The Hook Up

The meet and greet is so stale and the internet so spooky that I think if we all took a good look at our friend base, we could really hook some people up. All of us have those wonderful female friends and that oh so perfect guy; but not for you because he is just like your brother, play uncle, supposed to be cousin or best friend. However, he is such a nice guy and she is so sweet that they must meet. Well hook them up please! Stop listening to the I'm lonely conversation or how here comes another dateless Friday night. Pull out your bow and arrow and shoot cupid. What's the worse that can happen? You miss and they don't vibe on that level, but they just extended their own friendship base and six degrees of separation begins. At some point down the line someone I know that knows who you know, will eventually find one of our dear friends to like; keeping it all in the family. Plus it makes it easier to hang out when you already enjoy the company of those involved.

Can I Buy a Vowel?

We reach a place in our life where our decisions are about taking care of us. Many times saying No to someone else is the only way to say Yes to yourself. That does not make you selfish, but instead self aware. User's live in survival mode unable to see past their next come up and Giver's don't get exhausted until a User has knocked them to the floor, still trying to take more. A User never stops they just Giver hop, but when a Giver is tapped out that User can buy only one vowel, the "o" that completes NO!!

Too Late

That's my brother's nickname, but he has it for an entirely different reason than this blog. Lol...I was just thinking about something my therapist likes to say. "Some people can take 7 hits, some 14 and others 64 but no matter what your number is; when that number's up no one can hit you again." Thx, Dr. G. What he is talking about is tolerance and once you have been pushed past your limit you stop and at that point it is too late for whoever was doing the pushing. This is your only warning. I've stopped counting and I'm pushing back!

Not Fair

Life's not fair. Really? It's as fair as you make it. Okay you had crappy parents, so what. They served their purpose they were your vessel to earth. They didn't get a handbook and many of them had no clue they would suck at it until it was too late. They went into it praying to erase the mistakes of their parent's past, but didn't know how to correctly break that cycle. So you enter teenage life counting down the days until your great escape. Now you're free to make it all better, but how? Where are you going? See what I'm learning is that you can't outrun yourself. Now you're at this crossroad and you must decide to either face what's in the mirror so that you move forward or cower behind your past. Yeah life's not fair until you make it fair everything else was just an old traveled road, now its time to pave your own path. Life is what YOU make it. Happy Living!!!

Selfish People Can't Love

Unconditional love and selfish cannot operate in the same heart space. Many of you have traveled this journey of transparency with me and while I have written on a wide range of topics, today I finally voiced my opening sentence and the lights came on! I have asked why a zillion times and then I replaced the need to know why with just accepting the what, but just moments ago I uttered those words and realized that a closed heart cannot love if the focus is self. Selfish people do not like themselves which is why one of my favorite lines of hurt people hurt people is so true. If a hurt person does not like themselves and they are constantly struggling in their very being on how to face themselves each day in the mirror; then how can they like you? Let alone express love.

Okay bare with me, I am trying to articulate this, but I might have to pause and come back after I have a chance to wrap my mind around this new revelation.

To Be Continued: Let me think

Own It

Why is the truth considered judgement? If you did it Own It stop trying to excuse your decisions, behavior or actions. You did what you did because it was the best option for you at the time. Whether it achieved the desired results or not you must accept your choice. Now owning it doesn't mean you have to set up residence and get comfortable with it. Okay you gained a lot of weight (guilty) but the moment you own it you can decide what to do about it. A bad relationship, too much debt or picking out an ugly color to paint the bedroom. Maybe you didn't study as hard or long for that test. Did you decide to have sex too soon. Hey we don't have to speak to just the negative; you could have made all the socially acceptable choices and still end up mad, sad or frustrated. Did the family pressure you into becoming a doctor when instead you wanted to be an actor or you had the big wedding when all you wanted to do was elope.

My point in saying Own It is to take responsibility for your own direction. Use your own mind, speak up for yourself. Be brave enough to decide what choices you would like to commit to. Time out for sugar coating the truth. Stand up and admit Yeah I Did It and if they don't like it...oh well tough, but if you don't like it then decide to do better next time.

Still Standing

Still standing or Alive are becoming standard answers when asked how are you; replacing well and fine. So today I paused to really think about it and even engaged in a small side bar on the topic. If as Christians we know that our riches will be received in heaven and that all things great come with meeting our king. Why do we put so much emphasis on being alive this day. I think what we are really trying to say is we survived another day here on this earth, We didn't give up or give in. We didn't let the stress or struggles kill us. We made it just one more day to do what God assigned for us. My work here is not done, so I'm still standing until my Lord calls me home. I am Alive here on earth; but when I make it to heaven what a Life God has in store!!

Mind Your Words

It took just this last string of insensitive remarks from a Republican Senator to push one undecided, but almost positive that she would vote Republican to jump ship and place her early vote today to keep our President in office. Thank you Mr. Republican for not minding your words. Watching what you say or better yet how you say it is important in all situations. Frequently we use the phrase don't sugar coat it, why not? I'm not saying don't speak your truth or not to voice your opinion but tone and manner are just as important as verbage. Expressions and gestures tell a person a lot and eye contact seals the deal. You don't have to appear rude, nor scream and holler to express yourself. Most people stop listening at that point anyway. Have you ever heard the expression kill them with kindness? This works both ways; you achieve the desired effect and you save yourself stress, anguish and headache all by speaking nice. No need to come out of character to get your point across. And trust me kiss my ass still means kiss my ass whether you say it nice or nasty.

What Goes Around

That old saying that what goes around comes around, becomes mental bondage. I know a lot of people that would enjoy the satisfaction of seeing someone that wronged them experience the same level of pain. What we don't realize is that most people that cause a great deal of grief already live a personal hell. I've said it time and time again; hurt people, hurt people and waiting for them to receive their payback is just your hurt on display. Yes I'm stepping on my own toes as I type this message because I can interject a few but blank and blank deserves..., but who died and made me God. Funny thing is we spend so much energy hoping that karma catches up; that we seldom remember that we are less than perfect. We too have hurt someone along the way. Now what if that person is waiting for our get back.

Instead of wishing pain, I've decided that its best to pray. Prayers of forgiveness for us both. Prayers for peace in my heart and mind; that as a child of God I wouldn't want to see another of his children suffer and as a believer to accept that vengeance is not mine. Time to stop watching my blessings go by, simply because I'm waiting for hurt to come back around.

The Struggle

I've noticed a trend that many of us work our butts off full time, part time and the paper route, but the wheels just keep on spinning. I don't buy that the wealthy wanted it more or even worked harder to get it..I work hard and I'm sure many of the people I know in the struggle bust their behinds daily. So how do you develop a millionaire mind? What are the steps to getting the bank account off zero, the house in the hills or the villa by the coast.

Is it even money that makes you rich? Yeah money can afford you the finer things, but I know plenty of people in love with non-profits and wouldn't trade their salary that is dependent on approved grants in for the secure paycheck to save their life because it would kill their spirit. So I ask where is the balance, how do you escape the struggle without selling out to the dollar?

Do what you love and money will come and if it never does you don't miss what you've never had as long as your happy? Follow your dreams and in the right space with good energy you will attract money? Find a new career path if that's an option? I'm full of questions tonight simply because I don't believe life has to be this hard.

Bully

Bully has become a news worthy word since it has gone beyond school yard fights or lunch money demands. People are taking their own life to escape the bullies wrath. I've even noticed in my own teenager's life how she attempts to make me the butt of her jokes to fill silent space in the presence of others. I found myself explaining just tonight that she need not try to make someone feel small in order for her to feel larger and if she needed to hear chatter then talk about herself, that would be better. My tolerance level is a bit different since I've learned to stand up for myself and maybe before I'd laugh along with her and I'm sure she did not mean much harm, but if you do it at home. I'm afraid you might not notice a class mate or friend that wishes you would just leave them alone. Being the punchline of someone else joke isn't always funny. Sometimes that punch really hurts instead.

You Get Your Hand Back

I just watched last weeks episode of Grey's!!! Phenomenal!!! It brought awareness to the fact that letting go does not have to be negative or painful; instead it can be so liberating. Letting go is a power move. It is releasing that which has taken control of your direction; be it your parenting style, an unhealthy relationship with family and friends, that toxic intimate situation or your dead end career choice that leaves you unfulfilled. Whatever the vice that has your grip so tight, if you just STOP holding on out of fear, rejection, comfort or a false sense of security; that is when you finally get your hand back and can move with twice the speed in the direction set out for you. Letting go is like mastering a difficult yoga move, once you are not being pulled away from your center then you get your balance back. I gladly accept my hand back if it will put me on the path to live out my purpose!!

Time

Time a high stakes commodity; that's free but invaluable. Time cost nothing, but cannot be replaced. The distribution of time a personal decision based on what you view as priority. Some believe that time is money, others view it as a space to pause and relax. Regardless the view each day is equal from beginning to end only requiring us to decide how we use each moment from start to finish. One thing's for certain, you can't turn back the hands of time. It's important to keep it moving, correcting mistakes as you go if you can and if you can't atoning for them with no regrets. Accept that maybe you misappropriated some of your time, but as you reflect you learn that what's most important to you receives the bulk of your time.

Twenty Years

"What are you going to do with the next twenty years?" My therapist asked after the first session. Right away he wanted me to start thinking about living for tomorrow. In hindsight he was hoping that I would stop living in the past. One of his favorite analogies is that I don't need the slave master to force me into bondage. I've made abuse my prison for so long that I voluntarily lock the door and put on the shackles. My sick happiness, simply because I know no better.

And now here I am on the heals of a monumental number that I couldn't even dream of before and I'm ready to think ahead. To begin to cherish the moments and not wallow in yesterday's sorrow. To live again as if there might not be a tomorrow. To laugh and play, to have a string of good days just because. My only look back on the past twenty will be to give my testimony; from this day forward life is only about teachable moments. I embrace the good with the bad that is what built my muscles, lol I'm not even a fan of that Mary Mary song. However, I am a fan of the strength I continue to gain that will help me destroy the wall of pain I've built around me. Sadly I believed that if I never moved outside of the walls of hurt that it couldn't get any worse. Dying having lived a dead life is worse than facing the fact that I might just be happy if I just accept what was. I can't change it, but I can make each moment forward better. God might not give me one more second, but I'm going to live that second like it is the next twenty!! I'm coming ALIVE in MY LIFE!!!

Reintroduce Yourself

Your whole life is a lie. All the names that have been ingrained in you, like useless or stupid, worthless or worse are just not true. They are a projection of how your mental abuser feels about themself. Now what do we do with all those words? How do we reprogram? It takes so much work. Words are not like physical wounds that you cover until they heal. Words stick like glue and the scrubbing hurts to gain release, but if we borrow a few words from Kathryn Stockett, author of The Help remember that "You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” but she said something deeper...“Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, "Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"

When we heal the mind and decide on our own who or what we really are; only then will we be able to reintroduce ourself.

Hurt People, Hurt People

It never fails that when I learn something knew and profound about myself, a real life example grabs me by the face and the ME I'm working on not being is demonstrated so clear. Fear takes us places we never could imagine, pulling us into holes or cycles that we desperately would like to escape or break. We find ourselves gravitating to what is comfortable even if it's dysfunctional and instead of being better than our past we find ourselves passing it on. Spending time repeating our horror story; mostly to make ourselves look better. Not because we intentionally want to slander the other; but out of fear that the few people that love us might not view us as better. The desperate need for acceptance forces hurt people to hurt people.

Self-Made Mind

The power of a self-made mind borderlines on dangerous. If you have the power within to decide for yourself how far you will go with your own life, how amazing is that. How unstoppable, how incredible, how certain you are that even if the course becomes difficult that you find an inner strength to continue on. I am on the verge of starting a second job, not because I want to but out of necessity and all the while I am planning for the long days and never ending shifts, I remind myself that the framework is shifting and now that I am directing my mind even in my darkest moments; when exhaustion threatens to shut me down that I have to pull from a place of sheer reserve and make it past this very temporary moment. I don’t know how long this season will last, I don’t think JOB planned his life of suffering and many days I say please don’t ask me to pray any harder, but as my Mother likes to say. “It will be okay.” I might not know when or even how many more steps I need to take in the dark before I will see the light, but what I do know is we all have within us a self-made mind that will take us as far as we would like to go. No one can stop Me but Me and if I approach the rest of my life just like that; then what mental riches will I gain from knowing I did all I made up my mind to do!!!

But God

Some of my Christians might be appalled by my next statement, but somedays I just can't handle another but God phrase. It doesn't mean I believe any less, but I'd dare to say that God understands when we get a bit upset at even him. When we are living right, good at heart with no foul intentions and still we find our feet sinking in a pile of crap. Somedays I can't take anymore "You can do it speeches." I don't want to hear how strong, brave or proud. My big girl undies have a hole and all my energy is leaking out. I'm looking at it like this. At one point it was second by second and now I can manage several days, but don't bagger me into the pull yourself up talk if by day four I'm completely exhausted from making it through days 1-3. Even more I need another story than JOB . I'm tired of long days of suffering; yes today I'd like that quick fix or maybe just some release that let's me know that God is even paying attention to all the hard times I've overcome. So if we must say But God, can you tell him I need a break.

Sound of Trees

Funny I didn't even think about writing today. I've tried resting for quite sometime today and picked up my phone to watch this weeks Scandal episode when my blog page pulled up and I was like wow this didn't cross my mind. I meditated today sitting at the hotel on the patio listening to the trees blow. Much like tonight I feel my mind and body settle as I lay in my bed and the trees rustle, I know that I'm okay. My head space improving, my heart healing and forgiveness in my soul. I know from this day forward that if I never looked back I would be okay and when you stop anger and hate from setting up camp, you find a peace that God wanted for all of our lives.

The Power of Black

I've spent the last two evenings rubbing elbows with the Urban League and while the attendees have been a true hoot, my dear cousin included; the information has been invaluable. First I would recommend the movie Won't Back Down especially for US that have grown up union. We get so caught up in our rights sometimes losing sight of what's right. I will not spoil the plot, but tonight's feature The PowerBroker the life of Whitney Young a social worker turned civil rights mediator, negotiator and visionary. A forgotten name who was just as inspiring as Martin Luther King, just as influential forging relationships with three Presidents Johnson, Kennedy and winning over Nixon to join a platform that was needed to fund projects to help those in need. How the two evenings tie together is one was a fight for a school while tonight demonstrated how Young's father ran a school for 40 years with a secret curriculum. The common goal was just to do better, to give our children a chance at greatness. We must remember as we begin to lead that our fight should not be about just what we see as right, but what is best for all involved.

Not A Test

Some young lady started this FB fanpage that's titled "A Relationship is Not a Test, so WHY Cheat?" I must agree. A Relationship is a decision not a game. Remember the stick character picture that circulated with the boy running with the girls heart in his hand and she was exclaiming stop that hurts. Well it's does because it beats, bleeds and breaks and its not a toy. I've said this a million times before, no one ever has to be hurt by a cheater; if that person would just accept that they are better off single. Cheating is about greed and selfishness. It is not about what's missing at home and if something is missing at home it would be you (the cheater) because you are to preoccupied to nourish what you already have and instead you exchange that for temporary pleasure. The other woman or man is supposed to make you feel better. They don't come home to you each night, they don't have to figure out the bills, car repairs or child's braces. They get to engage in your pretend life, where every moment is that first high; euphoria!!! They understand so well why you don't have a good spouse and they can make it all better. Stop and think when was the last time you gave your spouse that missing attention?


Truth is the moment you realize the grass is not greener and she trades in the come do me pumps for the granny gown, you understand that all the years, sweat and tears were not worth tearing down for a watered down version of your spouse and what makes it worse is you have to face the fact that she has no class because she was willing to cheat with your low down ass. And I don't discriminate because I know plenty of women with a man on the side. That makes you just as wrong. People just be fair let's stop grooming people for marriage and instead let's begin with honesty. Don't rip apart the one organ we all need our heart. Destroying lives, building insecurities and killing trust; when you could have declared I don't think I'm relationship material and I don't want to see you hurt if I can't keep my pants zip or skirt down. There's nothing wrong with starting a movement that supports staying single instead of being a cheater.

Example of Courage

I woke up to a thank you text from my cousin saying how much my Auntie loves my blog and how thankful she is that her Mom took some major steps towards getting her happiness back. Sad thing is I didn't even know that my Auntie was going through. She is the perfect example of calm in the mist of the storm. Her grace, love and support unwavering. Her infectious smile and laughter would leave the outside world none the wiser. My cousin's request write something uplifting because she is so HAPPY to have her Mommy back. My response, Auntie is the encouragement; the example that God gave us all the inner strength to reclaim our peace. Mines came in this open forum for reasons just like this. I'm sharing the life so many other women are living , but we don't all have our voice yet. Some of us cry, others smile, some of us scream and fight and I've done them ALL. But a woman with grace can silently stand tall and gently love her way out the door. I may not be the greatest example, but I realize that at times we must all learn to lead. By displaying your strength you might help someone else find their courage!!

Writers

I love to read the blogs of others. A community that isn't represented by a race or gender nor age or status. We are United through vocabulary. Some simple words others more complex, all strung together displaying our style best. My favorite tool a number 2 pencil and a blank page. While other's thrive off the latest electronics. Old school writers my still change the ribbon on a typewriter, but we all have one goal and that is to bring our words to life. We all have a story that's why we write!!!

Get Back Up

When you fall down or in this case fall off the important thing is to get back up. Don't wallow in the self pity, don't accept shame and don't believe the lies of defeat. I just didn't feel like exercising today and I was almost crass in my short answer of NO to my accountability partner. I didn't care about the look of really please on her face. I didn't even bother with a reason why. I just didn't feel like it today and what's worse is I know that's when I needed to push through the most. So tomorrow is another day and I have to encourage myself to get back up. Start again and keep trying...I'm too tired to be my own cheerleader. I'll give myself this pep talk in the morning. Good night

Within

Inspiration can come from anywhere; a great song, service, a sista-friend, good book or movie but once the message has been delivered, it is left to us to receive and place it into action. We must be inspired from within or its just a good message we heard once that will eventually fade away. Instead of talking about your dreams spend sixty days working on them and see how far you will go. If you can create or break a habit in just twenty days, then sixty should turn your habit into a lifestyle and instead of talking about your dreams; you will be living them!!! Write three pages a day and before you know it the book is finished. Register for school today before another four years pass on bye. Vow to lose one pound a week and that will be fifty-two pounds down in a year. Nothing is impossible unless you don't work for it. Don't just get motivated, get moving!!

Her Key

Pretty as a Princess all dressed in white my babygirl this homecoming night. Time waited for no one and now she's almost grown. Major life transitions have come my way and still I must prepare to send my little girl on her way. Blessed to have raised a strong warrior. Grateful for the village that surrounds us. Praying that she has enough of all the right stuff to face this cruel world and that its sadness never skews her optimistic view. Lord I trust you to keep her safe, but just because I'm Mom I'm still burning the midnight oil; until I hear her key turn the door.

A Giving Heart

I'm nervous that my heart isn't in it. I believe in tithes and offerings, but I'm learning about seed. I was moved and all ready to sow seed today and then unable because we never found anyone to collect and my thoughts of I will just do it online turned into but now I need to do this or I did that and I just can't see it in my budget now, but that must be what's wrong with the budget. I'm holding on so tight. I give to others, picking up lunch or paying for the kids to get in the game. I'll give my last to a stranger and the homeless can make a living off of me, but giving to increase my own blessings I still hesitate. Am I afraid of going broke or afraid of the doors God will open up if I redirected my giving heart?

Greatness Stands Alone

Something taken away is not always a loss. God didn't bring you to it, not to bring you through it. BUT you must be willing to go toe to toe with the disappointment and pain. Have faith that the breakthrough is greater than the breakdown. Release that relationship, that friendship, that job and yes even those family members that don't nuture your growth. Concentrate on that which adds value or at the least support. Bishop Jakes said tonight, "misery always has company." Greatness stands alone.

Sisterhood Pain

Bonded by pain a sisterhood grew. I use to say if opening my life only helped one my work was done, but how I'm flattered knowing so many trust me to hold their hand; because I understand. Our shoe size the same and the path beaten but if we choose the road less traveled our journey will be brighter. Pain forged our sisterhood, but we shall not wallow. Let's stop meeting at the coffee pot to commiserate those old stories. Now is the time as women that we build each other up. Please take my hand and I will pull you up. I need for you to understand that you are greater, more powerful than the lies you've been told. As Apostle said to me last Friday, "You are a treasure chest of precious gems." You are heavens gift. How mighty is our story of victory!!

Pretty Girl

Hey Pretty Girl don't you cry; can't you see how beautiful you are? Did you misplace your self confidence? Please look beyond those scars, that missing tooth can be replaced. Wipe away the fear he instilled by pulling that knife. Praise God that the bullet missed, he saved you to encourage the next young lady that her life is worth living. Don't get lost in the reflection of that black eye. You are not defined by those choke marks. Stand proud and tall for what you see staring back is the strong, brave new you. Tougher and brighter, you are a fighter. No longer prisoner to the beatings inflicted on you. God pulled you through the storm because he knew how valuable your testimony would be. Don't hurt over the abuse, you did nothing wrong. Pray for your enemy to regain your peace. Don't let him win by harbouring hatred in your heart. Just ask that God have mercy on the day he must recount why he put his hands on a life that the Father created.

A True Story, My Story. Stop Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I am a poster child of Domestic Violence and while I survived the physical abuse, I've spent years in mental captivity because the wounds were covered up nicely, but the healing never took place. I've lived twenty years with a lot of dirty bandages; which caused the infestation that created the story of my life. Living in silence played a major part of why I continued to allow the same type of people in my life. Not that they were all physical, but they were all abusers. Pain was my normal and since I was rotting from the inside out due to the unhealed wounds, I didn't have an image of what a healthy relationship looked like. I did not know I was worthy of kindness, real love or respect. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was a broken person. I just began my journey to finding my self worth January 4, 2012 when I broke my silence with this blog and still I didn't start therapy until June. I'm taking baby steps and somedays I still find myself crawling, but the most important thing is I began. And I encourage any person living in that silent hell to seek help, because you really are not living if you afraid.

The National Domestic Violence Awareness website and hotline number are below:


http://www.nrcdv.org/dvam/

1-800-799-7233