The long goodbye

I've taken many different directions with my blog over the last few weeks trying to find my path, but what I'm realizing is life doesn't have GPS and some days you turn with the road and others you end up hanging near the cliff - tires spinning, wheel turning but still headed for a crash. Yesterday I went to an amazing wedding and while I was smiling on the outside, I was crying on the inside as my personal relationship goes through the long goodbye. Living on life support for all of these years; occasionally remembering how to breath all the while praying for God to either bring it back to life or heal me completely. Its been a very long time since I've believed in happily ever after. I'm in this space in which peace would be my greatest achievement. I know that the pain of one final goodbye doesn't last as long as the suffering you endure with the long goodbye. Stuck somewhere between comfortable and fear; you realize that you've stayed way past the expiration date and now you wonder why you always feel sick. Be it sick and tired, sick emotionally or physically, saying goodbye everyday is draining. Looking through someone and not seeing them or talking at them instead of to them slows your heart beat more everyday. Toni Morrison wrote, "Anything dead coming back to life can only hurt."

Well it hurts and now I would just like the road to healing to begin. I am making my u-turn now taking the journey back to me, determined that as I start from the beginning 'which is me' that I will not pick up bitterness and resentment on the way, I am driving a two seater and there is no room for anyone but joy on this ride. I cannot promise that there will not be days with flat tires or a dead battery, but there is no need for roadside assistance, because if I don't learn how to change those issues as they arise, I will always depend on someone else to come along for the ride. So here we go blog family as I begin my final goodbye.

My roadside prayer: Lord give me the strength to make this long ride, the vision to see on the foggy days, the patience to enjoy the detours. The happiness as new things come into view and the peace once you've allowed me to leave this road. I trust you Lord!