My Smile

When your minutes turn into moments and those moments become memories you are moving in the right direction. When regret no longer knocks at your door and the smile that use to escape your eyes now leads to laughter, you've found your joy. When excuses are no longer acceptable from self, no one else can use word play with you. Knowing your worth decreases to zero the opinion of others. When you think better of yourself, a positive energy begins to flow and the beauty that you are will show. 

I've spent too many years hiding one of my greatest assets, my smile...those days are no more and my entire face feels better now that the most important part is turned upward!!! My life can only follow!!! 

Death to Debt and Dependence

If only life came with a handbook on how to pick the perfect spouse, be the perfect parent, have the perfect job, white fence and 2.5 kids we could all read our way to a perfect life. This will be an incomplete thought as again I wrote my blog and went to save and for the second time this week all of my work was erased...but I have lived a life dead to debt and dependency and I am done. When you live dead to debt you are on life support watching the machines go up and down without a plug to pull praying that one day they just stop. It's cohort dependency offers temporary relief, but it just places the power to kill your life in the  hands of others. Unfortunately for me I have viewed myself as less than an adult stuck between these two suicides, mostly out of shame and guilt. I don't know many people with a conscious that sleep well at night when they are dying a slow death because of the two D's. While I gladly write their obituary and plan their funeral, I grieve no more my role as an adult. I accept that I was adult enough to make poor decisions that may have required help in which I am responsible for, but I will no longer dumb myself down in my role as an adult. As a human I have made plenty of mistake and as I have grown through the years I have a trillion lessons that I have learned, but I will not be measured by what another considers success and I will not be mislabeled based on their beliefs. I respect that everyone has an opinion, but I kindly ask that you keep it to yourself if it's about me. Who says that how you live your life is best for me?

Chasing Sunsets

"Mom you wanna see something cool?" Sure I say, she grabs the keys we race to the jeep and she's driving like we are in an Indy race all the while chasing the falling Sun. We make it to the edge of the lake, climb up the rocks stacked on the bank and sit centered on the biggest rock we can find to watch the sun set and the tide roll in. A photographer's favorite spot, but for me just a beautiful look from her view.

Roll with the punches

I had a life changing appointment today and I missed it. Yeah Damn...I can say that and exhale right now, but earlier today complete strangers were trying to give me mouth to mouth as they watched me die what felt like a million deaths. Well missing this appointment just forced me to change my life manually, self adjustments are many times extremely difficult, but once you check the panic that is clutching your throat and oxygen resumes its flow to the thinking muscle you just scramble the plan and begin again. A set back, maybe? Divine order probably. Whatever the ill fated reason today didn't happen more than likely is a continued lesson on releasing control. I just have to roll with the punches, somedays I will take some licks but others I will delivery a mighty blow. I got my butt kicked today but I live to fight again tomorrow.

Prove what

Fifteen minute chat and two powerful words surfaced "prove myself" and the light bulb didn't just go off it caught fire unable to stop the smile from spreading, I finally understood something I've said before. 'When we learn that we don't need others to cosign on our life then we will begin to live." Well if yesterday's mental wrestling match had not added muscle, I would not have been prepared for today's challenge, nor brave enough to face it alone. If we keep waiting on the approval of others our life will pass us by. I don't know if I have 40 more seconds or 40 more years, but I refuse to spend another moment trying to prove myself. I'm good with my own reflection and don't need to borrow the mirror of others.

Insecurities

I can tell that I had another amazing session today because I left mentally exhausted, but craving more!!! This  is always a great sign, especially when I am functioning off less than three hours of sleep and dreaded having to come face to face with my insecurities, they are worse than demons. At least demons have this dark heroic power. Insecurities are nothing more than you voluntarily surrendering your power to something or someone else and letting them or it paralyze you in the shadow of fear. Astounded by how a simple Is it or Do you forces you to listen to your own words. Speaking it out loud is already half the battle, but playing it back to yourself, well now that is progress!!!  The moment you recognize that you are no longer standing still in the mouse trap, but actually moving through the maze. Step by step you begin to see the bigger picture knowing if you keep letting the wheels turn that all of these insecurities obstructing your true view will turn out to be a non-_____ _______ factor!!!!

The Flow

I almost feel like a rapper that is caught up in the perfect beat, the head begins to bob and then the lyrics just seem to flow. I find myself in a zone, a different state of mind pure happiness that can't be touched, this is what comes with going with the flow. I have almost been stranded on my own personal island, stuck in the house since yesterday evening when I realized my bank card was no longer working. Not having access to my own money would normally bring out the worst in me since I have a serious problem relinquishing control, but instead I just went with the flow and the happiness that eluded me made my company pleasant to even me. It seems that with my new found friend "my joy" and her companions strength and courage it appears that life is closer to being lived stress free, since there is happiness in just going with the flow and living in the moment.

Even now losing the blog I wrote prior to this (same content) but I was so happy with the last one and I cannot duplicate it because I type as the words come to me, but the old me would be fuming and this it is what it is me, is like okay just do it again. I have to smile at myself, had no clue how far I could grow!!!

It's my JOY and you CANT have it!!

Early this morning the devil tried to steal my joy, but as I turned over and shed my tears the water helped me grow and instead of retreating to my bed, I rose and had a blessed day. I have accepted that these are not just moments anymore, but power plays and by understanding my worth I forced the devil away. Funny, as I am writing this it hits me that I actually just went with the flow of the day not trying to make any more or less of it. Not trying to answer why, but accepting what made it possible to just keep it moving. I had the best Mother-Daughter day, so priceless and full. Plenty of laughter and jokes, and a few too many "did you see what she has on." The magic of this day ending with my daughter bringing out pad and pencil to trace our family tree. Connecting the dots to help her understand where we began leaves a warm spot in my heart. This is what keeping my joy has allowed, I am so grateful that My Joy is my new best girlfriend and she can come back again tomorrow!!!!

Okay For Me

Most people don't listen to what you tell them will make you happy. They view all situations through their narrow lens and try to deflect that light off of you to expand their view. I have learned to smile and say but it is okay for me. Not okay to me, not okay with me, but okay FOR ME. My life story is not yours and my progression should not follow your path. What looks like blue to you may be grey for me and your red might be my orange, but if it was always just the same then we would be walking clones. If I could have one wish it would be for people to listen without smothering me with their opinions.

Middle Earth

I'm a bit moody today, stuck in this middle earth. Not looking back but can't move foward. I have the desire to date not necessarily a relationship, but missing being the top of the morning thought. The continuous text throughout the day, lol smiley face. The I can't wait to see your face or hear your voice. I miss making plans or enjoying a Friday night drink. I'm stuck in this middle earth, free but not single. A piece of paper lodged between my past and my future. I can't say that I need love, but some serious LIKE would be nice. This is a two way middle earth can't look back, but not moving forward. Not ready for a man, but not trying to be a jump off. Maybe someone nice that would like to hold hands, look in my eyes and just talk. Definitely someone that wants to invest in first being my friend, but someone that wants to INVEST...that I don't have to wonder if he is interested because it shows. You know he cooks and I will rub his back. I will play his video game if I get to pick the movie. I don't have to worry about being sent to voicemail because he calls. A companion I guess that understands that while temporarily stuck in this middle earth, I'm not living in my past.

Defeat Fear

"I am with you continually, so don't be intimidated by fear. Though it stalks you, it cannot harm you, as long as you cling to my hand." Sarah Young This four letter word seemed to have a reoccurring theme today...DEFEAT. We spend so much time voluntarily held hostage by fear, to uncertain that if we take off the shackles that we struggled to place ourselves in and just unlock the door that we've closed ourselves behind with the key that's hanging right in arms reach; we might actually figure out that fear is just playing with our mind. Pick your favorite game or ride, maybe hop scotch or the merry-go-round either way we've let fear come along for the ride just a moment too long. What's the harm in trying a new game, one where we pick our team. Instead of Fear making all the rules, how about we trust God to lead. There is no reason to imagine the view from behind bars when all we have to do is declare defeat and walk right out into God's arms. Imaging teaming up with someone that will never let you go. Willing to hold your hand as you stand on his word trusting that all of your troubles will encounter defeat, if we only believe that he is greater than fear.

Conversations

Communication is one of my favorite words, recently I blogged about the joy of receiving a handwritten note delivered the old fashion way, snail mail! Well today has been just as odd I've held three different conversations spanning some four hours. I promise I can't recall chatting that long in like forever, but I must admit that I couldn't do anything but smile as my mother and I entered into manager mode as we conferenced over the business of our budding photographer. Switching hats I become a vocal Dear Abbey to my cousin whose finally found her voice. After some solid advice and acceptance of shear logic, we slip into girlfriend mode and the hours somehow escaped us as we relax and just laugh. Closing my night with a medical update from my newest friend, relieved that a plan of action has been mapped and soon he will be on the mend, just happy that he took a moment to share, knowing my concern is because I care. I'm so glad I answered the phone today!!

Just Think About It.

Not exactly blogging tonight more of a Q and A...something to think about. What would the story be before your first major life crisis? What are your hopes and do they come from a place of brokenness or from health. Even if they are heartwarming aspirations are they designed to save the victim buried in you? Can you remember life before just enough to jump start where you are headed without being shackled down with the past that did you wrong. What do you have planned for the next forty years if God grants them?

The Measure of a Man

The measure of a man...he held my hand and never let go. He loved me beyond circumstance, opening his whole heart. Carrying me when I could not walk was far from an easy task, but even still he never let his pain show. He loved me back with every breath of his life, making his home my own. He kissed all he loved full on the mouth not ashamed to place his affection on full display. He combed my hair making sure I had perfect straight parts and pretty ponytails. While everyone knows I am a Daddy's girl, most others respect my granddad's role in my life. My father's father raised a wonderful man void of selfishness, my Dad has a giving heart. My Mother's father carried a community on his back and together both men as next door neighbors set an incredible standard for what a man should be and how to raise family. While so many are missing a father's love. I had three unconditional loves!!! I thank them all this Father's Day. I love my Daddy and I miss my Grandfathers.

Happy Ending

Our story has so many endings, but happiness should be the goal. No matter how tragic or sad, how twisted and knotted with drama. The goal is to rise above all the details, filter the parts you need to learn the lesson and decide to have a happy ending. I found myself in various settings today with people that knew a little about a lot and when it was my time to fill in the missing gaps, I could actually smile about my past. I laughed at the realization that our past only has as much power as we give the punch. It doesn't have to deal us a low blow if we decide on a happy ending.

Suffocating

You can miss someone so much that you build up this hope that they will miss you just as much. To feel deflated when you accept that they don't. Tonight I shared in my daughter's final project at the art school and I was so full, excited anticipating all the wonderful things she experienced. Her not so much, she spoon fed me the details. I'm sure there are more to come, but what I learned is I can't suffocate her. I have to let go and even though I feel that time is quickly running out and I have so much more I need to teach her, God says trust that you've given enough for her to lean a little less on you as she learns to walk into the next phase of her life. Isn't it amazing how life can be a bunch of circles as we repeat letting go... starting with their first step and again the first day of school, the transition to middle school, then high school goes so fast and one day marriage. For this very reason we are instructed to let go and let God, who else can I trust with my most valuable treasure, but the one who gifted her to me to begin with. I love my child, but I must let her breathe.

Misguided Interest

It breaks my heart to wake up to the latest celebrity mindless behavior, (no pun intended) but the fight between C and D was pretty stupid. Worst than them acting a damn fool is the media attention. It's sad enough that society would rather reward the talented; investing the poor man's dollars to promote their wealth, instead of furloughing our educators, police and firemen. Today I have to agree with Russell's Global Grind blog our conversation needs to be about the 53 shot over one weekend in Chicago or not letting the memory of Trayvon Martin be forgotten. Let the wealthy be stupid and foolish and they can fight til the white meat shows, but don't feed the hype by keeping it buzzing through the airwaves. Nothing changes without a cause, why not make our neighborhoods our business and listen to our children instead of radio gossip. If we turn around our misguided interest by tuning out the madness, we just might win the best fight of our life.

Not your soulmate

I said once before that most people are married to someone else's soulmate and after laughing through a conversation I still firmly believe this to be true. I know a lot of married couples, but I only know a few happily, passionately still wake up in love with their spouse couples. The rest fall somewhere between comfortably miserable and fearfully comfortable. You know the ones that are unhappily staying because they don't want the other to possibly find happiness and the ones afraid to go because they might not find anyone else. They'd rather be lonely in their marriage than alone...either way they are holding someone else's soulmate hostage because they are to fearful of true love. It's been traded for the children who by the way recognize your misery and silently pray that one of you will just walk away or sold out to the house and cars; you know the line..."his paycheck comes home." Did you really just waste your only life on someone you barely like; instead of living to be loved?

Separation Anxiety

My daughter is entering her senior year and this week she is doing a college preview, away to college camp she goes...so why is Mommy dearest, yes me thinking in fast forward about this is how life is going to be. I should be planning a mani/pedi or that long overdue massage, but instead I am lecturing myself on getting a life. This year will be full of great fun, all of those wonderful senior activities; pictures and prom, homecoming and teens gone wild on that long awaited senior trip and all I can think is the phone will not ring as many times per day because soon she will not have mandatory check ins. I will be paying college fees somewhere for her to stay away creating an absence at home. How will I occupy my days??? Bingo or bridge, maybe salsa or step...I know a traveling club!!! Whatever I find to fill the hours will not compare to coming home to hear her say Mommy!!! I know she'll call when she needs money. Lol!!!!

A Giver's Heart

People with a special heart refuse to allow circumstances or bank balances restrict them from giving. The financially rich may do a monetary right off, the rich at heart give their time, ear and normally their last without special conditions or a belittle you lecture. I've been the recipient of just because and with all my love I've given back. Giving expects nothing in return and is elated with the happiness of others. God has done me plenty of favors by placing me in the company of heart givers. I remember just a month ago one of those givers said now let's count the blessings...God thank you for showing me such a divine lesson. It is a pure treasure to be a member of the givers at heart.

Sasha is evil!!!

Sasha has been beating my behind lately...I find myself relapsing in all the areas that allow her to triumph. Her victories don't just invade my body, but she has weaseled her way back into my mind. I feel her mostly in my legs when it is a struggle to walk and in my neck where she has this vice grip daring me to make another move. The gym has not been my friend and well my trainer has removed me from the books. Logically I know that if I start to whip her behind again that many of the mental struggles I am tormented with will evaporate as my happy hormones begin to release throughout my body. Please say a prayer for Sasha, because the word always defeats the devil and even at her cutest plumpness she is still the enemy. Just evil!!!

Braveheart

Courage is to face your fears. I've found an amazing respect for both men and women that do the work. The ones that don't walk away when the troubles mount; but instead those that stand firm, sinking there entire being into the cause. Through this journey I've learned that I was not stupid but brave. I was brave enough to love the good and the bad. That I didn't smother my hope. I was brave enough to voice my needs knowing that in order to succeed they had to come before the other's wants. Brave enough to allow time for the adjustments to be made. Brave enough to bare the pain as transparently as possible in order to not mask as I heal. I am brave enough to know the difference between getting over something and just past it; I choose the latter because I don't ever want to stop loving my past; it will allow me the braveheart to fall in love with my future.

Control

I'm having a Janet Jackson moment taking control and eliminating names on the way. I've said it before, but I'm screaming it now...my peace of mind is worth more than your opinion. It is painful to open your heart to someone through words for them to later use them against you to point out the flaws in your life. Trust me no one can beat me down more than me for my failures and if I've forgiven myself or more importantly looked in my own mirror, what do I need your reflection for? I'm now taking control and if you can't respect me then you will miss me.

Safehouse

I'm watching Safehouse and the plot slams me into the conclusion that it is almost always someone in house that betrays you. The ones that you consider allies; who are willing to inflate their ego at the expense of your pain. The ones you feel closest to are usually the worst, as long as your suffering makes them superior. Amazing how quickly a house divides when you opt not to think the same. Try standing up when everyone else is sitting; rapidly the smoke will rise in an attempt to suffocate your mind, your version must be hazy and couldn't possibly be right. An opinion disrespected, behavior never validated. Just because you didn't do it their way, rebel you're labeled. There is nothing safe about the safehouse ran by clones, prepared to betray your speech in an effort to keep the fog in the windows, so no one sees that they're full of bull@#$!.

Red light, Green light

Relax...you didn't get where you are overnight so don't get discouraged if it takes awhile to either back track or find a different route. They wouldn't have invented wrong way signs or u-turns if we all got it right from the moment the light turned green. Stop speeding up at the yellow lights they are designed to help us slow down and take in the view; serving as the warning we may need to make a different turn. STOP...at all the red lights this is idle time to be completely still before deciding on your next move. Try taking your morning drive without the distraction of the radio and I bet you will amuse yourself at all the new discoveries between each red light. Life is not a race with only left turns, but a journey with a million routes home; just because green means go doesn't mean you have to speed through life.

Wasted time

I'm sitting in this family law workshop wondering why must I do all the work? Trying to keep a positive attitude about this one will be hard. While I'm not arguing, today I'm heated. Angry at the fact that I have to jump through hoops to bring resolution to something I didn't want to conclude. Why must I go above and beyond to end what you destroyed, while you keep on moving as if this is a mere oversight. I always wonder how people sleep at night knowing they are not playing nice...my selective choice of words so I don't name call. I'm counting to 10 forward and backwards while rubbing my ears, Woosah...because we have nothing to fight over since your signature is free, but instead I have to keep wasting my time while you move on just fine.

Only God can Judge

I'm in court today and I watch first hand how it's less about the law and more about the mood. Judges are truly people that make decisions based on their good or bad days. I'm sure it's not like this for all, but today I couldn't help wonder where she had misplaced her common sense. A couple in front of her discussing a child support case; the father has with him the payment but has not submitted it due to his confusion...should he pay the mother directly or child support agency since the mother has opened a case. The agency tells him all monies go through them, the judge says I told you to pay the mother, "my instructions are like the bible." Now he finds himself in a catch 22, because his balance will continue to rise over at child support while the judge plays superiority games. In the mist of her God like complex she refuses to hear this man say he has money in hand and a letter showing that he is now gainfully employed, but instead opts to lock him up for not paying the mother directly before court. Now we've all heard tales of paying direct gone bad, but the man had money in hand. He is hauled down and through continued talks the mom hesitantly ask how will locking him up help? Taking his freedom will just push him further behind resulting in him losing the job he just found. As if in shock the judge says, "so you would like for me to let him go?" Well yes because he can't try to pay from behind bars.

Bravo, I silently applaud because if I could have spoken that would be my argument. Fast forward she brings him back up for release, but the handcuffs are not removed until the lecture ends; all the while I'm shaking my head at the fact that just because she sits up high on that bench it made it okay for her to turn a death ear to this man's humble display of proof that he is complying, but all of us were forced to listen to her childhood tales of what it means to sacrifice. I understand the law, but I get why God is our only judge because people err based on their own beliefs making them prejudice about how they view life should go.

Face Value

I use to live by the motto that I will trust you until you prove me wrong. Trust wasn't something I made people earn or work for, I gave it freely. Unfortunately once betrayed I never learned to trust that person again and sadly found myself making others serve out that persons punishment. I now understand that I should not have placed my trust in people, but instead placed my faith in God. I posted this quote by Gary Zukav a few days ago... "When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful" and what I believe this to mean is that we don't have to stop letting people in just because we have some bad experiences, it wasn't them we were placing our trust in because they are only human and will disappoint us. However we should trust that not one single person enters our life without a purpose and if we operate with a God like love, we accept his words that we all fall down. He knew that Peter would deny him but washed his feet anyway. If we stop placing our expectations in man and lean only to God for our understanding then we will accept people at face value, gaining freedom to love them just as they are. God and many others accept and love us and contrary to what you and I believe, we are not perfect; just perfectly made by our father who welcomes us just as we are.

Stages

The last two days I've been forced to think about the different stages in life. We rush to become adults and then wish we could turn back the hands of time. Well I'm in that space as my daughter and I visit perspectives college campuses. I'm excited for the next stage of her life and at the same time I wish I had more time in this phase to accomplish more things on the "this will make you the best parent ever list" okay I just made that up, but as parents I'm sure many of you can relate to wanting more time with your child to redo some previous mistakes or to expose them to more before they tackle this big world. Well I'm quickly learning to let myself off the hook, ironically I'm letting my own parents off the hook as well because I now understand that we do the best we can, with what we have and with all the love in our hearts. I'm so proud that she is an awesome child. This makes me comfortable knowing she will be an amazing adult and our next phase will leave room for our relationship to continue to grow in a different direction.

Drive

Some people are born in drive, they know what they want out of life and just how to get it. Others dream about what they want, but can't put the best laid out plan into action. While many of us who are stuck somewhere between waking from the dream but not totally living the life; stand in our own way and flip flop from self motivator to complacent settler. I started a list of goals and only one have I been absolutely true to; the others I've started out strong even rearranged some habits, but only one have I accomplished each and every day. However, I'm motivated enough to begin each day knowing that I have the self determination to keep trying to succeed at all the others and some days I find I'm doing all six and others not so much. Yet and still it is being absolute certain of just this one fact; you can have the best support system and the loudest cheerleaders, but if you don't have the will to motivate yourself then you will only go so far before you find yourself in park again, because you lack the drive. What will it take for you to keep pressing the gas in your life?