When you need an ear

The importance of transparency to me at this point in my life is because I always hide behind my silence, waiting until my problems snowball into an avalanche. My pain, my problems stayed tucked away in diaries and journals until the pages began to burst at the seams. My Mother use to plead with me, "say something, before a small problem gets to big." I guess I liked to drown even though I could not swim. I don't even thread water that well so when Paul is super mad because I have robbed Peter they both come to beat me over the head and I am not talking just financially as that saying goes, but in so many areas of my life. I couldn't talk about rape or domestic violence because I was too busy blaming my self for hurting someone else as if their hurt feelings warranted a fist to the face. Prisoner to public opinion layered this pain I now live under, always afraid to look like I failed. Now as I peal back the layers pound by pound, tear by tear or talk to ear I see where I became scared to be the fabulous me.

I did it today in such a huge way, I let a swift kick to the gut (figuratively, even though it felt literal)  derail what should have been my happy moment and once that trigger was set off in my mind, I began to find everything wrong with what was presented to me. It took a printed list and four phone calls all relevant differently to make it through this blog. Today I received when I needed an ear: A list that I printed to carry with me that has just six sentences of the Blessings looking at me., my fear was questioned as well as if I felt unworthy of success and then a very practical statement of..."well isn't more better than nothing!" I even had a someone ask, "well how many candidates did you beat out" and I said 12, he was like WOW now that is something to be proud of.

A vision I couldn't see because I let that one oh so minor event push me comfortably back in my misery, that on this day when all my preparation and hard work received a nod, I retreated to the only normal I know pain and sorrow overwhelmed with sobs. The glory in today should have been look how far you've come from the unemployment line and sure it's not where you would like to be, but its where you need to be. God never promised us an easy life, just that if we put our faith in him things wouldn't be so hard, amazing we have someone willing to hold all our problems. I am forever grateful that I had so many ears today each helping with just their part, but I am truly reminded that while God gave me angels on earth, he always has an open ear.