Feeling Some Kind A Way

Ever just been in a funk that you can't explain since the day didn't go wrong at all. Not in the mood for a bunch of text or even to chat, social media not high on your too do list. Trying to convince myself that I need to step outside, escape these walls. Normally I would be at the football game, but a high school senior I have and tonight it wasn't too cool to hang with her crowd. Respecting her space I know she needs time to chill with just her friends.  I can't create this incredible social life to fill the void that is inevitable to come, I must find comfort in my own company, but not tonight I just feel like I need to get out of this house. Ugh...

The Bigger Person

The Bigger Person and I don't just mean in size. I'm talking in heart and character. The graceful bow shows more class than a mouth of sass. Taking the higher road isn't claiming defeat at times it just makes the most sense to skip the drama. Rising above demonstrates your strength, mind over matter. If you don't allow anything to negatively invade your mind then trust me it won't matter. The littleness of others will not phase you. And if taking the road least traveled doesn't work and you are bigger in size just sit on them!! Lol

Preaching to the Choir

One of my friends said you have to read this blog my friend writes, I was like sure send it to me. She was like it's you goofball, read your own work and then the other day my Mom catches Jay Z's masterclass on OWN and it inspires her to encourage me to take my talent to the next level. Thank you Mom for being my biggest fan!!! However, today I was preaching to the choir when I encouraged my friend to follow her dreams because all I hear her speak is fear. Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle black. I need to bypass my own fear and apply myself to the field of my dreams. Russell said give your passion away for free and wealth will follow in Super Rich. I say talking about them is no different than being sleep, but doing something to make your dreams come true, that's more like accepting the solo and deciding to stand in front of the choir to let your voice shine. Time to live what I love and no more preaching to everyone else, my great advice is good enough for me to follow!!!

Accountability

A call from my doctor sent me straight to the pavement last week getting my walk on to start the process of pulling my body back together. From that first walk I gained a buddy and she is a true planner, counting steps, measuring distant calculating speed and fine tuning my program. She gladly shows up at my desk twice a day saying let's move. She holds me accountable. I remember participating in a group years ago when I decided it was time to address my anger and we were randomly split into accountability partners, just someone to give an honest report to twice a week about poor behaviors, a call it like it T.I.S. partner, but if I didn't want to change I would have never been open to allowing some stranger to call me out on my crap. What I'm learning is we can't always hear it when it comes from family or close friends and many of them can't say it, but a stranger has no vested interest or they possibly share the same vice making your ears more receptive. My suggestion would be if you don't have an accountability partner find one and watch how fast positive changes

A Purpose Driven Life

Living on purpose requires abandoning fear. It means finding the lesson in all experiences good or bad and using them as fuel. It means accepting criticism without letting it derail you, filtering what may make you better and leaving what is aimed to bring you down. A Purpose Driven Life is lived on faith that if no one else ever believes in you that you are okay with being your number one fan. Putting your purpose to work requires action. I started the journey with this blog, it was my electronic diary. A place I came to share as I healed, but it was also my test to commit to my passion my purpose of writing and to see if anyone would care to listen. I've always known my story was larger than this, so its past time that I use Gods gift to live on purpose.

We Can't Pause Time

Time waits for nothing...it has no preference, it's only job is to keep on moving so shouldn't we? If we stopped today and never pulled the covers below our head again the same amount of time will pass each year the only thing that halts is us and how we capitalize each moment of everyday. Last week I ran like the wind a million miles and counting, by Saturday afternoon I was completely depleted and spent the next 16 hours in recovery drifting in and out of sleep or lazily reading through two novels, but that time didn't care how I used it, it just keep on ticking away, seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours and at the end it was just all gone. I can't get back any of it, so I have to be satisfied with how I decided to spend it.

We don't get a pause button so if you are not one of those people that are comfortable living in the moment, then I suggest that you begin to plan your day so that at the end of your time you have accomplished as many things on your to do list as possible to reduce your stress and regret!!

Meant To Be

Reminiscing over an old prom photo I half jokingly said, that he was my 2.5 white fence, happy ever after that I messed up and the follow up response was "if it was meant to be then it would be." I believe this with my whole heart, things are exactly as they should be. We convince ourselves that if we had not made this one decision that the route of our lives would change. No we would have just taken a different road leading to the same place. We can't escape the lesson designed for us to learn, that is what builds our character and develops our muscle. If it were not for every battle wound how would I know that God trusted ME enough to endure my pain so that I could be a vessel for even just one. My pain was my assignment, sharing it with you my test, it helping you reach a breakthrough is my salvation. In hindsight what was meant to be is exactly as it is God wrote the pages of our life, maybe he didn't pick your career but he designed your purpose that if you are blessed enough to fill will order the steps of your career, your relationships, your life.

I was listening to an interview Damon Dash did on the death of Aaliyah who passed 11 years ago today and to paraphrase this quote, "I have to believe that Aaliyah was such a cool individual a good person that she must have passed a certain number of test to die at such a young age and that she's enjoying herself wherever she's at." For me wherever is in heaven with my Father God, so instead of wishing I could re-RIGHT (not write) but instead of me believing that I made the Wrong decisions and that I can somehow make it right, I must accept that different may have lead me somewhere worse in life and that I'm living the life that was meant for me.

Quiet Room

Dark and silent, no desire to move. Content in your quiet room, only noise comes from the creek of the house. Fan blowing as you're spread eagle in barely your undies, not moving just romancing your silent room. How intimate just you two have become that your mind drifts selfishly throughout the day, dreaming of doing just this. Nothing at all sprawled across your comfortable bed. Silent and Snug as you wait for your friend Sleep to catch up to make it a perfect night.

Mama Bear

Ever noticed when your child calls and her day has fallen apart that you'd give all of your limbs just to make it better. Automatic protective mode Mama Bear ready to claw, fighting mad. Determined to get justice to see her smile. Don't mess with a mother's child. Especially mine if you'd like to see tomorrow.

Final Tears

The last of the water must fall this day, a cleansing pool to wash away the shame. Years of endless disrespect but I'm the blame for teaching you to treat me this way. My heart I gave until it was all gone and I forgot to keep a piece for me. We both (you and I) were too busy loving you that no one loved me back. I tolerated the pain praying one day it would go away. Holding onto the hope that you'd do better someday. Not once did I stop to realize that I could do better. I stayed and I prayed, I prayed and I stayed until you walked out; viewing my love as weak. The tears you caused sickened you, to selfish to see that I mourned for you. I said I Do til death did us part, not realizing that you killed us from the start. My final tears I cry as a healing, just as the rain restores the dry grass, changing it from brown to green. These tears I cry are to save me before you became the death of me. I wail outloud the ugly cry knowing God is restoring me as I exhale deeply pushing out the poison, inhaling fresh new life. I had to cry this final time closing the coffin on who I use to be.

Grown Little Girl

Hello Grown Little Girl what are you waiting for, someone to hold your hand or kiss you goodnight. Did you miss a bedtime story? How do you know it would have been a pretty fairy tale, it could have ended in nightmares and horrors. Do you crawl up inside of who you hoped to be praying that your rebirth isn't consumed with all your missing toys. Accept that you can't paper doll your way through life, this is no dress rehearsal and while time may move as fast as a fashion show; changing clothes a million times still can't cover up what's missing inside.

Grown Little Girl how many licks will it take to get to the center of your lollipop, is what you taste really sweet. Maybe if you bite down you will break the hard exterior revealing how soft you are inside. Reverse the mirror hung on the wall it is past time that the adult you see becomes acquainted with the child inside. Little Girl Grown is who you see because that is who you be.

My Body's Saying NO.

I can't do it all. This has nothing to do with superwoman, forget the S. My chest hurts, I can't burn the candle from both ends of the stick. The relapse last week was just a warning that if I don't slow down, my body will shut down starting with my mind. I made a list of things that I had to stick to during this 40 days not content with just the 40 days. Piling more onto my already full plate. Gluttony is a sin and I don't think it applies to just food, over indulging on anything becomes too much. I'm doing a million drive by's with God praying for help through the next part. My body is telling me NO with the racing heart and the constant fatigue, the headache that last past a few days. If I don't learn to tell myself NO, my body might just quit.

Pride

We all have a level of pride that we need to work past. Be it something simple as I will wait for him to call me first or Mom, please don't make me ride the bus. In the big scheme of it all, it becomes quite funny or maybe even sad that a small word like pride has such a huge impact on our lives. Friendships fall apart at the seam as we look at only the current disagreement and not the whole relationship. Pride will not let us move past our opinion to salvage all of the good parts and we find our relationships shattered into a million pieces. The question of the day is what has pride done for you lately? Left you missing someone you love in exchange for taking such a hard stance. Don't confuse being proud or even standing firm for your cause, those are the positive sides of pride. It is just when your picture becomes to small and you are unwillingly to look at the screen from a different side that your pride has gotten the best of you and trust me it is much easier to let your pride go than to have to apologize.

Hit Em Hard

Nothing greater than a football night. UPROAR is the only adjective to describe the mood. One continuous ball of energy. The only time its cool for one man to be on the bottom of the pile. When hitting hard is as acceptable as warm affection. When the entire crowd knows one word for first down and all eyes shift everytime the chains lift. There is no sport greater than football and no crowd louder than the one cheering for the home team.

Beat stress to death

It feels like little men marching to a beat, playing the chorus over and over again in my head. What I've learned over the past two days is that stress can kill and no matter how well put together you try to be or for that matter think you are, the body has a way of revealing the real story. Giving it all to God is a daily task and we tend to want to help him with the assignments. He did not give us anymore homework than to trust in him. We can't seem to get an A in just that one category, believing somehow we can show him a better or easier way. Does God do easy? The heavens and earth may have been created within seven days, but the details were not easy and he had to go back to the drawing board a few times destroying the earth, before realizing that it didn't matter how many times we met flood or fire in the end we are just people who err and the greater sacrafice was his son, so that instead we learn to operate in love. Well that is what stress has to be for me. I have to learn to love all of my mistakes. Accepting just who I am, because the facts are 100% true. Yes they can change, but that all has to come from me and my greatest mistake has been how can I make it all different right now instead of accepting that I didn't get here overnight. This has been a long journey and changing course requires that I back track some on the way to my new path. The point of the matter is why kill myself over what I've already done. It's time to let the stress of the past go unless I'm comfortable with it being the death of my tomorrows.

The Devil is a Mess

So glad that I know I am a child of God even in the mist of my trials because if I had any doubts this day would have made me a non-believer. The devil is so messy that it is almost funny that he came to knock me off my feet just one day after this leg of the journey began. I must have truly ticked him off by deciding to do something great for my mind, body and soul. The devil flipped out so he came to beat me in the head with this migraine, turn my stomach upside down worse than a roller coaster ride and then make me hot as hell with the power outage. He was truly outdone with the love and support of those that have joined me on this 40 day journey, thinking if he made me the coordinator the weakest link that others would fall. Ha!!! We have the last laugh, even today the out pour of love from those sending me messages that they are reading along made turning on the light to pen this blog bearable. I needed the devil to know that his mess will never make me second guess MY GOD!!!

My Daddy's Daddy

Thank you all that have embarked on this 40 day journey with me. Chapter one of The Purpose Driven Life confirmed that nothing happens by chance. If today had never come all those years ago for my grandfather to be born, the man who became my father would not be. My Grandfather was the quiet type, I promise I never witnessed him mad. He was a decorated veteran, but the man I saw come home summer evening after summer evening colored black by long days spent digging for coal was so far removed from those Air Force days. His down time spent near a window enjoying a long game of solitaire, the simple life was all he needed. The father of nine, it was in his illness that his character shined as his children pulled together and in his death no Angel could be prouder than this great father as his children displayed the best of him, no bickering or fighting. Truly a Union family standing as One. I thank God that I am a Mathews because my Daddy's Daddy thought him how to be a man.

Damned either way

When a friendly hand has been extended but you still get slapped; it leaves you confused, not knowing if you should reach out or hold back. What's the braver move accepting that you need help or solving the problem alone? A catch 22, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Nothing you do will ever be right, but you didn't set out to be wrong. This is why silence is your safe place. Why speak, for your words to be sharpened as weapons against you. This time I truly don't know how to respond, I don't want my worries to become your struggles.

What does the TYPE look like?

The radio, television and social media topic today has been the domestic violence incident between a celebrity couple and a great deal of comments have been made about what she may have brought on herself or that she does not look like the type to take abuse, but my question is what does the TYPE look like? Does domestic violence have a face? Do you really believe that people volunteer for an ass whopping? I think not, do you think the mother that had to sit in the court room today to face the fellas that beat her son to death, passes by his picture and thinks oh yeah my son looked like the type to die in a senseless fight? What about sista-girlfriend rocking her red bottoms and six figures while using her Mac collection to cover her bruises. How about that hard working man that holds down more than one job but it's still never enough, and since she can't be satisfied he lives with the constant face slaps.

I don't know these people from Adam, but I know abuse as if she were a close relative. I know abuse has no face, it could be your sister or uncle, your childhood friend or next door neighbor. Abuse is the ugly part of who they are and because they can not face it they'd rather see you wear it. I don't care who you are, man or woman it is never cool to bring your fist to a word fight. I don't know who you are looking for when you talk about abuses type, please look close at ME because abuse attacked me and while I didn't think I was it's type, it doesn't discriminate in the mist of a fight.

Spread Thin

Today I just don't have enough hats. My blog topic was decided bright and early this morning, but the new me couldn't compose a message out of anger. As I let the day go by and the many faces of who I really am all demanded a front view in the mirror, I just couldn't give that much energy to what happened before. My day went on and because I wear so many hats, here I am with less than five minutes to spare just penning this blog. Time management my new goal since I know I can't have another day like today. When I wasn't the best hostess to my company and my homework is missing some detail, my blog is pushing up against it's deadline and the student newsletter is still in draft mode. I am rushing to finish this day all in the last four minutes so that I don't carry it over til tomorrow, but at this point I am spread too thin and my to do list my still have today's date tomorrow! I tried my best, but I'm just one woman, not superwoman.

Sore feet

My feet hurt and I don't do crowds. I'm not the average lady, shopping has never been my favorite past time. Today I made an exception and braved the crowded streets just to capture each of these last year moments. An entire day running from here to heaven only knows, just to see her smile. I wouldn't trade my sore feet or aching back nor do I suffer from my normal buyers remorse, today was all about her as each day this year just might be, but its okay because I'm willing to give her the world.

Hello, how are you?

After a very long day, exhaustion has taken up residence and sleep has made it to the only slot on your to do list. Something simple as hello how are you could mean the world. When the talk of the day doesn't include all the unfinished business and the chief complaint isn't about the kitchen being clear. When the sound of my voice is enough and all that really matters is that my day was ok.

Head to Toe

What do you do when the past comes knocking and I don't just mean an ex. I'm talking more about the moment when your entire life catches up to you. That day that you face the reflection in the mirror. I've heard many times when people gain a large amount of weight that they somehow stop seeing what's staring back at them. For some reason we only look neck high and if that's too thick then just from the bottom of the lip and above. When life gets complicated we tend to start looking at only the good parts, let's make them pretty. Extra gloss, a few more strokes of mascara and I can always make my hair pretty, but dressing up the few good attributes does not correct the entire picture and when you find your self in front of the mirror that forces you to look from head to toe you are left with one of two choices; break the glass and continue to live broken or face the fact that you don't like what's looking back. It's time to change from head to toe, inside and out so that I love who I'm looking at.

Pressure

The pressure that comes with change manifest in all parts of my being. The constant headache, the sharp pains that travel down my spine, the buckle of one knee. My mind and body are tired of the beating my decisions inflict on them. All praises that I can begin again, but the knot pressing against my throat is a constant reminder that this is the final time to set my life right or doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result want just be a quote, I will go crazy if every move from this day on does not keep me going forward.

Right or Wrong

There is no right or wrong when it comes to life decisions, its just what you are comfortable living with. What's too much for me might not be enough for you. I might be able to stand fifty punches while you can only handle ten. My pain level may be greater while your tolerance level lower. It takes all walks to make the world go round, but only what you can live with or for to make your life go up or down. Beauty of it all is that you are allowed to make as many changes as you need and what you wanted or could handle doesn't have to be the same today as it was yesterday. This is your journey and there are no set directions. Don't allow others to force you on their road, it could be too safe or too dangerous but whatever it is just isn't your path. There are no right or wrongs when it comes to living your life, so don't allow the opinions of others make you think twice. Be happy being you, because how much sense does it make living miserable as someone else? There is no right or wrong when you do it your way!

The Next Step

Well today I was granted permission to move on to the next step towards reclaiming my life and I will admit that I just feel numb. I was waiting for this happy feeling, but it never came. It just seems like another ton of bricks have been placed on my back. The reality of having to go through something else alone. To fix something else that I should not even be the one resolving. Taking the next step just made me tired.

A million miles and running...

A million miles and running no where. Stuck waiting on this tow truck, yesterdays whoa's being resolved today. They say never put off what you can do today for tomorrow, well some things just have to wait. When the to do list has reached page two and you already ran out of time to make it half way through page one, you find that you must keep it moving or sometimes a spontaneous break just to regroup. Well I wish I could say I felt bad, but I don't. Overwhelmed just isn't an emotion I feel like adding to my spinning wheel. Learning to take it all in stride is quite new for me, but I just didn't want to waste unnecessary energy on something so far out of my control. It is what it is!!

Q and A with God

What started out as an extraordinary day somehow took a turn just as quick as a thunderstorm. A morning on track derailed without prior notice; that I had to laugh to keep from crying, but I did need to apologize for screaming. The truck broke down at the gas pump just after I filled her up. On our way to Jhys big wedding shoot, no time to panic my only option was to create a plan b. One cancelled cab, after a rescue ride to a rental car arrives one photographer to her shoot. After the panic was over and crisis diverted taking off one of my hats I head home to dress as I was an invited guest, but I found myself having a Q and A with God not sure why my life is similar to Job. It just seems so rough as if everyday is a test. Some greater than others, but all the same in an effort to avoid asking why. I sincerely ask Lord really so much? Do you really need for me to be so strong? What are you preparing me for with all the trials and tragedies. How large must this testimony be? Am I not deserving of a break today, I think I deserve it. But who am I in the big scheme of things? Lord all I know is that my breakthrough will be greater than my breakdowns even if I don't see the blessings until I'm next to you.

You are worthy

You are more than your mistakes and you are worthy of your own forgiveness. No one can beat you up worse than yourself, but I will say it again release yourself from the guilt, from the misguided decisions, from the burden of failure. You did not fail, you were strong enough to try again that's all. You were brave enough to face another day. You are wise enough to figure out another way because you are worthy of achieving much greater just because you trusted enough to try again.

I Am Enough

There are no coincidences in life, we make choices that lead us right where we are. That doesn't mean that the best of intentions don't hit us from our blindside leaving us to wonder what the %&*#. Funny thing is we don't have to get comfortable in the mess. If we retreated from things that hurt as if it were a knife fight and our life depended on it, the fewer scars we would have. It amazes me mostly because I'm just as guilty that when people begin to hurt us how we foolishly stay. Glutten for punishment hidden behind an unaddressed fear of some sort of inadequacy. For me its a deep rooted feeling of abandonment. I'm just beginning the work in that area so I will indulge the topic once I have a greater grasp, but what I know for certain is that I am enough and no longer willing to accept torture. No one can tell you when to stop, but I can say ask yourself if God intended for love to hurt?

The Best

You saw the best in me I sing with praise. I woke up with the goal of not looking back. Confirmation came in three's today with the radio inspiration vitamin as the dj asked if I've been ignoring God? I know he wasn't talking to me, but HE was talking to me. Followed by my girlfriend reminding me to hold tight to God's hand and it would be okay with the third to come as I was taking a co-worker home that doesn't know me from adam. Some general conversation lead him to ask me to just rearrange my words. Instead of speaking of lack that it was time for me to call my blessings in. Some people wait a lifetime to hear from God, others like me are blessed with immediate confirmation, but fail to listen. At first I was upset for missing therapy today, but God had a different type of healing in mind. He sent people to tell me that he needed me to talk to him today, so I went and held an intimate conversation with God that included the ugly slob and as our overdue chat concluded the radio began to play "You saw the best in me!" All I can say is thank you God for forgiving me for avoiding what you've been telling me and wasting the gift you gave me.