SCREAM

I took some great advice from a conversation last night and I SCREAMED SO LOUD this morning. I SCREAMED because I made the mistake of entertaining the conversation, I listened to the promises and then I beat myself down for believing the hype. I SCREAMED because a part of me was holding out hope for happily ever after, but not all people will make it to your happy ending. In some cases happy doesn't begin until some situations end. I SCREAMED for the postponed dreams. I SCREAMED for still asking why, for still getting sad, for still getting mad. I SCREAMED because I'm tired of feeling, but that makes me human and be it this week or next year (but God I pray not that long) that while I hope I could say I let it all out as my pitch rose high, truth be told I might have to SCREAM again another day, hopefully not as loud.

Mouse trap

Motivation comes in spurts for me, but I can't seem to gain this continuous ball of energy needed to stay on a consistent roll. I'm guilty of overthinking everything; that's an entirely different topic, but my mind is in this constant race and I can never seem to slow it down. It's as if I'm desperately seeking an absolute answer to what drives me and then I must figure out each intricate step to make it work, and then I must rethink the thought to make sure the steps are in order to complete the process and then and then and then...it seems like I'm stuck right back at my original quest of figuring out what motivates me. I wonder how can you tell if you are depressed to the point of requesting help, because I feel like I'm stuck in a mouse trap with all the answers but no clue as to how to exit this cycle. I find myself sitting in traffic crying, a fraud because I can't apply my own written words to my life. I just would like to have enough motivation to stay happy. Not in what I'm doing, but in who I am.

Stop lying to yourself

Have you ever reached the point in your life when you had to just STOP believing. When no amount of false starts or empty promises are enough. You just have to take that last deep breath, open your eyes extra wide and read the writing on the wall. Nothing says LOUDER what someone truly means better than what they show and you can sugar coat that crap until your teeth fall out. I guess my question now becomes why is it so hard to conceive that people are who they show us they are. We would be livid if someone tried to make us something else, so why dilute ourselves with images of what we hoped others could be. Either accept EXACTLY who they are or decide that its not what you need in your life. We can't keep going through life avoiding the facts. Why lie to ourselves, the people we are making up a better version for aren't.

Looking forward to doing nothing

I was counting down the seconds to quitting time, waiting for the weekend to begin so that I could do nothing. Day dreaming about sleeping in; I found myself on half a dozen mental vacations today. Just plan ole' tired with pj's on way before 8. I'm happy to be home with nothing left to do, but write to you before I snooze!! I can officially cat nap right til Sunday, or snuggle with a good book, maybe some homework. Point is I'm free to do NOTHING!!!

Giving up is not the last resort

The phrase goes every setback is a setup for a step up. It took me until recently to figure out exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and then the news...I wasn't accepted into the program. Disappointed an understatement, as defeat began to set in like rigor mortis; the brain did one final check and the scan detected that giving up wasn't the last resort. Let me repeat that GIVING UP IS NOT THE LAST RESORT. I can almost close tonight's blog with that phrase as the magnitude of my words just slapped a few folks over the head, SELF included!

Just because it didn't go that way doesn't mean it didn't go my way. Maybe it was because I considered this program the Yale of programs that doesn't mean my Harvard isn't waiting around the corner, but whose to say that a Michigan version isn't just as good. All metaphors, but I really had to get past the name, well for one it had already gotten past me and two it was time to come up with my plan B. My goal didn't change just my path, so now I have to make a left instead of a right. The point is in bold letters above this route wasn't my last and it must be important for me to check out the scenery on the new one I must journey.

Many times we get so busy trying to get where we are going, that we forget to focus on where we are at. I have another option as long as I have another tomorrow!!

Handwritten Letters

I received a handwritten card in today's mail; it made me smile!!! Technology has left us with lol and smiley faces that's as close to personal as an email, text or im will get. Unlike the scroll of a pen, the lean of the cursive letters that form a warm heartfelt hello. When the very next line is to ask how are you or to say I hope to find you well. The outside of the envelope neatly addressed with a postage stamp that indicates someone took the time to stand in line, to pay a fee to make your day!!! I joked recently in a stat that I was going back to writing letters. Well the fullness I felt to open the mail sent just for me confirmed exactly why; I planned to reconnect with the human side of me, before automation propelled me into the digital age. I'd like my reader to get all warm and fuzzy because I thought of them and then the fun is to wait and see if they will write back!!

 Thank you Heather, I loved your handwritten card!!!

I have a blog to write

I wonder if that is how columnist think everyday, that the ink must hit the page no matter how you feel...sick, sad, tired, stressed, lazy, happy or glad. This thing must go to print. Doing it as a promise to myself is awesome, but when I had to do it for deadline, now that was sheer fun!!! I miss the adrenaline rush! My only anxiety now comes from sitting in a room with friends having fun and I have to get my blog done before midnight. Wonder how cute this task will be when I'm on a first date? That might not go over to well, I think I might need to stash some extra writings for nights like those or days like this when my sinuses are giving me trouble and I have a magic pill to help me slumber, but Nope!! A writer must write, its like taking in air, this is what I do so that eventually it will be ALL I do.

It is what It is

My entire topic shifted as I sit here watching Basketball Wives, I realize that we have a serious problem with letting go. God does not violate our free will, but we tend to focus on why people are leaving instead of accepting that it is their choice. In this situation it is friends wanting to know WHY instead of accepting WHAT...which is people move on, grow apart or simply change their minds. If we could all admit that while it may suck and we might not be ready to let go; that in the end if we accept that it is what it is we would find peace sooner and our next blessing will be that much better.

The Mother of a Teenage Daughter

I realized tonight as I walked away from the impending war that the battled has already been lost. Trying to change how someone views you is useless. This one unfortunately is a bit personal because its right here at home, but for once I accept and understand that you can't please ANYONE...they have to be happy within and be willing to accept who you are. Yes we all have room for improvement but that too has to be for self and if it benefits your relationship with others that becomes an added bonus. It's funny we spend so much time trying to please our children, we sacrifice the world and we think we are showing love, but in the end no matter our title we are just people and they have the choice to like us or not. We frequently use the expression I love you but I don't like you, I ask can you sincerely love something you don't like? Should we take a moment to clarify that its the behavior we dislike; so I ask what is it you would like to see change in me, but then I wonder have you looked at what should change in you that would result in the change you desire from me or maybe I just sadly accept the fact that you just don't like me today. I guess we will try again tomorrow, since you say you still love me. :-(

Family and Friend

This topic hit me during an 8 AM messaging session with my first cousin, that sometimes in life we overlook our obvious friends. I use to lightly joke that I didn't need friends because I had enough first cousins and whenever I go home they are All I hang out with. However they are sometimes the ones we take for granted or the last we check on. I was missing my cousin and home during our messaging session, wishing that I could be home to share in her upcoming joy; to be one of the first to visit or a regular on the weekend. Our session reminded me of all the special occasions we use to share at the children's birthday parties or her annual Christmas Eve party. It was a feel good family moment in which I realized she wasn't just my cousin but also my friend and what is so great about that is we are blessed to come from a family in which many of us are friends.

Safety

The innocence of safety to a child is as comforting as being tucked in at night or the certainty that they will be picked up after school. Safety is being able to reach for a hug and get love back. Safety as a teen can be found in a parents support at the football games or a listening ear when your boyfriend becomes a jerk and your best friend turns on you. How about as a young adult when you need to come back home and the door is always open. It doesn't stop as an older adult safety shows up in your darkest hour to help you through the medical diagnosis or midlife crisis. Safety is a two way street with a bunch of precautions and traffic lights, but no stop signs because just as you are always there for me; I am here for you.

Other things on my mind

Tonight's blog almost didn't happen. I have a test tomorrow that means the difference between sitting still or shifting and that shift could help me reach peace of mind in at least some areas of my life almost immediately, so my focus tonight has been on studying. BUT... That's just it, I have no clue how prepared I'm suppose to be and I am trying to fit three different levels into my brain because I have no clue how far this test will stretch me.

I tried to start my blog topic earlier today because I knew I had to study, but I've been too busy trying to remember formulas. So dear friends excuse me tonight; my plate's a little full.

Do Over

I am not a bible scholar, not even close...but I get from some of the stories that God got mad too. A little frustrated at our selfish sins, so much that he put Noah on the Ark and decided to start all over again. Imagine that a DO OVER...we get to start fresh with every breathe. If you failed the minute before or even the next you can start anew.

Fix your heart to follow your mind and good intention you will find and when in doubt don't hesitate to ask what would Jesus do?? God placed his only son on this earth to demonstrate that we can operate in his love. Placing anger and strife aside, repenting for our sin God gives us a chance to begin again.

Thank you Lord, I can't change my past but in this moment I appreciate that I can get a Do Over making this moment better than my last!!!

Sasha is fit to be tired...

Sasha is mad at me today!!! She is walking funny; legs hurt because they are shrinking and all she wants to do is scream at me. Back all tight from that uphill fight climbing the mountain; she tried to trip me up, make me fall and convince me that I could not make it to the top. She was having a damn fit!!! She is tired and a little hungry, but I'm sure she'll say thank you when those jeans fit...well maybe NOT since that means she will no longer exist. Talk about funny she almost made me slip in the pool today had me running late, but I still got my water aerobics on. That chic is heated because I made her add an extra fifteen minutes to her daily walk. Fit to be tired, because she is slowly fading away pound by pound. Realizing her time is limited she needs to accept that her lease expires at midnight Dec 31st, she is not invited into my new year!!!! Lots and Lots of thangs gonna change this year and she's just one!!!

***If you are a new follower please go back and read my Sasha humor on past blogs...it is the name I have given to my fat***

Something New

I tried something new today. I stayed up a little later and slept in a little longer. I sent out a wonderful thank you card and smiled at future expectations. I enjoyed the positive energy that surrounded me and just rode the wave as it came. No fear of drowning, today I held my breathe under water. I lived. I put resentment in its place, I laughed in the devils face. I tried something new; I had a good day!!!

I whispered my scream in my Mother's ear, she laughed as I tried to contain my excitement, selected to move on!!! Just the option brightens my smile!!! Cooked an amazing dinner while my 98 pound daughter downloaded a calorie counter...well if I eat this meal I will be over, BUT just for this night who cares!!!

I'm doing something New...I'm doing ME!!!!

Nothing Changes until YOU change

Family advice shared from a life time friend this morning as we had one of our always transparent conversations. Lord I thank you first for placing sister friends in my life that will not settle for me being any less than ME!!! Those that hold your hand while gently telling you the hard TRUTH!!! Today's truth is simple if I change so will everything around me. When you show life that you are different, things shift. People, situations and circumstance either adjust or disappear. As you become stronger in who you are and very very clear on what you will accept for your life the rest is easy. Identifying your worth will make letting go of those things that do not add value an easy task and will prohibit you from ever allowing situations that do not help you grow from entering your environment again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well I've decided that I'm not crazy, so in order for things to change...I must take the first step and change ME!!!

Your feet dont fit my shoes

Empathy can only accompany you so far. All journeys must be finished alone. I had that light bulb moment, as I've been having these discussions on being God sufficient and as people drop off, placing conversations on mute. It became super clear that I didn't have to reach outward to process but inward and upward for his love flows through. No one can complete your walk when their feet don't fit your shoes. The wrong size becomes uncomfortable; too small hurts and not many will volunteer to wear your pain and too large becomes annoying and who wants their joy interrupted by someone else's irritations. Nope keep your own shoes I don't care if they are red bottom stilettos.

Lord I will follow you FORWARD

Thank you Lord for loving me even when I put you in a box. Thank you for not leaving me when my trust waivers. You made the heavens and earth; the blue skies filled with those amazing clouds. The trees and the wind; have you seen that sun and moon!!! Did you check out those stars!!! And the moment we think that's all good we need to take just one look and remember he made us too!!! Lord with a renewed spirit I reach out to grab your hand, ready to follow you FORWARD. Even when I stumble I will hold on tighter knowing you still love me when I can't love myself. When I slip and take a look back, I will remember to respond to your nudge that says its okay to let it go. Forgiving myself and moving on because I will follow you FORWARD. Lord you said that you would meet me where I am, but if I put my trust in you I don't have to worry about where I've been. All because you forgive I CAN FOLLOW YOU FORWARD.

Not Looking

At this point it is far too soon...but even if it wasn't I'm NOT LOOKING!!! Yes my heart remains open for the blessings to flow through, but it's God's love that I'm accepting; knowing in his time the right one will appear. I get that I must rejoin the social scene because no one's going to just come knocking at my door. However, internet dating is not my thing and playing jump off not an option. I'm venting this frustration because I'm not desperate or horny, so please stop approaching me with your dirty text or bathroom pics. What happen to courting and talking, damn try a first date before reaching for the condoms. I promise if nothing else I'm still a Lady, so please stop trying to play me.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

STOP falling for the okie-doke just because its what you think you need to hear. It's time to break the cycle and come out clean. I'm reading over and over again "It's Called a Break Up Because Its Broken" by husband and wife team Greg and Amiira Behrendt famously known for He's Just Not That Into You and I have to reread pages 82-85... where the wife describes how she got through. When people feel as if they've lost you, they play the "I know I messed up game" just to drum up sympathy or to make sure you're still hurting, but trust me its all still LIES... run as fast as you can because they are just trying to lather you with false words, so they can rinse you down with make believe promises to only stomp on your hurt feelings again...don't let them repeat breaking your heart, especially when you are so close to being whole again. Believe who they really are, they showed you for a reason. My disclaimer is that I don't believe that people can't change, just not so soon and when its that bad definitely not without Jesus.

Talking about nothing

Lord I have no topic tonight...I'm drawing a blank because my brain is sorting a million thoughts. A part of me would like to share a conversation that provided some clarity. Another part the ongoing uneasiness that fills my belly making me feel like I'm stuck on my favorite Cedar Point ride. The anticipation of great things to come as I learned my resume still attracts some. How about I cut the string and let my daughter drive my Jeep to school, in which she said "aaw Mom it wasn't all that and a bag of chips." Got to laugh as she begs to do it again tomorrow!!! For once I have no ťopic and because I'm sleepy, but committed to post daily, you unfortunately get all my random thoughts. No blues to share, that's a good start. No words of advise or lessons learned. It's just a lazy, chilly Tuesday and the best I have is Hi!!!! I pray that you all are well. Now if I wake from my nap before the midnight hour I might have something to talk about, but just in case I get comfortable in my slumber I will bid you all a good night.

New Monday Meaning

My status today came from a friends positive spin on the day of the week... "It's Monday BUT - nothing gets accomplished without a beginning - so today is just the beginning of a WONDERFUL week!!!" - I so appreciate Maribel for allowing me to share, more importantly I enjoy her insight on what most deem a moment of dread; the beginning of the work week. It all starts in our heads. We make the choice to greet this day with a heavy sigh instead of glee or at the very least contentment; grateful for a place of employment to return to. Changing the thought process is how we change our outlook. It's how we relabel the meaning we give circumstances in our life. This doesn't apply to just days of the week, but to all situations. Instead of concentrating on the stress, how about celebrating new found crisis management skills. Try not to focus on the loss, but at the opportunities that now have a space to grow. In the matters of life its truly mind over matter; especially when we realize that each moment matters by what meaning we assign it.

He has Risen

Resurrection Sunday the day that we rejoice because he got up for us. What an ultimate sacrifice!! Thank you Lord!!! Now let's think about this... what a world we would enjoy if more of us would die to our sins instead of pushing them off on repentance. If we took the time to think before we act, committing no crimes, telling no lies, unwilling to hurt others, leaving no reason for apologies. A true walk of love in which everyone's feelings matter to us. Just think how proud our Saviour would be if we all behaved more like he. Humble and meek, but not consider weak. At peace with one's mind for living fairly; turning the other cheek and loving thy enemies. How drama free our lives would be if we choose to act kindly.

Easter

We celebrate that Christ has risen tomorrow, paying respect that he died for our sins and while some frown in disgust at the commercializim of the day, we forget that coloring the Easter eggs brings the family together around the kitchen table with laughter. The egg hunt unites the community in fellowship. Pretty dresses for our Princesses and dapper suits for our little Gentlemen boost their confidence as they deliver their Easter speech. No, we don't need an assigned day to give our children gifts anymore than we need to wait to give thanks for the Lords sacrifice, but since we are taking this time almost universally, why speak negatively about putting a smile on a child's face. Easter baskets and jelly beans don't reduce the meaning of what Christ gave for me.

Jesus died

Jesus died for you and me carrying our burdens to set us free. Not shedding a tear, no complaints to hear; he gladly gave his beating heart to grant us life. He laid down his life for us to be worry free. No expectations to go against our will, just an open invitation to enjoy his peace. How blessed must we be to have someone go before us, stand beside us or lift us in our time of need. If we love like Jesus what a life of joy we'd receive. I thank you Lord for making the sacrifice for me to live.

Power over Pain

I picked up my S today, too long has it been at rest. Not to be superwoman, but ready to regain my strength. I made the choice this morning to put on a smile and to my surprise it was no longer a painted display. At some point in the day it became authentically me moving through my cheeks up to my eyes. Taking the advice of yesterday to focus my mind in one direction gave me power over the pain, even if its just a little bit this one day; I was able as my mother would say to tell my heart to shut the hell up. All I can say is it felt pretty darn good. I think I'll make the same choice again tomorrow!!

Why ask Why

This title use to be my personal license plate and at that time it was just my sarcastic youth on display, but now it's almost profound...as we grow in Christ we learn to accept why not me. The why becomes a statement instead of a question. Today I've spent baffled to say the least, clueless to understand what makes common sense to some just makes no sense at all, but if I had a penny for every thought of others I figured out...well I'd be writing this blog under a palm tree with an endless view of blue ocean. Instead I'm sitting in my jeep in the hot garage listening to the thunder as the rain begins. Today my pain hit a curb and I get to decide if I get back on the road of misery or take this right that God has presented to me. I understand that grief comes in stages, but right in this moment of sadness I've decided to round this corner. It begins with taking some sound advice from a reading yesterday on Oprah.com an article by Deepak Chopra a portion pasted below. I need to get off this road, not in an attempt to avoid, but to just get clear on all that being consumed with grief is doing to me. I posted a while back, that people survive burying their loved ones, I think I can get a grip on ending a bad marriage. I've come to accept just in this moment that neither of us are bad people, we were just bad together. So less about the question of why it failed, life happens and more about getting very CLEAR with the statement WHY which is found in me. I hope you enjoy the reading below, the entire selection is worth some time, the link is also posted on my page. ~~~~~ The 3 Questions To Ask Yourself When Things Go Wrong, by Deepak Chopra " You must clarify your inner confusion. You must get your bearings in a reasonable way. The first step is to consider—in consultation with those you trust—a course of action that begins with finding a fix. If the fix isn't there, ask why. Perhaps someone is blocking you or you lack the resources of money and time. Yet it is always worthwhile to search for a fix and commit yourself to finding one. Only when you feel satisfied that you've exhausted your realistic options should you begin to decide between putting up with the situation (using patience, not passivity) and walking away. The three alternatives are easier than they sound, because most people vacillate when things go bad. One day they wishfully hope for a fix and maybe take a few steps toward it. The next day they feel passive and victimized, so they put up with things as they are. The third day they are sick and tired of suffering and simply want to escape. The overall result is self-defeat. No solution can ever be found by running in three different directions. So clarify your situation and act on what you clearly see."

The conversation

So I'm in the restroom stall and I'm having this NOW WHAT conversation with God because I've found myself in this place where I'm saying the prayers, reading the books but not moving in the breakthrough. So I'm talking to God just like I'm talking to you because I have to figure out a way to move beyond this sad, pessimistic girl blue. My mind comprehends all the reasons why... So God I say I'm not mad at you or even him, I'm mad at me because I want to live everyday showing that I'm getting stronger and wiser...poster child for that best revenge quote of just living better, but what do you do when the one who hurt you could care less and is not around to see you do better? You just get mad at self all over again because his life went on as many do but here I am stuck trying to journal my way through, accepting that my heart's the only one broken. God I need a Mt dew!! Kicking myself as I try to get it all out, since I promised my friend that tomorrow I'd only speak happy thoughts void of excuses. What do you do when you don't understand why you hurt for something or someone that's over you? Then I listen as I always do to church sermons waiting for the right message to get through and the Pastor is teaching that Jesus suffered too and that most of my pain comes from my inability to die willingly. I was to hard headed to see that you can't take people places they don't want to go, I must endure for not letting go. So here I am rushing through the breakthrough trying to bypass the pain, when God says girl you must stand. I keep telling you that its important to hurt so you don't lose the lesson, but because you pull, when I say P.U.S.H pray until something happens, you keep bumping your head losing common sense letting that deceitful heart win the fight, but I promise if you put on my armor that we will win the war and love will hurt no more.

1+1

When one plus one looks more like three and all your adding and subtracting can't make it two. The math no longer enough and you find yourself in need of job number two plus a paper route. When you're stressed with no clue and the world seems to doubt. Fear invades your brain that is when God takes your hand asking for your trust. Lean on me and I will ensure where your help cometh from all I ask is that you believe.

Its not always what you want, but what you must...

I have that hollow feeling in my stomach, tomorrow is suppose to be a turning point, but what happens when fear has you paralyzed? When what you must do is not what you want to do, but standing still will only prolong the pain making moving forward in the healing process impossible. You have to be brave, you have to remember that the bad outweighed the good and that the horrible times were deal breakers. You have to also remember that people don't change for you, they only change when they can no longer live with their conscience. When how they treat others makes them ill inside. Voluntarily standing in fear is submitting to the toxins, letting the poison kill you. We wouldn't have to talk ourselves out of a burning building, we would just escape as fast as possible, so why must we keep going back to get burned in bad relationships; why don't we listen to our instincts and run??? I learned today from a statement made by Iyanla Vanzant " that you have to be willing to lose everything to gain yourself." I give freely it all accepting the pain to just have me back.