Healing...Alone is not lonely

So we have come to grips with the position we played in the life of the other party, now let's self evaluate why we accepted that role. If we are being honest we take responsibility for teaching others how to treat us. No it is not our fault if someone is a jerk, we can't change character flaws, but we can control how much of the negative treatment we accept. To little too late for this situation, but what an awesome teachable moment!!! No need to beat ourselves up, good people make bad decisions, but smart people learn from them and only accept great treatment going forward. Self esteem, self worth, self awareness all contribute to why we get comfortable in uncomfortable spaces. We stop loving us enough, so instead we trade alone moments for just ok moments convincing ourselves that we are lonely if we don't or as a wise women recently asked me, "is a piece of somebody better than nobody." NO, not at all because you give up so much of yourself overcompensating for all that they don't give, theoretically creating a relationship with yourself, because you are doing the work for both parties and that is exhausting and lonely. Being alone is exactly the best space to be right now. Take the time to take care of you, to love yourself again, to reconnect with old friends, create new hobbies and enjoy the quiet peace. Take the time to enjoy your own company that way you will never allow anyone to disrupt your happy space with their mess again.

Healing starts with accepting the facts

Healing begins the moment you accept that the hurt is there because you want to matter to someone but you don't. This sort of pain is not just between a husband and wife, but with people you hold dear that reduce your position in their life. That however is the key phrases "their life" we make the choice to accept people into our lives, parents make the choice to have children, but that doesn't mean they know how to be parents. We pick our friends, but that doesn't mean they will always be there and no one says I do, with the intention of one day sayng I don't. People change their minds everyday, does it suck? Of course, but the question becomes what do you choose to do with the pain left in your life and how long do you intend to hold on to it?

Saving my blog...

Yesterday I posted early in the day about not writing until I could refocus and then as I was brainstorming it hit me that currently pain is my emotion, but healing is the lesson, so I made all of these subcategories for future post on what for now will be labeled the healing series, subject to change. It has no end date at this moment because as I gathered my thoughts the pain extends far beyond my current catastrophe, so I will dig deep to expose the root cause. And to ensure my suffering is not in vain I will share my lesson and growth. I would love some Q & A, of course feedback and personal experiences are always welcome. I just know that for years my book has been on pause because I refuse to tell a victims story, well the same with my blog. Yes I will always keep it raw because truth only comes from that which is wide open, but I owe all of us so much more than just another sad love song. We need to learn how to progressively turn the dial until we catch an upbeat tune. My daily devotion from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young instructed me to "stop trying to work things out before their time", so me pushing my blog away until I could push the pain away was my way of trying to fast forward the hurt, which is dangerous because if I skip through it too fast I might make two huge mistakes, one go back or two try to pick again and end up with a carbon copy. Instead I will find comfort in today's scripture (Ecclesiates 3:1 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.) This is my trying time, my season of pain for it is only during the trial that I really grow. Thank you Cara I didn't think I could love another bible since I've had mines for 21 years, but I absolutely love my new bible!!!!

Silence my next option...

Tired of waking up screaming, thinking of putting my pecial down until I learn to use the eraser. Tired of this all consuming hurt, feels like I'm stuck on replay with no stop or fast forward button. Wanted to give some much more with my topics, but paralyzed by my self hurt. Cheating my readers and my dream, I apologize for being so blue. I wanted to be that light of hope during dark times, but I'm broken and fragile I can't pick up that S to demonstrate success in spite of. I may need to stop and regroup because if I can't change the topic silence is my next option.

Before God

You make a list, you check it twice and then old father time starts to play with your mind. Reminding you that you've been alone for far too long, that chances are you will need to get a cat. Check out some retirement homes, learn to play bridge and bingo...I - 29!!!! In an effort to beat the clock you revise the list, now it includes an "if I must column" relabeling unacceptable to oh its just a minor compromise. Knowing good and well that's a major deal breaker. Now you find that you've settled out of fear for a life of misery. This sensitive area has you dodging God. Did you even stop to pray? Probably not or maybe just a drive by dear father make it all better since I've made this mess. Subconsciously you know that you've gotten before God, now what must you do, break those vows accepting that you were never truly united since you failed to consult God. A life apart because you never equally walk. How can you expect a blessing when you didn't put God first .

Truth freedom

We always hear that the truth will set you free; well even the most honest person may leave out some of the details, but when you are welcome in a non judgemental environment it gives you the safe space to tell it all. There is nothing greater than truth freedom. Everyone has a version but this was about so much more than the story, its about the pain left behind that allows you to keep rewriting the lie. Not lie as in what you say, lie as in what you believe. Well today was just the beginning of unmasking the truth. God made me so much more than what I've always been told.

Sad

It's not one day at a time, its one second, one breath, one movement. It has been an incredibly hard four days. It seems as if many people I know are on edge. I blame the change of the season. Spring marks the beginning of new life and it's difficult when watching what you love die as everything else begins to bloom. It's exhausting trying to put a positive spin on everything, I know how gloom this will sound, but I think sometimes you must accept being sad and take the time to mourn your dreams deferred, happy ever after postponed.

Lord I can't reach...

Where do you go when you can't reach for God? I'm reading the scriptures, accepting the prayers even crying out Lord help me find a way. I know you're near and I understand that you will never forsake me. I get that you don't violate my will and I've accepted you in my life, but my arms are too short right now, I can't reach. My tongue tied prayers unclear, mind cloudy. My heart Lord I'm trying to keep open and soft. I'm talking but I hear nothing except the loud noise in my head. I know they say you don't take us to it if you can't bring us through it. I don't even understand why I've reached this low, but I need you to know that I still believe.

My self-esteem needs a make over

I've spent my life proving that I'm more than my pretty brown eyes and big ole thighs. Please look at my smile and respond before reacting to my behind. And now here I am battling feeling worthless because of your selfish departure. Broken by the blatant disregard, can't spare fifteen minutes on a proper goodbye. My need for closure has me exposing the ugly side of my self esteem. It's not that the goodbye wasn't heard with every lie or maybe it came from the other woman's voice, you know the vow disbeliever or in the pain facing your blame for being a non conceiver. Goodbye has come in many different languages all translated to pain or shame, doubt and insecure. So I cry and stumble as the foundation crumbles. Disappointed because who wants to get over another broken heart. Fearful not of falling in love again, but of falling out and having to revisit this process again. All I hear is pray, Lord forgive me if I can't make it to my knees, I'm stuck on this floor wondering why I wasn't enough. My self esteem is in need of a make over because my mind is working double time trying to teach my heart that love is patient and kind, that it keeps no records of wrong and does not have motives that include selfish or greed. So the mind is fighting an uphill battle confused on how this was love. Smart enough to know that what's damaged comes from deep inside and as that phrase goes that sounds like fingernails across the chalk board, "work on you" this is where the make over begins.

Why is my Black your Crime?

Trayvon Martin need I say more? No not really and while we are speaking loud, Sanford is still not hearing. While this one is making national news, truth be told this is just a continuation of living black everyday. When did the color of my skin or my fashion apparel make me your criminal? Beyond that who made you judge, jury and God to conclude that my hood meant my life was no good? Why are your personal complexes the reason my family grieves? What gave you the right to approach, let alone bother me? When is it safe to send our teenage boys to the store; oh not in your neighborhood our travels restricted but obviously safe only at the ghetto stores? Let me guess your children don't walk to buy skittles and ice tea? Why did you see me as black instead of just a kid about to enjoy my candy? Did my sweet tooth make my life worth taking? My greatest question now that my dreams have been silenced; would others have to cry out for justice if I was your white teenage son and his shooter a black man?

My Acquaintances make me a better Friend!!

Making friends as an adult is seemingly hard if not impossible. Life offers very few friends, but many acquaintances. What I've learned is friends may be tired for you, but don't get tired of you. Friends stop and make the time while acquaintances make excuses. Friendship is a give and take, but no one is keeping score of who gave more and they not only recognize but understand when you have none to give. Acquaintances start off strong like a new relationship; you quickly share a lot bonding over like problems normally to learn that was the ONE thing you had in common. Friends feelings aren't easily hurt because they recognize that your pain is cutting you so close, why add unnecessary guilt to your plate. Friends don't take it PERSONAL, because they know that when it's their turn you'll be a true friend indeed. Acquaintances come and go, great for that season. I've learned the value in those that just pass by, leaving small deposits good or bad and withdrawing only the parts they needed. This doesn't necessarily make them selfish or evil, just temporary. Doesn't make me sad or mad just helps me appreciate more the true friends I have. Thank you to all that only stop by and hugs and love to those who stay for life and love me back, flaws and all.

Couch Talk

A conversation with a friend that I've labeled my therapist lead me to understand what I would like to be when I grow up. It also made me melancholy and frustrated that our culture of men have been taught at large to drown in their own emotions. Leading to either shutting down or getting fired up. Why does it have to be a sign of weakness for men to have couch talk; who are they allowed to be completely transparent with? Not their guy friends who may think it's a joke, not their girlfriends who will think they are too soft. Daddy says boy toughen up, mommy says boy you better not be acting like no girl. We tell our boys to take it like a man, while we run to rescue our girls. Who saves our men? Who do they turn to for a hug?

She doesn't have any friends...

She doesn't have any friends is a phrase commonly used when a woman is inappropriately dressed and no one cared enough to say baby please don't do that, well my question becomes what happen to the family? They say it takes a village, but long gone are the days when the neighbor corrected your children, because too many parents are opting out for the friend role and thinking the outfits and alcohol are cute. We live in a digital age in which recruiters review your profiles and status before considering you as a candidate. How I would love to hold a crystal ball to the future, remember that fortune 500 goal, you just blew it with that last curse word. No ones taking away your freedom of speech, but we all know freedom comes with a price. Your social media feeds may be super cool in the eyes of your homegirl/guy, but that momentary popularity will also be the office joke tomorrow when you go knocking at opportunities door. The alcohol and weed, curse words and nakedness are So unattractive. Our youth obviously have no friends, so we must activate the village strong enough to say STOP IT.

Laughed so hard my face hurts

Whoever said laughter's good for the soul was on to something. Laughter's good from my head to my toes; laughed so much my face hurts!! A weekend filled with an abundance of love and joy. Beautiful new people, places and exciting new spaces. Celebrating as I opened my eyes, heart and mind to the world inside of me bursting at the seams to get out and live!! I feel like T.I. "balled so hard my ankle hurts" or that could have just been those banging 4" heels, but for every aching body part a happy memory makes it worth the sheer exhaustion!! Happy an understatement, elated a more accurate adjective!! How else can you explain being brought back to life. Thank you Lord for the chance to begin again!!

A little "peace"of heaven

Nothing like a breath taking view to clear your mind; city lights to ignite your soul all just from standing at the patio door. This view from above slows your heartbeat, while increasing your pulse. Take a deep breath and then exhale slowly. A room with a view that's not just a piece of heaven, but peacefully heaven. Capturing all of God's energy with this exotic beauty. This moment suspended in time, let's not rush beyond just this view. I'm looking at the world smiling back at me. Massive but not intimidating. I'm ready for all that God planned for me. This is just the preview!!!

Life List

My goal today was to find an energetic spot for dinner with my beautiful cousin, who is in town for the weekend. Mission accomplished the moment our waitress opened her mouth we knew this should be fun. It was dessert however at a more savvy spot; lights dim, out of the ordinary art and just enough noise with a lazy cozy type service that lead to the question what would it be called if you did not make a bucket list, but planned the things to do to live. What would you name that list? Quick to respond, I say it would be participating in life instead of just living it, but that's not quite right. A mouthful, too many words. Whatever the name the question demands an answer what's on your to live list and how do you begin? I realize that there is so much more to life than a 9-5 and I'm not knocking it if that's what makes you thrive, but I need something more and I'm not sure if that comes with slowing down or speeding up. A couple friend attended the President's event at Tyler Perry's tonight and it makes me wonder how some live the fullest life while others only exist? And if you are stuck in mediocre is it possible to push for greater. What would it take to begin to live? I'm not completing this thought because I need a short time to process it myself, but I know for sure that with each next step I will only be moving to live!

Dont ask about me, Ask Me!

Do you ever wonder why people ask about you, instead of just asking you. The same effort it takes to dial another person's number is the same pleasure they would have taken to give you first hand information. Accurate information at that because no one knows you better than you. Others will up play your pain and down play your gains. Look at the end of the day nobody knows me better than me, so if you would like to know ASK ME!!!

Control your own power

I posted today that when people think they have control over you, eliminate the things that give them power. It hit me like a ton of bricks just this morning, because I've been trying to control my sanity through silence. Logically it made sence to talk only when necessary to avoid additional conflict, but what little that is left to say becomes very necessary to those that aren't finished talking. Well the only way to end the conversation especially over this small stuff is to get rid of the power and in my case the business of it all isn't that large, but for peace of mind at this point I would let it all go. People harass you only when they know they can, but if I willingly resolve all of those issues, anything beyond that is them just being an Ass. I started this post before the sun came up this morning and then got busy with the day. I went to rent a car and there stood this lady in gucci loafers and expensive shades, well put together, I assume she's paid. Never judge a book, I rode with the employee to drop this lady off and she said to her surprise the husband she's divorcing dropped her insurance, so he's pist to be paying out of pocket to get her Lexus fixed. That she's taken a hostess position, living penny to paycheck but she's free and that's the best way to be. I love confirmation, she gave up the fancy house and all his financial security, 24 years of the power struggle to take back her own. You can't tell me that peace of mind is worth nothing, if you're willing to leave it all behind. Trust me its priceless to gain your power back.

Comfortable Dysfunction

Even with the best intentions some people just can't do better. It hurts to hold on, but you're scared to let go because for so long it's the only way you've known. I'm speaking in reverse defining what I see because where you are is who I use to be. Let me set the record straight; there is nothing worse than blocking the exit door when you know you have no home to share. My heart aches as I see you struggle to keep up the fight when the battle is over. Dysfunction being your safety zone, you frantically push searching for the usual response; totally dismayed when it does not come, since drama is your only comfortable space. Everybody's picking on you or your so misunderstood. Maybe the world owes you something, since when did goodbye come with a price? Why must one bid for freedom when you've both had enough. Wouldn't it be nice to have a peaceful goodbye.

Momma's baby...

Chatting with my daughter's father as we often do, we charted into sensitive territory not taking any love away from him and this is so not an ex husband, baby daddy bashing session. I write from my vantage point, but I never close my mind to the fact that many men live this life too. With that said Momma's baby, daddy's maybe is less about DNA and all about the responsible party always finding a way. I've been half baked for days as my mother would say when I wasn't feeling well, but today I had to turn that half baked into a full course meal because my daughter is sick. As a mother I don't have the luxury of saying maybe later, I have to get er done by hook or crook. Through the tears and pain, backache or headache, lay off or overdraft my job doesn't include NO or I got you later. While blessings flow and I know where my help cometh from, my daughter only see's mommy I need. This is not about the extravagant items; this is about a place to sleep, something to eat, clothes and shoes. And well today climbing in my lap saying mommy I'm sick, with no fear because she knew somehow I'd make it all better. I praise God because I can't wait until tomorrow to fix today's problems. Somehow he continues to see us through, my car has been down for a week, my budget drained and that taxi ride made me believe I'd taken a New York trip, but still I DID, because Mothers DO. I'm a MOTHER I don't get the option of maybe.

The Choice

I met an elderly man years ago, he was bagging groceries and because of my passion for the elderly my heart immediately ached too see him working at such an age. As if he could read my mind he struck up a conversation and he said we make the choice everyday to be happy or not. It's just that easy he said. I come in here daily after I've decided to be happy. I couldn't help but smile, because life was made simple by just one choice. An attitude adjustment to accept what must be and still smile, to have an inner peace that allows you to be happy. I'm beginning to understand why we must rejoice in the middle of a storm. Why we are charged with saying thank you. Why the beauty of the blue sky gives us hope after the rain. How the sun rises after the night's dark sky. What a waste if we didn't wake and the last memory we left was sullen because we failed to make just one choice to be happy.

Foolish

A spontaneous road trip with an old friend, music trivia, easy conversation and lots of laughs. A few things I've learned today is that we all are going through something and many of our life struggles parallel. When you take the time to listen to others you see so clearly how foolish you are. I know everyone believes they have to live it, but the smart are those that are content with learning the lesson through another's experiences. I don't need to burn my hand on the stove to be sure it hurts, I believe you! It's the same with people flags, we've experienced enough of the same circumstances to identify when something's bad. We don't need to make it all the way to hurt if we heed the signs. We should trust our intuition and live by the fool me once motto. It's not necessary to let people continue to show you who they are, as Dr. Maya would say believe them the first time, that way you'll never make it to fool me twice.

What's most important

A renewed spirit is what a good night's sleep will get you. What taking a step back and wrapping your head around the reality of your life situations will help compartmentalize the various conditions; allowing you to categorize them from top to bottom or left to right. Important to why have I bothered to give that much energy to something so unimportant for so long. I end all of my emails with a quote about being a priority and not an option and after pushing disheartment aside, long enough to focus I question how I forgot to make me the option. You teach people how to treat you based on how you view your self worth. This is not a sad day for me, it has been a day of action and some serious reflection and surprised blessings. It has nothing to do with others and all to do with self. I grew today and that is one step in a positive direction. I saw life passed the pain all because I took the time to rest.

Sleep

Have you ever been so mentally tired that your body just wanted to shut down. I will never forget joining this women's group and the leader would have us talk about whatever our event was and the first question would be so how did that make you feel physically. Did the angry reaction give you a headache, or did the sorrow make your stomach ache. How about tension in your back or neck. For every emotion there is a physical reaction and for every trigger there is something deeper behind it. Using me as the example. I'm going through a heartbreak, but we all know physically that my heart is not literally breaking, however the pain that I'm feeling is not about a bad relationship ending. It is about being rejected and abandoned. It is about my broken dreams of forever after, my fear of starting over or even messing up again. It's about convincing myself of my self worth. So physically with all of that mentally running through my head my current response is fatigue. I have the best booster club, love and support, but at the end of the night its just me. Do you know that it takes energy just to stay in the tired state, because you have to be that tired to be done and then after you've figure out the best way to sort the rest of the mess, you're exhausted. I see why people often leave with nothing because they'd rather just have peace of mind. Well if you can't get peace at least you can get sleep. Good night followers.

Mercy

Sitting in my garage the truck won't start again, I'm grateful to have one situation resolved at least; despite the million more I see. I took this moment to pause for God's mercy is covering me. The enemy is a joke and just when he thinks he had convinced me that I was out, God reminds him and me that down is not out. Foul maybe, but as long as I have life I'm still not defeated. Funny how people think they have a hold on you, God steps in to see who your faith belongs to. My cousin has said all day when God opens a window jump out of it. What I hear in her statement is trust God to not only catch you, but to stand you up straight and move you in the right direction. Lord I praise and thank you for this moment of mercy!

Lord can i just vent...

Dear Readers, I must warn you that I'm stuck somewhere between pist off and sad. It's been one of those days; the car stalled four times, my maybe Ex decided it's easier to kick me while I'm down, his new tagline is we owe each other nothing. Amazing how convenient that becomes just at my time of need, but I'll let karma deal with that as he's walking to the door. And to top it all off I accidentally hurt a dear friend indeed. Today I must put on my big girl panties and believe that God has this handled. I know my trials don't sound like tragedies when there are posters of missing children or a mother planning to bury her son. That husband who just lost his wife or people with less to eat than me, cold in the street. So how dare I complain, oh Lord can I just vent for a little while? I understand that you assign the strong to carry the burden. That you already know who will break under pressure and who will build a stronger character. But if I may admit that I grow weary some days. Two and half hours of tears today I shed because I see an explosive snow ball effect if you don't come through. However, I can't hurry my blessing maybe it's too soon, I might miss the rest of the lesson. I'm glad they taught us to kneel as we pray, my shoulders to full for standing anyway. All I can say is but God as I fall. I guess that's what the view from rock bottom is about after all. For the women and men stronger than me, thank you for being the blessing I see. I've watched God hold you, so I know he's got me.

Participating in my Bucket List

I found myself in church Friday night making my bucket list. The service was engaging and it wasn't out of disrespect it was just the topic that put me in a place of exploration. My daughter has talked about her list for some time now and I listen with admiration of her expectation to participate in her life and not just live it. I've penned the participation phrase for a number of years, but I continue to let circumstances interfer, instead of living like Nike. We are more than willing to dream the dream, share the dream and some go as far as to plan the dream, but only a few turn that dream into reality. Don't just make the list without setting in motion how your will accomplish each item because if the list just sits nestled between your bible pages it turns into a wish. Stop using the money excuse if you pass up a few handbags for more passport stamps, or cheeseburgers for piano lessons. You will find that making the smaller sacrifice will leave big X's on your bucket list. As Morgan Freeman so eloquently put it, "you can either get busy living or get busy dying." We are all certain to die, it's our choice to not just live in the mean while, but to participate in our life!!!

Organizing my blog

I've been walking around all day with words in my head, topic after topic trying to organize what to say, so I've decided to talk about just that. Rarely do I share something prepared, normally my topics are emotion driven or related to an experience for the day or something I'm just learning the lesson for even if the event has passed. Some of it is me just being silly for the day or lazy, but my goals are to reach one, teach one by sharing my life with transparency. Topics I feel strongly about are following your dreams, domestic violence, the elderly and poor, weight loss and gracefully moving past a broken heart and that's not just with men, it could be a best friend, a family member or your child(ren). We experience that pain on many different levels, a break up, a break down, abandonment or death. My purpose is to grow daily, my story is not different from many others. I've been beat, raped, cheated on and left. On the flip side I've abused with my words and left some myself. I've tried marriage twice and I'm scared as hell of watching it fail again, because I begin to question what aren't I doing right. I don't find anything cute about saying I've been divorced twice. I guess that's why I've held on to something dead for so long, but guess what that rotten smell begins to make you sick and you find yourself just revisiting the same ole' hurt. I've tried to say ok I'll organize my blog in days. Sunday spiritual, but I go to Friday service, Fat Tuesday why not since they gave Fat it's on day, how about relationship Wednesday or Elderly Thursday? I could take questions or suggestions but honestly to be an authentic me. I find that some event, conversation, song, email or even argument is how my topics begin. Just by living life, I begin to write.

Missing Family

Today I miss my family, wish I was close enough to pass by my parents and crawl next to Mom in her king size bed watching my Grandfather's favorite western just to keep memories of him close or I could hang in the kitchen beating Dad at backgammon. How loud would it be if it was brother, auntie, sissy and me all of us fighting over who would pick up food, unless sissy had us covered cause we know she can burn. Family and friends all showing up in turn to continue the fun. Pick your poison or bring your own we don't mind drinking ours and yours! The grandchildren running the house because our parents lose their minds when it comes to our kids. They can run, jump and scream without so much as a fuss. They can demand food other than what was cooked or turn Dad's tv channel without him saying a word. Spoiled an understatement, its nothing but love. I miss my family today, I wish I was close.

Excited Now

I returned to church tonight and I must admit it's been quite awhile. I didn't return to God because our relationship goes beyond the church doors, it is intimate so I don't need to wait for Friday night worship or Sunday morning service to praise God. After the giving was done the music ministry came and the director talked about how you can tell your child that you are going to chuckie cheese or six flags or for us closer to the north Cedar Pointe and how they get excited right then, they don't wait to get excited because they are already anticipating something great to come. What a joy it would be if we were already excited because we know as God's children something great is coming even if it's nothing but entering glory!!! How blessed we would be if we replaced our drinks or drugs, our happy pills with just God, how about we let the love of Jesus cure our pains or heal our hearts. What wouldn't God do to console our sorrow. Why isn't that enough to already be excited about. A wonderful thing Pastors wife said tonight as she reminded us all that we don't need applause, or to wait for others to say job well done. It's not our money or fame or lack thereof, it is only because God made the sacrifice of Jesus blood in order to exchange his coat of righteousness for our dirty one and that is enough to stay excited about. So as I blog don't ever confuse sadness for depression or tired for defeated because I know whose child I am and weeping don't last always; so I'm no longer waiting before I get excited about what God plans to come!!!! I'm excited NOW!!!!

My fight with Sasha

Well I entered Sasha into a fight today against 13 other opponents, but I'm not scared. Up for the challenge Sasha's owner is ready to make some moves. Watch her climb the mountain and hike the trails. Protein shakes replace the cakes, oh no not another salad plate. The stakes are high but its not just the dollar amount, it's about taking my figure back. Size 10 might due, but an 8 sounds great. Right below the double digits what a treat. Even though the multi-opponent fight only last 12 weeks, I know that once their beat; I will spend a lifetime battling Sasha. My goal is to keep her busy, I'm sure moving daily will piss her off but exercise is what she needs and as if it wasn't enough to take her Mt. Dew she might try to fight back once she begins to miss her sweets. All I can promise at the end of the fight Sasha will admire my bikini body!!!