Yellow Balloons

The funeral was today, and while we grieve with sorrow; it too was a site to marvel! Out on the field was a concert crowd. People dressed in his favorite yellow, picture perfect like a field of dandelions. Songs that were written just for him, the theme of today was just smile. Story after story of a hero's climb. Their wedding song resung out stood one line, "only death can tear us apart." As the Pastor spoke he recalled the family hoping for their happy ending; little did they know that being welcome home by God was better overall. His wife and children watch the first balloon go, followed by countless yellow balloons that filled the sky. Jay's gone home but rest assure by the number that came to say goodbye, he lives on. As the yellow balloons dance across the sky, you could hear his signature line "yeah baby!" Thank you Coach Jay for living such a graceful life.

Sign my casket

Well life has shown me that it only takes a moment for it all to change. Again my topic for the day switched after leaving the visitation for Coach Jay, former PE teacher of my daughter. Is a viewing suppose to be cool? Well it was, the serene aura surrounding his wife, the family dressed in his favorite soccer yellow and signature crocs. All of us sending a piece of love to heaven with him as we signed the casket. His son with the duplicate Mohawk playing with the soccer ball. This is love. A close friend of the family wrote about Coach Jay using his facebook to inspire others from his daily devotional and while some are so busy destroying their marriage, he was busy demonstrating how easy it is to do the opposite. The smile captured in the digital presentation was infectious, but this I already knew as I was honored to be touch by the God like life he lived. We would like to question why so soon, especially when the work he's done was so good, but God said it was great, well done now welcome home. Maybe that is the lesson that the good die young, but you would say that about a loved one from still born to 101. Our earthly minds cannot comprehend why our friend is gone, but a love for God explains it all. We often hear that it is not how you die, but how you lived. I believe that it is how you served and at the end of the day I would love to have people standing in line to sign my casket in such a special way.

SASHA is moving!!!!

Those close to me already know Sasha, tonight the rest of you are just in time to say goodbye. Sasha lives in me, she's been around longer than Bey's alter ego and trust me she is not a stage turn on. She moved in part time November of 1995. A little after my daughter reached six months. My mom introduced us one day on a shopping trip for my Thanksgiving outfit. Back then it was Wiklemans and Learners and I tried on almost everything, with no luck and Mother patiently handed me one size to the next until finally she'd pacified me enough. We stood outside my favorite regular size store when she pointed next door and these were her exact words. "Baby you're fat, now you can either do something about it or you can shop over here in the big girl store." It was the holiday so I had no choice, but that began the end of going to the stores. It was easy for me, I've never liked the mall. When I needed to look decent I'd just call Mom. I stopped looking in the mirror neck down, denial allowed Sasha to move in full time. Well she isn't cute, she pays no bills, she eats me out of house and home and its time she move. I don't care if she moves to the treadmill, or stairs, maybe she'll drown in the pool, but Sasha (my fat) is no longer welcome here. Don't get me wrong big is beautiful if you wear it well, confidence in tack as long as it does not lead to a heart attack. However, at 5'3 Sasha is suffocating me and I choose to breathe. This is what I must do for ME!!!

Bad Guy

Every ending has to have a bad guy, WHY? When there is a no fight left in goodbye. No need for word play, but if you need a villain in this horror story, I guess somehow that's me. Funny how, I wasn't laying between the sheets of your bad choices. Nor could you silence the voices, for when a conscious rises there are no surprises. Simple fact we are way past who done who wrong, but it seems everyone needs a bad guy. I didn't realize we mutually agreed it was me. Lord forgive me that I couldn't turn a deaf ear to the infidelity; I disagree! I'm sorry that you don't understand why I could not pretend that I didn't see. Refusing to take one for the team while waiting for your indiscretions to pass. I find no comfort in figuring out how long this pain might last. Well I guess when you're way past gone and the other person sees no wrong; you gladly sing blame it on me. Seems every ending needs a bad guy, I understand that it's to difficult for you to look in the mirror, so I'll be the bad guy. Goodbye!

ENOUGH

I had an entirely different topic for today, but I've spent the last twelve hours in this international text battle with one of my closet friends and all I can scream is enough!!! I love her so much and her safety and well being are priority number one, but before any of that can happen she has to take her power back. Sad thing is, I'm preaching to the choir. I'm the queen of it's the most logical solution until it comes to practicing what I speak. Now I understand what my mother means by nobody can get to enough but you. People can give you the best advice in the world, but until you have reached your breaking point it all sounds like Charlie Brown and its twice as hard for people to listen to you when they don't see you living by your words. I'm a firm believer that advice comes from one of two spaces in the lives of those that give it. Those that have applied it and learned from it and those that wish they were brave enough to follow it. What I've learned today is it's easier to be a better friend to others than it is to be your own best friend. I say ENOUGH!

When it rains, it pours.

Normally I have a positive spin on a pessimistic metaphor, but today it really did both, rain and pour. The day started with Greedy (my pet name for my truck) not starting again. She has given me one headache after another for the past three weeks, but got to love her and by the grace of God she finally cranked. Only for the stomach ache of yesterday to turn into mother nature delivering a swift drop kick to me. As if that wasn't enough, I make it to the office finally and they are painting again. I must be the punchline of a bad joke. I'm allergic so everything else begins to slowly fall apart, the sneezing, the itching, the breathing. I must get out of here, but I have so much work to do. Home I return choosing oxygen over income as I snuggle on the couch listening to the external storm brew outdoors, for once the weather matches my mood. Allowing my body to set the pace, gingerly shutting down my mind. I reluctantly succumb accepting the force of my current position. I must rest, leaving stress behind taking this time to let the rain pour rejuvenation into my soul. Let the sun come out tomorrow, but today let's take a break in the rain.

Better version of me

The devil came to fight today and I allowed him going round for round. At the end of each three minute bout; one of us alternating the victors spot. Exhausted by the mental exertion it takes to reduce oneself to the devils lot. Disappointed in myself for allowing rage to drive the character out of me; as I watch the better version of me shift so comfortably into the monster I use to be. I hurt as stumble off of my love walk, watching all of my work crumbled with every poisonous shout. Beating you down on the verbal playground did not give me strength. I gained no power by slaying your masculinity. Ashamed and wondering how did I allow myself to be taken there? Yes you were aggressive; but I wasn't fearful, maybe it was my refusal to be intimidated, but what did I gain? A fist full of tears and increased fears that I can't stay true to the better version of me. Praying to God that I want to be more like him, thanking him as he accepts my repentance, forgiving me for I am only human. Regaining my focus ever so slowly, listening as the word says this will get worse before it gets better, but if you put your trust in me, you will have no need to ever enter the devils arena.

WOW

That moment in which you have nothing more to say. Stuck between speechless and unbelievable. That once I get over the shock I might have to open a can of whoop ass. If you were not paralyzed by the ridiculousness of this situation you would have to pray your Hail Mary's, while wondering what the H. WOW... leaves you shaking your head, laughing at yourself because you invited this mess. The joke is on you, the unsuspecting soul and all you did was open your front door. My emotions are so stuck tonight that my body is numb, while my mind is racing, but I will remain a classy lady.

It's just Business

The day after the big 'D' (decision that is), you are required to separate the emotions from the business. How do we begin to untangle the years we've built; breaking it down brick by brick placing one on each side of the fence. One for me, one for you until we both end up with a huge pile of broken promises, disappointments and fading memories. Our entire future fell apart due to a lack of compromise. Selfish came rolling through like a powerful storm, destroying all of our dreams while we angrily watch; each believing their pain to be greater. Nevertheless no more time for sorrows, pull up your big kid undies and separate the emotions, because after all it's just business.

The long goodbye

I've taken many different directions with my blog over the last few weeks trying to find my path, but what I'm realizing is life doesn't have GPS and some days you turn with the road and others you end up hanging near the cliff - tires spinning, wheel turning but still headed for a crash. Yesterday I went to an amazing wedding and while I was smiling on the outside, I was crying on the inside as my personal relationship goes through the long goodbye. Living on life support for all of these years; occasionally remembering how to breath all the while praying for God to either bring it back to life or heal me completely. Its been a very long time since I've believed in happily ever after. I'm in this space in which peace would be my greatest achievement. I know that the pain of one final goodbye doesn't last as long as the suffering you endure with the long goodbye. Stuck somewhere between comfortable and fear; you realize that you've stayed way past the expiration date and now you wonder why you always feel sick. Be it sick and tired, sick emotionally or physically, saying goodbye everyday is draining. Looking through someone and not seeing them or talking at them instead of to them slows your heart beat more everyday. Toni Morrison wrote, "Anything dead coming back to life can only hurt."

Well it hurts and now I would just like the road to healing to begin. I am making my u-turn now taking the journey back to me, determined that as I start from the beginning 'which is me' that I will not pick up bitterness and resentment on the way, I am driving a two seater and there is no room for anyone but joy on this ride. I cannot promise that there will not be days with flat tires or a dead battery, but there is no need for roadside assistance, because if I don't learn how to change those issues as they arise, I will always depend on someone else to come along for the ride. So here we go blog family as I begin my final goodbye.

My roadside prayer: Lord give me the strength to make this long ride, the vision to see on the foggy days, the patience to enjoy the detours. The happiness as new things come into view and the peace once you've allowed me to leave this road. I trust you Lord!

In love with the past

My Present is in love with the past. Certain with every disagreement that where you've been is better than where you're at. Replaying all of the happy moments because it's easier to pretend that the past use to be perfect. Selective amnesia allowing you to forget that the past didn't make it into the present because it too use to drive you crazy; but my feelings you can hurt while busy chasing that ghost. Your good time only friend, a play thing. Not to be taken seriously because the past retreats to its position once your require an unconditional commitment. This unbelievable situation makes me question how can you give me a future if you're in love with the past??

The Life of a Liar

Every time you lie a piece of me dies. There can't be an us with lack of trust. You have no respect for the truth or any of its components. Truth the prerequisites for trust, the foundation for hope and dreams that holds the house in which love lives, but none of it matters when you'd

rather make believe that your lies don't matter.

Disillusioned by your illusion to be someone or some thing other...
disappointed by who you really are.

Sad and drained because trying to remember who you pretend is exhausting,

puzzled by the fact that you have not grown past make believe.

I wonder how hard it is to live the life of a liar.

The Pretend Wife

By self admission she is a hood rat, never had a thing.
 Unhappy in her own plight. Striving to be wifey,
when in reality she is only lifey and I don't mean longevity.
I mean thank you for making my life easier
 because he knows she'll do whatever it takes to keep him.

His personal cheerleader glad to sing the wife gone wrong song. See what she will never understand is that this here is detailed; a road map of emotions paved with love and hate, tears and fears, pain and joy. Building, breaking and rebuilding, this here is not just her fault.
What she keeps forgetting is this is about a fight between a husband and his wife
and she the other woman that is - knows nothing about being his hopes and dreams,
just happy with a temporary contract on his team.

She would like to call herself girlfriend at best, but even that label holds far too many nice connotations and friend of girls she is not, because she forgot that while this husband is wrong;

 he can only do his dirt because she opted to be his second choice.

Side Note:

Ladies stop becoming comfortable in the role of the other woman and please stop pretending that you received a prize because she must have been slippin' in order for you to end up in this position, trust me if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Do you value yourself so little that you would settle for someone else's man? People cannot do what you don't allow them to and if we loved being a woman first, we would embrace that bond of sisterhood and never ever want to see one of us hurt because you put a man first.

And fellows I say all of this in reverse, women honor your man and stop creeping with his brotherfriend.

No one ever has to be hurt by a cheater; be adult enough to just be single.

I love LOVE

Sitting in a public place admiring this expecting couple, how the husband affectionately brushes up against her stomach, while asking if the sales person would look for this item in his
wife's favorite color. A man of few words speaking volumes all for the woman he loves.

I love LOVE

Happy Birthday to you they sing, warming the hearts of all the patrons watching the little smile grow as she feels like a princess because all of these strangers
joined together to celebrate her existence.

I love LOVE

Across the office you hear the happiness in her tone as you realize the other end of the phone is her love; her voice drops but her laugh lines deepens as he speaks of pending dinner plans.

I love LOVE

The moment after just meeting and in between the next time you will see one another;

 the beat that your heart skips when that special persons ring tone jingles your phone.

I love LOVE

The laughter you share with your sister or favorite sistafriend,
 the comfort you feel from your  father's embrace or your mother's wise words.

I love LOVE

The look given by your child the moment you chase the closet ghost from under the bed and out of her head as she peacefully rest into a secure slumber because you are her hero.

I love Love

The moment you understand with all of your soul that you love by choice and not by force;

the happy memories you've made because your heart knows that love only brings joy!

I love LOVE

You made your bed...now smile

Well if you are anything like me you've made some serious mistakes, some unavoidable and you found out too late that oops that hurt, others you wish you could hit pause or rewind mid-stream. Regardless to how you found yourself in this mess, now you have to make a choice. Live with it or Live through it. Living with it means you have become comfortable with bed sores and have zero desire to change positions. You will just lie in your pitifull state, waiting for someone to come turn you. Sad part is that even if they turned you away from the wall to the window you would never notice the view. Living through it means buying the neospirin to clean the infection out and the bandaid to cover it not just so that you heal, but to protect you from the dirt that would like to set up residence. It means accepting the scar that will remain as a growth mark. A reminder that you learned from the fall and from now on you will side step that path. Most importantly that you embrace the mistake and never categorizes it as regret. A few things that I've found to be true; we need the sad times to grow so that we can enjoy the happy times. Now go change those sheets!!!! And smile!!!!

Adult Conversations

Adult conversations begin and end with an understanding even if its only that we agree to just disagree. They are conducted with mutual respect and words are spoken with kindness even if they must be a little tough. The best adult conversations are those that leave you smiling and relaxed because they are shared with others that would just like to chat. Temper tantrums are not allowed; nor language that is foul.

The settings are not assigned because adult conversations cannot be defined by a cocktail in hand nor from the stiletto's you wear; they can take place sipping tea in your bathrobe or from soup can to soup can closing the distance between you and an old friend.

Adult conversations I once found rare, but with each passing day I find that if I open my ear I will hear the pleasure of an adult standing near. See when you've open your heart to try something new, you find that many long to share just like you!

Everybody's picking on me

As I grow up and away from the victim mentality I find myself less tolerant of those that take up residence in this selfish state of mind. Professional victims are just "Takers" that wallow in their misery hoping to suck you in and if they fail to gain your alliance by just crying or whining then they go on the attack hoping to back you in a corner.

Problem with this is when you have packed your bags and the moving truck is in the driveway; you find yourself with gloves raised and fist swinging, fighting to never return to this lecherous state of mind of "everybody is picking on me."

Unfortunately you can't force others to move out when you do, each person is responsible for packing their own bags or if they are brave enough they will run from this place of sorrow leaving the bags behind for fear that they may bring this torturous mind set with them.

Instead of screaming that everybody is picking on you, lets keep it real and admit that everybody is just sick of you! And now they are waiting for you to get sick of YOU too.

Decided

The outsider looking in..surrounding by people in an empty room. Excluded, not by choice but by force because someone else decided not to allow you to decide for yourself. Feelings on the floor, step on before entrance was allowed through the door. A pain even 1800 couldn't dull, because living outside has always been so cold. Numb, the black sheep with the black eye, wishing only to dot your eye. Hurt, because you decided to decide for me or is it just that you decided not me?

Sigh

Sigh...is what I did when I realized I was in a safe place with God. When the presence of the Lord rippled through my very being like a warm wave from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head. It came slowly upwards as if I had been blindly walking around with the protection that my mind had yet to accept. It was in that moment that I knew two things; that either the Lord would fix it completely or heal me completely.

I was off the hook. No longer did I have to be a coward to the decisions I refused to make or brave for the ones I was too afraid to face. At that one moment in the mist of my personal tragedy I surrendered completely, falling backwards with my eyes closed because I knew God had me and all it took was faith.  

Standing in my own way: Part I.

I am breaking this topic into multiple parts because todays entry is more poetic and less conversational. This however is a topic to be continued...

H.A.T.E.R.

An unsettling personality trait has surfaced

self identification labels her as

Hopeful

Attitude

Towards

Euphoria

Rejected

aka H.A.T.E.R.

Don't misunderstand her desire longs for hopefulness,

that is quickly extinguished by the pessimistic attitude

that the damn glass was emptied a few life lessons ago

It is not that she is waiting around for some

 unsuspecting soul to pour 

her some troubles; too many of theirs might spill near her glass

never once choosing to err on optimism's side

jaded beyond happy days, this window view

so foggy she can't recall the clean cloth

 held in her hand, hidden behind her back.

Paralyzed where disappointment intersects with just too darn lazy

 ...or maybe she just doesn't care

to unblock the obscured view, certain that if she moves

an inch or more towards removing all doubt

Accountability will force her to focus and she would have to accept

that her continuous rejection of euphoria is

ME.

Everyone needs a good hater in their life to motivate them, I just happen to be mines.

The Hand I Hold: The Marriage Creed

One month and we become an us and you and I must take a back seat;

losing a piece of our individuality as we fight to maintain balance. As we learn what our new normal must be, erasing and revising because we are creating the rules as we go. Learning how communication becomes a perfect beat. How to talk without speech. How to think as one even when we are apart. How to love without touch. How to give without bending. How to be a husband and wife without losing the friendship. How to be partners without creating a business. How to be mad without resentment. How to give in without giving up. How to love through the pain and as we make this journey understanding that life will pull, but for as long as you have

the hand I hold nothing can separate us. 

I wrote this many years ago and while I am NOT an expert on relationships, I hope that the principals in this passage will help in all relationships; new or old, dating or married or about to marry. It is not enough to just believe in love, you have to operate in love to have peace and success.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Forward progress does not just happen by keeping it moving, instead it is by mentally shaping your mind to live the life you've designed. When those moments of stagnation surface it is not as important where your feet land, but where your mind stands. Your mental must keep the bigger picture in frame. Your attitude, your joy, your smile and sass are what help you stay in your zone.

So when life happens put on your best wig, biggest smile and dress for where you want to go and not where you currently are.

Fish Bowl

I'm living in a fish bowl eight hours a day, gazing out wishing for an escape. Frustrated because I keep bumping my head against the same glass wall. Not once grasping the concept that if I just change direction by swimming upward that I might actually catch an outgoing wave.

I left the plant life over 11 years ago riding on the wave of chance, leaving a good paying job in search of more. I've had some fairly decent salaries along the way and others not so good, but one thing remains. I'm still living in that fish bowl.

Going in circles has become a routine, pausing only long enough to remind myself that life can be lived outside the bowl if only I come up for air. The wave of fear reminds me that if I don't continue to live in that confused state of dizzy I might FOCUS long enough on the distance ahead and forget about the bowl.

Why not take a portion of that effort and start swimming towards your own dreams, you will find that crossing the ocean to reach your goals is a lot less exhausting than swimming circles day after day to make someone else's dreams come true.

I can't swim, but if I drown it will be because I finally took the chance on living outside the bowl for ME!!!!

Mental Break

I've been playing word games for the past five hours with family via the Internet and various topics have crossed my mind to blog about today, but my mind needs a break. While I am committed to making daily entries, I would like for them to be quality entries and that is when it hit me!!!! That what I have been doing today was exactly what many of us need to do more often, just take a mental break.

A period of time in which you are not stressing over the worries of yesterday or planning for tomorrow. A moment when you isolate your thoughts to just being present with your favorite TV show or song. When nothing concerns you past your next spin on the board game or making it to the bottom of the ice cream bowl.

A time in which you have switched off the roles - not mommy, wife, friend, father or husband. A day when daily task have been neglected and for once you could care less; they will be there tomorrow. I promise.

The goal is to just relax yourself in the comfort of doing nothing at all. We all deserve a break today!!!!

To Rise You must have Forward Motion

The game has concluded and the Lions were just defeated in their first playoff game in like 53 years, over half a century has passed with more marks in the "L" column, but what I learned from being a native Detroiter is that we were built to rise. We are the definition of the Phoenix and no matter how hot the fire we always rise from the ashes and built on solidarity; together we manage to somehow keep it moving.

For years my Daddy has invested in the Lions and before my own love affair with football developed I would laugh at him about going out in the cold each Sunday to pay to watch his team lose, but his passion has taught me that when you love something you will keep doing it no matter what. The favorite expression of "Nothing beats a fail, but a try" holds true. If he had given up on the Lions, he would not have the chance to celebrate them going one step closer this year, he would not enjoy the years to come when this new, young team (once they tighten up the Defense) takes it that one extra step next year and all the way in the near future!

Rise is what we all strive to do; above our circumstances, above our mistakes, above our reputation and above our last achievement.The goal with each day is to believe and never give up. You will never know how close you are to rising above if you stop. Forward motion is what won tonight's game (minus the cheating ref's) but at the end it was about the team that keep the ball moving forward.

In Life we must keep it moving...

Mommy and Me

I had a date today!!!!

She calls it Mommy and Me!!!

Just me and my Baby all excited and cute!!!

A girlie date designed for us two. Her hair, my toes, our nails

 we even managed some chores, before she tortured me by going from store to store.

 One of those few and far between moments when your teen is loving on you 

 PDA!!!!

Arm in arm, fingers entwined , high five because we made it to the register by nine!

Mission accomplished just us two, I'm available just for YOU!!! 



The sound of happiness is laughing with my daughter just because we enjoy being around each other! One of those special days filled with moments captured and sealed in a bottled; timeless, priceless joy!

Her name is Jhustyce and she is forever my love!!!!

Hostage

A little about me, right now I am living in a glass house and everyone is invited to view! You must go back and release some things in order to pave the path for forward movement. This is my reflection...

Almost 20 years ago I became the victim of domestic violence and I allowed it to kidnap me and hold me hostage for all of these years. While I have not spent the past 20 years in that same abusive relationship, I  simply traveled from one hell to the next hoping that the fire wasn't as hot. Who was I kidding? I woke up everyday accepting a mouth full of fist, blood covered teeth in hand. I allowed the gun to be put to my head daily as a reminder of how insignificant my life was and that one small move could end it. Only thing was I became comfortable with this game of Russian roulette picking the same type of person just with a different name.

One day I realized that the abuse would not stop if I did not first stand up and then walk away. Instead of walking head held high, I ran and coward from it which was worse because I never stopped to identify that the abuse I suffered externally was from the pain I lived internally. Please don't misunderstand I am NOT blaming ME for his choices or those that followed. Domestic Violence is monstrous towards Women or Men and nothing is every that bad that someone should put their hands on you. However, I take full responsibility for not getting to know me before allowing someone else to alter that view.

Funny I have always been very good at owning my flaws. I know exactly what is wrong with me, but fixing them well that is another story and this is where the journey begins on how forgiveness set me free. Facebook is a wonderful tool and you're the exception if you don't have a page so of course one day I spot this person through a mutual friend and I wanted to see if he was remorseful. Ha Right! My need to hear him apologize set my feelings up for another beat down, funny thing about walking around life in anger or feeling like someone owes you something, is they could care less, because they did not place a value on the action they took against you. Now here is the tricky part... YOU have to stop giving it VALUE. For me all of these years it has been my distorted view of love, which really was my lack of self love! What?? Am I really telling you that I didn't love me? Exactly!! I've gone this far to tell you that I use to get the crap beat out of me, so why not tell you all of it. Truth is, I have not loved me properly in years and it surfaces in my relationships, my finances, my parenting, my weight. See putting your needs ahead of someone else's wants does not make you selfish it makes you self aware and SMART! I recently had to look in the mirror and introduce myself, because the me I use to be didn't recognize the me I had become.  

Now we must go full circle because for every action there is a reaction and when you give up the role of victim, you start to look for the lesson. My lesson came from this amazing e-mail prayer circle that I belong to that gives thanks each week and as I was typing my thankful's I broke down about the apology that never came only to learn that forgiveness is for ME. I was on this tangent about my induction into the domestic violence club and all of the negative things it brought into my life. When my Sister in Christ and so much more reminded me that while all of that was horrific, had it not been for me meeting him and surviving all of that I would have never met her or gained a 20 year sisterhood that has patiently walked with me as I learned to develop a relationship with the Lord. That Love for the Lord would not have led me to the prayer circle of strong, accomplished, raw women that I am honored to belong. That day I learned that all of these years I just keep letting him beat me up, because I had never spoke of it in detail to anyone so I carried that burden alone letting it rot out my insides and two I allowed myself to believe that I had something to be ashamed of so I couldn't let me off the hook. Remember when people don't think they did anything wrong you will never hear I apologize, but you can always remember that they are the sorry ones, not YOU!!!

There are some amazing resources for victims and survivors of domestic violence if you need help; you must first be brave enough to ask. Please e-mail me if you need someone to help you take that first step or call 1-800-799 SAFE (7233). Take YOUR POWER BACK!!!

Bornday, Birthday

Today January 4, 2012 is my 39th birthday and for all practical purposes I just had dinner alone; while there was someone sitting across the table from me...I was ALONE!!!! However, this did not make me sad in anyway. It gave me strength, because for the first time in a very long time I did not allow someone else to steal my joy!!!!!

Now with that said one of my goals for this day was to introduce my blog The View From Rock Bottom which is celebrating its birthday today on my bornday. I have spent my entire life behind a #2 pencil writing poetry, pulling together speeches, making this sound better for this person or that occasion. I've spent just as much time writing my own story and I have notebook after notebook of false starts and journals filled with the same sad story. All of my previous work came from this place of pain that I have never been transparent enough to share. Now that I am operating in a headspace of forgiveness of self and others, I have learned that life is not about bouncing back quickly once you hit rock bottom, but instead turning over on your back and enjoying the view.

I welcome you to the view from rock bottom, I hope as we journey through this cyber journal that we find a way to grow with each experience good or bad because learning the lesson is how your truly begin to live.