I've Learned

2012 began as the year of Journey for me and what I've learned is that you can still be in love with someone that has caused you pain and if you stop trying to "get over it" and instead just "get past it" you don't have to replace the love in your heart with bitterness. I have also learned that it is my hurt and no one can place a time limit on how long it takes my heart to heal. If I had lost my husband to death just a year ago, people would say she just needs time; well one of the most important parts of your life should not be bound by a clock. I learned how to Grieve.

I've learned that the broken hearted don't get a day off. There are no vacation days, sick time or bereavement. So I learned to cry silently in bathroom stalls on my breaks or in the shower not to alarm my child. I learned to put on a smile even if it didn't go with my outfit. I learned to make it through yet another holiday. I learned how to function off of no sleep. I learned that this is my New Normal.

I've learned that you can't change the past by wishing it would be different. You can talk about it forever but it will not change the facts. Now that you have the events memorized you must decide if they will forever have power over you or if you will decide to take power over them. I learned how to be My OWN Super Hero.

I've learned that two people can look at the same picture at the same time and see something totally different. Not making anyone right or wrong. I've learned to agree to Disagree.

I've learned that my value and status are not tied to my financial well being. Those that have money are poor in other areas and those that lack money are rich in other ways. I've learned my bank account does not determine my Worth.

I've learned that family is not always your friend and that some friends are more of your family and this is okay. We don't choose our bloodline. I've learned that I don't have to feel bad about being closer to my Circle.

I've learned that most people are too busy pointing out other's wrongs to recognize their own fingers pointing back at them. I am so guilty of this so I learned to look in the Mirror.

I've learned that not asking is not always enough, not accepting is also a requirement. I've learned that if it comes with conditions then it wasn't from the Heart.

I've learned that because of some serious abandonment issues that I have been seeking the approval of others ALL of my life. I've learned to Approve of Myself. 

I've learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my decisions...good, bad or indifferent. I have to live with my choices, but as an adult I have learned to live with my Consequences. 

I learned that parenting does not come with a handbook and that learning from my own errors as a parent, I learned to let my parents off the hook for all that I didn't think they got right. I have learned that people do their Best with the information they Have.

I learned that you can't make others respect you. I learned to Respect myself.

I learned that the goal of most parents is to see their child happy and that I feel the same, so when I get a chance to put a smile on my daughters face, I learned that it is worth making whatever SACRIFICE.


I learned that Sasha (my nickname for my weight) wasn't ready to go. I was already going through one major event in my life this year and I just was not ready to put in the work required to let go and she probably was my comfort at times. So I learned that sometimes you just can't do everything all at once. I've learned that losing weight is a lifetime event and that even when I am failing, I am still Trying. 

This year has brought about lessons that I didn't necessarily set out to learn, but as I vowed to be transparent with my fears, shortcomings, pains, mistake, poverty, homelessness, domestic abuse and rape. As I unveiled the mask that I had become comfortable hiding behind it became uncomfortable for me as well as others that were accustom to me handling things quietly. When I learned that my Voice had volume and needed to be heard. That is when I learned that I was ready to GROW. 


One of the most important things I learned over this year of Journey or JourNEI as I like to call it changing the end to represent my nickname. I learned that if your testimony reaches just ONE person then it makes your TRUTH worth sharing. 

I've learned that you may not know My Story, like it or even understand it but if you know my GOD then you know I have LEARNED that he alone is ENOUGH!!! 

Signing Day

Signing day finally came. Void of emotion or maybe its shock. I've asked for something I never wanted for so long and now that I have it, I don't know how to react. I can't turn back because that would halt my future, but I'm having trouble releasing my past.

Confessions of a Loner

This space is too crowded and I'm ready to go. My mind has switched off and I can't do it anymore. Quiet, conversations just not the same. Nothing left in common please just go away. I need my space; I recognize that being alone is where my peace of mind originates from.

A Mother's Loss

A family lost a loved one, but a Mother her child. She carried him for nine months with those new mother jitters, never with the expectation that life would take him first. We always ponder when things seem out of order, but God made up his mind back when we were designed. He knew who could handle continuing to live here on earth without the ones they love. While we will weep and you surely will be missed, we trust that God needed you more. The Lord knew for as hard as it seems that your Mom would rather see you go if it would stop the pain. That is a parents greatest sacrafice to let you go, so that you suffer no more. And now the day has come that we've said our final goodbye and talking to your Mom I know she will be okay. Her baby entered heaven today and we all know you are cutting up!!

Always Love, Forever Missed...Churon J. Webb 11/13/74 - 12/28/12

Doubt is your own worse Enemy

So last year you were the best of friends; completed each other sentences, could stand the foul smell of each other's poop and now just 365 days later you are complete strangers. You wonder if what you had before was make believe. Did you live in a world that only you could see? Doubt is your own worse enemy, it has you repeating why?? The hardest three letters to answer, since nothing said will ever explain and is probably not good enough to erase the pain. Doubt is the space you live when trust is lost, but you're still searching for a way to work it out. Trust me letting go is the only logical way to eliminate your own worse enemy.

Distance

I hear too often that the space keeps us strong; when it actually creates peace and that distance keeps you sane. My sole purpose for moving 700 miles away was because I was tired. Tired from always having something to do, tired of where my job was taking me, tired of myself for never learning the word NO. Tired of fighting with people over where my life should go. The distance gave me balance, it provided freedom for my life that I would have never achieved, but more importantly it gave me an out.

I read this status today from Hart Ramsey - "You're on a mission. So don't stop to fight useless battles with people who have nothing else to do but fight. They may say you're running. But you're not running from the fight. You're just running to your future. Pursue your purpose! Let them satisfy their need to fight with someone else."

I walk away because I'm just NOW learning how not to be afraid and it is too comfortable to stay in what is normal while wishing for something abnormal, something better, bigger and completely satisfying. PEACE and HAPPINESS even in my struggle that is what distance brings to me!!

Christmas Storm

On the road again trying to bypass an approaching storm. Four to eight inches they presume, but I already feel buried under the storm. No matter how much you've changed people that hold a lifetime opinion of you will always view you the same. In my life if I'm bothered or even upset about an event my feelings are not considered valid. Funny how everyone else can openly express their annoyance, anger or past pains and some rudely would even like to tell you how you feel, but no status equals no voice. And contrary to popular belief I don't have to spend a lifetime holding a grudge or even disliking another; however if I did I'd be the first to say since there is no need to disguise how I feel. Loyalty trumps right from wrong, status equals respect and I'll help means don't you ever forget. Funny thing is I changed for me, just because I knew I was a better person and I accept and understand that I can't change another. I DON'T DESIRE TOO...however must you sacrifice being nice just to be You?

Family Feud

Playing games with family on this Christmas Eve. Talking loud, children screaming, parents fussing and teams cheating. Plenty of food, plates to go this is our holiday fun. Rematch, the men scream since the women always win!!! High five, spades or bid whiz whatever generates the most smack talk. Annoyed by those they drink the most cause ain't nothing worse than a drunk that won't hush. Family Feud the game we play, oh my how much its like our real life!

Drunk

I'm drunk its my birthday celebration out with family and friends. Sitting here after close we are having fun. Girlfriend talk they are waiting for us to get out. We have one last drink to go, so glad my Mama showed up. I must say that I'm way to faded to care, but we had a good night! Team Det 40 was way too cool!!

SISSY!!!

My sister's special day was still shared doing what she loves, being a mother!! Tonight was awards night so her birthday took a back seat to let her little ones shine. I promise you will never meet a more selfless love. My sister is very cut and dry, she either loves with all her heart, genuinely likes you or doesn't bother with you at all. Anyone that truly knows her understands that you are completely done if you cross that line, but if you are blessed enough to befriend her she will stick by you for life. For me I'm blessed to be loved by such a wonderful sister!!

Yellow Brick Road

My yellow brick road goes in a straight line right up 75. Leaving peach town and above average temps in Georgia to roll through the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee onto Kentucky's horse land which lacks much attraction until you reach that Cincinnati bridge with all those bright lights and you almost forget that this is the Midwest and not Vegas. Other than that Ohio's pretty flat with just a few things to see. The statue in front of the Rock church; the old one in my opinion looked better, the Pioneer Sugar cains, the Toledo Jeep plant off the water and the Islamic Temple let's you know that you're getting close to crossing the state line where nothing compares to the blue and white Pure Michigan sign!! Home Sweet Home freezing and grey, no other place can replace where you were born and raised.

Cordial

Being cordial is not just an act of kindness; it is rising above the situation. Allowing your pride to fall aside, pasting on your play nice face and sucking it up. It is also accepting that while you were grown enough to be cordial your feelings still may get hurt when you realize you can't be civil to a beast. Damn.

Phone Works Both Ways

This topic has come up several times this week. When confronted by people wanting more attention than they are giving. I have repeated a phrase my sister and I love, "the phone works both ways." A relationship on any level without the proper balance creates exhaustion and eventually you either become resentful or withdrawn. When you're the only person extending yourself you become stretch thin, realizing that if you don't stop the other person will never start. It's so easy for people to point out what you stop giving without ever recognizing that they do far less than what they complain about. The Bible says it best, "do onto others as you would do onto you." Be the friend that you want in return.

Out of The Game

My social skills are rusty, yeah I'm cool behind a keyboard with people I know. But live not memorex, I Suck!!! I feel alone in a crowded room still trapped in my damn head and not letting go. A part of me screaming I just don't want to be here; in this space learning to live this life all over again. You meet and greet. You mingle hoping that some of them are really single. You waste cute outfits and hurt feet on Mr. Representative and the cycle repeats.

I promise I am a happy ever after girl built for forever. I should be at home under cuddle alert, but instead here I am in these streets learning to play a game in which I can't compete; I don't know the rules or even the dance moves. All I was really thinking was I have to get up in the morning, my ride home is almost an hour. I just burned a half a tank and my split did not turn out sexy like those ladies. Oh I need to loosen up, but I can't catch a vibe because I don't understand this dirty south music. This is my reality. I'm single and my social skills suck. I'm so far out of the game that I promise NERD was flashing across my head. I think I'll stick to singles ministry at church or home with my remote.

Be Faithful Over Little

God promises us more if we can prove that we will be faithful over the few. The few task we are assigned, the position that we may not be satisfied with, the small car we have or the little house we live in. Being faithful does not just mean take good care of it and pay your bills on time. It means be grateful for what you do have. I know it gets frustrating to hear people always say well someone else has less. That statement does not increase your need or want nor will it solve your current problem, but hopefully it places it into prospective for you. No that studio apartment might not be what you are longing for, but it sure beats the underpass on the local highway some call home and your car might not be as I like to call it "grown up" but I'd trade a kid car any day over a dressed up walk. At the end of the day it is ALL just stuff, that we can't take with us and that can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. Those that you see up today may have to beg Mama and Daddy to come home tomorrow. Count all that you have as a blessing; be grateful over your few and watch God multiply it for you!!

Hard Times

Hard times are spreading just like the flu...we know the rest to this popular tune, but really they are. I'm talking to friends and co workers and it seems that the struggle hasn't missed a person in one way or another. The question now isn't why, but what? What should you do to first stop sinking deeper in the hole and then to slowly pull yourself back out. Start with a financial list of everything that comes in but more importantly what goes out. That is the portion you can control for now. Are you in a position to reduce your housing expenses? Is moving an option or cutting off the cable. Maybe get rid of that contract phone and go to prepaid. Do you use that gym membership or is fast food your best friend? Pick just a few that can stop the quick sand from pulling you under.... that's enough to get you started! To Be Continued...

After Life

Okay Lord, we need to chat. I came to you yesterday in disbelief about all those children that you called back home. The mother in me just didn't want to understand. However the Believer I am accepts that if this had to be a custody fight that the life you have to offer is everlasting and nothing on earth can compare to playing on streets of gold in a world full of color. They have the best of both worlds as they can smile down on earth now becoming their parents guardian angels, while avoiding the miseries of this world. Yes senseless violence took them and comfort here on earth may never be achieved but all of us that believe know those that die "beat us to paradise!" Our hugs and kisses can never compete with your unconditional love. While I advise those that mourn to weep as a part of the healing. I also say do more than pray. Go chat with God and being mad is okay!! He understands but more important he already knows and once you've screamed, blamed and hollered praise God for the days you held your Loved one close and thank him for now providing a better after life.

And Lord I Can't Ask Why?

One tear of thousands left to cry as parents ask the question why? How is it that I sent my elementary age child to school today and that was my last kiss goodbye? When I walked her to the classroom door no one told me we would hold hands no more. I placed her in this institution that was to help me build her future. She trusted me when I said this place would be safe and that she need not fear when I walked away. I shed this single tear with thousands yet to follow as I must now identify my child's body. The Christmas list replaced with burial task and God you tell me not to ask? I am searching my brain for memories of this morning. Did she show me signs that she was sick, did I force her to go to school when I had reason to keep her home? Were my last words did you brush your teeth or did I give her a hug? Did we sing on the way to school or say our morning prayers? Lord I just hope that we did not have an unresolved fight. God how she must have been so scared. And Lord I can't ask why? My child's future cut short from this cowards damaged mind. He had to be mentally ill to watch all those children die. Anything short makes him a pure monster and if killing him twice would bring my baby back then I would sit in jail for life just to know she lives. How do you offer support to a community devastated? If your child survived how do you gather the courage to send them back to school or ease their fears that somehow NOW this place is safe? How do they return to a classroom where they survived, but watched their little friends murdered? And Lord I Can't Ask Why? Well you have to give me a pass this time, because I NEED TO KNOW WHY?

Helping Hand

No matter what I accomplish in my life, nothing aside from the birth of my daughter will compare to the feeling I receive from providing a helping hand. Thinking of others and my desire to give what I can, try when I can, raise what I can and volunteer where I can is just as easy as breathing for me. My face hurts from the continuous smile I wear when I have accomplished something to warm another’s heart or reduce an everyday stress they carry around. I OVERstand that the struggle is real and that good things should happen more often to GREAT people, just because!!

A lot of us work very hard and have the same drive as people that have achieved great wealth, our treasures just have not been discovered outside of our small circle to reach the masses yet, but it does not make us any less driven or focused or for that matter worthy; so whenever I get a chance my hand is extended to help pull someone up or out of their current situation even if that is only to the upright position. At least that is a start!!

Opinions

Opinions are like assholes we all have one. However we are not required to let the crap someone else talks about us define who we are. We are all entitled to make our own life decisions; good, bad or indifferent we have to determine if they are things we will accept, reject or learn from but either way we must live with our own choices. I guess my point is I don't like the phrase I respect your opinion, if I don't. I can't respect something I reject. I can't stop anyone from having one, but I will not attach myself to your opinion if I view it as wrong.

Holiday Blues

This is more of a question or conversation instead of a point of view or diary entry about my life. I was listening to the song What do the lonely do at Christmas and as I embark on the beginning of a new Christmas tradition or revisit an old one of being single for the Holidays I began to wonder how have YOU my readers coped with sudden change during holidays or anniversaries or birthday's? How did you change that day into something positive or less sad? What did you do different if you are suffering from a broken heart or what tradition did you keep if your are grieving a loss? I have a number of friends that are widows at very young ages and as Believers I know there is a great comfort in knowing your Loved one is celebrating in heaven and I must admit after reading Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo yesterday I am more convinced that what is waiting for us in heaven is so much greater than what we have here on earth; but we are human and we miss the important people in our life. So if this is your first holiday without someone that has been a constant in your life have you put together your plan for making it past this holiday? And if this is not the first time for you, maybe you can share the story of how you made it through that set of "First" and how you handle the holidays now in comparison to then? Maybe your testimony will help someone else who does not have a clue how they will survive this first set of holidays.

Life Apart

So we practiced life apart this weekend. I went away and my daughter stayed and yes I know this will happen in reverse in the next six months, it still served as a practice run. Of course I was apprehensive and I put her Uncle on the police stroll which I know I can't do once she goes to college. Well maybe...cause her Uncle will not mind making surprise visits to her dorm. Lol. Point is I know I have to loosen the rope little by little so that when the times comes I can let go. Whew I hope I have great friends around to keep the 1800 coming, just joking!! I'm going to make myself proud and show a huge smile. I promise to save the tears for once I drive away. If I pep talk myself from now to July we will be all good when its time to say goodbye!

The Other Side of Mommy

Today I gained a new respect for the other side of Mommy. I grew up with both my parents, so when I became a single parent I was resentful for having to do it all alone, for the two parent home my daughter would be missing. For the pain she experienced from having to split her life. Well today the other side of Mommy ; The Stay At Home Mommy opened my eyes. I use to view this as easy, but I now realize the great sacrifice. Stay At Home Moms defer or cancel their dreams to put the family first. Their schedule is built around everyone else with days that are just as full as the working Mother. While this day has been non stop from beginning to end and I'm must admit that it was exhausting; the reward gained from seeing everyone happy has to be what makes my sister's heart full. She makes stay At Home Mom look Good!!!

Playing Games

I'm sitting in the middle of a dodge ball game laughing at my niece, nephew and auntie throwing balls all around my head; while trying to beat my sister at electronic boogle. Me the word girl, losing at a word game. Laughing at my sister scream at her kids to cut it out. There is nothing more pleasurable than being with family. Sharing these casual moments make the best memories.

What I Deserve

Being deserving was a foreign concept to me just a year ago. I knew what I wanted; a full life, the best for my child, a love of my own that was respectful, faithful and kind. A relationship with the Lord, to be viewed as an adult with my family and wonderful quality people to round out my circle. And in no specific order which is why nothing was aligned. Stopping to develop a relationship with the Lord and then a love affair with yourself will open up your heart and attract positive energy into your life. I don't just Want anymore...I know that I Deserve as a child of God he doesn't want me to settle for mess when he created me to have the best!

Mommy Moment

I learned a long time ago in a women's group how important it is to identify the cause behind the emotion and  that will explain the reaction. Most anger is generated from fear, stress is the body's reaction to anxiety which is normally caused by fear as well. ... Okay I AM HAVING A MOMMY MOMENT and it is colliding with my daughter's need to be independent and my desire to keep her a child for as long as I can. My method is ending in defeat and that scares the crap out of me, since her logic makes the most sense. I wonder if my Mother's stomach ended up in knots each time we left? I remember how tight she held on the day I left to move to Georgia and I was way passed grown at that point; already on my own. Forgive me in advance I might have a few Mommy Moments over the next six months, okay for the rest of our lives. She is my one and only baby no matter how grown she thinks she is.

Gold

The center of the storm envelopes you like an old wool blanket scratching as it rubs against you, but in essence those scratches are to remove what's dead and needs to be peeled away. Working as an exfoliation for the mind, body and spirit, removing layer by layer. There is no greater therapy for the soul than finding your peace in the eye of the storm. A renewed spirit, you come out tougher, and brighter, a polished gem. Those moments in the trenches are like finding a gold mine; you couldn't appreciate how valuable you are until the struggle introduced you to your selfworth.

30 Days

Thirty more days to spend in my thirties God willing!! I've never been so excited to enter a different decade. My twenties found me burnt out from too much teen partying. My thirties were spent full of anxiety and fear; enough trouble to worry my Mother. My forties will be so different with God by my side. My mind restored, my broken heart and spirit mended, my sense of its too late lifted because now I know that lifes worth living. That I deserve the best and there is enough room for everyone to experience success. True I'm embarking on an empty nest, but that just gives me a new lease on life. I can follow my dreams; acting lessons or maybe the piano. I can work where I love and not just follow a paycheck. I can travel when I like or write when I want. I have to thank my therapist who challenge my pessimistic words of gloom about forty being close to the end with one question..."what will you do with the next forty?" I could continue as the walking dead or I could just live!!!

White Flag

I've tried to create "normal" for this past year. We've been through so many ups and downs that I figured if I could just hold on to something constant until the school year ends that I would have accomplished all that we needed. The reality of it all is I can't...the struggle is real and in order for me not to break something must give. For as much as it pains me I have to raise the white flag for the greater good.

Dating Should be Fun

Okay I called myself jumping into the dating pool yesterday and it started off as fun, I will admit. However somewhere during the evening it shifted and I realized my biggest mistake was reaching for something that was already behind me. I thought it would be less stressful to reconnect with someone from my past, but as the evening progressed I remembered exactly why the past has no future. We wanted to blame our previous lack of connection on timing, but I know that's untrue since time can't separate what's real. We never made it beyond our past due to personality conflicts. My mind keep SCREAMING after the shift...this should be FUN and EASY, but it felt too much like work. I cannot express how relieved I was for the evening to come to an end, but yet and still I needed the refresher course on not looking in the rear view mirror even if I got off that road years ago. It takes a lot for people to change and I've reached this space in my life where I'd rather you go be exactly who you are, as long as we are clear that I don't have to accept that.

The Flow

Today begins my lesson on going with the flow. As an "Overthinker" it is necessary for me to learn a few new behaviors. Today I'm trying "The Flow" on for size, I understand that just being in the moment can be a lot of fun! I said yes to a spontaneous road trip and this time its different because I don't carry around any guilt associated with moving on with my life. I stood still long enough asking WHY; now I'm just going with the FLOW!!

Man Down

When the pile disperse and all but one rise, your heart stops when you realize that a man's down. You scan the jerseys checking if its your baby's number and then your heart bleeds when you realize its your color. Both teams on one knee the parents praying silently with their hands clinched. What was a roar just a moment ago is now completely silent. I'm not sure if we even remember to breathe. Applause erupt once he's up and we clap until he reaches the sideline. Tonight unfortunately the ambulance called as our man traveled by stretcher out. Tonight it wasn't just the two that the paramedics took, but also our senior boys that possibly played their last game. A sad end to a beautiful season, we played with heart. God Bless Americas sport for it keeps a community united.

Comfy Me!!

Out in these streets trying to increase my social skills, so I needed to post right quick before the fun begins.. Different at this phase in my life because I'm comfortable in my Nikes. I don't have to make ever event a fashion show. Tonight I'm just chlling watching the game and the sports bar crowd is bananas!! Forced to park a few blocks over, my feet are thanking me as we walk. So comfortable with who I am that I know longer desire to be uncomfortable and with confidence I say enjoy me as I am!!

Outgrown Loyalty

When you've outgrown loyalty and it's time to turn your back it can cause a few sleepless nights. Hours awake force you to spend the time needed to collect your thoughts and mentally walk away. Goodbye isn't that hard when it's out of necessity; just another casualty of the thin line between love and war. Don't box yourself into believing this is exclusive to a woman outgrowing a man. We all have overstayed our welcome on jobs, in friendships, at churches and yes even with family. When a larger call has been placed on your life or just the drama of remaining associated with someone or thing renders you stagnate then you know that you've outgrown the relationship. There is no loyalty in dumbing yourself down just to remain a part of the crowd.

Imaginary Friend

I didn't have an imaginary friend as a child, my imagination was my friend. The characters I gave life with my pencil and tablet or the comfort I found in getting lost in my book a day addiction. I was hopelessly lost in those fairytales; believing in happily ever after. Well life might not play out like the ink on those pages, but we are all capable if we just place our trust in the one above. God didn't promise us days without troubles, but he did ask us to cast our worries on him. We can only imagine what heaven is like, but we trust and believe that our riches are above. That our days will be filled with peace and our troubles no more. If I had to talk to an imaginary friend, one you cannot see but believe in with all your might; I'm happy to say that he is my Lord and I could care less if you think I'm crazy, but yes he talks back to me!!

Big Butt and Smile

I have a pretty smile and nice brown eyes, a cute cheek mole and one dimple but those attributes somehow get over looked because of my large behind. Being treated as a piece of meat has always made me frown. HOT is a better word, ready to fight is more like it. I've never enjoyed being smacked on my ass and I can't respect the dog call from behind. That gets NO RESPONSE. I know the world can't help but look at the outside first. We are visual creatures and something has to stimulate the eyes just so that we will speak, but please Lord the next guy you send my way give him xray vision to my mind, so he can stop thinking about my behind or he will never be able to trust a big butt and a smile since he'll never make it past the dog category in my eyes.

Right Now

I'll never forget this long conversation with Chy and she told me, "nothing changes until you do!" A common sense quote, but one of the hardest actions to complete. Losing weight and getting healthy are not easy task and with ever fail I must admit I become more discouraged. Trying to achieve the right mood balance is hard when you have to pep talk yourself daily into just being okay. Disappointing is still waking up with the "but what ifs" on your mind. And for me if I break down and cry one more time I might fight myself. I try to figure out from second to second how to be keep change in motion. How to be my own SHEro. I can't throw out a lifeline every time I'm feeling blue and I remind myself you've made it this far, the end is always close to the quitting line, so keep going. My Mom suggested I reread my own blog to see how far I've come. I'm an analyzer so I just want it all to be different NOW. My weight, my emotions, my finances, my books, MY LIFE craves completion from my new direction. I need to make a list and focus on just one or two things or I will forever be lost looking at the big picture. If I put piece by piece in the puzzle one day I will look back and it will done.

Walking Dead

Sleepless facing all the years; black and white flashbacks play like a silent movie. The character in the story watching the killer come. Frozen, no running or screaming; just waiting for death, the only consequence when living comes to a halt. Not a true mortal end, but worse since your still walking this earth.

Trapped inside your mind are the screams for release, let me go you self enemy! Scratching, clawing up all night trying to devise your great escape. There is no greater torture than residing inside a motionless shell. Stuck in your fear, pain and past. How do you give rebirth, before life passes you by? Funny how the past tries to paralyze you when it's time to start something new..

Turning Corners

I had an ah-ha moment just now. I've been driving in the same direction for so long that I didn't realize how attached I'd become to the rear view mirror. The road isn't getting any shorter because I keep looking back, maybe silently praying for you to catch up but just as clear as the road ahead looks no different than the road behind, I now know you will never change. It's always been up to me. I have to turn the corner to change the view.

Tina Turner couldn't have said it better when she sang this question, "What's LOVE got to do with it?" See Love does not hurt. Love is the one action that makes it all better and while you may be busy doing your part; loving someone to your death, love doesn't change people. People change people or let me more specific you have to change you, just as I've been changing me over this year. I just forgot to get on a new road. I've changed the music from sad love songs, to club banging hip hop and I've changed the car a couple times, I've changed the tires and tried new snacks at different gas stations but forgot to GPS a new direction. For me it took a friend asking, how was your holiday and me responding that I spent almost five hours talking to my Mommy in the wee hours of the morning over what started as me not wanting this part time job and having the Black Friday Blues; to being able to be so CLEAR that I told it ALL and finally releasing the burden of what I've been holding in and on to gave me the freedom to turn the corner. I can't look back, I have a new view!!!

"Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." EL

Black Friday

So I took a part time job in retail with a midnight shift to go out and entertain the madness. Not certain I will survive this twelve hour shift when I don't even like the mall. Let alone mobs of people showing their ugly side all over a purse or boots. I understand savings, I just don't get crazy. The camping out for days on end or standing in outrageous lines. All I can say is play it safe for all you shoppers and this might be the first time I quit without giving a notice. Wish me luck.

Her Home

I never considered the sacrifices necessary with moving so far away. I didn't realize that one day my daughter would have her own life and running back home for every occasion would force her to miss those special moments with the framily (friends that are family) that she loves here or important events during the year. I started this year understanding that I wouldn't be going home, it's her senior year and I realize it's special, but that was before I started the divorce from hell; the long goodbye the first Thanksgiving with the empty seat and now I selfishly wish family was near. I have to be happy with our small circle, 700 miles away was my choice and now she's almost grown and this is her home.

Missing Family

There's no place like home when you're facing the holidays alone. Especially after a year of exhausting body blows. When you're mind has nearly unraveled and your heart shattered; this becomes the time of the year when you need family the most. The first time a special day will pass with that empty space that is now void of who you use to love. Time to make a new tradition, since my daughter has her own life and she'll be in and out. I'll spend my time nestled on the couch between a few good movies and a new book or just napping since job number two has me on the graveyard shift of Black Friday. That's certain to make me blue, since I hold no affection for the mall. All I know is I wish Detroit wasn't so far away, going home would be worth quitting that job!!!

Missing Love

The pick of the litter, you pity. Knowing you can have plenty still leaves you less than full. Spread thin and left sharing little. Not even quality time can you devote for the prerequisite is that you not hide. That is the greatest obstacle unshielding the mask, it forces you to greet yourself and truly you have no clue. Buried under deceit and lies, you forgot how to recognize who you really are. Sad as you shift from one to the next, trying to satisfy an appetite with no taste. Your eyes stay out of focus because none are who you wish to see. Trying to touch what you cannot feel all because you're missing Love.

The Fixer

Someone has to be brave enough to do the hurting and someone strong enough to survive the pain was a post I made today on facebook. It originated from a conversation with my Mother that carried over with my best friend about all things that must come to an end. There is the person that identifies that for whatever reason they cannot continue on in the relationship and must be brave enough to walk away, leaving the person that was the fixer recovering from the pain. While I have been the The Hurter in a few cases, I find that my role is normally that of The Fixer. I unfortunately measure things in time and I place so much value on the number of years invested without viewing the quality of growth over those years. I guess I have this starting over complex, mainly because I don't like the dating game. I don't like meeting the representative of a new person then waiting for them to remove the mask to show me who they truly are. I have also had so many negative or bad experiences in relationships that a part of me began to believe that this was my normal and that I might as well get comfortable with where I am instead of going out to learn someone else's crap which might be worse. I had decreased my own self worth by convincing myself it was better to settle than to begin again or be by myself. Now that was a huge admission and statement. I just owned that I don't like to be ALONE. 

Well I have also learned that you can be in a room full of people and still be alone and you can live in a lifeless relationship, marriage or friendship and still be lonely as hell. If the people around you do not add value and I don't mean material things, I mean substance to your life then they are probably sucking the life out of you with their own selfish needs. I personally have abandonment issues, so I hold on tight for better or worse, well I use to. :-) Now I hold on to ME and only lean on others that truly love me, want the best for me and will encourage me to stand on my on for support when I fall apart. While my circle is small, I only have a few people that will let me scream and cry for my 2.5 seconds before they say okay now suck it up and while those words irritate the mess out of me, they are what build my muscles and each time I have to suck it up, I get stronger and the break down gets shorter. See I stopped focusing on fixing a broken relationship and I started fixing what was broken in me; that would allow me to hold onto a fragmented version of love. I had to put me together piece by piece and the puzzle is almost complete!!!!

Finish Line

I'm so close to the end of my year challenge but I must admit that some days I'm tired of blogging. I see the finish line so I keep going, but some days I would rather remain silent; it is still my safe place.

Well I purged again today, letting go of the final material thing that bonded me to the past. Now I just need the ink to dry and I will be free to cross the finish line.

No More Nice Girl

The heart I left open is becoming hard, overburdened by too many scars. I've walked a thin line between love and hate, now I'm off balance falling to the dark side. In life you meet people that only exist to test your morals. Well I'm too freaking tired now of being the nice girl.

Happy Moments

Happy moments, I take them when I can. They use to seem so far and in between but they are better today than yesterday, but not always promised tomorrow. It used to be second by second, now its a whole part of the day. Soon it will be week by week. Today's happy moment was my daughter walking out of her interview, hired on the spot!! She has a brand new cool job all because she ROCKS!!!

Doctor's Orders

The doctor said, "go home and rest for the next few days." Immediately my mind begins to calculate how much following that order will cost. I cringe knowing my pockets are paper thin and sick is a bad financial move. I think back on those times my parents pushed through feeling their worst. I wonder if back then they were doing the math on what sick meant to a family of five. At least they had each other, as a single mother I am who I lean on. Now I have to decide health over well being, when I need them both to keep going. As my daughter says, "the struggles real" so I can't afford to follow doctors orders. Sick's not in my budget.

Happy Birthday T'jai

For my T'jai...I remember the moment your big head burst on the scene your Mom was so brave trying not to scream. You had this head full of curly hair with bright brown eyes and those perfect lashes that girls would pay good money to have!!! Watching you, my first nephew come into this world made my life and heart full. Holidays and short visits here and there don't seem to be enough when the years are passing way too fast. Wishing I lived close to enjoy your basketball games or to deliver that gerbil in person since they will not allow me to send it through the mail. (I will get it to you somehow, I PROMISE!) I love the way you say AuntNei like only you can; a mix of I love you but hurry up and get off the phone. You have so much common sense for such a little man!! You make me laugh with your matter of fact attitude. Your text messages are the best, bringing me great joy, just to know you are thinking of me or that you are just bored. Lol!!! I love that you are such an intelligent young child, you've held my heart in your hand from the moment you arrived and I can't believe 12 years have come so fast. Oh and I know you like T. J. now, but you will forever be my T'jai!!! EARL!!!!!! 

H.A.P.P.Y. B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y. 

Freedom is Not Free

I've never served in a branch of the military, not from lack of effort. I joined ROTC with the intent of joining the navy. They denied me due to a medical condition. And while I will never pretend to understand what it means to walk even one day in the shoes of our service men and women. I do understand what its like to send your family into a war that you do not understand or agree with. The anxiety that you dare not show because they volunteered to be brave. They signed up to stand watch while we sleep fearlessly. We shed tears, while they shed blood. We live in the free world but it comes at a price, the life of someone's son or daughter, mother or father, sister, brother, cousin, nephew or friend. Someone's husband or wife paid with their life for our liberty.

Incomplete Due to Excuses

Firmly believing that people make time for whats important to them and excuses for everything else. I committed to blogging daily for one year when I started this because it was important to me and as it touched the lives of some it became a priority and not an option, even on days I have nothing to say. So I ask myself why am I a procrastinator in other areas that are equally or more important. My weight, while I've finally embraced the fact that thick women are beautiful. I know that I'm not healthy and this weight could kill me. I realize that I could walk out of my home and get hit by a bus; yes I know we all have to die, but it doesn't have to be from something we could have controlled. I have 100% control over what goes in my mouth and the amount of time I devote to exercise, so I ask myself is it that I don't want it bad enough? What am I putting in front of exercise; Excuses!

My point is one day putting these things off for tomorrow will not come. I will not get a redo and it will be too late to say later. If you know that you need to mend a broken relationship, do it. If your medicine cabinet resembles a pharmacy because of weight related medical issues then your fat is not sexy but deadly. If your finances are a mess and you owe the world then God can't trust you with more and your family and friends are not going to give you more. I was in a place with my parents that they had to help me so much that I stopped receiving Christmas, Birthday and Mothers day gifts and now instead of running to them with my reasons (excuses) for help, I either figure it out or I wait and go without. I grew up in that area because it was important to me to have an adult adult relationship and not an adult child relationship with them. It's time out for excuses let's do the important stuff now, it can't wait for later. I don't want my headstone to read, Incomplete Due to Excuses.

It is what it is...

I'm free falling and I've accepted that I have no control. It's like the domino effect, once one falls it triggers a response that topples the entire set, I'm falling and there is no emergency brake. I can't stop it, so all I can do is brace myself for impact. And once I've hit rock bottom I will evaluate the damage, repair and restore and begin my journey up again. I'm a big girl, I've fallen before and I have enough cushion to soften the blow. The difference this time is the lack of mental panic. I understand when the balance of things are upset that its a growth moment so I graciously accept that I am where I am; because it is what it is. And there's nothing I can do about it for now.

Someone has to go home

We went undefeated until tonight and I watched the kids shed tears as their hearts were crushed by the other teams defensive line. They were bigger, they were stronger, they were present and we came in the mental underdog. We moved up divisions this year and we played like we deserved it without many close calls; we balled!! But... we believed the hype this week and before we even saw our opponent the buzz was we wouldn't be able to hold them and we didn't. They ran all over us because we failed to out think our fear.

That mind game knocked us off our feet. Just like life, half of what you fail to accomplish is because you didn't believe that you could from the beginning. Words are life; they are our power or our weakness. What we say is what we create and what we display. Yes true enough that team was a powerhouse but instead of everyone talking about how good they were, we should have talked about our greatness. They didn't have anymore checks in the W column before the game than us, but at the end of the day someone had to go home with an L.

A Bigger Story

I love my blog it's my electronic diary that I openly share with the world and I have zero regrets since my transparency has definitely reached more than one, but I'm hungry now. My dream has always been clear. A published Author is who I will be. It's urgent now my story is bigger than my blog, my thoughts deeper and my words heavier. I have something to say and it will not stop at just one book. I review manuscript from my past and see my future. While some of my tragedies parallel many stories of others as we all connect through pain. My vision is not to let that be the tone. Healing is my ultimate goal. I've got something to say that will not fit in just one book. I have a bigger story to tell. I might need a movie screen for this!! I'm just saying!!

Both Ends of the Stick

Well it is the day after the election and I would like to begin this blog by thanking God there are far more good people on this earth than evil and the voice of the good put President Barack Obama back in office for four more years!!! Thank you Voters!!! Job well done!!

There is a saying sleep when you are dead; this phrase is commonly used by people that are always on the grind. To stop and sleep will interrupt their work flow especially if they are on the path to greatness or major success. See money does not discriminate, any of us could make it and plenty of it if we decided that we would not stop working for it. Unfortunately some people get so caught up in the money that they stop making it and instead let it make them. Other's burn the candle stick from both ends for so long that they get caught off guard when all goes dark. They don't realize what they have sacrificed until they have lost their family or friends, until the children resent them for never making it to the school play or missing too many birthday parties. They look up one day and the person in the mirror is a complete stranger because they never took a break long enough to enjoy the fruits of their labor. While I truly believe that we all could lead above average lives if that were our desire. I also believe that being rich does not have to come at the price of losing it all. Those stakes seem far too high in comparison, so while you are out on your grind don't forget those that support your hustle. Make time to enjoy the glow before the candle burns out.

PINS and NEEDLES

It's election night and many of us are streaming live on the internet and checking the social blogs for updates or maybe you are sitting near the television listening closely as the electoral votes go up. We've done all that we can do; our votes are cast and soon our voices will be heard as we learn who will be the 45th President of the free world. I have faith that my candidate will prevail, but if he doesn't we as the 47% know how to survive under unjust distress. As I scroll through my facebook account I see many people on pins and needles with each new red and blue mark on the map. As the polls close across the time zones we are watching not only what the folks out west have to say, but still biting our nails as we wonder what a few swing states like Ohio and Florida might do.

Well while we wait... I would like to say thank you to all of you that got out and exercised your right to vote. I must say that I am so proud of the youth, many of my daughter's friends and little cousins had their first chance to vote this election and I remember my first time at the poll when I helped elect Former President Bill Clinton into office. I submitted my ballot with such pride that day and I must admit that I get that same excited feeling every time I enter the poll booth because I know that it is the one time that I stand equal and that my color or gender don't matter. I count, just because I took the time to VOTE!! 

Speak Up Vote

Tomorrow's decision day!! Many of us have already cast our vote and yes my candidate is President Barack Obama!!! However, that is my choice and I exercised my right to use my vote to help return my candidate back to office. Many of us are just waiting for the day after the election. The tv ads will be over, no more rolling motorcade to halt the evening traffic. Soon the tension filled days at work will subside as the Loser's supporters accept defeat. It's an important political contest and someone came to win.

However, who wins is completely up to us and only matters if we cast our vote! I encourage you all not to lose your voice. Speak Up Go Vote!!!

Fall Back

It's that time of year again, we've falling back in time. I wonder if this is still relevant to the transportation world? None the less we added that hour and now the porch lights come on earlier. The extra blankets are pulled out and the thermostat adjusted to greet you with loving warmth after braving the cold.

For me it meant cleaning out my closets, looking for items someone else might need. It's chili season so the crockpot is in heavy rotation and all those cute socks I pray the dryer doesn't eat. There is nothing like a bad pair of boots to trample over the many fallen leaves. The hues of fall so splendid that you disregard the mess they leave. What will we ever do with an extra hour when the day still equals 24? I think I'll have a cup of hot chocolate while I ponder that.

My Pleasure

The correct response to thank you is my pleasure; not you're welcome. You're welcome implies you did it for them. My pleasure states that you saw a need that you gladly filled just because. If it is for your pleasure you don't feel slighted if thank you never comes. Your heart is content with doing a job well done and your ego does not need a pat on the back.  The absence of public recognition leaves no void and your mission of operating with an open heart continues on. The angry me use to be like and that blank didn't even say thank you, but I am learning that even those two words sometimes can never express a person's gratitude or lack there of. Some people just feel entitled; while others ashamed so instead of having an expectation in which most people will disappoint. Let your generosity demonstrate that you are living up to YOUR highest expectation. At the end of the day it is about being a better YOU!

Talk too Much

When you've decided to grow but those around you still operate with a closed-mind the frustration can lead to overtalking the issues in hopes that something you say will trigger them to see. How easy I strayed off track today as an unwanted situation was coming to an end. My only response should have been great can I help you with that bag, but instead I attempted to discuss selfish and rude actions with a person that has tunnel vision. What I learned about me is if people have watched you forgive someone over and over and they too are a user they begin to manipulate the circumstances knowing that you will forgive them to. This may seem cruel, but I'm done making new friends, my circle is good and it is way to exhausting to deal with someone else's moods. I don't have the energy or time to babysit someone else's feelings. I have my own issues to contend with. If I don't already call you friend, associate is as far as we can go. All that extra talking is just too much.

Emotional Reaction

Okay so life sucker punched you and that crap hurt. You're on the ground with blurry vision unable to focus on how to pull yourself up. Instead of scrambling, take a few deep breaths and calculate a plan. Don't respond from emotions; life already knows that you are mad, so its happy to continue chewing you up. Instead drop low in a hole, protect yourself; tend to your wounds and gather your strength before making your next move. When you decide your counterattack come out swinging with intentions to destroy anyone or thing that generates a negative emotional response from you. Anything capable of knocking you off your feet has too much control and power and now it's time to fight for your life.

The Hook Up

The meet and greet is so stale and the internet so spooky that I think if we all took a good look at our friend base, we could really hook some people up. All of us have those wonderful female friends and that oh so perfect guy; but not for you because he is just like your brother, play uncle, supposed to be cousin or best friend. However, he is such a nice guy and she is so sweet that they must meet. Well hook them up please! Stop listening to the I'm lonely conversation or how here comes another dateless Friday night. Pull out your bow and arrow and shoot cupid. What's the worse that can happen? You miss and they don't vibe on that level, but they just extended their own friendship base and six degrees of separation begins. At some point down the line someone I know that knows who you know, will eventually find one of our dear friends to like; keeping it all in the family. Plus it makes it easier to hang out when you already enjoy the company of those involved.

Can I Buy a Vowel?

We reach a place in our life where our decisions are about taking care of us. Many times saying No to someone else is the only way to say Yes to yourself. That does not make you selfish, but instead self aware. User's live in survival mode unable to see past their next come up and Giver's don't get exhausted until a User has knocked them to the floor, still trying to take more. A User never stops they just Giver hop, but when a Giver is tapped out that User can buy only one vowel, the "o" that completes NO!!

Too Late

That's my brother's nickname, but he has it for an entirely different reason than this blog. Lol...I was just thinking about something my therapist likes to say. "Some people can take 7 hits, some 14 and others 64 but no matter what your number is; when that number's up no one can hit you again." Thx, Dr. G. What he is talking about is tolerance and once you have been pushed past your limit you stop and at that point it is too late for whoever was doing the pushing. This is your only warning. I've stopped counting and I'm pushing back!

Not Fair

Life's not fair. Really? It's as fair as you make it. Okay you had crappy parents, so what. They served their purpose they were your vessel to earth. They didn't get a handbook and many of them had no clue they would suck at it until it was too late. They went into it praying to erase the mistakes of their parent's past, but didn't know how to correctly break that cycle. So you enter teenage life counting down the days until your great escape. Now you're free to make it all better, but how? Where are you going? See what I'm learning is that you can't outrun yourself. Now you're at this crossroad and you must decide to either face what's in the mirror so that you move forward or cower behind your past. Yeah life's not fair until you make it fair everything else was just an old traveled road, now its time to pave your own path. Life is what YOU make it. Happy Living!!!

Selfish People Can't Love

Unconditional love and selfish cannot operate in the same heart space. Many of you have traveled this journey of transparency with me and while I have written on a wide range of topics, today I finally voiced my opening sentence and the lights came on! I have asked why a zillion times and then I replaced the need to know why with just accepting the what, but just moments ago I uttered those words and realized that a closed heart cannot love if the focus is self. Selfish people do not like themselves which is why one of my favorite lines of hurt people hurt people is so true. If a hurt person does not like themselves and they are constantly struggling in their very being on how to face themselves each day in the mirror; then how can they like you? Let alone express love.

Okay bare with me, I am trying to articulate this, but I might have to pause and come back after I have a chance to wrap my mind around this new revelation.

To Be Continued: Let me think

Own It

Why is the truth considered judgement? If you did it Own It stop trying to excuse your decisions, behavior or actions. You did what you did because it was the best option for you at the time. Whether it achieved the desired results or not you must accept your choice. Now owning it doesn't mean you have to set up residence and get comfortable with it. Okay you gained a lot of weight (guilty) but the moment you own it you can decide what to do about it. A bad relationship, too much debt or picking out an ugly color to paint the bedroom. Maybe you didn't study as hard or long for that test. Did you decide to have sex too soon. Hey we don't have to speak to just the negative; you could have made all the socially acceptable choices and still end up mad, sad or frustrated. Did the family pressure you into becoming a doctor when instead you wanted to be an actor or you had the big wedding when all you wanted to do was elope.

My point in saying Own It is to take responsibility for your own direction. Use your own mind, speak up for yourself. Be brave enough to decide what choices you would like to commit to. Time out for sugar coating the truth. Stand up and admit Yeah I Did It and if they don't like it...oh well tough, but if you don't like it then decide to do better next time.

Still Standing

Still standing or Alive are becoming standard answers when asked how are you; replacing well and fine. So today I paused to really think about it and even engaged in a small side bar on the topic. If as Christians we know that our riches will be received in heaven and that all things great come with meeting our king. Why do we put so much emphasis on being alive this day. I think what we are really trying to say is we survived another day here on this earth, We didn't give up or give in. We didn't let the stress or struggles kill us. We made it just one more day to do what God assigned for us. My work here is not done, so I'm still standing until my Lord calls me home. I am Alive here on earth; but when I make it to heaven what a Life God has in store!!

Mind Your Words

It took just this last string of insensitive remarks from a Republican Senator to push one undecided, but almost positive that she would vote Republican to jump ship and place her early vote today to keep our President in office. Thank you Mr. Republican for not minding your words. Watching what you say or better yet how you say it is important in all situations. Frequently we use the phrase don't sugar coat it, why not? I'm not saying don't speak your truth or not to voice your opinion but tone and manner are just as important as verbage. Expressions and gestures tell a person a lot and eye contact seals the deal. You don't have to appear rude, nor scream and holler to express yourself. Most people stop listening at that point anyway. Have you ever heard the expression kill them with kindness? This works both ways; you achieve the desired effect and you save yourself stress, anguish and headache all by speaking nice. No need to come out of character to get your point across. And trust me kiss my ass still means kiss my ass whether you say it nice or nasty.

What Goes Around

That old saying that what goes around comes around, becomes mental bondage. I know a lot of people that would enjoy the satisfaction of seeing someone that wronged them experience the same level of pain. What we don't realize is that most people that cause a great deal of grief already live a personal hell. I've said it time and time again; hurt people, hurt people and waiting for them to receive their payback is just your hurt on display. Yes I'm stepping on my own toes as I type this message because I can interject a few but blank and blank deserves..., but who died and made me God. Funny thing is we spend so much energy hoping that karma catches up; that we seldom remember that we are less than perfect. We too have hurt someone along the way. Now what if that person is waiting for our get back.

Instead of wishing pain, I've decided that its best to pray. Prayers of forgiveness for us both. Prayers for peace in my heart and mind; that as a child of God I wouldn't want to see another of his children suffer and as a believer to accept that vengeance is not mine. Time to stop watching my blessings go by, simply because I'm waiting for hurt to come back around.

The Struggle

I've noticed a trend that many of us work our butts off full time, part time and the paper route, but the wheels just keep on spinning. I don't buy that the wealthy wanted it more or even worked harder to get it..I work hard and I'm sure many of the people I know in the struggle bust their behinds daily. So how do you develop a millionaire mind? What are the steps to getting the bank account off zero, the house in the hills or the villa by the coast.

Is it even money that makes you rich? Yeah money can afford you the finer things, but I know plenty of people in love with non-profits and wouldn't trade their salary that is dependent on approved grants in for the secure paycheck to save their life because it would kill their spirit. So I ask where is the balance, how do you escape the struggle without selling out to the dollar?

Do what you love and money will come and if it never does you don't miss what you've never had as long as your happy? Follow your dreams and in the right space with good energy you will attract money? Find a new career path if that's an option? I'm full of questions tonight simply because I don't believe life has to be this hard.

Bully

Bully has become a news worthy word since it has gone beyond school yard fights or lunch money demands. People are taking their own life to escape the bullies wrath. I've even noticed in my own teenager's life how she attempts to make me the butt of her jokes to fill silent space in the presence of others. I found myself explaining just tonight that she need not try to make someone feel small in order for her to feel larger and if she needed to hear chatter then talk about herself, that would be better. My tolerance level is a bit different since I've learned to stand up for myself and maybe before I'd laugh along with her and I'm sure she did not mean much harm, but if you do it at home. I'm afraid you might not notice a class mate or friend that wishes you would just leave them alone. Being the punchline of someone else joke isn't always funny. Sometimes that punch really hurts instead.

You Get Your Hand Back

I just watched last weeks episode of Grey's!!! Phenomenal!!! It brought awareness to the fact that letting go does not have to be negative or painful; instead it can be so liberating. Letting go is a power move. It is releasing that which has taken control of your direction; be it your parenting style, an unhealthy relationship with family and friends, that toxic intimate situation or your dead end career choice that leaves you unfulfilled. Whatever the vice that has your grip so tight, if you just STOP holding on out of fear, rejection, comfort or a false sense of security; that is when you finally get your hand back and can move with twice the speed in the direction set out for you. Letting go is like mastering a difficult yoga move, once you are not being pulled away from your center then you get your balance back. I gladly accept my hand back if it will put me on the path to live out my purpose!!

Time

Time a high stakes commodity; that's free but invaluable. Time cost nothing, but cannot be replaced. The distribution of time a personal decision based on what you view as priority. Some believe that time is money, others view it as a space to pause and relax. Regardless the view each day is equal from beginning to end only requiring us to decide how we use each moment from start to finish. One thing's for certain, you can't turn back the hands of time. It's important to keep it moving, correcting mistakes as you go if you can and if you can't atoning for them with no regrets. Accept that maybe you misappropriated some of your time, but as you reflect you learn that what's most important to you receives the bulk of your time.

Twenty Years

"What are you going to do with the next twenty years?" My therapist asked after the first session. Right away he wanted me to start thinking about living for tomorrow. In hindsight he was hoping that I would stop living in the past. One of his favorite analogies is that I don't need the slave master to force me into bondage. I've made abuse my prison for so long that I voluntarily lock the door and put on the shackles. My sick happiness, simply because I know no better.

And now here I am on the heals of a monumental number that I couldn't even dream of before and I'm ready to think ahead. To begin to cherish the moments and not wallow in yesterday's sorrow. To live again as if there might not be a tomorrow. To laugh and play, to have a string of good days just because. My only look back on the past twenty will be to give my testimony; from this day forward life is only about teachable moments. I embrace the good with the bad that is what built my muscles, lol I'm not even a fan of that Mary Mary song. However, I am a fan of the strength I continue to gain that will help me destroy the wall of pain I've built around me. Sadly I believed that if I never moved outside of the walls of hurt that it couldn't get any worse. Dying having lived a dead life is worse than facing the fact that I might just be happy if I just accept what was. I can't change it, but I can make each moment forward better. God might not give me one more second, but I'm going to live that second like it is the next twenty!! I'm coming ALIVE in MY LIFE!!!

Reintroduce Yourself

Your whole life is a lie. All the names that have been ingrained in you, like useless or stupid, worthless or worse are just not true. They are a projection of how your mental abuser feels about themself. Now what do we do with all those words? How do we reprogram? It takes so much work. Words are not like physical wounds that you cover until they heal. Words stick like glue and the scrubbing hurts to gain release, but if we borrow a few words from Kathryn Stockett, author of The Help remember that "You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” but she said something deeper...“Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, "Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"

When we heal the mind and decide on our own who or what we really are; only then will we be able to reintroduce ourself.

Hurt People, Hurt People

It never fails that when I learn something knew and profound about myself, a real life example grabs me by the face and the ME I'm working on not being is demonstrated so clear. Fear takes us places we never could imagine, pulling us into holes or cycles that we desperately would like to escape or break. We find ourselves gravitating to what is comfortable even if it's dysfunctional and instead of being better than our past we find ourselves passing it on. Spending time repeating our horror story; mostly to make ourselves look better. Not because we intentionally want to slander the other; but out of fear that the few people that love us might not view us as better. The desperate need for acceptance forces hurt people to hurt people.

Self-Made Mind

The power of a self-made mind borderlines on dangerous. If you have the power within to decide for yourself how far you will go with your own life, how amazing is that. How unstoppable, how incredible, how certain you are that even if the course becomes difficult that you find an inner strength to continue on. I am on the verge of starting a second job, not because I want to but out of necessity and all the while I am planning for the long days and never ending shifts, I remind myself that the framework is shifting and now that I am directing my mind even in my darkest moments; when exhaustion threatens to shut me down that I have to pull from a place of sheer reserve and make it past this very temporary moment. I don’t know how long this season will last, I don’t think JOB planned his life of suffering and many days I say please don’t ask me to pray any harder, but as my Mother likes to say. “It will be okay.” I might not know when or even how many more steps I need to take in the dark before I will see the light, but what I do know is we all have within us a self-made mind that will take us as far as we would like to go. No one can stop Me but Me and if I approach the rest of my life just like that; then what mental riches will I gain from knowing I did all I made up my mind to do!!!

But God

Some of my Christians might be appalled by my next statement, but somedays I just can't handle another but God phrase. It doesn't mean I believe any less, but I'd dare to say that God understands when we get a bit upset at even him. When we are living right, good at heart with no foul intentions and still we find our feet sinking in a pile of crap. Somedays I can't take anymore "You can do it speeches." I don't want to hear how strong, brave or proud. My big girl undies have a hole and all my energy is leaking out. I'm looking at it like this. At one point it was second by second and now I can manage several days, but don't bagger me into the pull yourself up talk if by day four I'm completely exhausted from making it through days 1-3. Even more I need another story than JOB . I'm tired of long days of suffering; yes today I'd like that quick fix or maybe just some release that let's me know that God is even paying attention to all the hard times I've overcome. So if we must say But God, can you tell him I need a break.

Sound of Trees

Funny I didn't even think about writing today. I've tried resting for quite sometime today and picked up my phone to watch this weeks Scandal episode when my blog page pulled up and I was like wow this didn't cross my mind. I meditated today sitting at the hotel on the patio listening to the trees blow. Much like tonight I feel my mind and body settle as I lay in my bed and the trees rustle, I know that I'm okay. My head space improving, my heart healing and forgiveness in my soul. I know from this day forward that if I never looked back I would be okay and when you stop anger and hate from setting up camp, you find a peace that God wanted for all of our lives.

The Power of Black

I've spent the last two evenings rubbing elbows with the Urban League and while the attendees have been a true hoot, my dear cousin included; the information has been invaluable. First I would recommend the movie Won't Back Down especially for US that have grown up union. We get so caught up in our rights sometimes losing sight of what's right. I will not spoil the plot, but tonight's feature The PowerBroker the life of Whitney Young a social worker turned civil rights mediator, negotiator and visionary. A forgotten name who was just as inspiring as Martin Luther King, just as influential forging relationships with three Presidents Johnson, Kennedy and winning over Nixon to join a platform that was needed to fund projects to help those in need. How the two evenings tie together is one was a fight for a school while tonight demonstrated how Young's father ran a school for 40 years with a secret curriculum. The common goal was just to do better, to give our children a chance at greatness. We must remember as we begin to lead that our fight should not be about just what we see as right, but what is best for all involved.

Not A Test

Some young lady started this FB fanpage that's titled "A Relationship is Not a Test, so WHY Cheat?" I must agree. A Relationship is a decision not a game. Remember the stick character picture that circulated with the boy running with the girls heart in his hand and she was exclaiming stop that hurts. Well it's does because it beats, bleeds and breaks and its not a toy. I've said this a million times before, no one ever has to be hurt by a cheater; if that person would just accept that they are better off single. Cheating is about greed and selfishness. It is not about what's missing at home and if something is missing at home it would be you (the cheater) because you are to preoccupied to nourish what you already have and instead you exchange that for temporary pleasure. The other woman or man is supposed to make you feel better. They don't come home to you each night, they don't have to figure out the bills, car repairs or child's braces. They get to engage in your pretend life, where every moment is that first high; euphoria!!! They understand so well why you don't have a good spouse and they can make it all better. Stop and think when was the last time you gave your spouse that missing attention?


Truth is the moment you realize the grass is not greener and she trades in the come do me pumps for the granny gown, you understand that all the years, sweat and tears were not worth tearing down for a watered down version of your spouse and what makes it worse is you have to face the fact that she has no class because she was willing to cheat with your low down ass. And I don't discriminate because I know plenty of women with a man on the side. That makes you just as wrong. People just be fair let's stop grooming people for marriage and instead let's begin with honesty. Don't rip apart the one organ we all need our heart. Destroying lives, building insecurities and killing trust; when you could have declared I don't think I'm relationship material and I don't want to see you hurt if I can't keep my pants zip or skirt down. There's nothing wrong with starting a movement that supports staying single instead of being a cheater.

Example of Courage

I woke up to a thank you text from my cousin saying how much my Auntie loves my blog and how thankful she is that her Mom took some major steps towards getting her happiness back. Sad thing is I didn't even know that my Auntie was going through. She is the perfect example of calm in the mist of the storm. Her grace, love and support unwavering. Her infectious smile and laughter would leave the outside world none the wiser. My cousin's request write something uplifting because she is so HAPPY to have her Mommy back. My response, Auntie is the encouragement; the example that God gave us all the inner strength to reclaim our peace. Mines came in this open forum for reasons just like this. I'm sharing the life so many other women are living , but we don't all have our voice yet. Some of us cry, others smile, some of us scream and fight and I've done them ALL. But a woman with grace can silently stand tall and gently love her way out the door. I may not be the greatest example, but I realize that at times we must all learn to lead. By displaying your strength you might help someone else find their courage!!

Writers

I love to read the blogs of others. A community that isn't represented by a race or gender nor age or status. We are United through vocabulary. Some simple words others more complex, all strung together displaying our style best. My favorite tool a number 2 pencil and a blank page. While other's thrive off the latest electronics. Old school writers my still change the ribbon on a typewriter, but we all have one goal and that is to bring our words to life. We all have a story that's why we write!!!

Get Back Up

When you fall down or in this case fall off the important thing is to get back up. Don't wallow in the self pity, don't accept shame and don't believe the lies of defeat. I just didn't feel like exercising today and I was almost crass in my short answer of NO to my accountability partner. I didn't care about the look of really please on her face. I didn't even bother with a reason why. I just didn't feel like it today and what's worse is I know that's when I needed to push through the most. So tomorrow is another day and I have to encourage myself to get back up. Start again and keep trying...I'm too tired to be my own cheerleader. I'll give myself this pep talk in the morning. Good night

Within

Inspiration can come from anywhere; a great song, service, a sista-friend, good book or movie but once the message has been delivered, it is left to us to receive and place it into action. We must be inspired from within or its just a good message we heard once that will eventually fade away. Instead of talking about your dreams spend sixty days working on them and see how far you will go. If you can create or break a habit in just twenty days, then sixty should turn your habit into a lifestyle and instead of talking about your dreams; you will be living them!!! Write three pages a day and before you know it the book is finished. Register for school today before another four years pass on bye. Vow to lose one pound a week and that will be fifty-two pounds down in a year. Nothing is impossible unless you don't work for it. Don't just get motivated, get moving!!

Her Key

Pretty as a Princess all dressed in white my babygirl this homecoming night. Time waited for no one and now she's almost grown. Major life transitions have come my way and still I must prepare to send my little girl on her way. Blessed to have raised a strong warrior. Grateful for the village that surrounds us. Praying that she has enough of all the right stuff to face this cruel world and that its sadness never skews her optimistic view. Lord I trust you to keep her safe, but just because I'm Mom I'm still burning the midnight oil; until I hear her key turn the door.

A Giving Heart

I'm nervous that my heart isn't in it. I believe in tithes and offerings, but I'm learning about seed. I was moved and all ready to sow seed today and then unable because we never found anyone to collect and my thoughts of I will just do it online turned into but now I need to do this or I did that and I just can't see it in my budget now, but that must be what's wrong with the budget. I'm holding on so tight. I give to others, picking up lunch or paying for the kids to get in the game. I'll give my last to a stranger and the homeless can make a living off of me, but giving to increase my own blessings I still hesitate. Am I afraid of going broke or afraid of the doors God will open up if I redirected my giving heart?

Greatness Stands Alone

Something taken away is not always a loss. God didn't bring you to it, not to bring you through it. BUT you must be willing to go toe to toe with the disappointment and pain. Have faith that the breakthrough is greater than the breakdown. Release that relationship, that friendship, that job and yes even those family members that don't nuture your growth. Concentrate on that which adds value or at the least support. Bishop Jakes said tonight, "misery always has company." Greatness stands alone.

Sisterhood Pain

Bonded by pain a sisterhood grew. I use to say if opening my life only helped one my work was done, but how I'm flattered knowing so many trust me to hold their hand; because I understand. Our shoe size the same and the path beaten but if we choose the road less traveled our journey will be brighter. Pain forged our sisterhood, but we shall not wallow. Let's stop meeting at the coffee pot to commiserate those old stories. Now is the time as women that we build each other up. Please take my hand and I will pull you up. I need for you to understand that you are greater, more powerful than the lies you've been told. As Apostle said to me last Friday, "You are a treasure chest of precious gems." You are heavens gift. How mighty is our story of victory!!

Pretty Girl

Hey Pretty Girl don't you cry; can't you see how beautiful you are? Did you misplace your self confidence? Please look beyond those scars, that missing tooth can be replaced. Wipe away the fear he instilled by pulling that knife. Praise God that the bullet missed, he saved you to encourage the next young lady that her life is worth living. Don't get lost in the reflection of that black eye. You are not defined by those choke marks. Stand proud and tall for what you see staring back is the strong, brave new you. Tougher and brighter, you are a fighter. No longer prisoner to the beatings inflicted on you. God pulled you through the storm because he knew how valuable your testimony would be. Don't hurt over the abuse, you did nothing wrong. Pray for your enemy to regain your peace. Don't let him win by harbouring hatred in your heart. Just ask that God have mercy on the day he must recount why he put his hands on a life that the Father created.

A True Story, My Story. Stop Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I am a poster child of Domestic Violence and while I survived the physical abuse, I've spent years in mental captivity because the wounds were covered up nicely, but the healing never took place. I've lived twenty years with a lot of dirty bandages; which caused the infestation that created the story of my life. Living in silence played a major part of why I continued to allow the same type of people in my life. Not that they were all physical, but they were all abusers. Pain was my normal and since I was rotting from the inside out due to the unhealed wounds, I didn't have an image of what a healthy relationship looked like. I did not know I was worthy of kindness, real love or respect. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was a broken person. I just began my journey to finding my self worth January 4, 2012 when I broke my silence with this blog and still I didn't start therapy until June. I'm taking baby steps and somedays I still find myself crawling, but the most important thing is I began. And I encourage any person living in that silent hell to seek help, because you really are not living if you afraid.

The National Domestic Violence Awareness website and hotline number are below:


http://www.nrcdv.org/dvam/

1-800-799-7233

Like it, Love it

The saying goes fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What if there are just situations that enter our life that we continuously play the fool for? Is it foolish to love your spouse no matter what? Didn't we promise for better or worse? But we have placed limits on our worse. Jesus took ALL of our sins and died for them. Now how much worse can it get than sacrificing ones life. We let our children play us like a fiddle, but we love them so unconditionally that we instantly forgive. No one judges us worse than those closest to us and they label it out of love, but is wanting what they see as best for us love or is accepting what you want for you true love? The kind of love that might not like or agree with your choice, but will take the road of if you like it, I love it. 

Paying It Forward

Someone said, "that's nice of you." My response, "No, that's required of me." God does not bless us for us to hold onto that reward. We are blessed to pay it forward. To not just have a grateful heart, but a giving and serving heart. It finally makes complete sense in my mind. I've been thinking too small and possible selfishly, but not intentionally. I was focusing inward instead of outward. God provides for you, so if your needs are met then its time for you to help provide for others. It's not always money, but time, conversation, counsel, a ride, encouragement or even a smile. Somedays a hug goes a very long way. Paying it forward is such a small price in comparison to Jesus Life.

The Anointing

I didn't just attend a wedding today, it was an experience!! The Anointing!!! That filled that space. Jesus showed up and showed out!!! Made me want to shout!! Small intimate, blessed for two. Back where it all started a house party; that same beautiful space they exchanged more than wedding vows. They exchanged all their past for this brand new life. I can't predict the future, but I'd put my last dollar that this ones forever. Oh what beautiful hope that love does conquer all. As the Apostle stated this is how unions work when you don't interfere with God. Oh Lord I will wait to hear you say, because I believe my day will come. I can testify how awesome you are when we operate from Agape Love.

Silent Suicide

Stress kills is far from a joke. It's the silent type, creeping up on you like a thief in the night. Running rampage through your veins causing confusion in your mind. It's a slow moving pressure almost like an avalanche picking up momentum as it goes, until one day you find yourself ran over and buried. Proper sleep, exercise, meditation and prayer are all useful tools. Some even result to happy pills just to ease the anxiety. I didn't realize how real stress was until it attack my mind and body and I didn't realize that it would be an everyday fight just to stay above water. All I can say are my days are filled with prayer. Thank you Father for your open door policy.

Box

Career wise I went from a fish bowl to a glass ceiling. Now I can see the sky, but I'm still stuck. The energy level is magnificent and the people progressively forward, but the role still has limits. I had a meeting today to address goals and thinking outside the box proved to be futile when people misjudge your capabilities by the diminished role you serve. In my heart I know all roles will feel stagnant until I'm doing solely what I love. In an effort to breathe I took out my writing material the only outlet that helps me reach far beyond the sky. I was free in those moments and realized that I'll never be happy living inside a box. Neither should you; go do what you love!!

Diary of A Mad Black Woman pt. 2

Tyler wrote it first, but I must agree that if something happened; legally I would be the one pulling "Diary of A Mad Black Woman" rank. So no matter how hard you play let's pretend at the end of the day the business is mine. No one gets to sign their name, pick out any colors, write your story. Not that 2.5 seconds can claim they know you. It's been my blood, sweat and tears. Your biggest cheerleader and at times your greatest enemy. When the hospital calls they are looking for next of kin, not next in line. The one with the legal name, not doodled on the legal pad. Just because my back is turned headed for the door; wondering why did I get married? Don't mean I want pause long enough to "tap that ass" in my Jill Scott voice, "don't try me." We can recreate TP movies all day. "Hot Grits" anyone!!!

Time Running Me

I started my day by claiming to stop procrastinating as I run up against my blog deadline because I was running behind on my group project which put me in a jam for my individual work. I'm so tired now from the clock running me that I'm glad I'm out of time to make this too long. Good night.

Twenty Three

I am so happy to announce that this day was so much better than I expected and far better than I hyped myself up to make it. I have replayed this day in my mind for sometime now, convincing myself that it was important to reframe it. To give it a different meaning, but I spent far too much time over analyzing it when all I really had to do was live it and not wish it away. It actually became one of my most productive days and not the force yourself to stay busy, but the I am so thankful that I had so much to do busy. I shed some tears but they were actually from just wanting my Grandfather to be here. I found pleasure in shopping (who knew those two words would ever go together) I was able to spend some quality time with my daughter's Godmother and my friend of twenty years as she prepares for her big day this Friday; a new marriage and her big move to Texas. I am so happy for her and sad for me that she will not be right here in Georgia, but now we have one more place to go visit!!! She introduced me to a strange new place to enjoy lunch Fresh2Go gets two thumbs up. She was a voice of reason with Jhys and we found the perfect Homecoming dress and shoes that did not break the bank or budget. I was able to chat with my Bff love hearing her voice and can't wait for her visit in two weeks. I cleaned the car with my favorite girl and delighted in the wonderful dinner she made for just us two!! I am sure that if I count I have 23 plus reasons to be grateful that this day came!! Mainly because God gave my Grandfather 91 amazing years and I was able to spend 34 of those year with him. He displayed unconditional love and for that life lesson alone, I will forever LOVE HIM BACK!!!

Dedicated to Ralph P. Washington Sr. Half Man, Half Amazing!!! All LOVE!!

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

Some days I look at myself and all I see is that green thing from ghost busters with all the rolls, so not cute. Frustrated this morning as I weighed in and the scale went up .8lbs, not quite an entire pound gained, but NOTHING loss and I was upset. I exercise everyday, I track what I eat and the numbers failed me. Well I failed the numbers somehow. Now I must restart; new game plan,  time to review the current strategy until I find the correct formula that will move the fat to the floor so that I can officially knock it out. Yes I know I did not get here overnight and I will not be thin in the morning just because I am thinking about it. I have given myself a year and half realistically to reach my goal and I am not kicking myself in the butt for this one weigh in, all I am really saying is that when you hit the floor you must get back up and try again or you will always be afraid and Lord knows I can't afford to be afraid of the scale going up. I have to fight like Mike to make sure it only goes down and no biting anything bad when I begin to lose. It must be fair and square that I evaluate everything that makes a jab for my mouth. Okay enough of the fight metaphors. Real deal is this is a battle Me vs. the Bulge and "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" in my Michael Buffer voice!!!! He is so fine and has the best hair!!!

It's Her Life

It is impossible to live vicariously through another person, especially your children. They will only resent you for it in the end. Today we went shopping for homecoming; by now everyone knows shopping is not a favorite past time of mine, but this is a special occasion so I grin and bare. Well my baby looked like an angel in almost all the dresses she tried and it was fun, until my neighbor who was with us asked her about being on Homecoming Court. A mute subject for us because I know my daughter and that is so not who she is, even if she is popular enough to be crowned queen. She politely answers that she told her peers to take her off the ballot. Crushed I instantly became, out of pure selfishness of wanting to relive the moment I didn't have through her.

My daughter politely explained that she did not want the crown and she felt it best to move aside for a student she knew that really wanted it. This is so my child, never concerned with the popularity contest or designer names, please don't talk to her about the latest hip hop, because she prefers alternative bands. Don't ask her to follow the crowd or to repeat the latest fad. I even told her that we need to get her toe reset and she replied...Mom don't try to make me over, I'm fine just the way I am.

And while I cringed inside as the mental picture of her walking the football field in the royal court becomes a blur in my mind. I must admit how proud I am that she is so secure in being who she wants to be. That girl doesn't buckle under peer pressure even if it comes from me. Gotta love her, she is one special pretty lady!!!

Re-reading

I was writing another blog tonight and then I read a post about re-reading the last chapter and the thought came to me that its almost like history; we need to know it but we don't have to repeat it. Telling the "what" of your story means you're still searching for "why" and we don't understand that we can't ever answer why for another person's actions or decisions because we have no control, zilch, zero, nada CONTROL over why other people do what they do.

Now here is the fun part we do have CONTROL over US!! Meaning we only have to hurt as long as we allow the events to replay in our minds or as Oprah likes to say "until we give up hope that things could have been different." We can choose not only to stop re-reading the last chapter, sometimes going to the next chapter isn't going far enough. We might want to pick up an entirely different book and change the subject all together. Don't get stuck turning the same pages, your fingers hold more power. Pick up the pen or pencil and write your own story, its more interesting than re-reading yesterday's pain.

Sasha has my head spinning

Okay Sasha and I are about to fight, before she was just annoying. I couldn't shop where I liked which didn't matter because I don't like to shop. At other times she was a bit embarrassing , but if you dressed her up right she still could pull off cute and sexy. Now not so much and she took a turn for the worse, every since I planned her goodbye party, she has been a real "B." All of a sudden she has my head spinning and after all these years she has my blood boiling topping in at some outrageous numbers. Never suffered from blood pressure issues before, but she thinks she's slick trying to stick me with a pill twice a day. She is killing my leg, pains that make me want to pull it off. She didn't want to go away gracefully, so now I have to fight. I had to recruit backup, an accountability partner and a support group. I was just trying to turn that fat chic into a swan, before she turned me into a corpse. This is my fight to bring out the healthy in me. It's not about being skinny or paper thin, it's a life fight that I'm going to win.

***If you are new to my blog Sasha is what I've named my excess weight...I've been blogging daily since Jan 4th, so you will have to backtrack to read the Sasha humor from the beginning.*** Thank you for your support!!!

PLEASE VOTE FOR US

I AM A YOUTUBE STAR!!!! No seriously, I need your support!!!! My co-worker put together this video and entered us into a contest to win admission to the Tony Robbins UPW event in Orlando, now I NEED FOR ALL OF YOU TO SHARE THE VIDEO TO HELP US WIN!!!! We are one of the five finalist and sharing last until Friday!!! So please share on Facebook, on Twitter and on your Blogs!!! Using this bit.ly link below. The VIDEO WITH THE MOST SHARES WINS AND THAT MUST BE US!!!

https://www.facebook.com/#!/TonyRobbins

http://bit.ly/NAmrI6

Some Kind of Way

I posted today that I was feeling some kind of way and that I wanted my head buried under my pillow. It had nothing to do with a broken heart, that is mending quite nicely. I will not deny some days of sadness, but I think I have made it past the can't sleep, losing my hair and emotional eating moments. However, I am only human so forgive any relapse as we approach the first anniversary that is not. It is almost like death when you get to those significant dates and you have to make it past them. Well it is the same for me, I have to give the dates a new meaning or maybe no meaning at all. Lucky for me the love my Granddaddy gave me was so over the top that I will not allow the memory of his birthday to be tarnished by sitting in a pool of unnecessary misery.

My feelings today were more on the numb side, not really negative but more neutral while still giving myself the you can do it big girl pantie pep talk. I realize that being pessimistic sucks the life out of you, but being optimistic sometimes is just not realistic, so today I was feeling some kind of way because I didn't really want to have to talk myself out of being one so that I could be the other. If I put my head under the pillow I could just disappear and be nothing.