I've Learned

2012 began as the year of Journey for me and what I've learned is that you can still be in love with someone that has caused you pain and if you stop trying to "get over it" and instead just "get past it" you don't have to replace the love in your heart with bitterness. I have also learned that it is my hurt and no one can place a time limit on how long it takes my heart to heal. If I had lost my husband to death just a year ago, people would say she just needs time; well one of the most important parts of your life should not be bound by a clock. I learned how to Grieve.

I've learned that the broken hearted don't get a day off. There are no vacation days, sick time or bereavement. So I learned to cry silently in bathroom stalls on my breaks or in the shower not to alarm my child. I learned to put on a smile even if it didn't go with my outfit. I learned to make it through yet another holiday. I learned how to function off of no sleep. I learned that this is my New Normal.

I've learned that you can't change the past by wishing it would be different. You can talk about it forever but it will not change the facts. Now that you have the events memorized you must decide if they will forever have power over you or if you will decide to take power over them. I learned how to be My OWN Super Hero.

I've learned that two people can look at the same picture at the same time and see something totally different. Not making anyone right or wrong. I've learned to agree to Disagree.

I've learned that my value and status are not tied to my financial well being. Those that have money are poor in other areas and those that lack money are rich in other ways. I've learned my bank account does not determine my Worth.

I've learned that family is not always your friend and that some friends are more of your family and this is okay. We don't choose our bloodline. I've learned that I don't have to feel bad about being closer to my Circle.

I've learned that most people are too busy pointing out other's wrongs to recognize their own fingers pointing back at them. I am so guilty of this so I learned to look in the Mirror.

I've learned that not asking is not always enough, not accepting is also a requirement. I've learned that if it comes with conditions then it wasn't from the Heart.

I've learned that because of some serious abandonment issues that I have been seeking the approval of others ALL of my life. I've learned to Approve of Myself. 

I've learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my decisions...good, bad or indifferent. I have to live with my choices, but as an adult I have learned to live with my Consequences. 

I learned that parenting does not come with a handbook and that learning from my own errors as a parent, I learned to let my parents off the hook for all that I didn't think they got right. I have learned that people do their Best with the information they Have.

I learned that you can't make others respect you. I learned to Respect myself.

I learned that the goal of most parents is to see their child happy and that I feel the same, so when I get a chance to put a smile on my daughters face, I learned that it is worth making whatever SACRIFICE.


I learned that Sasha (my nickname for my weight) wasn't ready to go. I was already going through one major event in my life this year and I just was not ready to put in the work required to let go and she probably was my comfort at times. So I learned that sometimes you just can't do everything all at once. I've learned that losing weight is a lifetime event and that even when I am failing, I am still Trying. 

This year has brought about lessons that I didn't necessarily set out to learn, but as I vowed to be transparent with my fears, shortcomings, pains, mistake, poverty, homelessness, domestic abuse and rape. As I unveiled the mask that I had become comfortable hiding behind it became uncomfortable for me as well as others that were accustom to me handling things quietly. When I learned that my Voice had volume and needed to be heard. That is when I learned that I was ready to GROW. 


One of the most important things I learned over this year of Journey or JourNEI as I like to call it changing the end to represent my nickname. I learned that if your testimony reaches just ONE person then it makes your TRUTH worth sharing. 

I've learned that you may not know My Story, like it or even understand it but if you know my GOD then you know I have LEARNED that he alone is ENOUGH!!! 

Signing Day

Signing day finally came. Void of emotion or maybe its shock. I've asked for something I never wanted for so long and now that I have it, I don't know how to react. I can't turn back because that would halt my future, but I'm having trouble releasing my past.

Confessions of a Loner

This space is too crowded and I'm ready to go. My mind has switched off and I can't do it anymore. Quiet, conversations just not the same. Nothing left in common please just go away. I need my space; I recognize that being alone is where my peace of mind originates from.

A Mother's Loss

A family lost a loved one, but a Mother her child. She carried him for nine months with those new mother jitters, never with the expectation that life would take him first. We always ponder when things seem out of order, but God made up his mind back when we were designed. He knew who could handle continuing to live here on earth without the ones they love. While we will weep and you surely will be missed, we trust that God needed you more. The Lord knew for as hard as it seems that your Mom would rather see you go if it would stop the pain. That is a parents greatest sacrafice to let you go, so that you suffer no more. And now the day has come that we've said our final goodbye and talking to your Mom I know she will be okay. Her baby entered heaven today and we all know you are cutting up!!

Always Love, Forever Missed...Churon J. Webb 11/13/74 - 12/28/12

Doubt is your own worse Enemy

So last year you were the best of friends; completed each other sentences, could stand the foul smell of each other's poop and now just 365 days later you are complete strangers. You wonder if what you had before was make believe. Did you live in a world that only you could see? Doubt is your own worse enemy, it has you repeating why?? The hardest three letters to answer, since nothing said will ever explain and is probably not good enough to erase the pain. Doubt is the space you live when trust is lost, but you're still searching for a way to work it out. Trust me letting go is the only logical way to eliminate your own worse enemy.

Distance

I hear too often that the space keeps us strong; when it actually creates peace and that distance keeps you sane. My sole purpose for moving 700 miles away was because I was tired. Tired from always having something to do, tired of where my job was taking me, tired of myself for never learning the word NO. Tired of fighting with people over where my life should go. The distance gave me balance, it provided freedom for my life that I would have never achieved, but more importantly it gave me an out.

I read this status today from Hart Ramsey - "You're on a mission. So don't stop to fight useless battles with people who have nothing else to do but fight. They may say you're running. But you're not running from the fight. You're just running to your future. Pursue your purpose! Let them satisfy their need to fight with someone else."

I walk away because I'm just NOW learning how not to be afraid and it is too comfortable to stay in what is normal while wishing for something abnormal, something better, bigger and completely satisfying. PEACE and HAPPINESS even in my struggle that is what distance brings to me!!

Christmas Storm

On the road again trying to bypass an approaching storm. Four to eight inches they presume, but I already feel buried under the storm. No matter how much you've changed people that hold a lifetime opinion of you will always view you the same. In my life if I'm bothered or even upset about an event my feelings are not considered valid. Funny how everyone else can openly express their annoyance, anger or past pains and some rudely would even like to tell you how you feel, but no status equals no voice. And contrary to popular belief I don't have to spend a lifetime holding a grudge or even disliking another; however if I did I'd be the first to say since there is no need to disguise how I feel. Loyalty trumps right from wrong, status equals respect and I'll help means don't you ever forget. Funny thing is I changed for me, just because I knew I was a better person and I accept and understand that I can't change another. I DON'T DESIRE TOO...however must you sacrifice being nice just to be You?

Family Feud

Playing games with family on this Christmas Eve. Talking loud, children screaming, parents fussing and teams cheating. Plenty of food, plates to go this is our holiday fun. Rematch, the men scream since the women always win!!! High five, spades or bid whiz whatever generates the most smack talk. Annoyed by those they drink the most cause ain't nothing worse than a drunk that won't hush. Family Feud the game we play, oh my how much its like our real life!

Drunk

I'm drunk its my birthday celebration out with family and friends. Sitting here after close we are having fun. Girlfriend talk they are waiting for us to get out. We have one last drink to go, so glad my Mama showed up. I must say that I'm way to faded to care, but we had a good night! Team Det 40 was way too cool!!

SISSY!!!

My sister's special day was still shared doing what she loves, being a mother!! Tonight was awards night so her birthday took a back seat to let her little ones shine. I promise you will never meet a more selfless love. My sister is very cut and dry, she either loves with all her heart, genuinely likes you or doesn't bother with you at all. Anyone that truly knows her understands that you are completely done if you cross that line, but if you are blessed enough to befriend her she will stick by you for life. For me I'm blessed to be loved by such a wonderful sister!!

Yellow Brick Road

My yellow brick road goes in a straight line right up 75. Leaving peach town and above average temps in Georgia to roll through the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee onto Kentucky's horse land which lacks much attraction until you reach that Cincinnati bridge with all those bright lights and you almost forget that this is the Midwest and not Vegas. Other than that Ohio's pretty flat with just a few things to see. The statue in front of the Rock church; the old one in my opinion looked better, the Pioneer Sugar cains, the Toledo Jeep plant off the water and the Islamic Temple let's you know that you're getting close to crossing the state line where nothing compares to the blue and white Pure Michigan sign!! Home Sweet Home freezing and grey, no other place can replace where you were born and raised.

Cordial

Being cordial is not just an act of kindness; it is rising above the situation. Allowing your pride to fall aside, pasting on your play nice face and sucking it up. It is also accepting that while you were grown enough to be cordial your feelings still may get hurt when you realize you can't be civil to a beast. Damn.

Phone Works Both Ways

This topic has come up several times this week. When confronted by people wanting more attention than they are giving. I have repeated a phrase my sister and I love, "the phone works both ways." A relationship on any level without the proper balance creates exhaustion and eventually you either become resentful or withdrawn. When you're the only person extending yourself you become stretch thin, realizing that if you don't stop the other person will never start. It's so easy for people to point out what you stop giving without ever recognizing that they do far less than what they complain about. The Bible says it best, "do onto others as you would do onto you." Be the friend that you want in return.

Out of The Game

My social skills are rusty, yeah I'm cool behind a keyboard with people I know. But live not memorex, I Suck!!! I feel alone in a crowded room still trapped in my damn head and not letting go. A part of me screaming I just don't want to be here; in this space learning to live this life all over again. You meet and greet. You mingle hoping that some of them are really single. You waste cute outfits and hurt feet on Mr. Representative and the cycle repeats.

I promise I am a happy ever after girl built for forever. I should be at home under cuddle alert, but instead here I am in these streets learning to play a game in which I can't compete; I don't know the rules or even the dance moves. All I was really thinking was I have to get up in the morning, my ride home is almost an hour. I just burned a half a tank and my split did not turn out sexy like those ladies. Oh I need to loosen up, but I can't catch a vibe because I don't understand this dirty south music. This is my reality. I'm single and my social skills suck. I'm so far out of the game that I promise NERD was flashing across my head. I think I'll stick to singles ministry at church or home with my remote.

Be Faithful Over Little

God promises us more if we can prove that we will be faithful over the few. The few task we are assigned, the position that we may not be satisfied with, the small car we have or the little house we live in. Being faithful does not just mean take good care of it and pay your bills on time. It means be grateful for what you do have. I know it gets frustrating to hear people always say well someone else has less. That statement does not increase your need or want nor will it solve your current problem, but hopefully it places it into prospective for you. No that studio apartment might not be what you are longing for, but it sure beats the underpass on the local highway some call home and your car might not be as I like to call it "grown up" but I'd trade a kid car any day over a dressed up walk. At the end of the day it is ALL just stuff, that we can't take with us and that can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. Those that you see up today may have to beg Mama and Daddy to come home tomorrow. Count all that you have as a blessing; be grateful over your few and watch God multiply it for you!!

Hard Times

Hard times are spreading just like the flu...we know the rest to this popular tune, but really they are. I'm talking to friends and co workers and it seems that the struggle hasn't missed a person in one way or another. The question now isn't why, but what? What should you do to first stop sinking deeper in the hole and then to slowly pull yourself back out. Start with a financial list of everything that comes in but more importantly what goes out. That is the portion you can control for now. Are you in a position to reduce your housing expenses? Is moving an option or cutting off the cable. Maybe get rid of that contract phone and go to prepaid. Do you use that gym membership or is fast food your best friend? Pick just a few that can stop the quick sand from pulling you under.... that's enough to get you started! To Be Continued...

After Life

Okay Lord, we need to chat. I came to you yesterday in disbelief about all those children that you called back home. The mother in me just didn't want to understand. However the Believer I am accepts that if this had to be a custody fight that the life you have to offer is everlasting and nothing on earth can compare to playing on streets of gold in a world full of color. They have the best of both worlds as they can smile down on earth now becoming their parents guardian angels, while avoiding the miseries of this world. Yes senseless violence took them and comfort here on earth may never be achieved but all of us that believe know those that die "beat us to paradise!" Our hugs and kisses can never compete with your unconditional love. While I advise those that mourn to weep as a part of the healing. I also say do more than pray. Go chat with God and being mad is okay!! He understands but more important he already knows and once you've screamed, blamed and hollered praise God for the days you held your Loved one close and thank him for now providing a better after life.

And Lord I Can't Ask Why?

One tear of thousands left to cry as parents ask the question why? How is it that I sent my elementary age child to school today and that was my last kiss goodbye? When I walked her to the classroom door no one told me we would hold hands no more. I placed her in this institution that was to help me build her future. She trusted me when I said this place would be safe and that she need not fear when I walked away. I shed this single tear with thousands yet to follow as I must now identify my child's body. The Christmas list replaced with burial task and God you tell me not to ask? I am searching my brain for memories of this morning. Did she show me signs that she was sick, did I force her to go to school when I had reason to keep her home? Were my last words did you brush your teeth or did I give her a hug? Did we sing on the way to school or say our morning prayers? Lord I just hope that we did not have an unresolved fight. God how she must have been so scared. And Lord I can't ask why? My child's future cut short from this cowards damaged mind. He had to be mentally ill to watch all those children die. Anything short makes him a pure monster and if killing him twice would bring my baby back then I would sit in jail for life just to know she lives. How do you offer support to a community devastated? If your child survived how do you gather the courage to send them back to school or ease their fears that somehow NOW this place is safe? How do they return to a classroom where they survived, but watched their little friends murdered? And Lord I Can't Ask Why? Well you have to give me a pass this time, because I NEED TO KNOW WHY?

Helping Hand

No matter what I accomplish in my life, nothing aside from the birth of my daughter will compare to the feeling I receive from providing a helping hand. Thinking of others and my desire to give what I can, try when I can, raise what I can and volunteer where I can is just as easy as breathing for me. My face hurts from the continuous smile I wear when I have accomplished something to warm another’s heart or reduce an everyday stress they carry around. I OVERstand that the struggle is real and that good things should happen more often to GREAT people, just because!!

A lot of us work very hard and have the same drive as people that have achieved great wealth, our treasures just have not been discovered outside of our small circle to reach the masses yet, but it does not make us any less driven or focused or for that matter worthy; so whenever I get a chance my hand is extended to help pull someone up or out of their current situation even if that is only to the upright position. At least that is a start!!

Opinions

Opinions are like assholes we all have one. However we are not required to let the crap someone else talks about us define who we are. We are all entitled to make our own life decisions; good, bad or indifferent we have to determine if they are things we will accept, reject or learn from but either way we must live with our own choices. I guess my point is I don't like the phrase I respect your opinion, if I don't. I can't respect something I reject. I can't stop anyone from having one, but I will not attach myself to your opinion if I view it as wrong.

Holiday Blues

This is more of a question or conversation instead of a point of view or diary entry about my life. I was listening to the song What do the lonely do at Christmas and as I embark on the beginning of a new Christmas tradition or revisit an old one of being single for the Holidays I began to wonder how have YOU my readers coped with sudden change during holidays or anniversaries or birthday's? How did you change that day into something positive or less sad? What did you do different if you are suffering from a broken heart or what tradition did you keep if your are grieving a loss? I have a number of friends that are widows at very young ages and as Believers I know there is a great comfort in knowing your Loved one is celebrating in heaven and I must admit after reading Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo yesterday I am more convinced that what is waiting for us in heaven is so much greater than what we have here on earth; but we are human and we miss the important people in our life. So if this is your first holiday without someone that has been a constant in your life have you put together your plan for making it past this holiday? And if this is not the first time for you, maybe you can share the story of how you made it through that set of "First" and how you handle the holidays now in comparison to then? Maybe your testimony will help someone else who does not have a clue how they will survive this first set of holidays.

Life Apart

So we practiced life apart this weekend. I went away and my daughter stayed and yes I know this will happen in reverse in the next six months, it still served as a practice run. Of course I was apprehensive and I put her Uncle on the police stroll which I know I can't do once she goes to college. Well maybe...cause her Uncle will not mind making surprise visits to her dorm. Lol. Point is I know I have to loosen the rope little by little so that when the times comes I can let go. Whew I hope I have great friends around to keep the 1800 coming, just joking!! I'm going to make myself proud and show a huge smile. I promise to save the tears for once I drive away. If I pep talk myself from now to July we will be all good when its time to say goodbye!

The Other Side of Mommy

Today I gained a new respect for the other side of Mommy. I grew up with both my parents, so when I became a single parent I was resentful for having to do it all alone, for the two parent home my daughter would be missing. For the pain she experienced from having to split her life. Well today the other side of Mommy ; The Stay At Home Mommy opened my eyes. I use to view this as easy, but I now realize the great sacrifice. Stay At Home Moms defer or cancel their dreams to put the family first. Their schedule is built around everyone else with days that are just as full as the working Mother. While this day has been non stop from beginning to end and I'm must admit that it was exhausting; the reward gained from seeing everyone happy has to be what makes my sister's heart full. She makes stay At Home Mom look Good!!!

Playing Games

I'm sitting in the middle of a dodge ball game laughing at my niece, nephew and auntie throwing balls all around my head; while trying to beat my sister at electronic boogle. Me the word girl, losing at a word game. Laughing at my sister scream at her kids to cut it out. There is nothing more pleasurable than being with family. Sharing these casual moments make the best memories.

What I Deserve

Being deserving was a foreign concept to me just a year ago. I knew what I wanted; a full life, the best for my child, a love of my own that was respectful, faithful and kind. A relationship with the Lord, to be viewed as an adult with my family and wonderful quality people to round out my circle. And in no specific order which is why nothing was aligned. Stopping to develop a relationship with the Lord and then a love affair with yourself will open up your heart and attract positive energy into your life. I don't just Want anymore...I know that I Deserve as a child of God he doesn't want me to settle for mess when he created me to have the best!

Mommy Moment

I learned a long time ago in a women's group how important it is to identify the cause behind the emotion and  that will explain the reaction. Most anger is generated from fear, stress is the body's reaction to anxiety which is normally caused by fear as well. ... Okay I AM HAVING A MOMMY MOMENT and it is colliding with my daughter's need to be independent and my desire to keep her a child for as long as I can. My method is ending in defeat and that scares the crap out of me, since her logic makes the most sense. I wonder if my Mother's stomach ended up in knots each time we left? I remember how tight she held on the day I left to move to Georgia and I was way passed grown at that point; already on my own. Forgive me in advance I might have a few Mommy Moments over the next six months, okay for the rest of our lives. She is my one and only baby no matter how grown she thinks she is.

Gold

The center of the storm envelopes you like an old wool blanket scratching as it rubs against you, but in essence those scratches are to remove what's dead and needs to be peeled away. Working as an exfoliation for the mind, body and spirit, removing layer by layer. There is no greater therapy for the soul than finding your peace in the eye of the storm. A renewed spirit, you come out tougher, and brighter, a polished gem. Those moments in the trenches are like finding a gold mine; you couldn't appreciate how valuable you are until the struggle introduced you to your selfworth.

30 Days

Thirty more days to spend in my thirties God willing!! I've never been so excited to enter a different decade. My twenties found me burnt out from too much teen partying. My thirties were spent full of anxiety and fear; enough trouble to worry my Mother. My forties will be so different with God by my side. My mind restored, my broken heart and spirit mended, my sense of its too late lifted because now I know that lifes worth living. That I deserve the best and there is enough room for everyone to experience success. True I'm embarking on an empty nest, but that just gives me a new lease on life. I can follow my dreams; acting lessons or maybe the piano. I can work where I love and not just follow a paycheck. I can travel when I like or write when I want. I have to thank my therapist who challenge my pessimistic words of gloom about forty being close to the end with one question..."what will you do with the next forty?" I could continue as the walking dead or I could just live!!!

White Flag

I've tried to create "normal" for this past year. We've been through so many ups and downs that I figured if I could just hold on to something constant until the school year ends that I would have accomplished all that we needed. The reality of it all is I can't...the struggle is real and in order for me not to break something must give. For as much as it pains me I have to raise the white flag for the greater good.

Dating Should be Fun

Okay I called myself jumping into the dating pool yesterday and it started off as fun, I will admit. However somewhere during the evening it shifted and I realized my biggest mistake was reaching for something that was already behind me. I thought it would be less stressful to reconnect with someone from my past, but as the evening progressed I remembered exactly why the past has no future. We wanted to blame our previous lack of connection on timing, but I know that's untrue since time can't separate what's real. We never made it beyond our past due to personality conflicts. My mind keep SCREAMING after the shift...this should be FUN and EASY, but it felt too much like work. I cannot express how relieved I was for the evening to come to an end, but yet and still I needed the refresher course on not looking in the rear view mirror even if I got off that road years ago. It takes a lot for people to change and I've reached this space in my life where I'd rather you go be exactly who you are, as long as we are clear that I don't have to accept that.

The Flow

Today begins my lesson on going with the flow. As an "Overthinker" it is necessary for me to learn a few new behaviors. Today I'm trying "The Flow" on for size, I understand that just being in the moment can be a lot of fun! I said yes to a spontaneous road trip and this time its different because I don't carry around any guilt associated with moving on with my life. I stood still long enough asking WHY; now I'm just going with the FLOW!!