Life is not a book

Life is not a book until I finish writing mines; then it will be all about my life. Like the blog, love the book!! Life is not a book is what my mother would tell me as I expected that happy ever after ending that I got from a different book every night, when a book a day wasn't enough and I couldn't move about this earth without my nose stuck between the pages. I went from romance addict to self help junkie reading and rereading all the ways I could fix all of life's disappointments since my situations never ended like my books. Well I've recently picked up my trusted friends again a variety of subject matters to provide yet another mental escape. A place to smile and laugh, a perfect vivid picture of the characters and their towns or homes come to life in my mind. The urgency has returned to run to the book store or library. I'm falling back into my haven of inked black pages. I think I will start an online book club, the dialogue would be great; what do you think?

Pieces of my heart

I'm writing tonight because I'm trying to keep my word, not because I have anything to say. I don't want to rehash the pain today because no matter how much or little I talk about it. It doesn't seem to go away. I don't want those false moments of happiness that give me hope that one day soon life will be normal again; that I no longer believe. What I'm sure of is when you've found true love and your heart breaks it will never completely heal, now I'm forced to learn to live with the pieces that are left.

STOP

I'm not sure if its a full moon tonight or not, but seems like people are moving on, up or beyond and no one is standing still. God is not the author of confusion and he would much rather we stand still, before we hurry our way into a hot mess. My girlfriend tried to play match maker today, God Bless her intentions. She just doesn't want to see me hurt, so a nice distraction she felt might work. Well after one conversation in which I don't get a word in edge wise, he begins to send "can you send me some pics sexy" text messages. I promise I would like to scream everytime I hear that line, you've never seen me so how would you know if I'm sexy?? HELL NO, I do not want pictures of me stored in some random strangers phone. Ugh...needless to say, I think I will be happy at the intersection of how am I doing and God I will wait on you, because if I keep circling the block I'll end up with exactly what I'm trying to stop a cycle of bad choices and let's do it my way mistakes. Lord tonight I'm grateful to come to a stop while you direct traffic, when I go my way I end up lost every single time.

Brick by Brick

I wrote a goodbye letter awhile ago and it was thanking the person for all the reasons they came into my life. I forgot how therapeutic the process; helping move the emotion of pain into the energy of thanksgiving. In my case this person was sent to teach me forgiveness and anger management. They themselves did not counsel on the lessons, but instead took me so far and deep inside the opposite of those emotions that I had no choice but surrender to the lessons or hurt someone. That is when I understood that they didn't take me anywhere. I had so little control over my mind that any amount of provocation would send me from zero to 60 with no warning and once there I did not know where forgiveness should come from; instead allowing the anger to physically eat me inside out. The destruction left me violently ill from my head to my ankles. Pleading why to God wondering what I did to deserve this type of hurt, never once taking responsibility for self inflicting the pain. Have you even wondered why God let it happen to you? Had it ever crossed your mind that he didn't? You did it and he didn't violate your will, but was right by your side after you tore your life apart, willing to help you separate the bricks from the rocks so that you could rebuild a solid foundation. The first brick I picked up was marked forgiveness and it was the heaviest, but once in place thanksgiving, love and peace fit perfectly helping restore or in my case retrain my mind; making gratitude my new attitude to appreciate all of the good and bad that enters my life.

Blocked by Choice

Today I made the decision to block some people and delete others. Today I accepted that they decided that they could not treat me the way I deserved and while it is their choice to behave as they choose, it is also my choice to accept or not accept their decision. I use the option over priority quote on almost all of my signatures, but I realized this morning that I was allowing myself to be just an option by not blocking the things that don't make me a priority.

I realize that you do not have to accept others bad behavior towards you even if it's in the name of love. Love them from over there; because if you are honest with yourself loving them up close hurts even more, so pick a corner and love them from a distance.Yes, this too will hurt but at least you have made giving yourself enough space a priority to have the option to heal if you so chose to. Blocking and deleting is not running or hiding it is accepting that dealing with them only makes it worse and makes you weak, you need distance and time to gain your strength to face it head on when the time is right or to be brave enough to know that no amount of time invested or wasted will ever change the situation.

Today, I don't just use this quote as a closing, but as my opening to apply it to all of my new beginnings therefore I have modified to personalize for myself... I will "Never allow someone to be MY priority while allowing MYSELF to be their option". gabrielita 

Triggers

The smallest conversation or a business that shares the same name can be enough to send you back down to ground zero. Stirring up that sadness living in your core. Sunglasses hiding the truth that your eyes scream to tell, can't mask the tears streaming down your face. All the love in the world can't make up for the constant ache for the one you love. Accepting that I will miss you everyday as if you'd passed away seems so unfair when others have to live with that sheer reality, but my mind knows better...you are out there somewhere just beyond my reach. The smallest conversation set off this spiraling trigger and no matter how we wish to hit rewind we can't fast forward through this time. I talked pain into this corner and now its fighting back, trying to go one more round. My how I wish hearing your name didn't matter.

Control

Do you really have control over your own life? Having faith in God is accepting that he has already written our beginning and end. However that's not my angle tonight but it will come full circle with that last line being the ultimate conclusion. Let's talk about control from an outside view, it seems as if so many people have so much to say about everybody and everything else, which is a wasted investment because there is no true return on inflicting your opinion on the lives of others. I was told once that you should only offer advice to those that ask, but most of us are guilty of being judge, jury and gossip columnist when it comes to what someone else should do with their life. So... I ask what about you? What makes you the expert and just because your view looks good to you which it should To You, doesn't make it a perfect picture for someone else, maybe their picture doesn't fit your frame. God told us to love our enemies, do you wonder why? To me it is simply that we are all different, with different beliefs and directions that doesn't make us wrong, it just makes us US, and if we loved despite of... we would spend less time trying to force change on others and more time accepting that they are accepting who we are even if we think we are perfect that's not the view they see, they just don't waste time trying to control who you are.

Sisters

We are on a crowded flight headed to my sister's Denver home, a place of rest and overdue family fun. No matter what your family dynamics there comes that moment when the distance is too far and the time too long and you find yourself in need of the comfort of home. I've never heard my sissy so excited and I must say its contagious, I'm so looking foward to this long weekend visit. The late night talks over a bottle of wine or two. Curled up on the couch watching a few good movies and some great food because I'm don't think I've mentioned that my sissy's culinary skills extend beyond great; that Sista can burn!!! An added bonus my Mom is here and no one kisses my jaws like she does. My nephew who is beyond intelligent, more like brilliant and mini me, my niece with the perfect AuntNei attitude!!! I'm just grateful for this time to spend in their loving arms. And even though the time difference gave me a few additional hours I still managed to post before midnight on the east coast!!!

The Impact Zone

After an exhausting day I came home to be a couch potato, joining my daughter who was watching the movie based on the true life events of Bethany Hamilton the surfer, who lost her arm when a shark attack. An amazing survival story, but as it closed a reporter asked if she could go back would she change that day and her response was "if I changed that day I wouldn't be in front of you and because of that I have embraced more people with one arm than I ever could with two." Another notable quote is that "when you reach the impact zone, get back up because you never know what's above the next wave." Faith and grace are the things that got her through as I joined the movie just as she was crying to Carrie Underwood's character about not believing God had this in store for her life and I watched her walk away from the sport only to find passion for it again as she was serving and sharing love on a mission trip in a tsunami devastated Thailand. Do you see all of the God Words in this message: Love, Serving, Trust, Gratitude because at the end she was thankful that her tragedy became her testimony to inspire the world, making the impact zone her Victory!! So fitting was the hook of the closing song as the credits rolled, "Life is just a wave!!" We ride the highs and the lows of this life, but it is what we do in the impact zone, we learn, adjust and rise!!!!

Girls just wanna have fun...

Do you ever get tired of just being tired. I'm ready to let my hair down, kick off my shoes and just chill. A tall glass of any adult beverage, maybe a hot stone massage. How about a girls day out, pamper me pretty style. Paint my toes pink and my nails red who cares if they don't match just as long as they scream fun. Tickle my feet to make me laugh until my side hurts. Let's dance in rain puddles while I bottle my troubles and erase my pain. Let me take a moment to remember what its like to just have fun!!!

Giving God my hand

It's another restless night, I don't even try to sleep anymore; just a little rest I've learned to be grateful for. Here I am at the top of the morning writing tonight's blog, because the question asked was, "what are you stressed for?" I can't say a specific thing, I'm stressed over looking for peace. Isn't that just weird? It's like I'm watching my life from the sidelines. I go through all of the motions. I get up, I put on my face for the day and I function, but I'm just coping. I realize this must be a trust deal. It's like I keep giving God my hand and then I snatched it back. Please Lord I pray just release me from this uncertainty I feel. The anxiety of it all has me climbing walls. And then finally as my eyes decide to close the clock goes off and I have to face yet another day. I pick up Jesus Calling and God answers... I'm quoting out of order but this is what my Lord had to say "It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire." He goes on to answer that my "part is to trust" and close to the end reminds me that I forget that he is in control of my life...because he is Lord!!! I wish somehow I could buy the whole world this life saving, changing little book, all I can say is thank you Sarah Young for using the Lord's word to remind me daily that it all depends on trust.

Communication

It's not always what you say, but how you say it and sometimes that you attempted to say anything at all. Communication comes in various forms via your body language or showing up as support, listening and of course talking. The goal is to be effective at it. Most people find themselves repeating the same things over and over because they never feel heard especially if there is no resolution at the end of the conversation. Many couples feel so misunderstood when they communicate that they turn to outside allies for validation. We've all heard the expressions..."I just want to be heard" or "it would be nice if you listened." Lack of communication is the source of great frustration and the break down of relationships on so many levels. It would be nice if we learned how to take turns speaking and listening the same way we learn to read and write and for advanced courses we could learn to mirror it back by restating what we just heard..."what I hear you saying" helps the speaker hear how the listener received the information and creates a dialogue for clearing up any misunderstandings right away. Let's work harder at having less one sided conversations and really become effective in all facets of communication. Remember you are not the only one with something to say.

Big cousin, little cousin

Today has been super funny, we played date crashers on my daughter's first dinner date. The joy was not the WOW expression on the children's faces even though that was funny as ever, but watching the roles reverse as I use to be the overprotective big cousin and now my little cousin is doing the same with my daughter. I remember when him and his brother were just my babies. I'm forever grateful to my cousin and his wife for starting this birthday tradition and making the road trip just to spend time with my baby!!! I love you both!!!

Dont block your blessings

Learning to say thank you instead of thank you but no thank you comes with accepting the blessings God has lined up for you. Someone said "you are so lucky." My response was No, I'm blessed and with that blessing I'm grateful that they saw in me what I always knew was there, but once revealed that I had the courage to say yes and accept the blessing in front of me. Don't just think when God sends a blessing your way that the giver doesn't become a recipient as well. They just sowed into your life which opened a glorious flow in their life and if you are wise you will immediately pay it forward in whatever fashion God has allowed for you to give. Time, conversation, a trade because what you have to offer doesn't have to be just monetary, people give so much more when its not about money. When it is sharing your testimony or lending a hand. If we all learned to be givers, life would have no room for takers.

May 17th

My baby may not be a baby anymore, but she'll always be my baby. I don't think it took rocket science to figure out that tonights topic would be about the prettiest girl in my world. We made it to day 17 of 17 which is my baby's 17th birthday. I started this month off with a gift and a card for each of the 17 days. A journey of sorts with small tokens carefully hidden right in plain sight. No rhyme or reason, no special time of the day, just the anticipation of something different everyday. It became so much fun to watch her look and then be surprised at the oddest finds. It was more for the memory to know one day she would look back and think while how cool was that or for it to be a good conversation piece when she told her own children the story. For me it is realizing that soon things will be different. Her mother yes; I will forever be, but once she's grown the dynamics shift, so I took this year, "her lucky number" to grant a few wishes and plant her smiles forever in my heart!!!

Feeling some kind of way

I'm feeling some kind of way...wondering what do you want, what would you like to know. Stuck somewhere between really and Wtf...excuse my potty mouth but I'm grown. Don't try to pin me with a label today after months, even years of not acknowledging me. Save the fake concern and urgent tone...you don't give a **** insert your favorite four letter word.

Silence is a safe place

A woman of few words I have never been, but most recent events in my life have made silence a safe place for me; one of peace at times, a place of refuge at others. This morning I was having one of my frequent conversations with God asking him to teach me how to pray. This has been an ongoing conversation between the two of us since my mind runs a million miles a minute rarely pausing for breaks not even when it should be at rest. I start my prayer with Thank you Lord as I do each day and then I go from prayer to my one sided dialogue because I need help learning to pray, but on this day my rambling ran short and I was left with just my silence. In that moment I found myself basking in his glory realizing his answer came through the silence. That I don't have to always pray with multiple words, because he already knows everything about me with an added bonus of knowing that he also already has it all figured out. So I can take peace in my lack of words and this time silence is really okay!!!

God's Speed

I frequently sign the end of a message God's Peace and I recently received a message signed with God's Speed and realized that if you bask in his glory that he will give you peace as you pace through the process. It is becoming abundantly clear that with God nothing is a race and it is only due to our own impatience that we end up torturing ourselves for a longer period than was ever intended. I no longer believe in coincidences, I believe in my God. I accept that God will place people in your life that have his love for you, making the bond stronger than many blood families. People willing to share with absolutely no bias, a testimony at the end to help you understand that in God's time at his speed you too shall make it through! I just know that all this time I have tried to control my race, when God has already ordered my steps and I can't outrun his pace which is why I end up going in circles because I have yet to accept his speed is the only way to move in a straight line.

Love doesn't suck

I had a conversation tonight about how one person believes "Love Sucks" and was not willing to accept that Love itself did not do the "sucking" instead the negative outcome of the situation sucked. Funny how I listen to people like myself that admit to seeing it for what it really is, but ignored the signs in hopes of love fixing all. Love is powerful and we are encouraged to walk in a Jesus like love, but even Jesus loves us just as we are. Total acceptance of us right now in whatever our current circumstance; be it drug addiction, sex addiction, liars, poor parenting skills or just plain ole' greedy and selfish we are instructed to come as we are. If we waited for someone to love us once we had it all fixed this would be a heartless world. His belief that love now sucks is believing all the lies he was told by his bad situation. Instead of viewing it with God's eyes that even the person telling the lies needed his love the most. I guess my hope is that we all learn that it may suck to be hurt by someone you love, but we must not let them escape with our love. We will need it to share with the next person!

Hugs

Hugs provide warmth and strength and for me there is nothing more soothing than a sincere embrace. I had a business meeting this morning that turned into spiritual bonding. I love when a person listens to God and boldly ask "are you saved" and with my YES we move from strictly business to lets talk God's business. I love how God will send me hugs from his earthly disciples. Thank you Lord for surrounding all areas of my life with people who are in love with you and truly remind me that all I need is to put my trust in you because even in business you have my back.

LIVE

What I learned tonight is that people who SURVIVE something are that much more willing to LIVE their LIFE. They smell the roses and taste the flavor of the food, they do the silly dance and wear the funny hat. They LIVE!! I cannot describe the beauty of tonight, hundreds of bags glowing in the silence of the night with only the bag pipes playing. People proudly walking for the love one they lost or the co-worker who survived maybe the neighbor who is battling now. I felt the shift yesterday when I decided it was more important to discuss what a great day it was in the "A" than my troubles, to my "lol" attitude towards the events of my day...

And then I step onto this field with hundreds of people who once had to fight to LIVE and I remember my Grandfather who fought the brave fight, standing tall through his pain without a complaint. I remember his smile and that he made a decision to just LIVE this one Life he was given no matter the outcome or the struggle. We all have our troubles most we can't remember the next year because some how we manage to make it through. So in the words of Jill Scott, "Life doesn't owe us, we owe Life" and our only repayment is to just LIVE!!!

A wonderful day in the "A"

Was it a great day in your part of the world? Did the weather cooperate making you feel good. It was a beautiful day here in the "A" and many of us stood united when we placed our vote that what we needed all summer long was for this day to stay on continuous repeat. Just warm enough to still enjoy the pool, but not the unbearable scorch that makes your hair misbehave and your arm pits feel as if you missed a step after your morning shower. A beautiful day in the "A", when a lunch time stroll wasn't long enough and you had to remind yourself that right now this job you still need so make your way back to your desk, because the sun and perfect breeze does not pay the bills. I hope your part of the world was just as good, because today was a great day to live in the A!!!

I had a topic for today taken form a conversation a girlfriend and I had earlier about the stresses of this life and just being tired, but even with all that is wrong...I decided to take a moment and just reflect on the beauty of today. Those same problems will be there tomorrow, but today was a good day and I thank the weather in the A for changing my energy level and allowing me to just be grateful!!!

If it aint one thing, it's another

It's all an emergency, not one thing more important than the next and all needed to be resolved yesterday. How do you prioritize a list of number one's? What do you do first when they all are relevant and essential to just live? I'm praying that one thing holds up until I resolve another, but if I don't make a plan B, it all will crash and burn. Funny thing is in that half tired, half hysterical laugh I know I have no way to create a back up plan, all I have is faith or as the saying goes a whim and a prayer. Very aware that if one unsteady block tumbles and falls down comes the walls and I just don't know if I will survive under all the rubble.

Second hand

Learning to live within the time you have is by far the hardest task assigned to mankind. Staying present in just this one moment, not dwelling on the last or planning the next. Living right now just for this one. The second hand on the clock steadily going by...literally saying bye with each circular motion. You cannot have it back, so the question becomes how will I make this one better, do I use it or allow it to use me? Is my life now about servitude or slavery. Serving each moment to manifest God's gift in me or slaving over what could not be. Prisoner in my mind to wasted time replaying what I should have done, not setting myself free to just do. Life is a lesson many of us say and learning to appreciating the time right now we keep failing. If I had the answer it wouldn't be tonight's blog...I am open for all suggestions??

I Love you back...missing my Granddad today.

I picked up the phone to call my Granddad today as I sat stuck waiting for the train to pass. Knowing that his voice I would not hear, his number my mind automatically dialed. The comfort in his Hey Girl is all I truly wanted to hear or to laugh at our now not so funny running joke of "if it wasn't for bad luck, girl you wouldn't have any luck at all." Granddad I need that one last call, to imagine your legs extended in your reclining chair as you blame it on the cordless phone for why you cannot hear...did you forget to turn up your hearing aids if you bothered to put them in at all! You'd ask how's your girl and I'd say fine, we'd chat about your beloved Braves bringing a wide smile as I remember taking you out to the ball park. We might touch on the basketball playoffs if you like this years teams. I loved how you didn't mince words telling the truth til it hurt. I miss walking through your door after a long drive through the mountains in the pitch black of night seeing nothing more than the beam from my headlights and you'd say Girl do you need a drink!  Ha, that's my Grandpa!!!


 I'll never forget the day you trusted me to pull out my table and give you a full body massage while I was studying to be a therapist or my first car that you so proudly purchased. I named her Bettlejuice because her first stall at the light I jokingly screamed Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice, three times the charm and she magically started. How about that summer you punished me because a hundred pair of earrings I bought. You warned me before we walked in the store, "Nei don't buy not one pair more", so I thought I was sleek and purchased this big number 1, a single earring it was and when you began to fuss my excuse was but Granddad it's not a pair, it's just ONE!!! That didn't fly too well!!! I don't think I got to keep that one. 


I miss your Indy style laughing at the rookies you scared to death. I miss how you use to pile us all on the back of the truck taking all of Kyle to the park with us. I miss hearing people say that's Mr. Ralph's granddaughter making me smile, because everyone respected your style. Granddad I know I am loved, but nothing compares to hearing YOU say, " I LOVE YOU BACK!!!"

Dear Lord...

I've decided to seek help. I have a sadness in my bones and no matter how many highs I have, the low's always return. I am asking God daily to teach me how to pray, be it on my knees or in the silence of the car I cannot make it past Dear Lord...the rest sounds like rambling because my mind will not pause long enough to find his perfect peace.  I am tore up through my soul, a blender knife cutting internally from my brain to my toes. I am sad and I need help.

I can't find a social life in my dreams

I am the first to tell other's to go out and participate in their life, well I need to heed my own advise. Hair done, make up done, half dressed and I am fighting with my self not to hit this pillow. I know I can't regain my social life in my dreams, fairy tales are fun but the reality is I need to leave the house to improve my social skills. I guess in an effort to not waste my daughter's creative facial art; I will go out with a smile, have some fun watching one of my favorite sports. After all what better way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo than with my Latin American friends and a good Mayweather fight!!

The Matter is the Mind

The sleepless nights have me totally exhausted, I posted last night that I needed my mind arrested and an APB put out on sleep, because I'm missing it and my eyes look like I've lost a fight. Beyond the physical the key to this problem is the racing mind. It's running in a million directions leaving me spinning like a ferris wheel; somedays I stop so high in the air, feet dangling feeling free and other days more than not I'm stuck at the bottom praying the rides begins so I can ascend to the top. The saying is mind over matter, what happens when the mind is the matter? Sarah Young author of Jesus Calling the daily devotional I read said it best. "Make me your focal point as you move through this day...Circumstances are in a flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure." Hebrews 12:2; Psalms 102:27

Peace by Piece

I am noticing that with each piece of my life that I put back together, the more peace I gain. You ever get to the point in your life when you stop opening the mail? It all begins to accumulate in piles on the table mentally filed away into the I will deal with you later category. Well that is how life begins to unfold, we simply decide to avoid and one day we wake up and realize there are so many unopened envelopes that we don't have the strength to face, so a better solution becomes lets file 36 them and promise to open the next bunch that comes. Avoiding those envelopes is just like avoiding the scale or sitting stuck on your job making no effort to find a different position that allows you to do better in order to actually face your reality piece by piece so that you gain some peace.

The best advice I have been given as of late is if all you can do is get up everyday then start there and with each day get up a little better, a little brighter with just one more purpose so for the past 121days I get up and I write a blog. Somewhere in between those days I decided to address an addiction to Mt. Dew and reading with my daughter, exercising and my job and while I can't say that I do all of those everyday, I can say I write and piece by piece, I am gaining my peace. I was told that each mile begins with just one step. Well I am on step five with 12 Steps being my year end goal so that as I gain peace, piece by piece my happy button will switch back on.

OAN: I just had to share this because it is awesome!!! My friend posted today that his wife took 9 classes this semester in electrical engineering and she received 8 A's and 1 B. Now that is getting up everyday determined to make it happen!!!!

My daughter's world

Okay I have only 15 minutes to spill, so this must be short and sweet!!! What a difference a day makes!!! Parents if you have not had the pleasure of entering your child's world...DO SO PRONTO...make their likes a point of interest even if it is presently a dislike of yours. You may be pleasantly surprised that you might actually like it and had you spent less time banging on the walls for them to turn the music down, you might have learned all the lyrics or just enough to sing along to her favorite Rock song!!! I'm glad I knew enough to make her smile, besides one of her fav bands just happens to be old school rock that I can groove too!!! I remember when rap had to fights its way into my parents cassette rotation (yes I'm dated) as we cruised in the car, them screaming turn that junk off. My Mom didn't get hip until Arrested Development but all these years later it is here to stay and I still enjoy some of it, but my daughter isn't the biggest rap or R&B fan so it became mandatory to cross over into her world. Yes they scream and we thought our base was loud, not even close but I felt the vibration in my bones and realized music has no color just a beat and soul. Plus we all can appreciate a sexy man on guitar!!! I'm glad I spent this night in my daughter's world!!!! SHE ROCKS!!!!

When you need an ear

The importance of transparency to me at this point in my life is because I always hide behind my silence, waiting until my problems snowball into an avalanche. My pain, my problems stayed tucked away in diaries and journals until the pages began to burst at the seams. My Mother use to plead with me, "say something, before a small problem gets to big." I guess I liked to drown even though I could not swim. I don't even thread water that well so when Paul is super mad because I have robbed Peter they both come to beat me over the head and I am not talking just financially as that saying goes, but in so many areas of my life. I couldn't talk about rape or domestic violence because I was too busy blaming my self for hurting someone else as if their hurt feelings warranted a fist to the face. Prisoner to public opinion layered this pain I now live under, always afraid to look like I failed. Now as I peal back the layers pound by pound, tear by tear or talk to ear I see where I became scared to be the fabulous me.

I did it today in such a huge way, I let a swift kick to the gut (figuratively, even though it felt literal)  derail what should have been my happy moment and once that trigger was set off in my mind, I began to find everything wrong with what was presented to me. It took a printed list and four phone calls all relevant differently to make it through this blog. Today I received when I needed an ear: A list that I printed to carry with me that has just six sentences of the Blessings looking at me., my fear was questioned as well as if I felt unworthy of success and then a very practical statement of..."well isn't more better than nothing!" I even had a someone ask, "well how many candidates did you beat out" and I said 12, he was like WOW now that is something to be proud of.

A vision I couldn't see because I let that one oh so minor event push me comfortably back in my misery, that on this day when all my preparation and hard work received a nod, I retreated to the only normal I know pain and sorrow overwhelmed with sobs. The glory in today should have been look how far you've come from the unemployment line and sure it's not where you would like to be, but its where you need to be. God never promised us an easy life, just that if we put our faith in him things wouldn't be so hard, amazing we have someone willing to hold all our problems. I am forever grateful that I had so many ears today each helping with just their part, but I am truly reminded that while God gave me angels on earth, he always has an open ear.