I Love you back...missing my Granddad today.

I picked up the phone to call my Granddad today as I sat stuck waiting for the train to pass. Knowing that his voice I would not hear, his number my mind automatically dialed. The comfort in his Hey Girl is all I truly wanted to hear or to laugh at our now not so funny running joke of "if it wasn't for bad luck, girl you wouldn't have any luck at all." Granddad I need that one last call, to imagine your legs extended in your reclining chair as you blame it on the cordless phone for why you cannot hear...did you forget to turn up your hearing aids if you bothered to put them in at all! You'd ask how's your girl and I'd say fine, we'd chat about your beloved Braves bringing a wide smile as I remember taking you out to the ball park. We might touch on the basketball playoffs if you like this years teams. I loved how you didn't mince words telling the truth til it hurt. I miss walking through your door after a long drive through the mountains in the pitch black of night seeing nothing more than the beam from my headlights and you'd say Girl do you need a drink!  Ha, that's my Grandpa!!!


 I'll never forget the day you trusted me to pull out my table and give you a full body massage while I was studying to be a therapist or my first car that you so proudly purchased. I named her Bettlejuice because her first stall at the light I jokingly screamed Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice, three times the charm and she magically started. How about that summer you punished me because a hundred pair of earrings I bought. You warned me before we walked in the store, "Nei don't buy not one pair more", so I thought I was sleek and purchased this big number 1, a single earring it was and when you began to fuss my excuse was but Granddad it's not a pair, it's just ONE!!! That didn't fly too well!!! I don't think I got to keep that one. 


I miss your Indy style laughing at the rookies you scared to death. I miss how you use to pile us all on the back of the truck taking all of Kyle to the park with us. I miss hearing people say that's Mr. Ralph's granddaughter making me smile, because everyone respected your style. Granddad I know I am loved, but nothing compares to hearing YOU say, " I LOVE YOU BACK!!!"

Dear Lord...

I've decided to seek help. I have a sadness in my bones and no matter how many highs I have, the low's always return. I am asking God daily to teach me how to pray, be it on my knees or in the silence of the car I cannot make it past Dear Lord...the rest sounds like rambling because my mind will not pause long enough to find his perfect peace.  I am tore up through my soul, a blender knife cutting internally from my brain to my toes. I am sad and I need help.

I can't find a social life in my dreams

I am the first to tell other's to go out and participate in their life, well I need to heed my own advise. Hair done, make up done, half dressed and I am fighting with my self not to hit this pillow. I know I can't regain my social life in my dreams, fairy tales are fun but the reality is I need to leave the house to improve my social skills. I guess in an effort to not waste my daughter's creative facial art; I will go out with a smile, have some fun watching one of my favorite sports. After all what better way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo than with my Latin American friends and a good Mayweather fight!!

The Matter is the Mind

The sleepless nights have me totally exhausted, I posted last night that I needed my mind arrested and an APB put out on sleep, because I'm missing it and my eyes look like I've lost a fight. Beyond the physical the key to this problem is the racing mind. It's running in a million directions leaving me spinning like a ferris wheel; somedays I stop so high in the air, feet dangling feeling free and other days more than not I'm stuck at the bottom praying the rides begins so I can ascend to the top. The saying is mind over matter, what happens when the mind is the matter? Sarah Young author of Jesus Calling the daily devotional I read said it best. "Make me your focal point as you move through this day...Circumstances are in a flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure." Hebrews 12:2; Psalms 102:27

Peace by Piece

I am noticing that with each piece of my life that I put back together, the more peace I gain. You ever get to the point in your life when you stop opening the mail? It all begins to accumulate in piles on the table mentally filed away into the I will deal with you later category. Well that is how life begins to unfold, we simply decide to avoid and one day we wake up and realize there are so many unopened envelopes that we don't have the strength to face, so a better solution becomes lets file 36 them and promise to open the next bunch that comes. Avoiding those envelopes is just like avoiding the scale or sitting stuck on your job making no effort to find a different position that allows you to do better in order to actually face your reality piece by piece so that you gain some peace.

The best advice I have been given as of late is if all you can do is get up everyday then start there and with each day get up a little better, a little brighter with just one more purpose so for the past 121days I get up and I write a blog. Somewhere in between those days I decided to address an addiction to Mt. Dew and reading with my daughter, exercising and my job and while I can't say that I do all of those everyday, I can say I write and piece by piece, I am gaining my peace. I was told that each mile begins with just one step. Well I am on step five with 12 Steps being my year end goal so that as I gain peace, piece by piece my happy button will switch back on.

OAN: I just had to share this because it is awesome!!! My friend posted today that his wife took 9 classes this semester in electrical engineering and she received 8 A's and 1 B. Now that is getting up everyday determined to make it happen!!!!

My daughter's world

Okay I have only 15 minutes to spill, so this must be short and sweet!!! What a difference a day makes!!! Parents if you have not had the pleasure of entering your child's world...DO SO PRONTO...make their likes a point of interest even if it is presently a dislike of yours. You may be pleasantly surprised that you might actually like it and had you spent less time banging on the walls for them to turn the music down, you might have learned all the lyrics or just enough to sing along to her favorite Rock song!!! I'm glad I knew enough to make her smile, besides one of her fav bands just happens to be old school rock that I can groove too!!! I remember when rap had to fights its way into my parents cassette rotation (yes I'm dated) as we cruised in the car, them screaming turn that junk off. My Mom didn't get hip until Arrested Development but all these years later it is here to stay and I still enjoy some of it, but my daughter isn't the biggest rap or R&B fan so it became mandatory to cross over into her world. Yes they scream and we thought our base was loud, not even close but I felt the vibration in my bones and realized music has no color just a beat and soul. Plus we all can appreciate a sexy man on guitar!!! I'm glad I spent this night in my daughter's world!!!! SHE ROCKS!!!!

When you need an ear

The importance of transparency to me at this point in my life is because I always hide behind my silence, waiting until my problems snowball into an avalanche. My pain, my problems stayed tucked away in diaries and journals until the pages began to burst at the seams. My Mother use to plead with me, "say something, before a small problem gets to big." I guess I liked to drown even though I could not swim. I don't even thread water that well so when Paul is super mad because I have robbed Peter they both come to beat me over the head and I am not talking just financially as that saying goes, but in so many areas of my life. I couldn't talk about rape or domestic violence because I was too busy blaming my self for hurting someone else as if their hurt feelings warranted a fist to the face. Prisoner to public opinion layered this pain I now live under, always afraid to look like I failed. Now as I peal back the layers pound by pound, tear by tear or talk to ear I see where I became scared to be the fabulous me.

I did it today in such a huge way, I let a swift kick to the gut (figuratively, even though it felt literal)  derail what should have been my happy moment and once that trigger was set off in my mind, I began to find everything wrong with what was presented to me. It took a printed list and four phone calls all relevant differently to make it through this blog. Today I received when I needed an ear: A list that I printed to carry with me that has just six sentences of the Blessings looking at me., my fear was questioned as well as if I felt unworthy of success and then a very practical statement of..."well isn't more better than nothing!" I even had a someone ask, "well how many candidates did you beat out" and I said 12, he was like WOW now that is something to be proud of.

A vision I couldn't see because I let that one oh so minor event push me comfortably back in my misery, that on this day when all my preparation and hard work received a nod, I retreated to the only normal I know pain and sorrow overwhelmed with sobs. The glory in today should have been look how far you've come from the unemployment line and sure it's not where you would like to be, but its where you need to be. God never promised us an easy life, just that if we put our faith in him things wouldn't be so hard, amazing we have someone willing to hold all our problems. I am forever grateful that I had so many ears today each helping with just their part, but I am truly reminded that while God gave me angels on earth, he always has an open ear.