The Fixer

Someone has to be brave enough to do the hurting and someone strong enough to survive the pain was a post I made today on facebook. It originated from a conversation with my Mother that carried over with my best friend about all things that must come to an end. There is the person that identifies that for whatever reason they cannot continue on in the relationship and must be brave enough to walk away, leaving the person that was the fixer recovering from the pain. While I have been the The Hurter in a few cases, I find that my role is normally that of The Fixer. I unfortunately measure things in time and I place so much value on the number of years invested without viewing the quality of growth over those years. I guess I have this starting over complex, mainly because I don't like the dating game. I don't like meeting the representative of a new person then waiting for them to remove the mask to show me who they truly are. I have also had so many negative or bad experiences in relationships that a part of me began to believe that this was my normal and that I might as well get comfortable with where I am instead of going out to learn someone else's crap which might be worse. I had decreased my own self worth by convincing myself it was better to settle than to begin again or be by myself. Now that was a huge admission and statement. I just owned that I don't like to be ALONE. 

Well I have also learned that you can be in a room full of people and still be alone and you can live in a lifeless relationship, marriage or friendship and still be lonely as hell. If the people around you do not add value and I don't mean material things, I mean substance to your life then they are probably sucking the life out of you with their own selfish needs. I personally have abandonment issues, so I hold on tight for better or worse, well I use to. :-) Now I hold on to ME and only lean on others that truly love me, want the best for me and will encourage me to stand on my on for support when I fall apart. While my circle is small, I only have a few people that will let me scream and cry for my 2.5 seconds before they say okay now suck it up and while those words irritate the mess out of me, they are what build my muscles and each time I have to suck it up, I get stronger and the break down gets shorter. See I stopped focusing on fixing a broken relationship and I started fixing what was broken in me; that would allow me to hold onto a fragmented version of love. I had to put me together piece by piece and the puzzle is almost complete!!!!