning you around to face yet another day.

He WORKS!! If that makes sense, it does to me. I come from a family of hard workers, Union, Auto and Coal workers. No matter what goes on in my life no one can ever call me lazy, I Work!!! I remember turning 18 and rushing proudly to the polls to let my voice be heard. At the time I was voting for my other favorite Bill Clinton and I still take just as much pride in wearing my I Voted sticker no matter how large or small the ballot or issues. I learned at an early age that your complaints fall on deaf ears if you failed to speak up. I'm full with so much passion, excited about where four more years will take us. Forgive me if this time I babble. I just love who we elected to stand because he is the reflection we see and I'm not talking color. I'm talking character!!

99 Bottles

I might have to warn that the contents may contain explicit language. Jay said 99 problems but a "B" ain't one, well I'll be damn. The "B" came in the form of a bully and a coward today, both I despise and both I've been. The "B" came in the form of another dose of bad luck and seriously by now I've had enough to make the average person go jump in the lake. Combine the bullISH with mother nature beating down my back with her cousins headache and cramps tagging along. It has truly been a two middle fingers day. I'll be damn what else can go wrong. Nevermind don't answer that. This is enough to drive a sane person crazy and I'm far from a full deck, so trust when I say I'm close to exploding. I know 99 bottles can't resolve my issues, but ONE is just not enough. I'll drink to that!!

On the Couch

What a hard session today. The topic: Do I know how to take care of Me and what does life look like if I don't Need to feel Needed? This is my I don't have a clue face. -_- My assignment is to figure out what I can do for me. I thought I was doing for me, this blog, my monthly goals, exercising, therapy and now reading The Purpose Driven Life if I do anymore in addition to being a Mother, work and school, writing the newsletter for my daughter's school and trying to finish a book then they will need to add another 12 hours to the 24 hours that are already too short. I don't have one clue how to answer this question just yet, I guess that is why it is homework...any suggestions?

Stretching Myself

Early morning exercise in the company of my Mother helped me to stretch myself. I have been walking twice a day for almost two weeks, but nothing compares to today. We started off with a two mile walk in mind that turned into 4.2 miles that including some jogging. You have to KNOW ME to KNOW that I don't RUN!!! Well don't say what you will never do, I guess I have to call my sister and eat those words, but somewhere in the walk, my body wanted to pick up the pace. I don't know what switched on in my brain, but it was telling me that I had MORE in me and while we took baby steps today, it was LEAPS and BOUNDS because I now have to continue to stretch myself to do no less than what I accomplished today, with the goal of ALWAYS DOING MORE!!!

Function

Somedays feel like day one all over again. Full of blues, cry me a river drowning in my own tears and fears. Seven months later still so much unresolved pain. Puzzled over why love went wrong, when I did all that was right. Selfish and greedy by self admission a beautiful woman you say I am, the perfect wife, but I'm not ready to be a man. You'd think that would have been decided way before I do. I had to learn the hard way that you don't and now I'm left to learn how to function all over again.

Getting Out of My Way

I wrote this a long time ago, it should be in poem stanza so excuse lack of punctuation.

Today I thought about Dying just as I did yesterday and the day before yesterday I thought about the hell I barely survive one second to the next apologizing to Our Father Who Art in Heaven since I can’t perish and repent all in the same last breath. Today I thought about death this far off peaceful place with days full of rest. Today I wondered what people would miss my smile or style for sure not my emergency fires poor choices, incompetent decisions or merry-go-round failures at this thing called Life would they miss the titles I hold Wife, Daughter, Sister or Friend did I even do well in any of those roles not well enough because even dying has to be less exhausting than living up to their great expectations Today my thoughts of death were so strong that I penned you one last love song I apologize because you must think me selfish indeed I took care to provide clarity for what I only imagine will be a haze of mental stammers all ending in WHY Must you know why if you already know What Today What quickly sums up to my inability to handle living this life anymore no worries I took my troubles with me as to not forever burden your door more importantly not to tarnish my soul, see she views me as perfect and I don’t want to lose that unconditional love.