Hostage

A little about me, right now I am living in a glass house and everyone is invited to view! You must go back and release some things in order to pave the path for forward movement. This is my reflection...

Almost 20 years ago I became the victim of domestic violence and I allowed it to kidnap me and hold me hostage for all of these years. While I have not spent the past 20 years in that same abusive relationship, I  simply traveled from one hell to the next hoping that the fire wasn't as hot. Who was I kidding? I woke up everyday accepting a mouth full of fist, blood covered teeth in hand. I allowed the gun to be put to my head daily as a reminder of how insignificant my life was and that one small move could end it. Only thing was I became comfortable with this game of Russian roulette picking the same type of person just with a different name.

One day I realized that the abuse would not stop if I did not first stand up and then walk away. Instead of walking head held high, I ran and coward from it which was worse because I never stopped to identify that the abuse I suffered externally was from the pain I lived internally. Please don't misunderstand I am NOT blaming ME for his choices or those that followed. Domestic Violence is monstrous towards Women or Men and nothing is every that bad that someone should put their hands on you. However, I take full responsibility for not getting to know me before allowing someone else to alter that view.

Funny I have always been very good at owning my flaws. I know exactly what is wrong with me, but fixing them well that is another story and this is where the journey begins on how forgiveness set me free. Facebook is a wonderful tool and you're the exception if you don't have a page so of course one day I spot this person through a mutual friend and I wanted to see if he was remorseful. Ha Right! My need to hear him apologize set my feelings up for another beat down, funny thing about walking around life in anger or feeling like someone owes you something, is they could care less, because they did not place a value on the action they took against you. Now here is the tricky part... YOU have to stop giving it VALUE. For me all of these years it has been my distorted view of love, which really was my lack of self love! What?? Am I really telling you that I didn't love me? Exactly!! I've gone this far to tell you that I use to get the crap beat out of me, so why not tell you all of it. Truth is, I have not loved me properly in years and it surfaces in my relationships, my finances, my parenting, my weight. See putting your needs ahead of someone else's wants does not make you selfish it makes you self aware and SMART! I recently had to look in the mirror and introduce myself, because the me I use to be didn't recognize the me I had become.  

Now we must go full circle because for every action there is a reaction and when you give up the role of victim, you start to look for the lesson. My lesson came from this amazing e-mail prayer circle that I belong to that gives thanks each week and as I was typing my thankful's I broke down about the apology that never came only to learn that forgiveness is for ME. I was on this tangent about my induction into the domestic violence club and all of the negative things it brought into my life. When my Sister in Christ and so much more reminded me that while all of that was horrific, had it not been for me meeting him and surviving all of that I would have never met her or gained a 20 year sisterhood that has patiently walked with me as I learned to develop a relationship with the Lord. That Love for the Lord would not have led me to the prayer circle of strong, accomplished, raw women that I am honored to belong. That day I learned that all of these years I just keep letting him beat me up, because I had never spoke of it in detail to anyone so I carried that burden alone letting it rot out my insides and two I allowed myself to believe that I had something to be ashamed of so I couldn't let me off the hook. Remember when people don't think they did anything wrong you will never hear I apologize, but you can always remember that they are the sorry ones, not YOU!!!

There are some amazing resources for victims and survivors of domestic violence if you need help; you must first be brave enough to ask. Please e-mail me if you need someone to help you take that first step or call 1-800-799 SAFE (7233). Take YOUR POWER BACK!!!