Purging

The saying goes out with the old in with the new. It is evident as I purge that I left no room for new to enter my life because I was comfortable stuck behind the clutter. A major accomplishment during this visit from the folks actually began back in January before they even considered coming this way; when I placed my life on display. That one brave act of transparency put me in the position mentally to face my hoarder tendencies allowing me to let this stuff go. I recognize when you've struggled for so long, you tend to hold on to what little you have just in case your luck never changes. And many that know me can easily say if it wasn't for bad luck; I'd have no luck at all. So I keep too much of my past, filing it all under special memories. Knowing good and well some of those memories were even to bad for file thirteen. That is why I'm so proud of me and what the purging has done for my journey over these short two weeks. I've cleared out space on the road to clutter free. This is huge for me, the girl that holds on way too long even when its hurting me.

Missing Moments

I can count just one time that I missed something major in my daughter's life. I don't think I have forgiven myself yet, but she doesn't remember so at least it's not held against me. Tomorrow is no different something major happens as we begin the first phase of senior pictures. It marks the start of one of the most exciting times of her life and one of my most feared. Each day we will move closer to the day she will walk out the door. Where did the time go and why did it move so fast. I can't hold on forever, but I am not ready to let go. I will hold dear these final mommy- daughter moments, because one day I will have to accept that the shift will come and we will begin our adult to adult relationship. I just pray she never gets to grown to come sit in my lap and trust me with whatever is going on in her life. I pray that I am the person she thinks of first for a midnight call and that she always remembers she can count on me to make her smile. That she knows I will never miss the moments that are most important and I will be there for all the ones in between just because that is a mother's love.

Front Street

Being honest has never been a problem for me, but being open has always been difficult. I started this year with the goal of change and slowly but surely I'm accomplishing just that. Some days it's easy because I need to talk other days not so much as I continue to adjust to my life on front street. I've nursed a headache all day only to intensify as my existence went down in black and white. When the output is more than the input but its all relevant, you can't help but stress just trying to make it everyday. Nothing extravagant, but emotionally depleting when you've reached this age and struggle to balance your own two feet. When you've never had nothing and your mind tries to align with your hearts desire to swallow hard as you accept yet another no. Gods will this journey is turning around and with some sad decisions I trust one day I'll live happily.

No Topic

I have no topic, its been such a lazy day. Early morning errands followed by midday brunch. Grateful for on demand spent a few hours at Southfork while Dad and I caught up on the latest Dallas episodes. Early evening photo gig for my hot photographer and back home for a nap. Late night dinner after the kid finished her shoot. Still enjoying the folks as we enter week two. Who knew I wouldn't be ready to put them on a plane!! They can stay it helps me sleep better!!!

Roses or Respect

He loves me, he loves me NOT...what's love got to do with it if there is no respect. I politely say thank you for the flowers, but why pretend to play nice. I can label all twelve with a different pain, torns in my side. Not certain if I should use a vase or garbage? If I let them bloom will your poison invade the room. I'm not sure what you planned to accomplish, those days of manipulation ran out the door. Cute card glad someone else wrote it and thanks for the wine I promise to enjoy with my new boo thang. Lol...That was a joke, but in all seriousness love don't live where respect don't show.

No more setbacks

Life happens everyday and we don't all prepare the same way. However it's past time that I listened to some wise advice. Save for that unexpected emergency, be able to purchase a last minute flight or to take yourself on vacation without the trip. To have a relationship fall apart without hitting the sticks or to make a sudden move if a parent fell sick. To fix your daughter's car if tomorrow it won't start. Gone are the days of living one month behind, being broke ain't no joke since it doesn't make you laugh. Prepare for financial freedom, eliminating the stress of at least that setback. "See it isn't how much you make, its what you do with what you make." - Jan-ism

Ponytails and Bike Rides

Dear Best Friend,

 If I could place your heart in my hand and hold it until it was void of this pain; I would carry it around as if it were an infant child. If a million words or letters would make you feel better I'd write you everyday, twice. As honest as I am, I wish I could say this reality were a lie and tomorrow would be like the day before this one. If I could click my heels declaring that there is no place like home; I would be by your side so that you never traveled this road alone. I'm forced to send my love through the mail at a time when I want nothing more than to hold your hand. I can never string together enough words to mask your pain. All I can do is pray for you and your family at this time of loss.

 A Father is a girl's first love, so I am asking you to cling to faith, while you lean on all who love you for strength and God for peace and understanding. Please don't burden your mind with why, heaven could not have angels if our loved ones did not say goodbye. If the moments become unbearable and your mind is screaming for an escape, return to our long summer days of ponytails and bike rides and let all of your thoughts catch the breeze for one day I promise the movement of the wind will make you smile because it is then you will know your Dad will forever be near.

LaKe Mel, I love you,

Nei

Closed Mind

It is my hope that my conversation has evolved and that I don't take anymore than my craft too seriously and even I can laugh at my bad days with that. It hurts my head when people only see white or black missing all of the hues of grey. I find it difficult to listen to just one point of view or to accept that your truth must be the worlds absolute. But even still I relish your views they add to my growing database that will collectively aid in what I allow past my filter. I at least respect the art of conversation to listen with more than a closed mind, that's equivalent to just saying shut up. Living my life in reverse I appreciate your voice, I need to hear what you think in order to avoid being like you.

Dead Inside

I took that final step today and picked up my own hammer pounding the final nail in the coffin. I LET IT GO...no longer serving as a septic tank allowing all of the toxic energy to be poured into me. I clearly understand that the goal was to come steal, kill and destroy. I spent too much time on the ground that you became accustom to walking all over me. Surprised us both when your feet you could wipe no more; the doormat gone. If what's important to you hurts me; apart of my life you can no longer be. Deciding that my peace and joy held a higher value than the number of years. Friends we cannot be, for me I had to let it die inside.  


People don't have to die in the physical, to be dead to you. No hard feelings, just no feelings at all.  

Highs, Lows and Hopes

The hope is to turn all of your lows into highs, but the beauty is sitting around the dinner table expressing your thoughts over a wonderfully prepared meal. Verbal communication void of an electronic device, what a joy to know our mouths still work! Five of us warming the seats at a table for eight that we never put to use since it is just the two of us. Grateful that the lows are something to laugh about and the hopes will only make us better, with highs saying we appreciate each other. I can't make this time last forever, but I promise to place all of these memories in a bottle to cherish forever and ever. Thank God for family, I love my Daughter, Mommy and Daddy!!

God Sent An Angel

A night spent close to hell and in complete darkness as the pain drags you under. Please don't look; for what you find may be more than your mind can absorb let alone handle. Propelling you through the hardest stage of  grief; stuck in a space between anger and darkness, so close to sin that you accept that God will not forgive and you are almost alright with that until you stop to rethink who will you hurt the most.

And then God takes mercy on you and in walks an angel...Thank you Lord for only you knew how dark this one night became and while the time is limited; you got a pass and you send up praises because God's angels just spared them and saved you.

Disturbia

Feeling very Rhiana today so borrowing the songs title to express the state of my mind; unsettled between disturbed and disbelief. Why must hell play out on earth? Were those people destin to die just because they decided to catch the late night movie. God has our life written, does that include others trying to do his job? Disturbed, shaken and chilled to the bone are only a few adjectives to describe my confusion. I ponder on why some are so cruel, why not just take your own life instead of ruining a community. I'm certain your goal was not forever in prison, they would have given you twelve minutes of fame had you ended only your demonic thoughts on the theater floor, sparing all of those bystander's souls. Who would have imagined over the years that the innocent would fall victim to a war within. No where is safe, not daycare or high school, college nor work and now just being a batman fan cost them their life or did they die because no one wanted to address the signs? When we look the other way, the wrong people pay and we are left to pray.

 " It's a thief in the night 

 To come and grab you

 It can creep up inside you

 And consume you

 A disease of the mind 

 It can control you 

I feel like a monster" - Rhiana

Parenthood

Parenting is a twenty-four seven, three sixty five deal. You sign up for life. There are no breaks, vacation or sick days. Not even a moments rest; you sleep with one eye open when they are infants and both open when they are teens. When they spend the night away you are preparing for their return knowing it will probably include a friend. When the grandparents need their fix, you end up at home twirling your thumbs like a love struck addict wishing the child you were so excited to send away was home. I wish I could say it stops when they are grown, but somehow I doubt it because then you are wondering if you taught them enough to survive alone with hopes that they don't forget about you and stick you in a nursing home.

Try and Catch Me

The past forty years of my life have been spent in slavery. A slave to fear, to abuse and to being so comfortable with doing or feeling bad that the small preview of what better feels like I managed to self sabotage. I've watched some very important people in my life battle some very heavy and dangerous demons. I knew them then in the height of there pain with no hope for a safe release and I admire them know on the other side of there vice, living free. If they had not believed that all they needed was that first day of strength. If for some reason they had given up because they were too old or had done it this way for so long. If they did not believe in change, then they might not have taken the chance to live the rest of their life right for them. I'm learning that its easier for people to talk about where you've been without knowing where you're going. In all actuality its because they have no reason to believe in your change. Now I understand why power and hope begin within, if you are waiting to convince the cheerleading squad that you can score that touchdown, you never leave the sideline. You must get on the field and show them what you're working with. With the wind beneath your feet nothing can stop you from moving forward and the past can't catch you.

Teachable Moments

My thoughts are running deep tonight, but I have not had enough time to process all of the days events to replay them through word. I took to my notebook because I'm half way shook and I needed to feel the pencil against the paper. I apologize in advance for the incomplete thoughts as I cannot finish this tonight . What I will say is listen to the ones you love. Don't be so hard when they make mistakes. Discipline with love and learn from all of the teachable moments.

Earthly days

I still have visions of the 2.5 and picket fence, it just might come in the form of a high rise with built-in salt water tanks instead. God created Eve from Adam so that man would not be alone, so I'm positive that he wanted us to share our life with a love. Many say make God your man and I trust that he can hold my hand and see me through plenty lonely night's, but at the end of the day if God hears my prayers he understands that I would like to share my earthly days with someone I can trust my heart.

Dream Pusher

Let me start with a disclaimer as my next statement is in no way a negative, just a different view. For many of us raised in working class families the goal for us as their children was of course to do better, but doing better meant getting a job. We were taught to do well, go to school and hopefully you will accomplish things we did not. I will not discuss my shortcomings with that last statement, honestly because I've finally made peace with my "failures" or the perception of them just because I realize my focus has been all wrong. With that revelation I find that my role in my own daughter's goals are to work hard for her, to nuture her dreams, helping her put them into play. No, I don't have her talent, but I support it. My mother always recognized that I could write, but it has not been until this past year that she began to ask so how is the book coming along? I get that paying the bills is a huge priority, but I now understand that if chasing my dreams had been a household topic that success would have followed. (It's not too late, I'm working on my dreams) My new hope for my daughter is not only that she does way better in life than me, but more importantly that she does not waste her life just working a J.O.B., but instead that she work everyday at making all of her dreams come true.

Friends

In my quest to be a better Me, I've had to evaluate my friendships. I've also had to evaluate me as a friend. I haven't always been the best friend, but I didn't make any of my mistakes intentionally. I've overstayed my welcome and at other times I've been the doormat. I can pride myself on never conforming to the crowd or catching another persons beef. My arguments have always been my own, not walking around holding another persons grudge. I fall short with communication its just my personality trait, because I don't mind my own company or a good book so I might not be as quick to call or have an overwhelming desire to run by your house. I will however do better at checking up on you as you check on me. I sincerely care to know that you are okay.

I'll cook for you

Treat me like a lady!!! Happy tonight, dinner in the oven and not the frozen kind. A full meal made from scratch and I didn't fix a thing. A piece of love and a touch of honey. Wine gathering a nice chill. A hug so tight not that polite pat on the back. The decor pulled right out a magazine, a home with a pop color, but still the masculine type. This is what its like to be treated nice, princess like...Queendom on the raise. Being pampered feels so nice, foreign almost, but something I wouldn't mind getting use to. This is what its like to be in the company of a grown ass man!!

Shine

In May I took a promotion to our training department and over the past two months the one word that best describe my new cohorts would be shine. They each posses this shear desire to propel themselves forward, but more importantly they strive to pull out the inner upward bound locked deep in each of us. It is a delightful change just to hear people greet you with a genuine interest in your plan for making your life greater. People that host several training courses throughout the day, but manager to stay turned up and very engaged in their work. New to this and buried under my own depression or suppression for years; I find the atmosphere nostalgically familiar to the ME I thought I would be before I settled into the victim role accepting defeat. Going to work everyday is like taking a seat on a therapist couch, I get to reach inside of myself and uncover some special part of me that has been stuck under the rubble, pulling the me I use to be forward to make the damaged part of me shine!

House of mirrors

It took me way too long to realize that I'm the same person regardless of my geographic location and while I know God sent me a clear message, I don't know that I waited for the exact instructions. The final picture was displayed, but my steps had not been ordered. Fast forwarding through the process placed a number of unnecessary delays, distractions and detours in my path. God had to reroute me so many times that I think he even got a bit annoyed with that voice on the GPS. Now I'm too old for regrets, never been one to wish something away; I completely accept and understand that its all relevant. What I will say is before you operate in haste just move the mirror and look at yourself from a different angle and decide if the person looking back has change just because the mirror has been relocated?

Center

I've decided to try yoga in hopes of finding my center and to strengthen my core. An exercise in clearing my mind, controlling my breathing and embracing peace. My mission to use the tools God loaned me to control all parts of my life instead of allowing them to be the devils playground.

No return investment

I can take or leave the latest hot A mess reality show, but my daughter said you should watch the beginning of this. From the eyes of a babe. The first five minutes of L & H Atl, in that moment when she knew enough was enough I could relate. Many people that realize there is no return on their investment and that the only thing left to do is take the "L". The everyday internal fight with oneself to be strong and brave instead of resentful and bitter. The moment when you realize broke and happy beats broken and miserable. When you trade gucci for chucks and five bedrooms for a loft, because your peace of mind can't be traded for the bs. The moment you let it all go, placing what you have left in a safe deposit box.

Momager

Momager equals Mom + Manager, a position that I freely accept knowing one day after she is famous and in demand that I will gladly wait for her to fire me, only to rehire me once she learns that a mother's love will not be tarnished by the dollar bill. I've been building websites and ordering business cards, brushing off my PR skills so that she makes the right connections. Being the adult voice protecting her from clients that would like to use her age to under bid. My job is to keep her grounded after every success, so that she always remains humble. My greatest task is to remember while remaining professional, it can't always be about business because when disappointments come she will need her mother, not just her manager.

Solid

I'm tripping, I haven't thought about writing today and time just passed me by. It has been such a solid day void of the normal lows. Stable my mood and even a small slip in attitude quickly corrected no desire to act all witchy today. I apologized to God making peace in my heart for unnecessary harsh words. No worries, no weight just an easy day. I'm grateful.

By myself

There comes that day when you clearly understand if you plan to make it even one more step you must do it all alone. No more hand holding, forget the support groups. Stop holding onto the life raft, you have to let go and finish it all by yourself. I find myself rejecting the calls, responding slower to each text. Socially disconnecting and not because the black hole of depression has swallowed me whole, even though it has tried. No this is an act of strength, testing a new muscle; trying to make sure that I'm strong enough to catch myself from this never ending fall. Even God waits for us to come by ourself. I must compete this journey alone; "on my own... by myself" in my best Michael McDonald voice.

One

Everything I've learned about the Lord involves putting others first. As I was penning a goodbye letter yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks that if two people are putting the same person first, someone gets left behind, but if each of those people put the other first you'd both be number one, leaving no room for selfishness. God didn't create the moon and stars so that no one else could enjoy there beauty. Do you really think he intended for us to walk around and I quote as I've heard it said a million times over..."I have to take care of me first." If only we learned to take care of others no one would lack. God didn't just ask that we being ourselves to him, but how many others did we help along the way? It's not what you accomplish alone, instead it's how well you serve others. There is enough space here on earth for us all to be one.

Half

Today marks six months to the day that I started this blog. Half a year, in that time a lot of my writings have centered around my pain. Some of my entries have gotten a high five, others a good job and a few laughs and then some have missed the mark completely if my goal were just to captivate readers, but since this platform is my vessel for healing; I selfishly admit that I write for me as a way to manage what at times seems like unbearable pain. I share it with the world because I need a cyber hug and all of you are at different times my counsel, my support group, my cheerleader but always my friend. It becomes a blessing if someone else benefits from my transparency.

Today, I'm taking an even braver step or at least my goal is to try. I'm learning that I've spent so much time looking back that I can't outrun the pain. I don't keep a solid focus on looking forward allowing the grievances of the past to engulf me like a morning fog. I will not speak for all, but many are in need of closure from situations in order for the healing to begin. I have been walking around with an open wound letting the infestation rot, making me sick inside and out. The hardest thing to do is stitch yourself up and accept when something has died leaving you with no grave site to visit. It's like a person that goes missing because some selfish act took them away and you could not get a solid grip on how to act. All you know for certain is life must go on.

On this Independence Day I declare a new freedom that starts with setting fireworks under my own feet, keeping them moving in one direction no matter how many turns or detours as long as the other half of this year doesn't catch me still looking back at the first half.

Headache

I've had this dull ache in my head all day that has become increasingly worse depending on my emotional state for the moment. It has indeed been a rough day, but here I am with 45 minutes to spare creating this blog almost in a resentful way, because I do not want to write tonight. My accountability partner (my conscious) on the other hand will not let me off the hook. What I was forced to embrace today is called a setback. I am so comfortable being abused in some fashion, that the devil got a little scared when I made it through the month of June without acting a fool so he came out with both guns blazing determined to truly set the fireworks off this July. I am so pleased that God trumped him with a blessing and if this headache is all I must suffer; I gladly accept that God left two aspirin and some water next to my bed.

Distracted

Alone in a crowd of thousands, distracted trapped in my mind. Too much information today and no safe way to process it. A set back, joy stolen. Disgusted with myself for being solid in some areas, but weak in others. Sad for allowing the distraction steal my joy.

B.E.T. or T.E.B (Try Entertain Better)

So a number of us have tuned into the BET awards tonight and we have collectively sounded off on some horrible performances. Unfortunately a great deal of the music currently played in radio rotation has been manufactured and lacks raw talent which makes it impossible for the artist to duplicate the sound in a live performance. I have taken to FB tonight as if it were twitter, laughing at a number of artist and shaking my head at others. I wish I could say my disappointment stops with the missing talent, but I must admit that I am disappointed in BET. After all of these years I expect a more flawless production. The sound, the cameras, the host and the timing all off; leaving the entire show dull, lacking the polish and luster it should have at this point in the history of the television station. One thing for certain over the years of airing the awards they have remained consistent in missing the mark. Leaving fans luke warm with only a handful of performances that they can truly appreciate. BET please do better, you are still the face of US.

I am however grateful for the Whitney Tribute, Monica and Brandy did that!!! And nothing beats a tall glass of dark chocolate that can actually sing...thank you Joe and Tyrese!!