SCREAM

I took some great advice from a conversation last night and I SCREAMED SO LOUD this morning. I SCREAMED because I made the mistake of entertaining the conversation, I listened to the promises and then I beat myself down for believing the hype. I SCREAMED because a part of me was holding out hope for happily ever after, but not all people will make it to your happy ending. In some cases happy doesn't begin until some situations end. I SCREAMED for the postponed dreams. I SCREAMED for still asking why, for still getting sad, for still getting mad. I SCREAMED because I'm tired of feeling, but that makes me human and be it this week or next year (but God I pray not that long) that while I hope I could say I let it all out as my pitch rose high, truth be told I might have to SCREAM again another day, hopefully not as loud.

Mouse trap

Motivation comes in spurts for me, but I can't seem to gain this continuous ball of energy needed to stay on a consistent roll. I'm guilty of overthinking everything; that's an entirely different topic, but my mind is in this constant race and I can never seem to slow it down. It's as if I'm desperately seeking an absolute answer to what drives me and then I must figure out each intricate step to make it work, and then I must rethink the thought to make sure the steps are in order to complete the process and then and then and then...it seems like I'm stuck right back at my original quest of figuring out what motivates me. I wonder how can you tell if you are depressed to the point of requesting help, because I feel like I'm stuck in a mouse trap with all the answers but no clue as to how to exit this cycle. I find myself sitting in traffic crying, a fraud because I can't apply my own written words to my life. I just would like to have enough motivation to stay happy. Not in what I'm doing, but in who I am.

Stop lying to yourself

Have you ever reached the point in your life when you had to just STOP believing. When no amount of false starts or empty promises are enough. You just have to take that last deep breath, open your eyes extra wide and read the writing on the wall. Nothing says LOUDER what someone truly means better than what they show and you can sugar coat that crap until your teeth fall out. I guess my question now becomes why is it so hard to conceive that people are who they show us they are. We would be livid if someone tried to make us something else, so why dilute ourselves with images of what we hoped others could be. Either accept EXACTLY who they are or decide that its not what you need in your life. We can't keep going through life avoiding the facts. Why lie to ourselves, the people we are making up a better version for aren't.

Looking forward to doing nothing

I was counting down the seconds to quitting time, waiting for the weekend to begin so that I could do nothing. Day dreaming about sleeping in; I found myself on half a dozen mental vacations today. Just plan ole' tired with pj's on way before 8. I'm happy to be home with nothing left to do, but write to you before I snooze!! I can officially cat nap right til Sunday, or snuggle with a good book, maybe some homework. Point is I'm free to do NOTHING!!!

Giving up is not the last resort

The phrase goes every setback is a setup for a step up. It took me until recently to figure out exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and then the news...I wasn't accepted into the program. Disappointed an understatement, as defeat began to set in like rigor mortis; the brain did one final check and the scan detected that giving up wasn't the last resort. Let me repeat that GIVING UP IS NOT THE LAST RESORT. I can almost close tonight's blog with that phrase as the magnitude of my words just slapped a few folks over the head, SELF included!

Just because it didn't go that way doesn't mean it didn't go my way. Maybe it was because I considered this program the Yale of programs that doesn't mean my Harvard isn't waiting around the corner, but whose to say that a Michigan version isn't just as good. All metaphors, but I really had to get past the name, well for one it had already gotten past me and two it was time to come up with my plan B. My goal didn't change just my path, so now I have to make a left instead of a right. The point is in bold letters above this route wasn't my last and it must be important for me to check out the scenery on the new one I must journey.

Many times we get so busy trying to get where we are going, that we forget to focus on where we are at. I have another option as long as I have another tomorrow!!

Handwritten Letters

I received a handwritten card in today's mail; it made me smile!!! Technology has left us with lol and smiley faces that's as close to personal as an email, text or im will get. Unlike the scroll of a pen, the lean of the cursive letters that form a warm heartfelt hello. When the very next line is to ask how are you or to say I hope to find you well. The outside of the envelope neatly addressed with a postage stamp that indicates someone took the time to stand in line, to pay a fee to make your day!!! I joked recently in a stat that I was going back to writing letters. Well the fullness I felt to open the mail sent just for me confirmed exactly why; I planned to reconnect with the human side of me, before automation propelled me into the digital age. I'd like my reader to get all warm and fuzzy because I thought of them and then the fun is to wait and see if they will write back!!

 Thank you Heather, I loved your handwritten card!!!

I have a blog to write

I wonder if that is how columnist think everyday, that the ink must hit the page no matter how you feel...sick, sad, tired, stressed, lazy, happy or glad. This thing must go to print. Doing it as a promise to myself is awesome, but when I had to do it for deadline, now that was sheer fun!!! I miss the adrenaline rush! My only anxiety now comes from sitting in a room with friends having fun and I have to get my blog done before midnight. Wonder how cute this task will be when I'm on a first date? That might not go over to well, I think I might need to stash some extra writings for nights like those or days like this when my sinuses are giving me trouble and I have a magic pill to help me slumber, but Nope!! A writer must write, its like taking in air, this is what I do so that eventually it will be ALL I do.