The conversation

So I'm in the restroom stall and I'm having this NOW WHAT conversation with God because I've found myself in this place where I'm saying the prayers, reading the books but not moving in the breakthrough. So I'm talking to God just like I'm talking to you because I have to figure out a way to move beyond this sad, pessimistic girl blue. My mind comprehends all the reasons why... So God I say I'm not mad at you or even him, I'm mad at me because I want to live everyday showing that I'm getting stronger and wiser...poster child for that best revenge quote of just living better, but what do you do when the one who hurt you could care less and is not around to see you do better? You just get mad at self all over again because his life went on as many do but here I am stuck trying to journal my way through, accepting that my heart's the only one broken. God I need a Mt dew!! Kicking myself as I try to get it all out, since I promised my friend that tomorrow I'd only speak happy thoughts void of excuses. What do you do when you don't understand why you hurt for something or someone that's over you? Then I listen as I always do to church sermons waiting for the right message to get through and the Pastor is teaching that Jesus suffered too and that most of my pain comes from my inability to die willingly. I was to hard headed to see that you can't take people places they don't want to go, I must endure for not letting go. So here I am rushing through the breakthrough trying to bypass the pain, when God says girl you must stand. I keep telling you that its important to hurt so you don't lose the lesson, but because you pull, when I say P.U.S.H pray until something happens, you keep bumping your head losing common sense letting that deceitful heart win the fight, but I promise if you put on my armor that we will win the war and love will hurt no more.