Man Down

When the pile disperse and all but one rise, your heart stops when you realize that a man's down. You scan the jerseys checking if its your baby's number and then your heart bleeds when you realize its your color. Both teams on one knee the parents praying silently with their hands clinched. What was a roar just a moment ago is now completely silent. I'm not sure if we even remember to breathe. Applause erupt once he's up and we clap until he reaches the sideline. Tonight unfortunately the ambulance called as our man traveled by stretcher out. Tonight it wasn't just the two that the paramedics took, but also our senior boys that possibly played their last game. A sad end to a beautiful season, we played with heart. God Bless Americas sport for it keeps a community united.

Comfy Me!!

Out in these streets trying to increase my social skills, so I needed to post right quick before the fun begins.. Different at this phase in my life because I'm comfortable in my Nikes. I don't have to make ever event a fashion show. Tonight I'm just chlling watching the game and the sports bar crowd is bananas!! Forced to park a few blocks over, my feet are thanking me as we walk. So comfortable with who I am that I know longer desire to be uncomfortable and with confidence I say enjoy me as I am!!

Outgrown Loyalty

When you've outgrown loyalty and it's time to turn your back it can cause a few sleepless nights. Hours awake force you to spend the time needed to collect your thoughts and mentally walk away. Goodbye isn't that hard when it's out of necessity; just another casualty of the thin line between love and war. Don't box yourself into believing this is exclusive to a woman outgrowing a man. We all have overstayed our welcome on jobs, in friendships, at churches and yes even with family. When a larger call has been placed on your life or just the drama of remaining associated with someone or thing renders you stagnate then you know that you've outgrown the relationship. There is no loyalty in dumbing yourself down just to remain a part of the crowd.

Imaginary Friend

I didn't have an imaginary friend as a child, my imagination was my friend. The characters I gave life with my pencil and tablet or the comfort I found in getting lost in my book a day addiction. I was hopelessly lost in those fairytales; believing in happily ever after. Well life might not play out like the ink on those pages, but we are all capable if we just place our trust in the one above. God didn't promise us days without troubles, but he did ask us to cast our worries on him. We can only imagine what heaven is like, but we trust and believe that our riches are above. That our days will be filled with peace and our troubles no more. If I had to talk to an imaginary friend, one you cannot see but believe in with all your might; I'm happy to say that he is my Lord and I could care less if you think I'm crazy, but yes he talks back to me!!

Big Butt and Smile

I have a pretty smile and nice brown eyes, a cute cheek mole and one dimple but those attributes somehow get over looked because of my large behind. Being treated as a piece of meat has always made me frown. HOT is a better word, ready to fight is more like it. I've never enjoyed being smacked on my ass and I can't respect the dog call from behind. That gets NO RESPONSE. I know the world can't help but look at the outside first. We are visual creatures and something has to stimulate the eyes just so that we will speak, but please Lord the next guy you send my way give him xray vision to my mind, so he can stop thinking about my behind or he will never be able to trust a big butt and a smile since he'll never make it past the dog category in my eyes.

Right Now

I'll never forget this long conversation with Chy and she told me, "nothing changes until you do!" A common sense quote, but one of the hardest actions to complete. Losing weight and getting healthy are not easy task and with ever fail I must admit I become more discouraged. Trying to achieve the right mood balance is hard when you have to pep talk yourself daily into just being okay. Disappointing is still waking up with the "but what ifs" on your mind. And for me if I break down and cry one more time I might fight myself. I try to figure out from second to second how to be keep change in motion. How to be my own SHEro. I can't throw out a lifeline every time I'm feeling blue and I remind myself you've made it this far, the end is always close to the quitting line, so keep going. My Mom suggested I reread my own blog to see how far I've come. I'm an analyzer so I just want it all to be different NOW. My weight, my emotions, my finances, my books, MY LIFE craves completion from my new direction. I need to make a list and focus on just one or two things or I will forever be lost looking at the big picture. If I put piece by piece in the puzzle one day I will look back and it will done.

Walking Dead

Sleepless facing all the years; black and white flashbacks play like a silent movie. The character in the story watching the killer come. Frozen, no running or screaming; just waiting for death, the only consequence when living comes to a halt. Not a true mortal end, but worse since your still walking this earth.

Trapped inside your mind are the screams for release, let me go you self enemy! Scratching, clawing up all night trying to devise your great escape. There is no greater torture than residing inside a motionless shell. Stuck in your fear, pain and past. How do you give rebirth, before life passes you by? Funny how the past tries to paralyze you when it's time to start something new..

Turning Corners

I had an ah-ha moment just now. I've been driving in the same direction for so long that I didn't realize how attached I'd become to the rear view mirror. The road isn't getting any shorter because I keep looking back, maybe silently praying for you to catch up but just as clear as the road ahead looks no different than the road behind, I now know you will never change. It's always been up to me. I have to turn the corner to change the view.

Tina Turner couldn't have said it better when she sang this question, "What's LOVE got to do with it?" See Love does not hurt. Love is the one action that makes it all better and while you may be busy doing your part; loving someone to your death, love doesn't change people. People change people or let me more specific you have to change you, just as I've been changing me over this year. I just forgot to get on a new road. I've changed the music from sad love songs, to club banging hip hop and I've changed the car a couple times, I've changed the tires and tried new snacks at different gas stations but forgot to GPS a new direction. For me it took a friend asking, how was your holiday and me responding that I spent almost five hours talking to my Mommy in the wee hours of the morning over what started as me not wanting this part time job and having the Black Friday Blues; to being able to be so CLEAR that I told it ALL and finally releasing the burden of what I've been holding in and on to gave me the freedom to turn the corner. I can't look back, I have a new view!!!

"Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." EL

Black Friday

So I took a part time job in retail with a midnight shift to go out and entertain the madness. Not certain I will survive this twelve hour shift when I don't even like the mall. Let alone mobs of people showing their ugly side all over a purse or boots. I understand savings, I just don't get crazy. The camping out for days on end or standing in outrageous lines. All I can say is play it safe for all you shoppers and this might be the first time I quit without giving a notice. Wish me luck.

Her Home

I never considered the sacrifices necessary with moving so far away. I didn't realize that one day my daughter would have her own life and running back home for every occasion would force her to miss those special moments with the framily (friends that are family) that she loves here or important events during the year. I started this year understanding that I wouldn't be going home, it's her senior year and I realize it's special, but that was before I started the divorce from hell; the long goodbye the first Thanksgiving with the empty seat and now I selfishly wish family was near. I have to be happy with our small circle, 700 miles away was my choice and now she's almost grown and this is her home.

Missing Family

There's no place like home when you're facing the holidays alone. Especially after a year of exhausting body blows. When you're mind has nearly unraveled and your heart shattered; this becomes the time of the year when you need family the most. The first time a special day will pass with that empty space that is now void of who you use to love. Time to make a new tradition, since my daughter has her own life and she'll be in and out. I'll spend my time nestled on the couch between a few good movies and a new book or just napping since job number two has me on the graveyard shift of Black Friday. That's certain to make me blue, since I hold no affection for the mall. All I know is I wish Detroit wasn't so far away, going home would be worth quitting that job!!!

Missing Love

The pick of the litter, you pity. Knowing you can have plenty still leaves you less than full. Spread thin and left sharing little. Not even quality time can you devote for the prerequisite is that you not hide. That is the greatest obstacle unshielding the mask, it forces you to greet yourself and truly you have no clue. Buried under deceit and lies, you forgot how to recognize who you really are. Sad as you shift from one to the next, trying to satisfy an appetite with no taste. Your eyes stay out of focus because none are who you wish to see. Trying to touch what you cannot feel all because you're missing Love.

The Fixer

Someone has to be brave enough to do the hurting and someone strong enough to survive the pain was a post I made today on facebook. It originated from a conversation with my Mother that carried over with my best friend about all things that must come to an end. There is the person that identifies that for whatever reason they cannot continue on in the relationship and must be brave enough to walk away, leaving the person that was the fixer recovering from the pain. While I have been the The Hurter in a few cases, I find that my role is normally that of The Fixer. I unfortunately measure things in time and I place so much value on the number of years invested without viewing the quality of growth over those years. I guess I have this starting over complex, mainly because I don't like the dating game. I don't like meeting the representative of a new person then waiting for them to remove the mask to show me who they truly are. I have also had so many negative or bad experiences in relationships that a part of me began to believe that this was my normal and that I might as well get comfortable with where I am instead of going out to learn someone else's crap which might be worse. I had decreased my own self worth by convincing myself it was better to settle than to begin again or be by myself. Now that was a huge admission and statement. I just owned that I don't like to be ALONE. 

Well I have also learned that you can be in a room full of people and still be alone and you can live in a lifeless relationship, marriage or friendship and still be lonely as hell. If the people around you do not add value and I don't mean material things, I mean substance to your life then they are probably sucking the life out of you with their own selfish needs. I personally have abandonment issues, so I hold on tight for better or worse, well I use to. :-) Now I hold on to ME and only lean on others that truly love me, want the best for me and will encourage me to stand on my on for support when I fall apart. While my circle is small, I only have a few people that will let me scream and cry for my 2.5 seconds before they say okay now suck it up and while those words irritate the mess out of me, they are what build my muscles and each time I have to suck it up, I get stronger and the break down gets shorter. See I stopped focusing on fixing a broken relationship and I started fixing what was broken in me; that would allow me to hold onto a fragmented version of love. I had to put me together piece by piece and the puzzle is almost complete!!!!

Finish Line

I'm so close to the end of my year challenge but I must admit that some days I'm tired of blogging. I see the finish line so I keep going, but some days I would rather remain silent; it is still my safe place.

Well I purged again today, letting go of the final material thing that bonded me to the past. Now I just need the ink to dry and I will be free to cross the finish line.

No More Nice Girl

The heart I left open is becoming hard, overburdened by too many scars. I've walked a thin line between love and hate, now I'm off balance falling to the dark side. In life you meet people that only exist to test your morals. Well I'm too freaking tired now of being the nice girl.

Happy Moments

Happy moments, I take them when I can. They use to seem so far and in between but they are better today than yesterday, but not always promised tomorrow. It used to be second by second, now its a whole part of the day. Soon it will be week by week. Today's happy moment was my daughter walking out of her interview, hired on the spot!! She has a brand new cool job all because she ROCKS!!!

Doctor's Orders

The doctor said, "go home and rest for the next few days." Immediately my mind begins to calculate how much following that order will cost. I cringe knowing my pockets are paper thin and sick is a bad financial move. I think back on those times my parents pushed through feeling their worst. I wonder if back then they were doing the math on what sick meant to a family of five. At least they had each other, as a single mother I am who I lean on. Now I have to decide health over well being, when I need them both to keep going. As my daughter says, "the struggles real" so I can't afford to follow doctors orders. Sick's not in my budget.

Happy Birthday T'jai

For my T'jai...I remember the moment your big head burst on the scene your Mom was so brave trying not to scream. You had this head full of curly hair with bright brown eyes and those perfect lashes that girls would pay good money to have!!! Watching you, my first nephew come into this world made my life and heart full. Holidays and short visits here and there don't seem to be enough when the years are passing way too fast. Wishing I lived close to enjoy your basketball games or to deliver that gerbil in person since they will not allow me to send it through the mail. (I will get it to you somehow, I PROMISE!) I love the way you say AuntNei like only you can; a mix of I love you but hurry up and get off the phone. You have so much common sense for such a little man!! You make me laugh with your matter of fact attitude. Your text messages are the best, bringing me great joy, just to know you are thinking of me or that you are just bored. Lol!!! I love that you are such an intelligent young child, you've held my heart in your hand from the moment you arrived and I can't believe 12 years have come so fast. Oh and I know you like T. J. now, but you will forever be my T'jai!!! EARL!!!!!! 

H.A.P.P.Y. B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y. 

Freedom is Not Free

I've never served in a branch of the military, not from lack of effort. I joined ROTC with the intent of joining the navy. They denied me due to a medical condition. And while I will never pretend to understand what it means to walk even one day in the shoes of our service men and women. I do understand what its like to send your family into a war that you do not understand or agree with. The anxiety that you dare not show because they volunteered to be brave. They signed up to stand watch while we sleep fearlessly. We shed tears, while they shed blood. We live in the free world but it comes at a price, the life of someone's son or daughter, mother or father, sister, brother, cousin, nephew or friend. Someone's husband or wife paid with their life for our liberty.

Incomplete Due to Excuses

Firmly believing that people make time for whats important to them and excuses for everything else. I committed to blogging daily for one year when I started this because it was important to me and as it touched the lives of some it became a priority and not an option, even on days I have nothing to say. So I ask myself why am I a procrastinator in other areas that are equally or more important. My weight, while I've finally embraced the fact that thick women are beautiful. I know that I'm not healthy and this weight could kill me. I realize that I could walk out of my home and get hit by a bus; yes I know we all have to die, but it doesn't have to be from something we could have controlled. I have 100% control over what goes in my mouth and the amount of time I devote to exercise, so I ask myself is it that I don't want it bad enough? What am I putting in front of exercise; Excuses!

My point is one day putting these things off for tomorrow will not come. I will not get a redo and it will be too late to say later. If you know that you need to mend a broken relationship, do it. If your medicine cabinet resembles a pharmacy because of weight related medical issues then your fat is not sexy but deadly. If your finances are a mess and you owe the world then God can't trust you with more and your family and friends are not going to give you more. I was in a place with my parents that they had to help me so much that I stopped receiving Christmas, Birthday and Mothers day gifts and now instead of running to them with my reasons (excuses) for help, I either figure it out or I wait and go without. I grew up in that area because it was important to me to have an adult adult relationship and not an adult child relationship with them. It's time out for excuses let's do the important stuff now, it can't wait for later. I don't want my headstone to read, Incomplete Due to Excuses.

It is what it is...

I'm free falling and I've accepted that I have no control. It's like the domino effect, once one falls it triggers a response that topples the entire set, I'm falling and there is no emergency brake. I can't stop it, so all I can do is brace myself for impact. And once I've hit rock bottom I will evaluate the damage, repair and restore and begin my journey up again. I'm a big girl, I've fallen before and I have enough cushion to soften the blow. The difference this time is the lack of mental panic. I understand when the balance of things are upset that its a growth moment so I graciously accept that I am where I am; because it is what it is. And there's nothing I can do about it for now.

Someone has to go home

We went undefeated until tonight and I watched the kids shed tears as their hearts were crushed by the other teams defensive line. They were bigger, they were stronger, they were present and we came in the mental underdog. We moved up divisions this year and we played like we deserved it without many close calls; we balled!! But... we believed the hype this week and before we even saw our opponent the buzz was we wouldn't be able to hold them and we didn't. They ran all over us because we failed to out think our fear.

That mind game knocked us off our feet. Just like life, half of what you fail to accomplish is because you didn't believe that you could from the beginning. Words are life; they are our power or our weakness. What we say is what we create and what we display. Yes true enough that team was a powerhouse but instead of everyone talking about how good they were, we should have talked about our greatness. They didn't have anymore checks in the W column before the game than us, but at the end of the day someone had to go home with an L.

A Bigger Story

I love my blog it's my electronic diary that I openly share with the world and I have zero regrets since my transparency has definitely reached more than one, but I'm hungry now. My dream has always been clear. A published Author is who I will be. It's urgent now my story is bigger than my blog, my thoughts deeper and my words heavier. I have something to say and it will not stop at just one book. I review manuscript from my past and see my future. While some of my tragedies parallel many stories of others as we all connect through pain. My vision is not to let that be the tone. Healing is my ultimate goal. I've got something to say that will not fit in just one book. I have a bigger story to tell. I might need a movie screen for this!! I'm just saying!!

Both Ends of the Stick

Well it is the day after the election and I would like to begin this blog by thanking God there are far more good people on this earth than evil and the voice of the good put President Barack Obama back in office for four more years!!! Thank you Voters!!! Job well done!!

There is a saying sleep when you are dead; this phrase is commonly used by people that are always on the grind. To stop and sleep will interrupt their work flow especially if they are on the path to greatness or major success. See money does not discriminate, any of us could make it and plenty of it if we decided that we would not stop working for it. Unfortunately some people get so caught up in the money that they stop making it and instead let it make them. Other's burn the candle stick from both ends for so long that they get caught off guard when all goes dark. They don't realize what they have sacrificed until they have lost their family or friends, until the children resent them for never making it to the school play or missing too many birthday parties. They look up one day and the person in the mirror is a complete stranger because they never took a break long enough to enjoy the fruits of their labor. While I truly believe that we all could lead above average lives if that were our desire. I also believe that being rich does not have to come at the price of losing it all. Those stakes seem far too high in comparison, so while you are out on your grind don't forget those that support your hustle. Make time to enjoy the glow before the candle burns out.

PINS and NEEDLES

It's election night and many of us are streaming live on the internet and checking the social blogs for updates or maybe you are sitting near the television listening closely as the electoral votes go up. We've done all that we can do; our votes are cast and soon our voices will be heard as we learn who will be the 45th President of the free world. I have faith that my candidate will prevail, but if he doesn't we as the 47% know how to survive under unjust distress. As I scroll through my facebook account I see many people on pins and needles with each new red and blue mark on the map. As the polls close across the time zones we are watching not only what the folks out west have to say, but still biting our nails as we wonder what a few swing states like Ohio and Florida might do.

Well while we wait... I would like to say thank you to all of you that got out and exercised your right to vote. I must say that I am so proud of the youth, many of my daughter's friends and little cousins had their first chance to vote this election and I remember my first time at the poll when I helped elect Former President Bill Clinton into office. I submitted my ballot with such pride that day and I must admit that I get that same excited feeling every time I enter the poll booth because I know that it is the one time that I stand equal and that my color or gender don't matter. I count, just because I took the time to VOTE!! 

Speak Up Vote

Tomorrow's decision day!! Many of us have already cast our vote and yes my candidate is President Barack Obama!!! However, that is my choice and I exercised my right to use my vote to help return my candidate back to office. Many of us are just waiting for the day after the election. The tv ads will be over, no more rolling motorcade to halt the evening traffic. Soon the tension filled days at work will subside as the Loser's supporters accept defeat. It's an important political contest and someone came to win.

However, who wins is completely up to us and only matters if we cast our vote! I encourage you all not to lose your voice. Speak Up Go Vote!!!

Fall Back

It's that time of year again, we've falling back in time. I wonder if this is still relevant to the transportation world? None the less we added that hour and now the porch lights come on earlier. The extra blankets are pulled out and the thermostat adjusted to greet you with loving warmth after braving the cold.

For me it meant cleaning out my closets, looking for items someone else might need. It's chili season so the crockpot is in heavy rotation and all those cute socks I pray the dryer doesn't eat. There is nothing like a bad pair of boots to trample over the many fallen leaves. The hues of fall so splendid that you disregard the mess they leave. What will we ever do with an extra hour when the day still equals 24? I think I'll have a cup of hot chocolate while I ponder that.

My Pleasure

The correct response to thank you is my pleasure; not you're welcome. You're welcome implies you did it for them. My pleasure states that you saw a need that you gladly filled just because. If it is for your pleasure you don't feel slighted if thank you never comes. Your heart is content with doing a job well done and your ego does not need a pat on the back.  The absence of public recognition leaves no void and your mission of operating with an open heart continues on. The angry me use to be like and that blank didn't even say thank you, but I am learning that even those two words sometimes can never express a person's gratitude or lack there of. Some people just feel entitled; while others ashamed so instead of having an expectation in which most people will disappoint. Let your generosity demonstrate that you are living up to YOUR highest expectation. At the end of the day it is about being a better YOU!

Talk too Much

When you've decided to grow but those around you still operate with a closed-mind the frustration can lead to overtalking the issues in hopes that something you say will trigger them to see. How easy I strayed off track today as an unwanted situation was coming to an end. My only response should have been great can I help you with that bag, but instead I attempted to discuss selfish and rude actions with a person that has tunnel vision. What I learned about me is if people have watched you forgive someone over and over and they too are a user they begin to manipulate the circumstances knowing that you will forgive them to. This may seem cruel, but I'm done making new friends, my circle is good and it is way to exhausting to deal with someone else's moods. I don't have the energy or time to babysit someone else's feelings. I have my own issues to contend with. If I don't already call you friend, associate is as far as we can go. All that extra talking is just too much.

Emotional Reaction

Okay so life sucker punched you and that crap hurt. You're on the ground with blurry vision unable to focus on how to pull yourself up. Instead of scrambling, take a few deep breaths and calculate a plan. Don't respond from emotions; life already knows that you are mad, so its happy to continue chewing you up. Instead drop low in a hole, protect yourself; tend to your wounds and gather your strength before making your next move. When you decide your counterattack come out swinging with intentions to destroy anyone or thing that generates a negative emotional response from you. Anything capable of knocking you off your feet has too much control and power and now it's time to fight for your life.